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26
26
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Disclaimer: The following comments are entirely personal. Choose those that suit your style and leave the rest.

*Vine1* Hello a Sunflower in Texas *Vine2*

It was surprising to read about a syndrome that might result in due to less exposure to the Sun. Since childhood, I have always loved light in its various forms. It is difficult for me to adjust to gloomy weather. I have seen, during days that are cloudy, I do feel somewhat distracted, not wanting to get up and go about the daily chores of life. Somewhat, my energy seems sapped. But never did I think it could have a direct relation to the absence of Sun. And this is exactly why I loved your article, for it brought tome something I had no idea about. Thank you! *Smile*

I can understand the difficulty that you have faced. When we are facing an emotional situation, like depression and other bipolar symptoms it is difficult to deal with people and life. And the situation worsens when others do not really understand our situation. Most of these depression come in a cycle, repeating in highs and lows. I guess now that you know about it, it is easier for you to deal with something like this.

I noticed a few errors I would like to point out for you:

*Bullet* because i was having another birthday.
'i' must be capitalized.

*Bullet* Beedless hurtful words almost always ensue.
I am not sure what you mean by beedless. Should it be 'bid-less', instead?

*Bullet* For my own sanily, I have to build an emotional fence around the subject with my mother
There's little typo in here. Sanily should be sanity.

*Bullet* I would also suggest you leave some space before and after you use hyphens in any sentence.

That's about the technical part. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece, the reason I have already mentioned. Other than that, I could also connect to it emotionally, for this is a very heart-felt write-up. Thanks for sharing this!



*GiftR* It has been a pleasure reading and reviewing your work!*GiftR*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
27
27
Review of Calvin  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Uh huh. That is as sinister as it goes! Quite a good job!
28
28
Review of The Stone Monarch  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi there!

A nice story indeed. Not one of what I have read before. I had seen the prompt for this story, and the word 'stone monarch' immediately brought to my mind images of cave and all. But yours was kinda different, not something I had expected. That was the best thing about this story.

Enjoyed it.

Warmest best~

~Arpita
29
29
Review of Squirrel Survivor  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ha ha! A really lovely story! I don't know why, but since I watched the chipmunks movies, I have only this kind of funny, a little stupid, but very cute image of squirrels in my mind. This story thoroughly heightened that feeling.

Good job! *Smile*
30
30
Review of Mariposa  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I was actually going through your blog outside WDC after a long time when I came across this. It was lovely reading this story! I mean I am going through sort of a negative phase of my life (not in real terms, I guess the sadness lies deep in the core of who I am) and I could so well relate to Marilyn's feelings of despair, of her giving up faith. I have not yet reached a point whereby I would find Mariposa, but I hope I do. *Smile*

Marilyn's so real. Hats off to you for creating such a character. Wonderful!
31
31
Review of The Nipple  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Disclaimer: The following comments are entirely personal. Choose those that suit your style and leave the rest.

*Vine1* Hello HeartsofaNewWorld *Vine2*

This was a really different concept. Not something I read before. I really enjoyed it.

I like how you keep the suspense tight until the very last. Her changing expressions, the quick wit in her, all were gripping. Plus, you have a very graphic way of telling the story. The nipple part was wonderful.

However, I have one suggestion. Since you have maintained the suspense until a point, I would suggest one thing:

The but that you use at the end, instantly tells us that something different will happen, she will fight back somehow. That strips off the suspense you built on till now. I would have enjoyed more if you never directly gave us a clue as to what she was going to do, and unfurled it through the next sentences without the but. It would have been more subtle and much more effective. As I encountered the but, my interest decreased drastically for I gathered how she must behave. It got more predictable.

But good thing is, you have again risen to the your initial level of unpredictability in the next few lines. I somewhat thought that maybe she might be able to escape. And the ending line was a killer! So apt and striking!

Amazing read!

*GiftR* It has been a pleasure reading and reviewing your work!*GiftR*

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32
32
Review of Missing Pieces  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*FlowerP* ~A Rising Star M2M Review~ *FlowerP*


General Disclaimer: It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest! *Smile*

*FlowerB* First impression:*FlowerB*

It is always difficult to tell a story through mere dialogues, without any exposition of any sort to help describe the situation. Here, we do not have the opportunity to show our readers how the characters look. So, the only way to endear the characters is only through the words they speak. I think you have done a good job in this.

*ThumbsUp*What I liked*ThumbsUp*:

*CheckV* I seriously enjoyed Amy's dialogues. For a little girl running out of how she has this wary nature whereby she won't trust Mike. I seriously love this part of her nature.

“Just so you know, mister, I’m prepared to protect myself. This bag’s got more than my clothes in it.”

She sound so cute!

Plus, I like how you show the witty nature of her character when she picks on the clue at the table and calls Mike her dad. Really nice way of showing it.

*CheckV* I like the natural flow of conversation. None of the dialogue felt forced. You have blended the conversation quite smoothly.

*Frown* What I though could be improved upon*Frown*:

I have a few suggestions with respect to punctuation:

*CheckV*“O.K. -- be right back with your order!”

“O.K...Be right back with your order!”

*CheckV*You got a wife don’cha?”

Add a comma after wife.

*CheckV**Bullet* “Oh, no, Hon-…”

*Bullet* So, now we're thinking about adop-…

You can remove the dash in the above two lines and just use the ellipsis.

*CheckV*“Whatever. What does she like?

Here I think you could add the ellipsis (the three dots) after whatever.

*CheckV*Another thing that I would like to suggest is in the following line:

“You got it! I’ll pull right in here.”
“So, little lady, shall we sit at the counter or take this booth?”

I think there should be some time gap in the time they pull the car and reach the place. So you might want to use a few dashes in between these two lines (and break them into two paragraphs) to show the time-gap. Just a suggestion. See what you think best.

I am sure they would require some time to pull up the car and reach the booth.

*RainbowL*Suggestions*RainbowL* :

First of all, I'm not sure why you would name this 'Missing Pieces'. I tried to gel it in with the story. Maybe you meant it like finally Amy finds a home, but still I wouldn't call it missing piece.

In some places, Amy sounds really too grown up...or I am not sure, it might even be due to the rough upbringing that she has had. Mike must be some really nice man to accept the tantrums with the certain coolness. That is most likely because he does not have any kids. That's why I would have enjoyed some more depth in his pain when he says he's childless. You could have used some inner dialogue, to show us what went in his mind...that's I guess would still count as dialogue. *Smile*

And just to make the last line more poignant you could chop it from “She loves banana milkshakes.” to just "Banana milkshakes". I think that would have a better impact.

Overall:

*CandleG* I enjoyed the sweet little girl that Amy is and getting a peek into the night where she, maybe, finally finds a home. Thanks for sharing this. It was an enjoyable read.*CandleG*


*Pencil* HAPPY WRITING! *Pencil*


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33
33
Review of Hello Juliet  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ha ha! Jesse this is a really lovely one!

I especially loved the last line...the overcoat thing! That beats anything...lol

I had a huge smile on my face while reading it. The best thing about it is perhaps how straightforward it is.

Keep sharing!

Warmest best!

~Arpita
34
34
Review by ~*Arpita*~
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow! This is such a lovely collection! I'm amazed! It must be such a prized possession. I'm so glad you have shared it with us all. I especially loved Roald Dahl's one. It's great that such famous people would take out time to write back. But I guess that's what make them great!
35
35
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Confettiv*  HAPPY 2012 to YOU!  *Confettiv*



Disclaimer: The following comments are entirely personal. Choose those that suit your style and leave the rest.

*Vine1* Hello Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N) *Vine2*

This was indeed a treat to the eye. All the cnotes are a riot of colors, which absolutely soothed the eye. Asherman has indeed done a wonderful job with the paintings!

Thanks for giving fellow members a beautiful chance to brighten their friend's day with a cnote of this kind!

Warmest best!

*GiftR* It has been a pleasure reading and reviewing your work!*GiftR*

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36
36
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Newbie Help And Support Review Contest Entry "Invalid Item" 

General Disclaimer: It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest! *Smile*


Hi!

A wonderful narrative of your younger years, and how it, in turn, motivated you to become the mother that you are. Indeed, our parents have a lot of influence in us, and the directions they give us (by simply being them) are wonderful teachings in themselves.

It was nice knowing what you siblings did as kids. I enjoy reading these specks of others' childhoods, and like to see how our childhoods shape our later years. You have mentioned a lot of your outings and expeditions in this small space. I would have liked it even better if you described each in little more detail, because it was really interesting to delve into a beautiful past. It seemed to end too soon! *Pthb*

Apart from that what I felt at times was that there were too many of long sentences, lines that would drag on and on. You could chop them up and write them as separate sentences so that it holds the reader's interest as also minimizes the risk of wrong sentence construction.

I noted a few punctuation errors. I'd mention them as below:

*Bullet* His questions were related to "when can we go swimming, are we there yet or can we get a kitten.

The quotation has not been ended.

*Bullet* The Museum of Natural History was a favorite where we, ranging in age three up to eight would rush to find the shrunken heads or even be as brash as to ask the curators where they had placed them since our last outing.

There should have been a comma after eight, to separate the fragment 'ranging in age three up to eight' from the complete sentence.

Apart from these, a nice narrative indeed. I like how you use instances from your own life instead of merely giving instructions about how to deal with kids without losing oneself. Nice essay! *Smile*


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#1761568 by ~*Arpita*~
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37
37
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Disclaimer: The following comments are entirely personal. Choose those that suit your style and leave the rest.

*Vine1* Hello Tim Chiu *Vine2*

It was really beautiful reading this short yet sweet poem. In general we see long-distance relationship hardly ever work. The passion initially seen in the relationship gets rubbed off by the dredging of distance.

It is really nice to see your love remaining the same, or perhaps even growing stronger even though there's a distance. Blissful love!

There was no typo or punctuation error that I noticed. Thanks for sharing a piece of you sweet love life. *Smile*


*GiftR* It has been a pleasure reading and reviewing your work!*GiftR*

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38
38
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Newbie Help And Support Review Contest Entry "Invalid Item" 

General Disclaimer: It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest! *Smile*


Hi!

A nice try at the flash fiction. As kids, so many of us have been fascinated by pets and wanted to own some. Getting back to those memories was a treat.

However, since this is flash fiction, you need to tighten up the story a bit, changing the way you narrate the story. For example, mos of the sentences are quite long. You could try and chop them up for better effect.

*Bullet* At the breeder’s farm, he plopped to his knees in front of Mother and pushed his fingers through the pristine coat of the baby Malamute.

In the above case you could easily break the sentence into two from the and part. Short, crisp sentences always keep the interest of the reader glued.

*Bullet* The sound made Puppy tilt her head and let out a soft “ouuooohh.”

If you go through any writing manual available at WDC, you'll find many authors have pointed out about minimizing the use of passive voice. There is a very good chance of making the above line more interesting by writing it like:

Hearing the sound Puppy tilted her head. "Ouuooohh", she moaned.

Of course there could be another way of scripting it, I just showed one way. This way of narrating solves another purpose; this sentence shows the picture to the reader than merely stating what the characters did. As a result, it creates a better impact.

Good try at flash fiction. I am sure over time and with experience you'd do a good job.

Thanks for sharing this!

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#1761568 by ~*Arpita*~
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39
39
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Disclaimer: The following comments are entirely personal. Choose those that suit your style and leave the rest.

*Vine1* Hello zer0 *Vine2*

A very interesting story and very fine method of story-telling as well. The one thing that marks your writing is that it is vastly graphic. Not once did it felt hurried or rushed. Everything seemed and sounded as exact as it should be. The description of his quaint life, his approach towards Lilith (I don't know why, but the name Lilith too felt so much in place in a story as this!*Bullet* ), the night and the way you describe her reaction to his proposal...everything is measured and exact.

I enjoyed the graphic description of how he entered into Hell. The end, however, I am not sure was as poignant as maybe I had expected it to be, but the way you have knit the story more than makes up for it.

There is nothing to say of the manner in which you have presented your story. I just noted a few typos that you might want to take care of:


*Bullet* of red roses, white dresses and gleaming rings: of us entwined and entangled.

Replace the colon with a semi-colon: of red roses, white dresses and gleaming rings; of us entwined and entangled.

*Bullet* soothing quite of the sleeping city.

quite should have been quiet.

*Bullet* arrows of cupid

You might want to capitalize the c of Cupid.

*Bullet* Then the floor began to fall away piece by piece: inch by inch and like a gaping mouth the lightless abyss opened up beneath me

Again, replace the colon with a semi-colon.


All in all, it has been some experience reading this wonderful narrative. Thanks so much for sharing this. This was one brilliant piece of story-telling! *Smile*

*GiftR* It has been a pleasure reading and reviewing your work!*GiftR*

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40
40
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Disclaimer: The following comments are entirely personal. Choose those that suit your style and leave the rest.

*Vine1* Hello Simple Dykie *Vine2*

Wow! A really nice narrative! I really enjoyed the subtle humor unfurling slowly. You have a very interesting way of punctuating humor into the narrative. It doesn't feel forced, rather flows naturally.

Even the start was really impressive. I like how you describe the just-awaken moments. After we wake up from some dream we, for the first few moments, are very much detached and confused and really do not understand what is going on. In that case it is very natural to mistake sounds of tap on the door as hammering of nails on the coffin. I really enjoyed how you bring out the instances from real life to evoke the humor. Good job! *ThumbsUp*

The only suggestion that I have would be to break up the sentences into a series of smaller sentences. I noted that quite a few lines dragged on. I think chopping them up would intensify the effect.

Thanks for sharing this. It was a wonderful read! *Smile*


*GiftR* It has been a pleasure reading and reviewing your work!*GiftR*

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41
41
Review of Imaginary love  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E
General Disclaimer: It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest! *Smile*


Hi!

I am really glad I came across your article. Because just like you, I had this notion of imagining someone in my head, who would love me really really lot. When anyone scolded me in real life, I used to imagine he was holding me, soothing me and erasing my tears. It was an awesome feeling to think someone was always there for me I guess, like you, for me it was because of my loneliness too.

As I have grown, well, not really grown, but since I joined an engineering college (or maybe before that,when I was in 11 and 12th standards) these imaginations have been replaced by worries of real life. But even now, when I lie on my bed and I imagine that my pillow is him and caress it like anything.

Just that, I never told anyone about this, cuz I never really had someone who I could tell these sort of stuff too. But today, I am really really glad that I came across something like this. Because it made me realize that I am not the only one to experience something like this. And maybe, I am not really as silly as I used to think myself because of this reason.

Thanks so much for my sharing this. Those who have been through something like this would definitely be able to relate to this.

Keep writing!

~Arpita

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#1761568 by ~*Arpita*~
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42
42
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Newbie Help And Support Review Contest Entry "Invalid Item" 

General Disclaimer: It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest! *Smile*


Good work with the article. I liked that you stressed on self-editing, because as reviewers, at times I find so many typos and errors that it feels like the author was just in a hurry to put the article up, and it is the function of the reviewer to find out all the problems. It is important to be careful and responsible for our own writings before we put it out for the public to see.

I would have liked more use of examples when you deal with the grammatical use. For example, on the onto vs on to, wee have an example on onto but none on on to. Examples on both would allow the readers to differentiate between these too.

At any rate, thanks for your endeavor. I like that you are sharing your knowledge for the benefit of the community.

Warmest regards!

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43
43
Review of alottabit  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Newbie Help And Support Review Contest Entry "Invalid Item" 

General Disclaimer: It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest! *Smile*


Hi!

First of all, a lovely title! And I really enjoyed the word you created! *Smile* A wonderful discovery indeed.

Since this is supposed to be sung as a song, I will not go into the grammar or punctuation, for this is meant to be sung rather than read or recited.

I really liked the emotions flowing in this song, especially the lines:

sometimes you make me cry and I want to leave
but my heart wont let my feet walk away

I have been in relationship, and trust me, this is exactly what it feels like, to want to break free and walk away, but somehow the heart wouldn't let me. You have just said what my heart wanted too!

Reading it aloud I felt this should indeed sound like a nice song. Thanks for sharing this lovely piece, and once again, congrats on discovering such a beautiful word for a title!

Warmest best!


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44
44
Review of Total Rage  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey! Interesting poem :)

Often it does happen, if not exactly in this manner, but metaphorically...we create a mess, and then when our muddled up minds clear up, we wonder, was it us who did this?

The sound words made the poem come real. I have just one recommendation. You could put the last line within quotes, as it is more of a direct narration.

Have a wonderful time writing,

Warmest best!

Arpita
45
45
Review of It is True  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Disclaimer: The following comments are entirely personal. Choose those that suit your style and leave the rest.

*Vine1* Hello JC *Vine2*

It's strange that the same emotion of love can take so many different forms for different people, isn't it? Some are so good that they make you want to live life again, some are so sad that they break you apart. But, yet every day people love, some last to see the light of next days, others end before you could even grasp what the relationship was.

Nice poem that you have in here. I can understand what you mean when you say:

I used to be afraid of love,

And then we meet someone who removes that fear completely from our hearts, make us happy.

I noted just two tiny errors:

*BulletR* and I hoped it wouldnt end with tragic.

wouldnt should be wouldn't.

*BulletR* I knew that i had found a cure.

The second i should be capitalized.

Thanks so much for sharing this. For someone who has been in love, this poem with be very refreshing and understandable.

Warmest regards!



*GiftR* It has been a pleasure reading and reviewing your work!*GiftR*

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46
46
Review of Distant Love  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
General Disclaimer: It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest! *Smile*

Hi!

This is indeed a very cute poem. You have touched the exact emotions so well. The simple rhyme scheme helps to flow with the mood of the poem. But more than that I enjoyed the message in this poem, the sweet love you talk about, without complications, just wanting to be together. I wish things were the same for everyone. Life would be so beautiful then!

No matter what, it is this sweetness and the want to be together makes love worth experiencing. And you hold on to that thought religiously well in this verse.

My only suggestions would be to capitalize the i in the line:

and know that i think of you,

And to change the spelling nite in the last line to night. Even though the meaning is clear, in formal writing it is best to use such forms.

Keep sharing!

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47
47
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
General Disclaimer: It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest! *Smile*


Hi!

I was totally amazed to find a story with such a title in your port, as I have a story with nearly the same name as yours:

 The Girl by the Window  (18+)
A story about child abuse
#1782096 by ~*Arpita*~


Yours is not exactly a story, but a series of visuals that you see through the window. It reminds me of one of my writing classes where we had an assignment where we had to write out scenes with visual and other sensory details. Your piece is an excellent example of this! The visuals are really mesmerizing!

An unremarkable house, with garlanded pictures of ancestors hung in rows, filling up the walls of the front porch. Long gone, dutifully remembered.

Ancient tamarind trees lining the roads on end, silent spectators of the centuries past. Magnificent yet melancholic.

The adjectives that you use to describe things makes things even clearer, and the conclusions you draw, like Magnificent yet melancholic, are even more poignant and effective.

Very good work. I think you have got an immense talent in describing things. Keep it up, you will create many such scenes tat we would not forget in a long time and would be able to picturize before our eyes.

Warmest best!

~Arpita






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48
48
Review of Leaves  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! this is a really wonderful poem. Friendship is a common topic, many poets and writers have expressed it in their own way. Yet your piece stands a unique. I really liked how your word the last two lines:

"With the winter of one friendship
Comes the spring of another."

The comparison between friends and leaves is quite apt. I never really though of it that way. Your poem made me see a point.

The only suggestion would be to put some space between the title of the poem and its first line. You could even format the title so that it stands out from the main text of poem.

Otherwise, it was a nice read. Simple feelings described in simple way. It is really nice seeing some simple things in these complex times.
Keep sharing!

~Arpita
49
49
Review of My Story  
Review by ~*Arpita*~
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, we all come across these things in some point or the other. I was myself an introvert, and could not make a lot of friends. Slowly I focused myself, told myself repeatedly that I have to move on and be extrovert.

I can not say that I am totally extrovert yet, a few things still keep me back. But at least I am in the process of trying.

I hope writing this piece made you feel better. It works for me when I am sad.

Best wishes in your life!

~Arpita
50
50
Review by ~*Arpita*~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Disclaimer: The following comments are entirely personal. Choose those that suit your style and leave the rest.

*Vine1* Hello Sourmaniack *Vine2*

For a first story you have done amazingly well. The setting is vivid, the characters lively and the conflict is strong. I'll discuss them one by one.

Setting: Throughout the story we get peeks into the house that Cindy lives in, the closet, hall. Very picturesque and graphic description. Good work!

Characters: The character of both Cindy and her husband is well-developed. Cindy is a quiet housewife who compromises her own happiness and desires for her husband (until the end, that is). She tries to find pleasure in her paintings. The inner dialogs help to bring out her character traits well. I loved the contrasts that you show in the following paragraph:

“It wouldn’t matter to you what I was doing, as long as I dropped it to do your bidding,” Cindy thought as she colored in the wooden parts of the pirate ship with a burnt sienna crayon. “I didn’t marry you to be your slave.” Something was different now and it took her a moment to realize that those spiteful thoughts, that had come across her conciousness many times, were no longer filled with spite, they were just a sad habit. Out loud she simply said, “In a minute then."

Her husband's character is equally well-developed. Through meaningful gestures and dialogs you show how mean he is. I liked that you use the sentence “Grab me another beer while you’re up.” He said blankly,
This helps us to guess how exactly he is like.

I want to mention one thing here. I saw how beautifully you balanced showing vs telling here. You use descriptions to show things, and you use exposition cleverly to move the story forward quickly without going on and on with showing part. People around here keep talking about 'show, not tell'. I was amazed to see such a good use of it in your very first piece. You indeed have got some real talent!

Conflict: I always love stories that have some epiphany in them. Cindy is a dynamic character here and she undergoes some change throughout the time-frame of the story. I liked that after years of being a good house wife she finally wants to go out there and live her life. Good work!

Oh by the way, the use of the pictures Cindy draws as a symbol to mark the change was awesome too.

Your piece is well-edited and there are not many suggestions that I have. Just a few that I noted:

*CheckG* You need not put the thoughts in quotations as you did:

“It wouldn’t matter to you what I was doing, as long as I dropped it to do your bidding,” Cindy thought as she colored in the wooden parts of the pirate ship with a burnt sienna crayon.

I noted you do this in other places too. You can drop the quotations, just italicizing is enough.

*CheckG* dingey: This is a typo. I think the actual spelling should be dingy.

*CheckG* that had come across her conciousness many times: Again a little typo. conciousness should be consciousness.

*GiftR* It has been a pleasure reading and reviewing your work!*GiftR*

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*Pencil* HAPPY WRITING *Pencil*


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