General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
First of all, A HUGE WELCOME TO WDC! I hope you will enjoy your stay here immensely!
The story mostly reads good. you describe things clearly. I liked:
So she threw back her covers, swung her legs out, straightened out her night gown, and tore open the envelope.
It actually shows me what the character was doing, which is very essential in fiction writing. Good job!
I have a few suggestions to make this an even better piece:
Heather read that letter 8 times before going to bed.
Consider writing 8 in words.
After continuing to read her book, the felt a slight tugging on the back of her mind.
A tense error in the very beginning --- After continuing should be after reading or as she continued to read the book. Because when you are doing something after wards, how can you still be continuing? Hope you get the point!
the should probably be she.
Another thing I found: tugging on the back...well, I think on should have been at.
But all the letter said was, "I'm coming back." As she read it, chills came down her back. I'm coming back.
Either put the second I'm coming back within inverted commas, like the first or put it in italics, as it shows a thought.
Overall, this is a nice piece. With just some work I think this will be great!
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hi!
Powerful little poem. I love the honesty about it.
I'd suggest two things:
1) so use to the feeling --- use should be 'used'.
2) Add some punctuation to your poem --- Though this part isn't much urgent. You are a newbie and you will learn along the way.
As I end, Welcome on board on WDC. I'm sure you will enjoy this amazing site a lot!
~Arpita
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Since you asked me to read your story, I thought I'd just give you a review anyway.
For some one who has just started writing, you write pretty well. I chose this very first piece, so that it would give me an insight into things. And yes, you do really well with that, you chalk out your characters neatly---at least to give your readers the first insight into the story and its characters. The rest you can develop as you write the story. Good work!
I found a few errors in the piece. I'll mention them below:
Kyle has a huge crush on Black Widow
Period missing at the end of sentence.
born on a planet named "Tevi-yon" She is a princess air to the throne.
Either make these two separate sentences. or you might write it as:
Born on a planet named "Tevi-yon", she is a princess heir (not air) to the throne.
She is the girly est girl ever.
girlyest, not girly est. On second thoughts, I'd suggest you actually change this word with something else.
When she's not kicking but, she enjoys to cook.
Butts, not but.
So that's about it. I also visited the link in which you put up your pictures. They absolutely suit the story. Good job with the painting too!
Sci-fi is not really my genre, but I was kind of interested to read your stuff. I'd like to get back to your port and read the next installments too.
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello!
First of all, congratulations on almost completing another year at WDC. Happy Advanced Anniversary!
This is a piece where you point out how to write flash, or rather how to get better at writing this. Flash fiction is indeed slices of life, and not always easy to write. I was handy getting such interesting tips on writing this.
You write this not with the perspective of a authority regarding flash, but as a writer who has been writing flash for sometime and has learnt things on his way. So, I found many points which I could relate to, because I also felt those at some point or the other while writing a flash:
Ignore the word count until the story is written. You can’t do this completely, but you can allow yourself to go over the word limit by 25% or so. Go back afterward and take out those needless words. If you try to edit the count as you go along, you will find that you are restricting the story that needs to come out.
Don’t read the other entries for a prompt until after you have written your story. When I do this, I find myself getting discouraged. I think that I can’t write a story as good as the one that I just read. I also find it hard to come up with a story line completely unique now that I have read someone else’s take on the prompt.
Overall, I found this piece very enriching. I have been trying to write flash fictions for sometime now and your points were extremely helpful. You have written this very professionally and I love the tone of the article.
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
First impression: Nice font and color. The center-aligning also looks good!
Errors or typos: None whatsoever.
What I liked:
The imageries that you use are wonderful, painting nice pictures. The flow is good and feels nice when read aloud.
The theme is very sweet, and you express your emotion very well in the piece. Emotionally, it touches the reader. Good work!
Suggestions :
I saw you have given the item type as prose. However, the structure of the piece is more like a poem. So, I think it'd be better to use poetry as the item type.
I noted that you didn't use punctuation at all in the piece. Sometimes punctuation helps a bit to make it easier to understand the piece. So, I'd suggest using some punctuation.
Overall: It was enjoyable reading this piece. It reflects some beautiful thoughts dedicated to someone close. I have been reading up stories here for sometime now, so it was very refreshing reading and reviewing this piece.
Lastly, wish you an advanced Happy Anniversary on WDC! Congratulations on completing yet another year here.
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello!
A very short, yet vivid piece of writing here!
I love how clearly you describe things, evoking beautiful memories:
There was something special about it - the alignment of bed (with its stark purple bedcover); the big rusty grilled window; the decorations on the wall; the open balcony looking straight into horizon while herding past the manicured gardens and wild plantations on way; the study table loaded with things that I would deem essential to my happiness like books, reading materials, my journals, stationery, picture frames, paint colours, brushes, greeting cards and my beloved dictionary, apart from the other indispensible paraphrenalia.
You actually show what your room is like, that helps readers to visualize it.
I also love the cute imagery you use of the squirrel. I can almost see them before my eyes!
The whole setup was somehow just too perfect for me. I'd wake up with the early morning white sun peeping through my window. Oh, how lovely it would be to hear little birds sing a wake up serenade. The furry squirrel would come scurrying on the balcony parapet slowly gnawing on those tiny broken crumbs of sweet biscuit I would leave for them every night.
This is a very short piece and there are almost no errors. I'll just point out one or two that you might have missed:
apart from the other indispensible paraphrenaliaparaphrenalia should be paraphernalia.
Oh, how lovely it would be to hear little birds sing a wake up serenade. There should be an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence, instead of the period.
I noticed in one para (the first para of your piece that I quote in this review), you use semicolons a lot. Also, this particular sentence that I quoted is very long. It might help if you break it up into smaller pieces.
Overall, it was really refreshing reading this piece. I almost felt transported to your little haven. Thanks for sharing this!
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello!
I can see you are very new here. First of all, welcome to WDC! Wish you all the best wishes on your journey here!
So this is the first piece you put up here, a short story. Lots of things you wanted to pack in it: murder, mystery and twist as you mention. Your story begins on a very interesting note, instantly evoking the reader's interest to read on to find out what happens next. Good work!
Your second best thing about this story is its dialogues. Dialog, often, is the best way to let your readers into your story and its characters. And you do that really well through whatever few dialogues you use.
Thirdly, I love how you describe Adrian. Adrian was tall, slim, dark haired, and at this moment, rather hungry. He wore a suit that needed changing, and a long trench coat, open despite the light rain that was falling.
It is very clear and shows us exactly what Adrian's state of mind and body is. It helps us relate to him instantly, making him real and believable. Good job!
However, there were a few mistakes and typos that I found. I'll point them out for you:
The body was found around 3am Add a space between three and am.
Dumped down an alleyway, Detective Inspector Adrian Dolman thought it was just another cliche murder.Cliche should be cliched.
A little typo: curiousity taking over from tiredness.curiousity should be curiosity.
You missed a period at the end of the line: And nor is this"
Besides this, I want to say a few things about the writing itself. You promise a lot in your description of the story. But somehow, that promise isn't totally fulfilled. Sometimes I felt it was written in a hurry, with not much time devoted to detailing. At best, this can act as a prologue to some bigger story.
However, I also understand this is your very first piece here. With time and some revision, I'm certain this is going to be a great piece. So just hang in there an and I'm sure we will get to read lot more interesting stuff from you in near future!
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
First of all, thank you for sharing it with us all. This is an amazing piece. I have read a few articles and writings on 9/11 attacks, but this one was, well, totally different.
The main plus point of this story for me is the very idea of it. You chose to tell the tale from Death’s perspective. And that choice itself is highly commendable.
Coming to the execution, it was perfect too. You create a very vivid description of the Angel of Death, of his feelings and his job. Through a clear narrative you pull the reader into the story; make them see the happenings through the eyes of Death. I felt at times that I was myself the Angel of Death and as the Angel hovered over NYC sky, I felt I could see it just before my eyes.
The description of the attack itself was magnificently done:
Large support beams, shards of glass and other debris were beginning to fall around me. The floor, now coated in a thick layer of dust and rubble, was swaying and buckling under my feet. I could feel more and more people slipping from the world of life to that of the dead. Sirens were shrieking and bystanders were screaming as they watched the iconic tower start to crumble in on itself.
This is what they call show, not tell, and you pull that off pretty skillfully, my friend!
I loved how you show the readers how the Angel feelings as terror and pain wrecks through every living soul: The plane crashed into the World Trade Center at 8:46 AM. There was another waved of terror and pain that swept over me as I slowly made my way to the tower. I could feel the heat of the fire radiating from the gaping hole that the plan left on the upper part of the building. My ears were filled with the roaring of the flames and the desperate cries of agony. I started sifting through the rubble as quickly as I could in an attempt to free the victim’s souls and end their immense suffering.
It was taking every ounce of strength and self-control I had to not allow myself to be taken over by their feelings. The souls I was extracting from the rubble weren’t feeling particularly free or appreciative. Instead, they surrounded me and flooded me with a sense of confusion.
I couldn’t help but be mesmerized!
And you just don’t end the story with the plane attacks. You go on to show how it actually affects the Angel, how he gives up his job as the Angel of death being touched by the sufferings of thousands of human beings, even after being admonished by his father. Very humane (or should I say angelic?)!
As I said before, this is a wonderfully written piece. I’ll just point out a few technical errors that I found:
The pain and suffering that soul had felt in life no longer feels in death.
This sentence read a bit confusing to me. I was thinking more along the lines The pain and suffering that soul had felt in life is no longer felt in death. See what you think.
I’ve always like I’ve always liked
There was another waved of terror and pain that swept over me as I slowly made my way to the tower. Waved should be wave. You might even consider writing this like: Another wave of terror and pain swept over me as I slowly made my way to the tower.
See if this suits you.
It was taking every ounce of strength and self-control I had to not allow myself to be taken over by their feelings.
You may write it was taking as it took.
Overall, it was really amazing reading this piece. I was recently discussing with a fellow author what we needed at this point of time---good writers or good story-tellers. I think you shine in both the categories gracefully. Keep writing and sharing like this!
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello!
A cute poem!
I love the imageries that you flood the reader with. Very picturesque and vivid! I especially loved:
Blue eyes laughing
In the star light.
Children's laughter
Floats on the breeze,
It makes leaves dance,
The rhythm of trees.
I have a few suggestions:
I found that you rhyme a few stanzas, and the others are left un-rhymed.
For example,
She squeezes my hand
And says with a smile,
"Your the best daddy
In the whole wide world."
I wished this particular stanza were rhymed. Somehow, it didn't feel quite complete. Whenever you write a poem, please choose a rhyming scheme. If you want to go with free form (with no rhyming at all), that's good. But don't mix up rhyme and free form. It hampers the smooth flow.
In the sentence my heaven on earth, capitalize m of my.
Overall, it was enjoyable reading your piece. It paints a very beautiful picture and evokes pleasant emotions. With just a little care the poem will be wonderful!
Best wishes,
Arpita
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
First impression: I like the spacing that you have used. The title is also appropriate and says quite a lot for the poem. Good work!
Errors or typos: I found only some, I'll point it out for you:
Blinded by hate, and words it just goes into a blur.
In this line I think you should leave out the comma after hate. I think what you mean here is to say is blinded by hate and words. So there's no need of the comma.
I didn't quite understand the line and the real you shows tired of all the names and hate.
Shows? I felt you meant it more like the real you grows. Just me!
In the line: you showed that your not scared,.
your should be you are.
What I liked:
I loved the strong words you use. You get your message very clear and everything hits the right nerve. Nicely done!
I love your positive attitude towards life. You rightly begin: Everybody has been through it, but no one loves it.
How true that is! But you end on an even postive note: When it all goes because you showed that your not scared, and everything is easy as its suppose to!
It gives the hope that all is not over, and even when everything seems to end, some things always remain. Wonderful thoughts and very well expressed!
Suggestions :
Well, the only suggestion I have is that, since you are writing a poem and even though it is in free form, you might try keeping the length of the lines uniform. But if you want to carry on with this style, that's good too. After all, every author has her own style!
Overall: It has been wonderful reading your work. You are new here and you strike to me as a very powerful poet. Keep sharing with the community!
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello!
This is perhaps your first item here and the first flash fiction too. The main thing about flash fiction is that they got to be real short. Often it gets pretty difficult to do that in such a few words.
You have presented a very beautiful piece here. It holds much promise. Your punctuation and grammar is good and the idea of the flash is also good. What I liked best is how it ends. You end it symbolically, keeping the reader guessing what happens next. For me, that's a very good way to end.
One thing that you could improve upon in this piece is that you might try adding some details. For the most part the flash is narrative, showing the story from your perspective. I think the reader would be drawn more towards the piece if you try showing it from the protagonist's perspective. Like when you say she is praying, you can actually add her thoughts in italics. That would make the reader relate to her tension even more.
Overall, it has been good reading your work. It has a good idea, with a little care this is going to be a nice flash.
Please check out "Let's help each other grow!-Forum-Closed" . It is a forum for newbies like us, for us to come together and share our work and problems. You can even add a review requests there.
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello there!
Just found this on the static items page. The title struck, so I read on. And I'm glad I did.
The best thing about this narrative is that it flows amazingly smooth !
Second, the dialogue is very, very well written. It cl;early shows the attitudes of both the characters. Very nicely done!The way you use dialogue to change Sid's mind is very convincing. Nicely done! I specifically loved: I hit rock bottom, and suddenly everybody's interested? Wow!
I also loved the story you told through this. It gives out a positive message. You don't make your guardian preachy and all, so the story flows in a very convincing manner. Simply love your style!
Your writing is almost perfect. I have a very few things to point out.
First, I'd ask you to give some more spacing in the piece. It is easier on the eye that way.
The punctuation is very good. I'll point a few areas that you might have overlooked by chance.
He looks at the bottles, and i can see the resentment.
Capitalize i.
You missed the period in a few areas:
"Of course you can"
"You were never alone"
Overall, it has been an amazing experience reading this! I'm looking forward to reading some more of your stuff. I think you have an amazing writer in you. Thanks for sharing with the community.
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
First impression:The font and spacing all suits the piece.
Errors or typos: Only one that I found. I think in the line Even the smalls are a world unto its own, selling; telling; informing and advertising, all the wares of this world, even in alphabetical order. there should have been a comma instead of semicolon between selling and telling
What I liked:
I loved the lucid way the piece flowed.
You touch the important parts as to why books are so popular. I loved that you used historical tidbits as well as modern time information. Good work!
What I didn't like so much:
None. I loved your style pretty much.
Suggestions :
Only one suggestion I have-try adding some genre to the writing. Adding genres will help readers to find your writing easily.
Overall: It was wonderful reading this piece. I personally am crazy about books and I could relate to your piece a lot for that reason.
Keep Writing!
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
First impression:The font size and spacing makes it an easy read. The tittle is okay, but I think something like "First day of frog dissection" would be more accurate, because the title you have chosen is somewhat more general.
Errors or typos: None. Good work!
What I liked:
I simply loved the phrase The mere thought of it had me questioning exactly which direction the cafeteria food was going to take.
The punctuation is very good.
What I didn't like so much:
While reading this piece I felt that your sentences were long in most cases. It helps if you break them up into shorter ones.
Suggestions :
My only suggestion to you will be to detail into some areas. Like when you say Susie groaned you could just show me her reaction, as in what remarks she actually made. You have done this showing in some places-you just need to do that some more. Same goes with explaining the situation in the rooms-what other children were doing? Was everyone as nervous as the protagonist? It'd help the readers to picture the atmosphere and make the story more real to us.
Overall: It was pretty interesting reading your piece. I'm myself a science student (though I don't have biology) and I know about this experiences from those who have done it. I know exactly how it feels to dissect frogs for the first time, the sheer grossness of the whole method. You showed the feelings very neatly. Good work! Keep sharing!
Very touching piece. The end nearly brought tears to my eyes! I loved how nicely you made your observation on first love:
"First loves are the best. They tower above all others because they are comparable to nothing."
How true these words are! Anyone in love will vouch for that.
I just have one suggestion: you talk about her death n the last para. However, it comes really abrupt after the beautiful narrative of your love-story. In fact, in the beginning of the last para, I couldn't even make out that it was she who had died. I think you could handle the last para a little differently.
Anyways, it was amazing to read your story. Thanks so much for sharing this.
~Arpita
Hi there!
A very well-written piece! It was really amazing to read about such a beautiful dream. You have the pictures painted exactly accurate. I could almost see what you wanted us to see-your wife, her beauty, the places you went to.
Really some dreams are SO beautiful!
I have just a little suggestion for you. I noticed in the narrative, you switch between past and present tenses even in the same para. In any type of writing, maintaining uniformity of the tense is important. See if you can do anything about it.
Overall, I'm really glad that I read this piece! It was a different experience altogether!
~Arpita
Hi!
I think this is a great start to a beautiful story. In fact the last line did make me want to know more.
The beginning would be better if we got to know why the protagonist hates her parents. But I think it'll be okay as you move on with the story.
So good luck with it, hoping to see the next part of it here soon.
~ Arpita
Hi!
Very interesting little story! I enjoyed reading about how a fat ban would be like. I don't know if bans like that are already in action in some places, so it was entirely new and entertaining for me. I felt sympathy for the poor woman. Your story had a subtle comical touch to it too.
However, I felt that the second part of the story (when the woman is alone in the car) was too much narrative. It would read better if there were some dialogues more. Like without giving me the information about the ban, you could show that happening already. So that it would break the monotony of the narrative.
Overall, it was very interesting reading your little story. I enjoyed it a lot.
~Arpita
Hi!
For a first piece you have done a really great job! The content was good and touching. You used the dialogues very creatively and the helped with the smooth flow of the story.
I have a few suggestions regarding the punctuations:
1)How do I know how a bad father looked like when I was still 10
In the above line there should be a question mark at the end.
2) I saw in most cases you didn't use periods in within the quotation mark. Like in the sentence:
"Not unless you buy it or inherit it" there should be a period after it.
3)“aw whatever!"-Capitalize a of 'aw'
Otherwise, your story is amazing. It was a wonderful experience reading it.
~Arpita
I liked your vision that you have expressed through the poem. Indeed our lives are like a song. Whatever we do, dream, think is like one beautiful tune. It's the tune of life that surpasses everything-hatred, enmity, and all evils. But sometimes people do forget who they are, why they came to this world and hamper the flow of life's song. It's only about recognizing the self.
Your article gave me lots to think on. That's definitely a very good point about it.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hello there!
Welcome to WDC! I hope you are enjoying your journey here quite a lot.
Just found your little story here. It's quite interesting. You have built on the mood pretty well in it. I have just a few suggestions regarding punctuation.
In the following line:
"Ever since her and Bryan broke up her cell phone has been going off the charts with text messages and phone calls." there should be a comma after " Ever since her and Bryan broke up"
Add a period after "Don't get me wrong".
I'm not bitter or anything(add period again) I'm in my own happy relationship with my boyfriend, Kyle.
And is this work still in progress? The end wasn't somehow like THE END. If it isn't complete, please add 'in progress' or something like that in the title.
It was great reading your story. I loved how your built this up. Hope to see more of it.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hey there!
Just went through your story here. It was nice having a peek into your mind (if this story is strictly based on you, that is). Many times in our lives we meet someone who make up our whole world until the time they leave. Not that they leave willingly always, because man is bound to some choices. And that, I guess, is the tragedy of being human. Yes, falling in love is like enjoying the bliss of Heaven. But when it ends (willingly, or unwillingly) it hurts like hell.
The only hopeful part is that, no matter what, life goes on. May be someday you’ll find your perfect person who won’t have to leave you like that. Just as they say, who knows when miracles happen?
~Arpita
Hey there!
This is far from worst. It's great! Especially the end, IT IS HILARIOUS! It's witty and sharp.
The punctuation is good, the flow of the poem is nice. The lines are of equal length, which assists the flow.
Nicely done.
Best wishes,
~Arpita
Hello there!
I know what you mean. I can relate to it because I myself face that everyday. I have friends who make friends with me just so they can use me. And this has happened a lot of times in the past few years. I think your mom found the reason right:
"she said i was honset, trusting and guilable, and that those three things led to me down fall". Most often than not, I tend to believe the person in front of me, and try to help him/her in any way I can. As a result I end up being used. The friends come and go, and i'm just left hurt. I think that's the case with you too.
As for your writing itself, please capitalize the 'i' and the first letter after every period. And the last line:
"oppisite from a hero, hes a villian." should be 'opposite of a hero, he's a villain'. And 'honset' should be honest.
Hope you find your hero someday.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hello!
Just read your little story here. Wonderful narrative. I loved the swift flow that the story had. The inner thoughts of the protagonist (or the narrator) very beautifully kept me hooked into the story. I liked how your presented your characters too.
Best wishes,
Arpita
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The imageries that you use are wonderful, painting nice pictures. The flow is good and feels nice when read aloud.
Suggestions
It was enjoyable reading this piece. It reflects some beautiful thoughts dedicated to someone close. I have been reading up stories here for sometime now, so it was very refreshing reading and reviewing this piece.
I have read a few articles and writings on 9/11 attacks, but this one was, well, totally different. 
What I didn't like so much