This piece is aiming for impact on its readers and I think you have been totally successful.
Of course, I fully agree on the content. I tend to think that after all politics don't exist anymore. Not in true meaning of the word. It is not a service given to people by other people we have elected. Only big money and a "happy" few are ruling/destroying the world now.
Very inspiring and thought-provoking read, full of energy, with moving words about those who are sent to die - so young, sacrificed - for no reason at all.
This is an interesting poem, with a particular voice and style. The words are very carefully chosen and the whole structure is quite original.
It is not an easy poem to read. The rhythm and uneven flow, with rare punctuation make it difficult to read out loud. The same feeling is conveyed by the layout, the way the writing occupies the page.
There isn't much to criticize; personally, I like free verse poems and don't think that a particular pattern is needed to write poetry.
This poem has an even, soothing rhythm and feel. The words have the same effect, with the use of some fine alliterations:
"The silvery sound and silvery stream"
(although maybe "silvery" may be replaced once to avoid repetition)
"cool clear blue"
"spectacular sparkling underworld"
As the rhythm is slow and the content clear and easily understood, the poem could work even better if it were just a little shorter. But that's just my opinion.
This is certainly a lovely portrait, where the author is not afraid to share her thoughts about the man she loves.
I agree: so many men are brought up to "seem" strong, to "look" brave and can be so cowardly when facing true situations, real feelings.
There is a line where I was suddenly a bit lost as a reader:
"They are dwarfed by your manly shadow"
I wonder why other men are "dwarfed" by this man's shadow. Unless it is implied that they are so in the eyes of the author.
I love the words and the ideas conveyed. The poem looks a little choppy, I think that this could look better if you let it look more compact, only separating stanzas where it is really necessary.
But these are just my opinions and the authors always knows what's best.
This is a very interesting piece of writing. It does sound like non-fiction, in a way, although you call it a short story.
There is a natural, sometimes "rough" feel throughout the story that works well for this item. The colloquial and almost stream of consciousness kind of writing makes one feel close to the main character.
What makes this quite unique is the way you turned a "detail" (big thumbs) into something more essential. It is a symbol of a relationship, but also a key to who you are (or your character).
Maybe some parts in the middle could be a little shorter. Some parts sound a little too much like something from a blog. Just my opinion.
Some time ago, I had the pleasure of discovering and reviewing a wonderful poem entitled "Spontaneous Combustion". Its imagery was astounding.
I came back to visit your port and see your latest work. I really wish there was more and encourage you to write.
This is another piece of writing that shows the existence of a mysterious world in which your characters go through uncommon and extreme experiences. Both frightening and transcending.
This poem is an attempt to tell a story that is probably too complex to be told in five stanzas. This is the limit, in my opinion. But it's also well written and striking.
I discovered this forum and I thought that more members should know of its existence.
The idea behind this is really wonderful and I'm happy to see that those members who have passed away are not forgotten and their ports can still be visited.
Some striking images, an interesting layout make this a good poem.
You are not afraid of experimenting and the result is original.
I particularly like these lines:
"She is the march, the crescendo, crashed into earth
alone
afraid
abandoned"
with a very good word choice and alliterations.
The last line is a little cliché, in my opinion and I found it disappointing compared to the rest of the poem.
I hope you don't mind my opinions. Overall, I enjoyed discovering this.
Although it felt a little strange to be reading a poem on new year's eve in summer, I have quite enjoyed this piece of writing.
The rhymes don't feel forced and you've let the poem flow freely without forcing a rhythm that would have been too even.
I especially like the first and last stanzas, they are the most powerful ones, full of rich imagery.
In my opinion, the following lines could be re-written without repeating the verb "leave" in a more striking way: "Asking for a brand new life that I can’t leave
I’m not able to leave it all behind"
But it's up to you to decide.
I was attracted to the title, probably because I wrote a poem some time ago entitled "the well".
This was really a good surprise, mainly because of the originality. I like the visual impac and the word choice in this poem. They both create a particular and strong athmosphere.
From the deep, "fetid" twist and turns to the invitation to "grasp", "imagine", "wake"... I have enjoyed the path you have taken and shared.
The title caught my attention. Like so many people around, I occasionally suffer from insomnia and I really wanted to see what you had done with the subject.
It is interesting to se how some ideas work for some poems and can sound totally "wrong" in others. In this case, although I'm not a big fun of repetitions, I noticed your use of:
"Insomnia tries to break me."
I really think it gives this poem the idea of a situation that happens again and again, something like an obsession, which is close to the state of mind created by numerous sleepless nights.
Many strong and expressive lines in this poem.
However, there is a line that I could not really understand and that doesn't read well in my opinion (hope you don't mind it)
It's:
"I do not rest my refuge is vain"
it may need a comma after "rest", if I understand the meaning correctly.
Overall, I quite emjoyed this item amd hope to read more of your work.
Thank you for writing something nice, funny, sweet and incredibly friendly! The links you provided in this item show all the interaction and generosity around.
It's good to see that friends on wdc can be a source of inspiration.
This is an effective way to motivate us too. Thank you Meg!
This piece of writing is perfect for what it is: reflections, short, personal and universal at the same time.
Very interesting way to begin:
"The bottom has fallen out
Scraping fingernails on the side as you try to scramble to safety
What is safety, anyway?"
Good question.
There are also quite a few alliterations that sound great, I don't know if they were meant to be there, but they give the whole piece some kind of coherence other than the content itself.
I have just discovered this in/out that looks like fun.
I had never noticed it before and I'm sure that other members who like this kind of game that uses creativity and letters of the alphabet will be glad to discover this.
It can be fun when resting or looking for inspiration.
It is interesting and quite daring to share simple and not so simple thoughts and questions about religion. You make it sound simple, condensed and I like the dialogue approach.
"Just how good they
Think that you have granted them"
I personally think it would be clearer if you wrote:
"Just how good they think
that you have granted them"
A very interesting poem, both in form and content. The erratic and detached athmosphere works well with a form continually changing its rhythm and shape.
I am not sure I understand these lines correctly: "morning is coming
and this parties at deaths
door."
I like the beginning and end that show repetition, a cycle that sounds somewhat suffocating.
Maybe some parts could be just a little condensed, just an opinion.
Here I am, having a look at your port and I was intrigued by this title.
I like the way you are speaking your mind in this piece. It sounds like a poem of observation and a certain disappointment with human behavior.
It is interesting that you mixed together your thoughts and conclusions with bits of dialgue, phrases that are often heard.
-> I noticed that some are between quotation marks and others aren't.
For more unity and matbe impact, I would suggest to have them all in italics, while the rest of the poem would stay as it is. What do you think?
Anyway, it's an interesting subject that you've picked out for this one.
Interesting poll, original question. I simply wonder why your punctuation is so... present and repeated. Three commas, seven question marks after a word are some examples.
Anyway, it's interesting to study such bahaviors. I wish you explained the reasons behind the poll a little more.
The options are good, although I don't see the difference between: "I ain't losin' nothin"
and "Whatz losing? I always win"
This is quite an original idea for a poem. It's a story (It sounds like a true story) that is told in a poetic form. I like the Shakespearian sonnet that doesn't look like one the first time one reads it. I think that the reader is too concentrated on the story to be aware of the form straight away.
Good to see you around! A careful, subtle construction that works well with this poem. I like it, especially the two verses.
Of course the idea of "famine,
slowly eating children alive"
is interesting and creates an effective image.
I was left wondering in the end... what is "the soft green light"?
Green seems strange because in a poem, especially a short, condensed piece like this one, the reader expects to find meaning in a color that was chosen to define light, which is interpreted as hope for better days.
Although I feel like a little something is missing - I don't know what - I always like your elegant and sensitive writing.
This is an original piece of writing. It has a rhythm and flow, a particular quality that makes me think of a storyteller who will use a certain rhythm to capture the listeners' attention.
It's quite an educational piece too. I have learned something that I did not know before; at first I thought that I was going to read something about snow, which sounded surprising after the first two lines:
"My home's in the tropics, North Australia, you know,
We have winters which aren't really cold."
As you have selected "Environment :: Regional" as a genre, I would advise you to add "travel" to gain exposure.
This is a poem with many different parts. Some speak to the reader in a more poetic way, through imagery and dreamlike atmosphere. Others use words that are less original.
The first kind of language is what I find more effective in your poem: "As they stumble and tumble into themselves
Like circus clowns
Flying through the air“
“This recurring dream
Festers on in my brain
With excruciating pain“
The more usual expressions are somewhat less effective: "By the power of the pen
Let’s unite and write
And expose this cancer“
As a whole, this is a good poem if the authors invitation moves the reader.
Best regards,
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