This is such a disturbing piece of writing. It's the kind of story of the sick guy who kills his girlfriend - or maybe she's in a coma - and lies, even to himself, repeating that she's stll alive.
Now, we've seen this kind of stuff more than once: books, movies, newspapers; it also reminds me of that Eminem song, not my favorite, I'm afraid.
Still, it's quite a good exercise, imagining what goes on in the mind of such a sick person.
I have tried hard not to give this poem a perfect rating, but it seems that I have failed. LOL.
The flow carries me so easily that I had to read it again and again to be able to analyze it.
The whole world that comes to life with this poem's imagery; the water, the currents, the stones, the beach fits the natural flow beautifully.
And the message conveyed by the extended metaphor finds its place in the reader's mind, just like your invitation that ends the poem: "maybe, then, you'll risk
finding your place
in the world;
or else,
you’ll stay home
inside yourself
and a stone will still wear
your shadow."
Some lines are also really striking, in my opinion: "your fingers with
sea-wrinkled skin
have gathered some
wrong stones.“ (very effective imagery)
and "Silence, a sentinel,
guarding your insides"
I am afraid I have nothing to suggest that could improve this piece of poetry.
This piece really has an original rhythm and a very personal and unique flow. The punctuation is also important in creating this effect.
I like the period in: "I have experienced.
tasted the bitter blade
and the white-hot heat of
unhealed and unforgiven pasts"
I particularly like the expression "shallow wallowings", both for its meaning and alliterations.
Maybe the end seems just a little rushed, although very nicely worded.
I am so moved by the short item that is a tribute to her mother and her beautiful voice. Singing with all her being, with all her soul. I love the image.
A few things to correct:
"from with in" -> "within"
" A small child, who grow up at a time. When" -> "grew up" and you don't ned the period.
I would truly encourage you to write more about her. She must be an inspiration to you and I'm sure you could put together a longer item, a short story or a biography that would be very interesting. Just my personal opinion.
This is indeed a look at death from a different side than usual. It is the positive side, the one that speaks of a journey, of coming to terms with the idea of a big change.
I don't think I share the same religious explanation, but that doesn't really matter. Your message is open-minded enough to be shared by many readers who have faith in life and transcendence. I believe in transformation and think that life is some kind of rehearsal that teaches how accept and evolve.
Nice idea for a layout, with the two colors fitting the rhythm of your poem.
I think that this is a good piece of writing to remember the specific feelings of a given moment in your life.
I like the wording, most of the time the vocabulary you used is personal and evocative:
"As I stared into the cloudless void,
that was too cruel even for despair,
my head buzzed and there was no reason."
beautiful description.
I also like:
"those rare rainbow moments.".
I think that this could even be improved by re-organizing some thoughts, especially the whole fourth stanza. Thre seems to be a missing connexion here, betwen the first and the second half. I hope you don't mind my opinion.
I always find it difficult to judge lyrics as I tend to think that their effectiveness is so much linked to the music. I always see a song as a whole, but that's probably because I'm not accustomed to judging lyrics.
My opinion is that this is well written, the feelings and passion are clearly expressed.
It's always difficult to write something "new" about love, especially in a typical love song. There are a few clichés in this song, such as:
- "And If I promised you the stars
It would never be enough,"
- "I've never wanted someone more than you."
Despite these common phrases, what I like is the structure, ending with the questions you ask yourself and the one you love.
This is a deep reflection on the process of writnig, on what it means to you. It's interesting and every writer will relate with at least part of it.
I think that the style could be improved: the layout cans be changes, as this is clearly introspective prose. Very rational, no imagery.
There are far too many repetitions in the first part that do n ot add to the item: "writing", "write", "thought"...
Some words are repeated simply too often.
Yet your writing is always good and your content deep and personal.
A difficult subject that you decided to interpret in a very personal way.
Beginning the first line of each stanza with the word "beautiful".
Through the progression - though a little too quick in this poem - the reader sees the young girls transformation.
Little is left of her initial beauty in the end.
I think this is a good attempt, although maybe the last lines draws the attention on "her mistakes" only, as if she were alone in the world. I think that anorexia has an important social dimension that should not be neglected.
"She's beautiful-
she tells the mirror,"
I am not sure I understand: does she tell her mirror or is it what her mirror is reflecting?
A very intriguing piece, a tribute pervaded by a certain sadness, I would even say that it is a nostalgic piece.
Interesting sentences in italics. I don't know if their quotations or if they are in italics to break the rhythm and make the author reflect upon more philosophical aspects. But the effect is very appropriate.
Your observations and descriptions are what make this interesting and personal, although a little long sometimes.
- Suggestions: "As you romance your solitude you begin to understand that as life passes you by the trail it leaves will create a skid mark that can echo to the deepest nadir of your soul."
This is easier to read and understand with a comma after "passes you by".
"The place seems in solitude as the space provides a haunting melodrama that you can only sense in funeral parlors and the lights were a little dimmer than usual"
Tenses are unclear here... and the following line is useless, as explanations come further on.
"It was never deserted, this place, you reckoned. "
I have really enjoyed reading this descriptive, yet emotional piece. You described it as "opinion", but I think that emotions are there too.
This is quite a recent poll, but it could have attracted more readers.
I think that if you explained a little more, or maybe gave short definitions of each martial art for those who don't know the differences, it could be an educational item at the same time.
More readers would then try to answer this poll, even if their choice was simply "never taken".
I read this item expecting a dark piece, but something more mysterious, less bloody.
The whole item is quite well written, although I can hardly understand that this character, still in a state of shock after having committed a brutal murder, burying his victim and ready to commit suicide, should be the one who says
"I can only begin to explain."
I think that such considerations by the murderer himself should be re-organized in your story.
I have to say that I barely understand the fascination with such morbid subjects, but that's my personal opinion.
Anyway, I don't think you will get away with a thirteen + for a piece that is all about murder, insanity and suicide. I'd firmly advise an 18+ here.
This poem is a good surprise. It has a style of its own, which is a good quality already.
You made it easy to imagine a character who is trapped in his/her own solitude. The life and mind of this person seem to be made of bits and pieces. The form of your poem leads the reader to the same kind of conclusion.
Fascinating behavior, I always thought animals all have different characters. Whenever I observe pets, I notice different reactions and habits, not necessarily linked to the species. I've seen this with cats, birds, rabbits...
I would really add "children's" as a third genre here. Even if it was not originally meant for children, I really think they'd enjoy it. Especially the intelligence AND disobedience.
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I am the guest judge this week.
An interesting structure for this particular poem that imparts a specific rhythm, due to the pause at the end (comma) followed by a rhyme.
You get your message across and I can easily see what you want to depict here: the artificial lights and desires of a big city taht are spreading everywhere. Consumerism under the form of advertising creating empty needs.
The end seems very strong. I share the criticism, but in an intellectual way. Are we really the zombies? Or is the joke being played on us?
I think that awareness is a great step, but self-disgust doesn't take us much furhter. Just my opinion.
I also think that the subject and point of view are personal and interesting.
I'm finally discovering your port!
It seems to me that you need to have fun when you're writing. There is the "mystery" side to this piece of writing, but I can also see a sense of humor that enjoys playing with the absurd. Am I wrong?
You coul add "children's" as a genre, as I think that this would puzzle and amuse kids too.
This is a unique poem that I have enjoyed from beginning to end.
It deserves a five-star rating, in my opinion.
* The originality of the subject, location and particular event,
* the metaphysical aspect,
* the creation of beauty from the tragic transformation of a human body.
These are the main aspects of your piece of writing that I find outstanding.
Originally, I was drawn to the title because of a poem I wrote:
"Invalid Item" . It was partly inspired by the phenomenon of SHC.
The last stanza has the most vivid and strong imagery, daring and wonderful.
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I am the guest judge this week.
Oh, no! Another love poem!
You have succeeded in writing a poem that looks at the feeling from different angles and gives many different definitions.
This means you dig further than most love poems on the site.
Although "love is a chemistry" is a typical cliché on the subject,
you also wrote more interesting and nicely worded lines:
"Love is the strength that you feel you possess
but it makes you weak in the knees...
It is giving away the best you had...
yourself...and more often than not, it's for free..."{/c)
This is full of wisdom. I would definitely remove the (...) as they mean that something is missing. Many people have a tendency to use them too often.
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I am the guest judge this week.
This is definitely funny and writing something fun is not as easy as it might seem.
I like all the word combinations and original descriptions you found to write about
"Snow White
Shacking up with seven guys"
Lovely description in:
" And you should see the size of these guys!
One looked so sleepy in the eyes.
Another seemed to have a serious allergic reaction
And his constant sneezing caused such a distraction."
The sense of humor reminded me of Shreck; demystifying the perfect fairy tale.
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I am the guest judge this week.
Already the title and shape of your poem form an abstract image in the reader's mind that is confirmed by the poem itself.
I really appreciated its warm intimate athmosphere and its questioning.
This is really a well-crafted poem.
The only line I did not really "understand" is: "Here I am, stand me now sitting"
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I am the guest judge this week.
The musical journey captures the reader in this poem. Its construction and wording are outstanding because everything seems to fall into the right place. It's just like the complexity of an orchestra, the work and the precision that are required. The multiplicity that has to become one.
It's hard to pick out just one favorite stanza, but I particularly like the way this one sounds when read out loud:
"The note undeterred by the premature call
Seizes a cello and bellows to all
The note a savage belligerent beast
Starving for instruments on which to feast"
This is, of course, very romantic and sincere. Two lovely qualities for this item.
If you could get rid of a few clichés and make it more personal and unique, it would be even better. Some examples:
"I look into your eyes on this day and see eternity."
"I love you more with each passing day
than every day before."
These are very common phrases that you might want to turn into your own, changing a few words.
The flow is nice. I only have one suggestion for the last stanza so that it fits in with the rest:
"I never thought I’d love someone as much
As I love you.
Now my heart longs for the day when I can say
"I do"."
I'd write:
"I never thought I’d love someone
As much as I love you.
My heart longs for the day, when I can say "I do".
So that the poem's rhythm is not lost in the end.
I hope you don't mind my suggestions, they are just my opinion.
Best regards,
Axilea
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