Hello!
A very beautiful little story. You chose a very nice plot and have elaborated in it pretty well. First let me come to what I liked best:
1) I loved that you detailed on the settings, you showed me the place where Em was, the smell and sound of it. It helped me picture the place well.
2) I loved the innocence and love for the tree that you brought forward in the following lines:
Emily hesitated before exiting the Jeep. Turning to Jason, she said softly, “You’re going to love her Jason, but if you don’t, act like you do, okay?”
I found it really cute and touching too.
Now coming to the part where I think you could improve upon:
1) In the very beginning, Em’s dialogue sounded a little monotonous. All the lines you have added a pretty long. Since this is conversation, I think, breaking thing up into lines of varied length would even up the dialogue.
2) Both the characters acted as they should, for the most part. But I think I’d have loved some more insight into Jason’s character.
3) A little grammatical mistake in the line: Aww, that if so adorable, Em. ‘If’ should be ‘is’.
4) And I didn’t really get what you wanted to say in the last line:
Emily grinned and murmured under her breath, “Jason will be needing this.”
I think you meant about carving the initials, but I feel that the ending would be much better if you actually showed her carving the letters. It would give the story a more symbolic end.
Overall, this is a very beautiful piece. I enjoyed Em’s little secret, and how you presented it. Em appears a very lively girl, and you have showed that aspect of her character very well. Kudos for that. The whole story brought around very pleasant memories.
Thanks for sharing and my very best wishes to you.
~Arpita
Hello!
Very nicely done. i loved the atmosphere you created in your little story. I felt with your characters and could relate to them.
However I have a few suggestions regarding the grammar and punctuation:
1)Every hair on Tiffany's body was standing on end -> I think standing on end should be 'stood on end'
2)listened to his heart-that at that moment-only wanted her. -> I don't think you need to add the hyphens here, the line is ok as it is.
Overall, i loved reading your little story. it was an enjoyable experience that lingers on.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hello!
I’m just a high school girl from India and not really well-aware of this playboy culture. But I think I understood much of it through your writing.
What I liked about your writing is that it has much truth in it. The character doesn’t care what people think of him-he loves who he is and he dares to say that on the face too. I don’t know if I’ll like a guy like that, but…he’s definitely much, much better than someone who uses a girl, takes advantage of her innocence and then throws her away. With your character, at least I know what I can expect. If I like it, I might go on, and if I don’t, who cares. In short, I found your character extremely believable and real. After a really long time I read about someone like this and in so much detail.
And my favorite lines are:
" They’re all pretty much the same: one hot heavy step forward, followed by two catholic steps back. Cat and mouse, back and forth and you can’t figure out who’s the cat and who’s the mouse. "
I'm amazed by how you used hot step and catholic step.
Very well done!
~Arpita
Hello!
A very nice poem. Very vivid description. It effectively touches the heart. I can feel the pain in it. Very powerful a poem indeed!
However, I don't really get why you put the words in square brackets, I think the words would fit as well if you remove them. Just an opinion.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Well, I don't know about your mailbox, but this is a very interesting story you have written here! I loved the easy manner in which you told the story, the simple words you have chosen and the vivid pictures that you have created. In short, it was a joyful experience reading your story. I kind of felt sympathy for the poor mailbox too!
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hi!
I saved up your story yesterday on my computer. Thought I’d better devote some time to it before I came back with a review.
I guess what you have put up so far is just the beginning of the story. The descriptions were very vivid. Most of it was elaborate. I wished you detailed a little more in some instances. I’m copying the passages where I think you could have elaborated on:
1) For the remainder of their lunch hour, the two chatted happily about their first half of the day. Both of them purposely avoided their awkward conversation earlier that morning
2) For the remainder of the night, Sky silently listened to his parents and Mr. Dunstan and his wife exchange small talk and a little bit of business talk.
I know you might have jumped details about these because you wanted to move ahead with the story, but I still think that a few more conversations would provide a charm. Like, in the second instance that I pointed out, you can add a little of the small talk you mentioned, like the greetings as the guests come in and stuff like that. I’m saying this mostly because you have embarked upon writing a novel here. So, I think you could use a slower pace, you don’t need to jump from this to that. This is not really a short story that you need to jump to the conclusion right away.
Moving on, what I liked best about your story is the ending. All throughout the story a certain gloom reigned over (which was exactly what the story required, and you have managed to do it brilliantly). So the end came like a breath of fresh air. It added the positivity required in the story. I was really struck by where you chose to end the chapter. As of now, it’s brilliant. Cuz the positivity of the ending hung around in the atmosphere that you have created and flared up my curiosity to know what’s next. You really know very well how to keep the reader hooked into you story.
Overall, it was a joy to read your writing. Hoping to see the next part of the story very soon over here.
~Arpita
Hi!
How wonderful imageries you have created! The whole poem is filled with so varied pictures. Each provokes a very beautiful memory or thought. This is so totally different from what we get to read in general love-poems.
I think you have done a great job.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hello!
Welcome to WDC! I see you are pretty new here!
As for your poem, I have a couple of suggestions:
1)Please make 'id' "I'd".
2)Capitalize the 'i'
3)Change spelling of knoe to know
4)Change spelling of cheast to chest.
5)When you put up your poems, add a few genres to them, like 'love/romance' in this case. It'll help people to find your writings.
So that's all I have to say for now. Best wishes for your journey here.
~Arpita
Well, it is good if a poem has some positive ending in it. But don't worry about it. Poetry actually defines our feelings-so, what you are feeling is bound to make its way through your verse. Maybe when you are in a more positive mood you'll write positive things.
As for the poem, it was good reading it. I could relate to it. And I'm sure anyone who has suffered will be able to relate to it too.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Amazing! Brilliant idea, perfect execution! And you kept the interest of the reader intact till the very end. And what a beautiful message! Reading this story is so more better that listening to a lecture about loving ones neighbors.
I'm your fan already.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hi!
This is an amazing poem you wrote here. Initially anyone would be mislead by the first few lines, to put it in your own words:Facts that mislead.
And then the last stanza comes as a BANG!
You kept the suspense tight right till the very end, and at last when the mystery unfurls, it is JUST AWESOME!
best wishes,
~Arpita
Hi!
After I read your review of my poem, I visited your port and came across your writing.
Ah! You have written so beautifully!
All the time that I was reading this I was feeling that this was exactly what I have been wanting to tell people. I could relate to your writing so much!
I'm just a high school student now. But I feel the pressure of dual living so much! You know so many times I'd be sad and cry my heart out. But my mom hates to see me cry, she's scold me and tell me to stop crying. She doesn't value my tears, she doesn't feel the pain underneath them. She thinks that I become a cry-baby at times. It's not like she doesn't love me or anything, but she just hates tears.
And I have seen most people hate to see others crying. But tears are often the best way to lift your mood. But, for others' sake I have to hide my tears.
Every time I want to do something I love, I have to be cautious so that I'm not breaking any of society's rule. Sometimes I feel that everybody has put on a mask and they want others to do that too. And they won't let anyone do as they wish, they would let no one be different. And so you have to go by the dual living rule.
But that's where the writer comes in! He writes what he wishes. He writes through his characters his own story-his own failures and victories. May be as a person living in the real world he has to go by society's rules, but in his writings he dares to say something different. He lives a different life there, a life which draws him closer to his perfectionist self.
I just want to say that in this article you have beautifully expressed the life of a writer and his contrast with a common individual. For once, I feel so lucky that I too am a part of the great phenomenon of being a writer, though I'm just a novice out here.
Thanks for sharing this. It was a privilege to read your work.
Best wishes,
~Arpita
Hello!
I just went through your little essay here and the poem "Have you ever". Actually first I read your poem and then got interested and then I checked on your port.
Well, I am a high school student from India and am a senior this year. I don't know much about life at your place. And well, things works pretty differently in India than it does at your place. But anyway, I feel what you have gone through and love the positive spirit that you still have in you after going through all these.
I too, have at times, thought of not living anymore, but that's wholly different from what your reasons are. I am not a very strong girl and I cry even if someone says some harsh words to me. Sometimes I feel no one understands me and that I am the most lonely person in this world. That hurts a lot.
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know, that every person has some grief hidden in him/her which they might not show. Maybe what you experienced is too much for your age, but I'm really glad that you emerged a stronger woman.
And if you feel like, I'd love to be your friend. At least I found someone whom I can share my pain with.
Let me know.
Bye.
Arpita
Hello Kelsey,
I just went through your short description here. As always, you wrote great. I love the way you describe things.
Just wanted to know. do these things really happen in your place, or this is just an imagination?
It was pretty scary for me!
Reply soon, bye!
Hello!
This is Arpita. I'm a student. I recently went through the Twilight series. And like all teens I could not help but just be mesmerized by the story. I just couldn't get over it. All the time I was thinking about it...and imagining various parts of it. I haven't gotten over it yet!
Bella, no doubt is a great girl. Stephenie has portrayed her as a brave girl full of love. She is very real. Even after knowing Edward was a vampire she doesn't live him. In every book of the series we find her unconditional love for Edward, not even once she questions her love for Edward.
And not to forget that she is the only one who acted as a catalyst and made the vampires and werewolves fight alongside each other rather than against each other. She is the reason that led to formation of this beautiful friendship.
But I think we should give credit to Edward even. He was forever concerned that Bella should not be harmed. He even left Forks so that he or his family wouldn't hurt her. Throughout the series we find he'd do anything to keep Bella safe and during the end anything to keep Bella happy. After all, it is just because he was strong enough to control his immense thirst for Bella's blood that we have the Twilight series today..if he had gone with his instincts i don't think we'd even have Twilight series.
You have very clearly portrayed Bella's sacrifice and strength. It is really beautiful. I just wished you had written something about Edward too.
Anyways, I'm sure opinions vary...we all interpret twilight in our own terms and pick favorites. At the end of all debate, the truth that remains is that ttwilight remains one of the most touching love stories of my generation at least.
Best wishes.
Bye.
This is Arpita here! Since you told that you had a piece on Ladi posted here, I couldn't resist myself from going through it.
I haven't known you for long. But in the few mails that we exchanged I've come to know how deeply you love horses and feel for them. You see, as I have told you before I come from a place where you do not get to see horses often. So until i read your mails I hardly ever thought about them. of course, I admired horses for their beauty and speed. But reading your mails and story now i see them differently. I don't see them as mere creatures now...rather much like humans, or even better, as the horses will never hurt you like people sometimes do.
And you are a very beautiful writer too! The more i read of you the more i get fascinated. You have a very rare quality of expressing things very, very clearly. you can bring out every emotion very clearly in your writing. And you know what i think? I have a feeling that you can write so beautifully as you are a very beautiful human being. you are a very loving and kind person. I'm just glad that I got to be friends with you. And I'm sure we'll be friends for a long time to come, and I'll get to read such beautiful pieces from you again and again.
Hello!
A very well written piece here. In many households there are women like these. They try to be good wives, good mothers and hold the family together.
In the process they give up what they really want for themselves, they give up on their dreams and wear away just like that.
You captured that feeling exceedingly well within such a short span...And the positive note on the end showed that no matter what, there is alwys a way.
It will inspire many women who thus let their lives wear away, sacrificing everything for others.
thank you so much for sharing this.
Best wishes.
Huh!
Really made for a nice read. In this world of tensions and problems your poem comes as an interesting relief and really soothes the mood.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It really refreshed my mind.
Write On!
Best wishes.
hello!
It's a beautiful poem you wrote here. And a very new way of seeing things too. I must say you have a wonderful gift of imagination.
Not everyone can see something special in something very plain!
Wonderful piece of poetry!
Thanks so much for sharing!
All the best for your future writings!
bye!
Hello!
i just went through your poem and then your portfolio.
Well, you seem an interesting person.
By the way I'm Arpita. I'm a high school student from India. I'm new here at WDC.
As for your poem, i grasped the general feeling of it, but didn't understand everything
Would you please explain your thoughts while writing this poem? That might help me to understand it.
Best wishes.
Hi Kelsey!
I'm Arpita!
I have been waiting for your mails. But haven't yet got a reply.
About your poem,it's a nice work, and the alignment is unique too. I just wished that the poem ended on a more positive note.
And i think punctuating the poem will make it easier for the readers to understand.
Thanks for sharing the poem.
And you know i just posted a poem 'on a horse, in the woods'. It is inspired by you and your horse..please go through it.
i hope you'll like it.
Reply soon!
Bye!
hello there!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories.
Yes,some of the best memories of our lives we share with our parents.
The piece clearly reflected how you feel for your father.
My best wishes for you and your dad.
Hope you have a beautiful life ahead!
hello!
i just went through your poem!
honestly,it is mesmerizing!
i could almost see the the proceedings before my eyes!
very,very graphic description!
and you brought out the emotions very well too!
keep up the great job!
looking forward to more such jewels from your kitty!
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