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240 Public Reviews Given
331 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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76
76
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. Thank you very much for stopping by "Invalid Item" . If you have any comments about this review -- or any comments about the forum -- you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

I must remark again that I really enjoy your way with words, though at times the language is a bit "heavy" in the sense that you dump a lot of formal tones upon the reader, but no matter. I still like it. *Laugh*

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

The full moon hanged overhead, and the chill wind buffed his vestments about him...
hanged should be hung. *Smile*

The next day was thoroughly uneventful for Mernith.
There's nothing wrong with the sentence, except you start the paragraph with that sentence. If you are making a break in time, either separate your pagraphs by two line spaces or add some type of break (i.e. "***").

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Woo-hoo! This is wonderful. Is this perhaps my shortest review for you thus far? I think that this chapter is wonderfully written and I congratulate you on a job well done. I do not have any comments except those above; I admire your writing style, again.

No grammar issues, nada. *Smile*

Again, thank you for the review request. If you would like another review, please revisit my forum by clicking on the link above or the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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77
77
Review of The Axe  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thanks for joining the *Star*Flash Quote Contest! *Star*

This is your first review. I will read all submissions again after the round closes on Friday. Each section here will be rated on a scale of 1-10 and your total will reflect your placement.

*Note6* Plot/Theme Originality: 8/10

I like the idea you have here. I really think that the idea is capable of winning this round of the contest, but there are a few problems with the structure of your piece: first, you never really show the reader how Jim is NOT being a fool. You really don't describe him and the way he's standing around, so the fact that the manager is firing him comes to the reader as a surprise.

Otherwise, everything else in relation to the plot and theme is fine. However, you should make sure to do your best before Friday. *Smile*

*Cut* Grammar: 6/10

"Hey you stupid wiener!" yelled a voice from a car speeding by.
You should have a comma after Hey.

"Like I haven't heard that one before." I muttered.
The period after before should be a comma because it is dialogue.

"Sure thing." I replied.
Same thing as above; period should be a comma.

"Ok." I said.
Same thing as above; period should be a commma.

*Paste* Spelling: 10/10

I do believe that spelling is perfectly okay in this piece.

*Heart* Overall Opinion: 8/10

I will give you more points for this than you deserve -- only because I see potential. Interesting idea, nice approach, just tighten it up a bit!

*Flower1* 34 out of 40.

Thank you for sharing & welcome to round four of *Star*the Flash Quote Contest!*Star*

Remember these are just my suggestions. You can edit until the round closes on Friday! Spread the word if you enjoy this contest! We always need more entrants! Above all, keep writing!

Reviewed by:
IsA: SEEKING UPGRADE - Please!
New Judge for Round #5

"Invalid Item"  [] by A Guest Visitor
   
78
78
Review of In My Mind  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. Thank you very much for stopping by "Invalid Item" . If you have any comments about this review -- or any comments about the forum -- you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

Your opening stanza is powerful and deep. I like how you don't just generalize memories, but talk about them as permanent residents. *Smile*

Additionally, your way with words is crafty and somewhat careful -- it helps with the flow and gives dimensions to your words.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

Nothing to dislike. I liked this poem a lot! Thus, you are receiving a rare 5.0 from me.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

I think it's wonderful that you're returning to writing poetry after such a long time. It's a challenging but yet fulfilling approach to writing in general.

Nicely done.

Again, thank you for the review request. If you would like another review, please revisit my forum by clicking on the link above or the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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79
79
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. Thank you very much for stopping by "Invalid Item" . If you have any comments about this review -- or any comments about the forum -- you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

Your first "stanza" got me singing to myself. *Smile*

I like the way you sort of described the woman (at least I think it's a woman *Wink*) and you gave the listener a sense of who you're talking about.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

You told me what we had was special,
and that what we had was pure and fresh and
then you left,
left me with just the memories i'd kept.
First, i'd should be capitalized.
Secondly, shouldn't i'd be I've, as in present tense?+

Oh i just wanna see your face again.
i should be capitalized. *Smile*
Same here:
Oh i just wanna feel your
(The lack of capitalization of the letter i is a big problem for you. Make sure you watch that as you write.)

and see your smile so cute,
I personally thought that this line didn't fit in with the rest of the song. I think that it's too contemporary for a song like yours.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, I think this is a pretty average song. You repeat yourself and most of what you say is along the same line -- what the person looks like. You may want to work on sort of expanding that idea and bringing into the light a clearer perspective of what this person means to you!

Again, thank you for the review request. If you would like another review, please revisit my forum by clicking on the link above or the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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80
80
Review of Farhenheit  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greets! *Bigsmile*

I appreciate the fact that you found my reviews helpful and have come back for more. I will get to your other pieces that you posted in "Invalid Item"  as soon as I can. Please note that any donations for the reviews would be most helpful, as I am doing my best to maintain my upgrade.

As for this piece, I think you did make some great worthy changes. Your piece has improved a lot - I'm not particularly sure why, as I do have some dislikes still. However, your way with words is wonderful and you have immense potential as a writer (if not ready to be published).

Continue to write. Honestly, I could see this being expanded into a very worthwhile novel. You should consider that, definitely.

Here are some minor comments. If you change them, I would be more than willing to give you a 5.0. *Smile*

Please note that I have chosen to go more in-depth with this review than last time around; if you are surprised at the rating, then please be reminded that I am judging it based on how much it can still be improved. *Smile*

Regarding Aleksander's Journey into the Elven Lands:
I’ve never been particularly sure if this is a good way to start out your story. You may want to consider it making it a chapter, or choosing a different heading. This is a bit dull.

He supposed the Elves thought him just another traveller, come to Asylve to study and enjoy the hostpitality, which, in a way, of course, he was.
traveller change to traveler
hostpitality change to hospitality

Additionally, is there any particular reason that you use only one apostrophe? *Wink* It is a bit curious, though, of course, not rare.

A small dagger that Isa had given to him was fastened to his belt, and it comforted him with its sentiment as much as its protective value.
Interested in telling the reader who Isa is? I was a bit curious the first time around and even more so now.

It seemed that this particular inn had been built in Human-fashion, whether by the Elves or by their Human associates, most likely for the comfort of the Human patrons who come year-round to take from the knowledge of the Elves…
Make sure to maintain the same tense. You write in present, thus come should be came.

It was truly a sight to behold, as the morning sun crept over the trees and illuminated the towering architecture.
You don’t need a comma in this sentence.

The Elves are said to have an elegance through simplicity, and the graceful design inlaid on the pillars and the high wooden doors of the Library was proof of this.
an elegance should be elegance because it cannot be counted, thus the an is unneeded.

The place was a marvel inside, although one of greatness more than beauty; books more than any mortal could possibly count, and some filled with such secrets that no man could comprehend.
You’re missing a verb in the second phrase. Perhaps this would suit you better:
…books more than any mortal could possibly count filled the room, and some filled with such secrets that no man could comprehend.

MAJOR EDITS

Though she seemed very pleased by his manner, at the mention of Malenfere, the Elf, her right name being Arna, seemed to sadden slightly, her gaze dropping as if she were looking through him.
How does he know her name? She does introduce herself later, does she not?

'So you believe the Arms are indeed real?' she pondered. 'I had always heard that they were but a symbolic gesture within the Tyrant's Church.'
Instead of saying I had, it would be more fitting to say I have because the topic seems to be one of the present.

Much of the changes/additions you have made are wonderful. It is much clearer to get through and catch on to what is happening. I congratulate you on a job well done.


A Man, a northernor, from his manner, Aleksander guessed, had rather startlingly grabbed Aleksander's attention, placing his arm across Aleksander's shoulder, but did not look at him.
northernor should be northerner. *Wink*
Make sure to do spell check before posting!

It occurred to him over the course of his study how little was said of the other Six in the writings of his own order, and the legendarium concerning them he found quite interesting.
legendarium is not a word.

Thank you, again, for your consideration of my review. I hope to read more of your work soon.

Write On!
~ Isabella
81
81
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! *Smile*

Interesting haiku that you have here.

Old leaves that cackle, "beware!
I do suggest that you capitalize beware! because it is part of the dialogue. It is only grammatically correct.

Apart from that, it was a thought out approach to a mysterious issue.

~ Isabella
82
82
Review of Haunting Memories  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. Thank you very much for stopping by "Invalid Item" . If you have any comments about this review -- or any comments about the forum -- you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

Thank you for being considerate re: editing the pieces in my forum.

You open up your piece with some level of suspense -- someone is dying. And because so many readers can feel this character, they will read on. Nicely done.

You have good control over characterization and the way your characters speak, act, etc. I didn't have any real problems with the way you presented Maddy, her mom, Dan, etc.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

I felt the wall behind me and slid my back down it until my bottom hit the ground and cried into my hands as memories flooded back into my mind.
This is a really confusing sentence, because you kind of make some redundant statements. First, I as the reader know exactly what's going to happen when your character feels the wall. Having to say that slid my back down until my bottom hit the ground is unneeded. you could just say I felt the wall behind me and slid to the ground. Also, I think that the second phrase, and cried into... could begin not with and but with then.
I felt the wall behind me as I slid to the ground, then cried into my hands as memories flooded back into my mind.

Minutes later my sobs where slowing down again, but my breathing was still coming in sharp gasps.
where -- were

My fault!...”
Choose either (!) or (...). You don't put both together.

He’s not going to be around much more than a mere few hours, or, if he’s lucky, a day.
You can write this sentence correctly in two ways.
He's not going to be ar ound much more than a mere few hours or, if he's lucky a day. (Remove the first comma.)
- or -
He's not going to be around much more than a mere few hours, or if he's lucky, a day. (Remove the second comma.)

If there is anything you need ask one of the nurses.”
This sentence seems a bit harsh, as if the doctor is deserting the woman and the nurses aren't going to be very nice.
If there is anything you need, just ask one of the nurses.

If there is anything you need ask one of the nurses." He said before leaving the room quietly.
Once you change what I have commented on above, make sure to keep the dialogue here correct.
...ask one of the nurses," he said...

The letter from Jason to Maddy is unbelievable because it's just too disorganized. The thoughts aren't really speaking anything important.

She made it complicated, more complicated then it should of been.
Keep your tenses correct, and use the correct form.
She had made it complicated, more complicated than it should have been.

Alexis was my best friend since she moved here in third grade.
Tenses again.
Alexis had been my best friend since moving here in third grade.

It’s just-! So many things are going through my head right now.”
It's just-so many things...

My mom asked with too-familar face of concern.
too-familiar is redundant. You're also missing the word a somewhere.

The nurse only rolled her eyes and went back to the clipboard she was holding which, made me laugh even more, seeing as how it made Dan look like a dork.
You don't need the first comma.

“What are you two laughing about?” My mom asked, returning from the bathroom.
My shouldn't be capitalized.

As for the laughin when Dan comes around, it makes me dislike Maddy. If I were losing a best friend, I would get angry with Dan for trying to be funny; additionally, I wouldn't be eating.

“His heart couldn’t take.
You're missing it.

I fell on all fours when I arrived at my destination. On the beach where Jason and I met and spent most of our time together.
This should be one sentence, because the second part isn't complete.
I fell on all fours when I arrived at my destination, on the beach where Jason and I had met and spent...

I grabbed a handful of sand and squeezed it, hoping that it would relieve all of my stress. It didn’t. My legs gave way and I was face down on the sand.
The word sand is repetitve. You could change and I was face down on the sand to I fell face down. We would know it was on the sand.

Girls I didn’t know where crying in groups, passing tissues to one another.
where should be were.

Hesitating for only a moment, but then slowly made my way towards her.
You're missing the subject.
I hesitated for only a moment, but then...

We weren’t alike in a lot of ways, me and Hallie Raven, but we both loved the boy who was lying in that casket.
me and Hallie Raven should be Hallie Raven and I.

You left a lot of questions unanswered.
- Where are Jason's parents?
- How old are these characters? (I first thought they were adults, but then it turned out they are young.)
- How did Jason die? (He had some problems with his heart, etc. -- but how did it lead up to that?)
- Why was Maddy at the hospital?

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, you have a mediocre piece. The only reason that this is so is because you lack a strong grammatical structure that gives flow to this piece. However, you also leave a ton of holes in this story and it's impossible for me to catch up with your character while there are tons of questions running through my head.

As long as you can teach yourself to gain the general control needed to make this piece good, then you've got yourself a story that can be incredibly, incredibly strong.

Again, thank you for the review request. If you would like another review, please revisit my forum by clicking on the link above or the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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83
83
Review of I've Been Tired  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. Thank you very much for stopping by "Invalid Item" . If you have any comments about this review -- or any comments about the forum -- you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

Your idea, about writing a poem relating to sleep, is an original and creative idea. Nice choice of writing.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

--> Please remember to use the {bitem:} link next time you're trying to post an item in a review forum like mine.

Because you have so many thoughts in this poem, I can honestly seeing punctuation being beneficial for you. It will let the reader take it slow -- and read it carefully -- instead of being confused a bit as to who, what, where, when, and why. *Wink*

Your poem is disorganized in some places as well, just randomly. You lack that critical connection between lines that keeps the reader moving in and out of your images. You probably should work on that.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Interesting idea to write about. Even though I had no direct comments about any direct pieces, I thought that you did a good job with your allusions and rhyming. Just tighten up a bit -- and consider the punctuation.

Again, thank you for the review request. If you would like another review, please revisit my forum by clicking on the link above or the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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84
84
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

WELCOME TO WRITING.COM! *Bigsmile* As promised in the forum, I have come to review you!

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. If you have any comments about this review you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

Please also note that, even though this is a personal moment, I will review your piece like any other in order to help you put it into words correctly -- please take no offense from my comments.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

I think it's very courageous of you to put this event into words. It must have taken a lot of work.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

It was early In the morning when there was a knock on the door, I shot out of bed In a panic.
A few things are wrong within this sentence.
First of all, In shouldn't be capitalized.
Secondly, you have two sentences jumbled into one.
It should be written:
It was early in the morning when there was a knock on the door. I shot out of bed in a panic.

When I answered the door there stood my brother In-law, "moms in the hospital, she fell or something at work."
It's obvious here that you know little about dialogue. Again, there is also the problem with sentence structure.
When I answered the door, there stood my brother in-law. "Mom's in the hospital. She fell or something at work.

I would suggest making paragraph breaks -- dialogue and narrative in the style that you ahve here should not be jumbled together.

While he got ready, I listened to our voice messages, there was three from my mother In-laws employer, and three from my father In-law.
First, why did you not hear the phone ringing while asleep? (It may be obvious, but explain it.)
Secondly, the same problem as above is occuring.
While he got ready, I listened to our voice messages. There were three from my mother in-law's employer, and three from my father in-law.

We rushed to the emergency room, when we arrived my brother In-law was crying as were my father In-law and sister In-law.
Wasn't your brother in-law with you? He did come to the door, so where did he go? Or is this another brother in-law? Make sure to make that clear.
Secondly, why are you making your brother in-law more important than your father in-law and sister in-law? You separate them using as were.
We rushed to the emergency room. When we arrived, my brother in-law, father in-law, and sister in-law were all crying.

I was sure that barbara( my mother In-law ) had died, she had not but she was unresponsive.
Why were you so sure of this? You had just gotten to the hospital! Is there any past medical history, or what? This is very unclear.
Secondly, names are always CAPITALIZED. It is a rule of proper grammar.
You repeat she in the second clause and it is redundant.
I was sure that Barbara, my mother in-law, had died. She had not, we soon found out, but was unresponsive.

We all got ready to leave the hospital was sending her to another hospital, we all arrived at the new hospital In the cardio ICU wing.
WOAH! This is an extremely messy sentence. There is so much disorganized here that it's crazy to get through.
First off, We all got ready to leave and We all got ready to leave the hospital can be one sentence, yet you jumble in that entire second part. It's very messy.
Secondly, the hospital isn't located in the cardio ICU wing, but the other way around. Watch your word order.
We all got ready to leave. The hospital was sending her to another hospital. Soon, we all arrived in the cardio ICU wing at the new hospital.

We waited for the doctors to tell us what happend and If she'd be okay.
If shouldn't be capitalized.

She was taken off the life support machines three days after she was taken to the hospital, she died on a cold snowy november morning with her family by her side.
Two sentences here again. The comma should be a period.

These are questions we all asked our selfs, that we still ask our selfs.
I don't believe selfs is a word. It would probably be ourselves.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

I think that your grammar, punctuation, dialogue, and style need a lot of work. It was honestly extremely hard to get through this piece, especially since you did little to explain what needed to explain. You have to work on the generalities before you can even expect to edit this piece.

Thank you for sharing your work. If you would like another review, please visit my review forum by clicking on the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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85
85
Review of Jupiter  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. If you have any comments about this review you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

--> I have done my best to not review this as a stand-alone piece, as requested. *Bigsmile*

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

I think that the idea of the story you have presented in this prologue is great.

I saw little grammar errors.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

"Still, you've still got As across the board.
Wouldn't As be A's? I'm personally not particularly sure when it comes to that.

However, Chloe Severson, a 20 year old at the local university (and an unassuming beauty), had planned on spending her time studying for an upcoming exam in one of her classes.
20 should be spelled out...twenty.

I felt as if you were intruding as the author. Everything that you mention about Mary and Hugh doesn't have to be in the narrative and listed. I stronly suggest that you incorporate it into thoughts and dialogue as the story moves on. Now, your job is to get the reader interested and I am sort of missing that hook from you.

They arrived in around 6:30 that evening.
They arrived in around 6:30 that evening.

The group of youngsters walked around until finding a suitable pub at which to have a few mugs of ale, stout, or whatever appealed to them at the time.
This can easily be tightened. *Bigsmile* I suggest that you do whatever possible to make it short.
The group of youngsters walked around until finding a suitable pub at which to have a drink.

Again, when describing Chloe's hesitancy to drink, I can see it being far more effective in dialogue and a description of the way she acts. Right now, it is kind of boring.

You seem to interrupt at the funeral, when you talk about how Cate and Hugh have been acting all throughout the funeral. It seems redundant.

She had gone back to her drink when she heard a dull THWACK! accompanied by Mary's shrill scream.
THWACK! is more visually appealing and correct if thwack.

"Yeah, Tim said.
You're missing an apostrophe.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

I can honestly see in my mind this entire prologue being a part of later chapters. I strongly suggest than any prologue you write starts in the middle of action in which the author can get caught up. You are strongly lacking that here. Very little of this affected my rating decision. If I get a chance to R&R&R later chapters, I will review this commentary.

Thank you for sharing your work. If you would like another review, please visit my review forum by clicking on the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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86
86
Review of Farhenheit  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. Thank you very much for stopping by "Invalid Item" . If you have any comments about this review -- or any comments about the forum -- you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

You're a fabulous storyteller. You just have to work on how your story comes across and whether or not the reader actually can tell what's going on.

I like the way that you jump from the present into the past (some time earlier) and you properly introduce the importance your character has.

The Elf's words are much more believable than Aleksander's. I enjoyed her words and foreshadowing far better.

Your ending was pretty suspensful. You have a general idea of what you're doing there. *Bigsmile*

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

Your opening paragraph doesn't really work, I thought. You didn't really have a hook and you sort of made it seem as if the reader should understand the place you talk about.

'THIEF!'
It shouldn't be capitalized but, rather, in italics.

But the clattering of the pursuing footsteps was fading from the assailants ears, and a quick turn...
assailants is missing an apostrophe
assailant's

Sputtering and outraged, the thief hastily made his second mistake of the night as he swung wildly at this would-be hero, but the blow was caught outright, strong fingers clenching around his fist.
would-be hero -- it seems to me as if you're intruding into the story and making your own claims about who the characters should and should not be; by expanding this part of your piece the reader should be able to figure out what you're trying to say.

You're telling the story quickly and you make your changes abruptly. It breaks the flow.

Hunched over at a long table, Aleksander was yet again perusing an ancient parchment, yellowed and smudged from his fingerprints and ages of existence.
You probably should somehow mention this parchment and give meaning to it. It comes out of nowhere.

This was Halknid Redcrest III, and he smirked upon meeting Aleksander's gaze.
You're breaking the flow again by interrupting with your own claims.

'You are the one who lent a hand in catching that old thief earlier this evening if I'm not mistaken.'
'You are the one who lent a hand in catching that old theif earlier this evening, if I'm not mistaken.'

Sizing up this new development, Aleksander nodded his head warily and gave a dissaproving 'yes.'
...and gave a disapproving yes.
- or -
...and muttered disaprovingly, 'Yes.'

Whenever two characters are interacting with dialogue, you should space what they say on different lines. It's impossible to read if you jam everything together into one paragraph! *Smile*

Most of your dialogue is unbelievable. You seem to have to force cerain pieces of information into your speeches and it seems unneeded...

Mile-long thoughts raced through Aleksander's mind.
Mile-long is really unneeded.

Now into the Elven Lands
The Eleven Lands sounds better.

Walking across the room, he laid his hand on the clasp of the heavy wardrobe, and something fell out of his bundle. Sighing, he opened the doors of the wardrobe and placed his belongings inside.
wardrobe is repeated within the two sentences; it sounds redundant.
(This happens more than once.)

It seemed that this particular inn was made in Human-fashion, whether by the Elves or by their Human associates...
was made would more properly be had been built

I strongly recommend that you clarify the conflict between the different groups that you have in your story. For me as a reader, it's hard to get through everything without having questions running through my head that aren't exactly clarified. I also urge you to clarify things at the right moment; instead of listing the history at the beginning, tie it in to places where the reader absolutely must know more.

Now Aleksander stopped abruptly, visibly shaken, his eyes wide, and it seemed to him that there were voices, an eerie lament in the ancient tongues of Elves coming from nowhere, as if from the void itself.
visibly shaken: you're intruding again! Instead of stating, add a bit more description.

Just a note: you seem to intrude as the author into almost everything. Your descriptions seem to come from your point of view and you have no "information" to back them up. I strongly recommend that you read this piece and decide which parts actually speak to the reader fluently, through Aleksander's eyes, and what parts are your thoughts that you decided to throw in. It's what it seems like. *Smile*

You list many different types of feelings that Aleksander has, yet you never justify the reaosns he has those feelings. For example, why was Aleksander nervous when the maiden Elf came up to him?

You must explain the manners of the people before you expect the reader to actually understand why the conversation between Aleksander and the man took place. Why does he not know the mannerism and why does he have to go off and study it?

Needless to say this left Aleksander with a clear subject of interest with which to begin his study that night.
There should be a comma (,) after say.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Interesting type of story; it reminds me of The Lord of the Rings because of its mysterious type of flow. You should work on tightening things up and explaining to the reader what needs to be explained. Do note that not every piece of history has to be explained - only what is critical to the story itself.

Again, thank you for the review request. If you would like another review, please revisit my forum by clicking on the link above or the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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87
87
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. Thank you very much for stopping by "Invalid Item" . If you have any comments about this review -- or any comments about the forum -- you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

Failure has never been an
option for me.
This is a great opening and wonderful demonstration of your strength. *Smile*

You manage to get your strenght and desire to be stronger across very nicely. Your attitude is there.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

I'm having a large problem with your flow. *Smile* You should work on organizing your lines and your flow. I was kind of thinking that this whole idea of a piece would be so much better in prose, because it seemed that you're just putting prose into a poetry format. It would be easier to read.

Oh no it wasn’t easy!
Oh, no, it wasn't...

Generally, poetry seems to be lyrical and poetic. Again, that didn't come across for me.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

The visual look of the poem is nicely done. I just had, for hte final time, huge issues with the flow. I wanted to read it like prose! Just work a bit on tightening that up and you'll be fine.

Again, thank you for the review request. If you would like another review, please revisit my forum by clicking on the link above or the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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88
88
Review of One: Brother  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. Thank you very much for stopping by "Invalid Item" . If you have any comments about this review -- or any comments about the forum -- you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

The first few sentences of your piece were wonderful! It caught my attention. Things were running smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. (See first comment under the Dislikes.)

I've recently read a few stories where the character is put into a situation that is very unbelievable. Here, as you describe the nightmares that the Knight is having, I am caught up in the story and I believe it completely. Nicely done.

You have very little grammatical errors. I had few problems with your story.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

To one who had lived in the city, it would have been apparent that this young man was a warrior and one in the service of the Church's military that also operated as the city's police force.
...that also operated as... kind of stops the reader from your flow. I would suggest rewording a few things.
...one in the service of the Church's military, also the city's police force.

There were other forces at work her, however - other factors that dug into Ragnas's mind...
her should be here. (This won't play part in my rating.)

'Who are you?!' repeated Brother.
I don't suggest using two forms of punctuation. Instead, rewrite.
'Who are you?' Brother yelled, repeating his original question.

For me, you lacked one critical thing: a lack of connection with your characters. In this type of story, it seems critical for the reader to understand your character and what they are feeling. I suggest choosing your main character and adding thoughts.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

My forum has nothing against swords and sorcery, so you musn't really worry about requesting a review for items like yours. *Bigsmile*

Your work of fantasy is remarkable and, with some general work, I can see this being a book on a bookshelf. *Wink* Nicely done!!!

Again, thank you for the review request. If you would like another review, please revisit my forum by clicking on the link above or the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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89
89
Review of Alice  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. Thank you very much for stopping by "Invalid Item" . If you have any comments about this review -- or any comments about the forum -- you are welcome to email me.

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

I loved your opening stanza. Very clear intentions; it gives the reader an idea about what is going on and I have a great hope for the poem. *Smile*

I like the choice of characters for your "play".

Apart from your first stanza, the rest of the poem flowed well.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

That so he thinks.
But thoughts just words,
Whole life mere ink.
It was hard for me to get through here. Your meaning wasn't completely clear. It might be beneficial for you to tighten certain things up.'

At some points, your use of language as well as the thoughts made it almost a requirement for me to go back and think things over. I think that in this type of poem that could be either good or bad - depending on the reader.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Interesting choice of language, style, and format. It was a fun read. *Bigsmile*

Again, thank you for the review request. If you would like another review, please revisit my forum by clicking on the link above or the logo below.

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool* Isabella

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90
90
Review of Sugar of Lead  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Smile*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. If your item is not from "Invalid Item" , then please consider posting an item for review there!

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in.

*Note1* Likes *Note1*

You wrapped my hair around a finger, once
I really like this line. It flows incredibly with the stanza.

You have wonderful imagery, from the tanned body and the white towel to the chocolate cake. It helps the reader catch onto what you're trying to bring across.

Furthermore, the tone of your poem is very clear. I can tell what you're trying to say by your word choice, thus making the poem tryly belieavle -- in most places. *Wink*

*Note2* Dislikes *Note2*

You wrapped my hair around a finger, once
You're missing a period (.) at the end of the sentence.

and suspicious offers of tomorrow-days.
It's slightly hard to decipher what you're saying about the days...Maybe it's just me...Try making your idea come across more clearly. *Smile*

I'm a bit confused. Sometimes you use punctuation, other times you don't.
Sometimes you capitalize all of the first lines, other times you don't.
Keep consistent. It's hard not to notice.

I can't guess the valley's you've seen--
The valleys don't own anything in this sentence. Thus, valley's should be valleys.

*Note3* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note3*

I was curious after seeing your description of the poem, and once I read your poem I was happy with the result of what you brought across. Try concentrating both on punctuational/technical and figurative consistency as you write. You should tighten a few parts of your poem up!

Thanks for sharing. May your Muse be with you!

Please return to my forum anytime.


Best,
- Aspiring
91
91
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Smile*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. If your item is not from "Invalid Item" , then please consider posting an item for review there!

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in.

*Note1* Likes *Note1*

--> Your description is very intense and easy to follow.

--> Your characters are belieable, have their own personality "ticks", and add something necessary to the story.

After Ailana latched onto the broad frame of Michael and cried on his shoulder Ailana spoke softly, “My vision has begun, and there may be no way of stopping it.”
--> We know something is going happen. Nicely done.

*Note2* Dislikes *Note2*

All things kept in balance under the watchful eye of the Creator.
--> You're missing a word, I think; should be:
All things are kept in balance...

They are the stuff of legends…
--> Is stuff the right word?

Gisei, Sukuu, Ai… words of a foreign tongue to you they may be but they are the key to those who wish to change the fate of the world.
--> Okay, this sentence doesn't flow very well; it should be:
Gisei, Sukuu, Ai...All words of a foreign tongue; to you, they may be. But they are they key to...


His voice warm, yet cold as he spoke from the golden book in front of him,...
--> You're missing a word.
His voice was warm,...
I understand that it does work slightly without 'was', but the flow is broken without it.

He paused as he gazed across the congregation rapt with attention at every word, “The Book of Revelation, chapter 22 verses six through ten… who here cares to note the importance of these words of prophecy?”
--> Again, you should capitalize the word (who) that comes after the "...".

“The Tide may be predicted but the specifics are not…”
--> Here it's hard to tell whether or not the speaker is going off into thought, or if he is being interrupted. Make that clearer by adding some pronouns and verbs. Same here:
“Revelation goes into pretty good detail…”

“The Holy Mother gave us all free will…” Ailana countered but was cut off.
--> Here, if she is being cut off, you should write:
"The Holy Mother gave us all free will -"...
It signifies abruption.

--> As I'm reading, I have a hard time believing that your angels would be so rude to the Holy Mother. It'd be best if you could add at least a hint of some kind of hard-core roughing between the members.

*Note3* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note3*

I was first very surprised with the topic of your piece. Please do note that this piece will gather a lot of controversy if ever published. It is also a reason for you to be aware - not many will be willing to let such a piece into the market.

However, the general conflict is independent of other stories and things flow smoothly, apart from a few common grammer errors that many writers make.

Thanks for sharing. You are welcome to return to my review forum for another rating and review.

May your Muse be with you!
Best,
- Aspiring
92
92
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, fellow writer! *Smile*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your piece today. If your item is not from "Invalid Item" , then please consider posting an item for review there!

Any suggestion given is my opinion only. Change what you believe in only.

*Note1* Likes *Note1*

--> You give the reader a new POV on situations such as these.

--> Love, it wasn't fair.
I like this sentence a lot. It's easy to connect with it.

--> Lynn is a very strong character. I realize that whule I read, unfortunately, you don't expand on her thoughts and you give the reader a hard time getting exactly what's going on.

*Note2* Dislikes *Note2*

She stared at him long and hard as he dug his face into his pillow, and didn’t let go of her hand.
--> The comma between pillow and and shouldn't be there.

Lynn breathed lightly afraid that she’d wake him while she took in how good it felt to have him hold her.
--> It's hard to get through this sentence because you have so many things to say. I suggest writing it like this:
Lynn breathed lightly, afraid that she'd wake him. She took in how good it felt, just to have him hold her.

Sitting down minutes later with a fresh cup of coffee in her hand overlooking the city streets she spotted a young couple holding hands.
--> Your flow is broken in so many different spots, such as these. This is the las ttime I'll bring the lack of flow up, but you should re-read your piece and try getting it working. Rewrite this:
Sitting down minutes later with a fresh cup of coffee in her hand, she looked out at the city streets. Her gaze paused on a young couple holding hands.


And found herself making little gestures like brushing away his hair, holding his hand, simple things she knew wasn’t right.
--> Incorrect grammar usage; it should be:
...his hand, simple things she knew weren't right.

Lynn admitted to herself a while ago that she took advantage of their weekly nights together.
--> You're missing a word.
Lynn had admitted...

...before leaning over and capturing his lips with her’s.
--> Incorrect grammar; it should be:
...his lips with hers.
Even though it seems to be right, her's is incorrect.

Lynn loved and lived for these moments it felt like.
--> Doesn't make any sense. Perhaps this would work:
It felt like Lynn loved and lived...

"Done?” he questioned, rubbing his eyes, “With what? ” he said as he began to take off his covers.
--> Incorrect grammar; it should be:
"Done?" he questioned, rubbing his eyes. "With what?" Jason began taking off his covers.
- or -
"Done?" Jason rubbed his eyes. "With what?" he said as he began to take off his covers.
You shouldn't have two different types of verbs in one questioning sentence.

Lynn shook her head disbelievingly, “THIS!” she shouted gesturing to him and then her and then to his bed. “US! You-...
--> First of all, capital letters shall never be printed in a novel.
--> Secondly, the word disbelievingly would flow better if changed to in disbelief.
--> Thirdly, if you're going to say something, say it in an individual sentence.
Should flow like this:
Lynn shook her head in disbelief. "This!" she shouted, gesturing to him and then her and then to his bed. "Us! You-...

She shook her head disbelievingly as she crossed the room to retrieve her jeans.
--> Repetition of the word disbelievingly occurs too soon.

“I got to leave,” she murmured, wiping her tears from her face before walking out of the bedroom.
--> Incorrect grammar; should be:
"I have to leave,"...

Lynn turned around, her eyes burning from crying, “Open the door, Jason.” she told him.
--> Same things, again; it should be:
Lynn turned around, her eyes burning from crying. "Open the door, Jason," she told him.

*Note3* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note3*
There are way too many grammar errors. It's so hard to read this piece, knowing that there should be commas in so many different places. I really enjoyed the idea of the story and I want to know what happens to Lynn, but you make it really hard to connect with her and Jason when things are just messed up grammatically. If you correct the errors, it will be far better.

Thanks for sharing. You are welcome to return to the forum for another rating and review.

May your Muse be with you!
Best,
- Aspiring
93
93
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Greetings! *Smile*

I found your review request on the "Invalid Item"  In&Out. Please remember that any offered comments are my opinion and only you can make the final decisions!

*Check2*Technicalities/Dislikes*Check2*


--> Something I disliked from the beginning was that you jumped halfway into the conflict: Robin is gone. I think you should either jump in with the conflict later, or explain everything immediately. It offers sort of a negative type of suspense.

--> ...to the large bedroom where her daughters were undoubtedly already awake...yet ready to feign sleep as soon as she opened the door.
* first set of ... is mine
* second set of ... should not be there; I think it looks unprofessional (perhaps a - or , would be better)

--> “Mo-om. It’s way early. We need just five more minutes and then we’ll get up. Promise!”
* Way too much dialogue for someone who is supposed to be sleepy.

--> Sarah gets really angry with the girls almost immediately. It makes me dislike her.

--> You tell the reader way too much, and there isn't enough showing.
* I think your descriptions of the outfits for the first day could be expanded. What exactly are the girls wearing that make them look alike?
* The telling is repeated through the whole piece.

--> You should explain what happens to Robin in full detail before the note comes. It's so confusing and I'm ready to drop the piece.

*Check4* Likes *Check4*


--> I love the choice of name for Robin. It seems to fit the "missing girl" stereotype very well.

--> I like the fact that you include some sort of grieving periods for Sarah in the piece, though they could be expanded.

--> I like Sarah and how you've portrayed her as a busy mother, but it seems a bit too quick (her decision to make pancakes on the first day of school). I think you could explain things a bit more.

Otherwise, it was a pleasure to read The Mommy Letters. There's enough suspense for me to try the second chapter.

May your muse be with you. If you have anything additional you'd like me to review, please post it in my review forum:

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1266709 by Not Available.


Thanks for sharing.
- Aspiring
94
94
Review of Who Invited YOU?  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there. It's an adorable piece of poetry that you have here, but there are some general things you could fix. *Smile*

My first moments as MRS
--> My first moment as Mrs.
I don't think you should capitalize. Italics, or bold perhaps, gives more force and looks better for the eyes.

When THIS tradition was through
--> Same as above.

I saw YOU were here
--> Same as above.

Is Who Invited YOU?!!!
--> Same as above.
--> Also, I think you should only have the question mark. No exclamation!

Cute. *Smile* I think the idea is great.
Keep writing!
- Aspiring
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