This is an original poem for a high school student.
Although one can recognize the typical topics and vision of a teenager who suddenly sees the safety and protection of his/her childhood as a narrow space, a prison.
The fish in the tank is precisely this kind of image and I do think that it was well thought out.
I especially like the description of birth:
"She squeezed her hands and clenched her butt
And out came the baby me.
To everyone’s surprise before their eyes,
I was a baby fish they see."
- Although "I was a baby fish they see" is not really correct (grammatically), I suppose one can consider it as a poetic license.
There is also "I ate god food" which I suppose should be "good food".
A nicely concise poem with a good extended metaphor.
It is not so easy to reflect upon one's own behavior and be ready for criticism. Especially when one is criticizing his/her own behavior "publicly".
There are many lessons that life can teach us, but not all of us are receptive and ready to question their choices. Not everyone's ready for a big change.
This is a great autobiographical piece in which you have the honesty and intelligence to criticize your arrogance. This story from your past shows your integrity and tells the reader to watch out for this kind of mistake.
The only thing I would change is the use of (...). This type of punctuation indicates that something is missing or at least suggests hesitation. I wouldn't use it a&s often as you have in this item, but this is just my opinion.
Overall, a very interesting an thought-provoking item.
Very sweet way of making a little journey into the past.
The language you chose for this poem gives it a fairly old-fashioned feel. It suits the content, just like the dress you are telling us about. ("lass", "espy"...)
The lightness you mention is certainly easy to feel:
"Some wondrous mem'ries I recall
Of times so free and light,
When I espy a teenage lass
In a frock of snowy white."
You call your husband a "poor winner"... but it seems like he's a lousy looser too.
I had an ex-boyfriend like that. I noticed that this is a much more common behavior than what one might think. And it's usually men who hate to lose, taking games too seriously, especially when playing against... a woman! How shameful it would be for them to lose! Fortunately there are those who reached a certain maturity.
This is quite nicely written, with a quick beginning that provides the reader with an effective picture to begin with.
This is a very pleasant piece of prose poetry. It is well crafted and speaks of simple, common feelings that make a moment... special and unique. It sounds like a contradiction, but it's part of life.
I would only suggest you to use (...) when you feel that it is really needed, when it adds to the meaning of something missing, something untold.
I have to say that this lovely piece of writing has a surprising title. And the content made of love and admiration is very different from what the item description tells:
" A female and the senses they invoke. This is how it feels to catch a faint scent..."
You make her sound so unique and then describe her as a female? That sounds somewhat inappropriate to me.
The idea is original and there is a certain rawness in the way the story is told. The bird that's caught in a train. A prisoner who symbolizes all of us; although it can fly away at the next stop.
It feels like you are questioning our freedom. I like the way you refer, to the bird as "the lucky bastard". It suits the style and register.
Some lines, however, could be improved and don't really make sense, at least grammatically:
"Caught
The free bird caught
In a cage that surrounded
I suppose so were we"
"So were we" seems to refer to surrounded... by what?... but I guess it refers to "caught".
Maybe the descriptions could be more precise. "sitting" is repeated and I cannot imagine the bird "sitting" in a train. But the overall atmosphere and story are interesting.
Ok, when I clicked on your entry for the contest I wasn't expecting a poem on a crocodile. And even after reading the title, I was surprised. But I like surprises.
You obviously had fun writing this one. It's fun, children would love it too and actually to me, it really looks like this item could be lyrics for a song.
Some vivid descriptions:
"Though he is a stately figure with his royal stare,
And though he can move lightning fast and snap with jaws so wide;
And still he is the King of Beasts and Ruler of the Marsh (...)"
although... "pearly teeth" sounds too beautiful, clean and rounded for a crocodile's frightening fangs, don't you think?
I was intrigued and took this poll; it's an interesting question, but... when I saw the options I thought:
- how can one meet the "man /woman of their dreams" when they are 0 years old?
- do people who are between 45 and 105 form a particular and unique age group?
The extremes don't sound very realistic to me.
I would definitely separate those "who've known each other since childhood" and those who met later - 18 to 25? - and, or the last group, I would choose 65+, when children have grown up and most people have retired.
I reviewed another poem from your port some time ago and you asked to have a look at this one that wasn't "well received".
I think that there may be two different reasons for this.
The first one is the content. It is controversial since you claim that young people should not be sent to a poor country to die for the sole purpose of making a few rich people even richer.
I can only agree on this type of content. Perfect people do not exist, but we could at least try to do our best instead of settling for the worst.
The second reason is the form and vocabulary. While the ideas expressed are right simply because they are your honest opinions, the form and wording need some re-editing.
In my opinion, "guarantees and warrantees" (do you mean warranties here?) is not a phrase that expresses anything particular. May be writing that "there are no guarantees" or that "nothing should be taken for granted" is closer to what you want to convey.
Also, the word "trust" and "trusting" are used too often. Can you find synonyms or concrete examples to replace the word?
My main suggestion would be to make this poem shorter.
This is a message that needs to be more concentrated and have a stronger impact. Shorter lines would work better. Have you tried re-writing the whole item, eliminating repetitions and longer sentences?
(just an example of what is too long and could be said in fewer and more concrete terms):
"Do you sit, smile kindly, and shake your head?
Sorry, no warrantees no guarantees.
How am I supposed to trust anyway?"
The subject here does not allow you to be lyrical. It does not require too many explanations. Simply more coherence and striking images that will help the reader visualize your message.
These are simply my opinions. If you change anything or re-write this poem, just let me know and I will be happy to go through it once again.
You don't express very much through words, although the essential message is there.
The rhythm of this poem is what helps the reader in his/her search for meaning.
My suggestion would have been to add more specific words t
hat speak to the senses of the reader and help him/her imagine, visualize the kind of life you are writing about.
"I read,
alone
I write,
alone
I live,
alone"
I think that these are very general verbs. But what does reading - writing - living alone mean to the author?
If there is something missing, it's all in this question.
But since this is the revised version, I certainly don't want to impose anything on the author!
Although... re-editing is part of an author's daily life...
It is so interesting to see the different poems written on the subject of domestic violence. Each poem is written from a perspective that shows the more physical or psychological aspect. Sometimes focusing on what "really" happens, sometimes looking for a way to escape the body, the pain.
This poem left me wondering... I felt that some descriptions were given "from the outside". I could not feel the person behind the violence:
"She wishes the stinging path that the leather carved on her body, would stop.
But leather knows no mercy"
I wondered why - although I do think this is a well-written piece - it felt like the responsibility was never actually mentioned. Who is beating the woman?
He does not appear as being responsible. For a woman to go beyond the pain and the shame, it has to be clear that she is not responsible of such violence. The one who repeatedly commits the crime needs to be identified.
These are thoughts that crossed my mind while reading and re-reading your poem. I hope you don't mind them.
I really like the strength contained in this line in the final stanza:
"She wishes she had held his hand in her iron grip"
Where "he" is at least mentioned as a "hand".
Learning to say no to what is unacceptable brutality.
I think that the five-star rating is totally deserved for this poem. It shows your courage and the strength needed to live with the condition, it has a very interesting content with an educational introduction that is really useful and it is beautifully thought out and worded.
I think that it's important to speak up and tell everyone about chronic illnesses, especially when more or less invisible... Many people simply ignore them and some still think that "it's all in the head"...
I suffer from fibromyalgia, although I have to say that I have been feeling much better lately.
I like how you have used the roller coaster image to explain the condition, keeping the metaphor throughout the poem and weaving it into the very structure of your work.
There are many great lines:
"Dystrophy
dash it all to hell
the chugging chain begins
back at the wretched drop point
I quite like the personal voice in this poem, there is a more tragic side mixed with a certain sense of humor.
I think that it would be really better if you could correct the typos and other misspelled words. It is sometimes quite confusing.
"You can’t say its love
You can’t say its hate"
Although the most obvious interpretation is that you meant "it's love" and "it's hate", it does look like you're speaking of "its" love and hate, and the reader wonders "whose love and hate" this is about.
I would also advise using "You are born" for the second line. But that's a personal opinion.
"You can’t hide from pain
So you wrap up in it
And it keeps you warm
And it keeps out life’s storm
And you can rest so you do"
Here, I really like the imagery and can relate to a certain emotion, but the style is a little heavy with all the repetitions of "and". Also, the last line definitely needs a comma after "rest".
The last two lines are very strong and meaningful.
I hope you'll do some re-editing and fix the spelling too, the poem is actually quite good.
I am planning to have a place in my port where I can display the works of some of my favorite authors, give links, explain what I love...
I am still thinking, haven't found the form that suits me best. I'm learning.
This is why I looked at this item you created in your port. I think that it always comes from the pleasure to share, and I know you cannot conceive being on this site without generosity.
The only thing I can suggest is to leave some space, let it breathe...the layout of this page is a little challenging to the readers' eyes.
This is a very interesting poem that begins with the idea of a color. I was wondering if this was going to be descriptive of "things" in nature and around us.
Fortunately, there is much more and you successfully matched the color with not only what we see, but with feelings, emotions, all of our sense and physical experience in general.
"Voices of passion,
Tempers which need to ration.
The cry of pain,
A pigment in the candy you scream to gain.
Whistling with heat,
The drink you wait to meet.
All you hear is red, red, red."
Very lovely stanza, one of my favorite parts.
I think that the last two are a little more wordy. They are still good, but could be more effective.
Your repetitions at the end of a stanza of "red, red, red" are a nice way of insisting with enthusiasm.
But in:
"I hope you realize just how red you are,
It’s in love, hate and anger, the beating of your heart.
The colour of red exists in you and me"
and some other lines, I would avoid too many repetitions to preserve the enthusiastic effect that I mentioned. I feel that "this color" would be enough here.
You have found just the right intriguing bilingual title and a mysterious item description. That's good to grab the readers' attention.
The idea of the note with a riddle and the little girl (I won't say more to let your readers discover the end of the story) is a very clever one. I liked it. I even had to read the sentence again to understand what the girl was talking about!
The psychological aspects are well thought out. Your descriptions "show" the state of anxiety of this woman with actions, attitudes that are credible.
"Softly, I crept along the hallway further, staring into the rooms darkened by lack of proper windows. My spine tingled as I imagined what hidden monsters might be lurking the recesses of the rooms, regressing momentarily to age seven or eight. I allowed myself a moments soft shiver of dread, then pressed forward, shuffling my feet against the raised carpet"
Maybe some parts (especially the very beginning) are a little long. They could be trimmed a little.
I am not sure I understand the meaning of the bird in this story...
Overall, this is a good piece, with an idea that works well. Some little re-editing would make it even more effective. (My opinion)
There is so much love in this poem you wrote for your brother.
The rhythm and flow, together with your rhyme pattern make this sound very upbeat. This makes it surprising to read the more difficult moments, the painful experiences that you shared.
The poem is pleasant to read, mainly because of positive way in which you convey love and friendship.
One thing I would really suggest you to do is to find another word for "through" wherever it is possible to replace it in the poem. You have actually used it seven times, mostly concentrated in the first lines! It's a pity as it affects the way the poem sounds when read out loud.
I hope you don't mind my opinion.
Keep up the good work, this one can be improved and it is worth it.
I have seen this in the contests and activities newsletter and wanted to try it.
I enjoyed it immensely! The result was really hilarious, partly due to the choices, of course, that's the chance element. But you really did a nice work.
It is true that I found most madlibs on this site did not make sense because the author hadn't thought of all the possibilities and the definitions to fill in the blanks were not correct. I've seen authors ask for an adjective where they needed an adverb, ask for a verb without telling they needed a continuous tense (or they could have said a verb in "-ing").
Also, you never forget to write a(n) whenever you use an indefinite article, which is an essential little thing knowing that a noun can begin with a vowel or a consonant.
The creative part was also when you asked for a favorite saying. I suddenly thought of a U2 song where it is said that "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle". The result was quite surreal!
(I'm sending this review again, as I forgot to make it public)
Hello!
The first time I read this poem, I found it difficult to follow. References to a play divide the poem into actions. The actions or words that are said are only mentioned, so it isn't always easy to understand what is happening and, most important of all, why it is happening.
At the same time, the progression is interesting, the construction and complexity are also a quality and show your daring and experimental side. I do encourage trying new "stuff" and experimenting in poetry.
So, overall, I like the original form and the point of view adopted in this poem.
Keep it up!
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This will be one of my very few five-star ratings given for a poem lately.
I have read some items from your "Annie" poems and this one touches something very deep in my soul.
There is real magic in these words, embracing, loving strength. The centered text looks beautiful and fits the perfect harmony of this poem.
I really love the line-breaks in the second stanza, they give rhythm and strengthen the meaning:
"A white gold reminder
of Annie and another ring,
a family ring wrought close by grief
and love
and of
the halo around the moon
the evening Annie died"
I like how you experiment with sounds in this poem. I am very sensitive to this kind of effort. I think that you have been pretty successful at depicting a changing landscape/climate although - it's just a feeling I have - the poem sounds a little impersonal, the writer/narrator seems slightly indifferent.
I love the sound of: "Lush leaves
cushion every footfall"
and the opening lines are simply beautiful.
At the end of the first part, "in a sky of cornflower"
feels like a transition, already part of the "harder sounds", I think.
Overall, a pleasant item that allowed me to discover your writing.
Greetings,
Axilea
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