This is a really nice piece of writing! We all have dreams, goals and passions. You have listed many of them with your usual poetic flair.
Your rhymes are great and the poem has a good flow. You seem to be creating a 13 syllable meter for each line, but you need to add or subtract a bit to a couple of lines.
What about something like this for the first stanza?
-They come in all sizes, some large and some small.
-An evening of peace or a lifetime of law.
-An empire, a factory, job or a spouse,
-A husband and wife save to buy that first house.
--- These added words make a perfect 13 meter rhythm in the stanza.
The second stanza has perfect rhyme and 13 meter rhythm!
In the third stanza, what if you reworded a little bit to make it flow more smoothly?
-Take time for a breath and just think it all through,
-You can start with one and then move on to two.
-Don't ever give up, no regrets to explain,
-For not ever trying may drive you insane.
Perhaps you could change the word "empire" in the last stanza, since you had already used it earlier in the poem. Also a bit of rewording to keep the meter and the rhythm going. How about this?
-A best-selling novel, a number one song?
-Just give it your all and keep moving along.
-Soon you will meet it, your dream comes alive,
-Your goal and your passion, for all that you strive!
All in all, terrific stuff! Just a little "tweaking" here and there makes it great!
Take Care!
"Bella Bunny"
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A sad, but lovely theme to this poem. Staying by a loved one as they passed away and wishing you could save every moment of time with them.
However, I am somewhat surprised by this piece of writing because you are usually so precise with your rhymes and with your spelling.
The word "couldn't" is spelled incorrectly in both the title and in the last line, so I am not sure if it is a typo or not. The apostrophe takes the place of the missing letter "o".
In your second stanza, your intended pair of rhyming words ("heard/neared") simply do not rhyme. Of course, that may be a dialectical difference from one part of the world to another. Also, the last line of that stanza has only five syllables instead of six, unless the word "neared" is a 2-syllable word.
Perhaps if you tried that stanza like this:
---All you could do was shake your head
---To tell me that you heard.
---Your power of speech was no more,
---Gone was your spoken word.
All in all, just minor corrections would make this a thoughtful and heartfelt poem.
Write On!
"Bella Bunny"
I was looking through your port and saw a poem written in "prime" and "reverse prime", but I had never heard of this type of poetry.
And then... I KNEW! Visually, the poem is very appealing. I may want to try this type. I also liked the imagery of your words. In my minds eye, I can see the wild spring storm and the two wet people walking with a bicycle.
I began to read this, thinking it would be a light-hearted letter to Santa from a good little boy. The second stanza changed my thoughts to one of a poor child asking for toys. Then, the third stanza brought it all together. It was child asking for an UNSELFISH gift - a gift of life for his mother. Very touching!
Such a sweet poem! A truly unique way to look at the Nativity. The is the story from the donkey, but I can imagine that each animal in the stable that night would have a story to tell - and each with a different outlook.
You rhyme pattern is good and I like the pattern of the poem that you used, repeating the first line at the end of each stanza.
One suggestion - in the first 3 stanza, lines 1,2 and 5 have 10 syllables, which make for a perfect rhythm for a carol. I can just imagine singing it. However, in the last stanza, those lines lose a syllable and the 3rd and 4th lines gain a syllable in comparison with the other stanzas. The rhythm is broken and just doesn't "flow" as well.
What if you tried this:
Rest little Mary, the night now is gone.
Sweet little baby child born with the dawn.
Beasts cannot understand
I kiss thy gentle hand.
Rest little Mary, the night now is gone.
It truly does not change the meaning of this lovely poem, but it restores the rhythm. of course, it is only a suggestion. This is truly delightful, just as it is.
Cute story! Are you a teacher or did you ever work with 5 year olds? This is exactly the kind of stuff that could happen.
You leave the end of the story with a "hook" ... Will there be further installments of life in Miss Johnson's class? You could tell moreabout Jimmy and Billy. You could introduce more of the students in the class and tell about other day to day incidents.
This is kinda cute!! Great idea for a quick poem. You must be talking about the preview for "Cars" with the talking truck!
Your rhymes are good! If you could somehow get a bit more of a rhythm to your poem, it would be greatly improved. If you could have the length of your lines be matched or similar in the number of syllable, it makes the poem flow more smoothly.
This is very nicely done! The title perfectly describes the tone of the poem. Each stanza continues to express that feeling.
Your rhymes are perfect. Your rhythm is good, but it wouldn't be difficult to give your poem a perfect meter. For example, in the first stanza, each line has exactly 8 syllables. Perfect meter! However in the second stanza, the meter is: 8 - 7 - 8 - 9. If you add a syllable to the 2nd line and remove a syllable from the 4th line, it would be perfect.
How about something like this?
--Familiar paintings on the wall,
--And echoed footsteps in the hall,
--A life she built to watch it fall,
--A world so big; seems now so small.
It really doesn't change the meaning, but adds perfect meter to your poem.
This is quite good, especially if you were only 13 when it was written. Very descriptive and meaningful, yet you are able to maintain a poetic form as you tell your story. Nicely done.
The only major flaw I found is with the last word of the 6th line. All of your other couplets have perfect rhymes, but this one does not. The first line of that couplet, "A featureless face, an emotionless mask;" is so expressive and there should somehow be an adequate rhyming phrase to follow it. Perhaps something with the word "task", such as --- "Hiding within has become her new task" --- but I am sure you could create something better, since it is about YOU, after all.
The only other suggestion I could offer would be to somehow balance the rhythms in each couplet so that the meter matched. But that does not distract from the poem in anyway, so the choice would be up to you.
Interesting poem. I like the metaphors that represent the coming of death.
Excellent rhymes in the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza.
However, it feels a bit awkward when read aloud. You need to see if you can find a rhythm to match these wonderful images.
What if you tried this:
I am autumn, crawling closer.
I bring cool breezes, peaceful sleep.
I am the hand that gives and takes.
I am Death and closer I creep.
--Each line now has 8 syllables and an even meter. Of course, this is only a suggestion, but if you are interested, you could try to modify the rest of the stanzas to have a similar meter.
Even though you have an intriguing poem with great rhymes and potentially good rhythm, you still need to take a look at the mundane and ordinary stuff, too - aka spelling and typing.
--Is your title supposed to be "Autumn"? (mispelled?)
--2nd line in 1st stanza "breezes" (mispelled?)
--4th line in 1st stanza "coming" (mispelled?)
--3rd line in 2nd stanza "one everyone" (needs space)
All in all, a good poem with great potential.
"Write On!"
--Bella Bunny
This is another good poem! (And cute, too!!) Everybody loves a kitty cat!
You seem to have a 10 syllable per line rhythm going, which works very well. Everything seems to have 10 per line, except the second line of the 4th stanza. It needs one more syllable.
What if you added the word "with" - so that it would be "She jumps pretty high, with back flips and all!"
In the last line of the 2nd stanza, what if you put the name Fraidy in quotes so that the name stands out? This isn't anything required in grammar, but it just seems to emphasize the name.
Also, in the very last line of the last stanza, you need to put the word BOO in quotes, since it is being used as dialogue. Like this:
--I'll wait till she sleeps, sneak up and yell "Boo!"
Another great poem! (I want credit as a proofreader in your book!!)
This is really good! I like it a lot! I especially like the rhyme pattern and the repeated last line for each stanza. Nice idea! (I might have to steal it!!) LOL
Couple of suggestions, if you are interested.....
In the 2nd line "Lights go out, your day be done" - what if the last part says "your day is done". Makes sense and better grammar.
In the last stanza, the 2nd line, "Nothings there, now not a peep" - the word "nothings" needs an apostrophe before the "s". You are saying "nothing is wrong" - a contraction needs the apostrophe.
Also in the whole poem, it feels like the parent is talking -- "Go to sleep my little one....Are you afraid of the night?" But in the 3rd line of the last stanza, suddenly the child is saying "Mom and Dad don't know my fright!" But then back to the parent for the last line "Are you afraid of the night?" It feels a little confusing.
There are two ways you could change this. One way is to change that 3rd line so that it is back in the parent's point of view...
Close your eyes and go to sleep.
Nothing's there, now not a peep.
Mom and Dad don't know your fright.
Are you afraid of the night?
Or.... change the last two lines to the child's point of view (which I prefer).
Close your eyes and go to sleep.
Nothing's there, now not a peep.
(Mom and Dad don't know my fright!
I AM afraid of the night!)
I really like your work! I hope you don't mind me offering so many suggestions. These are just my opinions, but you DON'T have to do anything with them!
I usually prefer poetry that has rhyme and rhythm, but this was an intriguing piece of work.
It DOES have a unique rhythm, just not a traditional one.
I like the quick, short, staccato lines. Simple and sweet, but highly descriptive and explanatory.
If I could offer one suggestion: In the third stanza, perhaps you could dicide it into two stanzas, with the new one beginning at "Basic Training". This line seems to start another phase in your life, so perhaps it needs its own stanza?
Also, in your title -- did you intend to have the word "Personal" instead of "Persona"? I figured it was just a case of fingers typing too fast!
I like your lament about not "finding" the words when you know they are there. However, I prefer poetry to actually have rhyme and rhythm. Your writing inspired me to write one for you!
I want to write.
I feel the fire.
It's just the words
That I desire.
Why are the words
Always elusive.
Poetry seems
Almost abusive.
The words are hiding
Within my brain.
They just won't come out.
Makes me insane!
I am enjoying
The writing you do
But, oh how I wish
I could write it, too.
Written especially for Gina Sennett Mevis
by "Bella Bunny"
I like this political statement on our government! Nicely done! (...unfortunately...)
Good effort on rhyme. I only noticed one place where an incorrect word was used, which would then affect the perfect rhyme. In the 3rd line of the 3rd stanza, "...we know that for shore" - the last word should be "sure". What if you tried something like this:
"The Government's broken, we know that for sure
The incumbents must go; "fresh meat" is the cure."
** (The "fresh meat" refers to newly elected candidates and the word "cure" is just a pun to go with the fresh meat.)
I also noticed a few place where small corrections need to be made.
For example: "Money from taxes, It's the way of the land" - the word "It's" does not need to be capitalized.
"The Governments broken, we know that for shore" - the word "governments" needs an apostrophe before the "s".
"The incumbents must go, lets show them the door" - the word "lets" needs an apostrophe before the "s".
As for meter / rhythm, the lines have the following number of syllables:
1st stanza - 12, 11, 11, 11
2nd stanza - 11, 11, 11, 12
3rd stanza - 11, 10, 11, 11
4th stanza - 11, 11, 11, 11
If you can somehow re-word your poem to get a constant 11 meter, it would be a nice improvement. It is almost there now! However, the poem is terrific just the way it is! Full of wit and sarcastic humor! I love it!
This is a nice bit of work! I bet many teachers would be interested in using this poem! Very factual. Short and concise way of summing up the highlights of the American Revolution.
I like the use of two couplets per stanza for your poem. Your rhymes are all perfect.
The main thing holding this poem back from being truly excellent is the rhythm/meter. Your first stanza has 11,10,10,10 for the number of syllables in each line. If you could drop one syllable in the first line, it would be perfect. Perhaps you could substitute the word "stalwart" for the word "powerful"? Or some other word of appropriate meaning.
The meter for the second stanza is: 8, 11, 10, 10. The last two lines are great! What if you changed the first two into something like this?
With freedom for all and justice as well
Liberty born with the ring of a bell
This changes the syllable count for the two lines into 10 for each.
Third stanza syllable count is : 9, 12, 10, 11.
How about this?
A war now declared, the fleet on the way
Patriots gather, in churches they pray
One lantern for land, two lanterns by sea
They stand tall and proud, remembering tea.
Anyway... you get the idea. Brush up the meter count a bit and this will be a truly wonderful tribute to our American forfathers!
This poem is (unfortunately) very true! At least a lot of the time. It's the old "women are from Venus; men are from Mars" problem. We just don't seem to speak the same language.
Your rhymes are good! I like the idea of writing rhyming couplets (i.e. two rhyming lines together).
I also like the rhythm of this piece. It feels like you want to have an 8 meter line, but in a few places it has a syllable too much or not enough.
I also noticed a few spelling errors. The most obvious one is using "their" instead of "they're" throughout the poem. The next is in line 3, "omitting" (only one "m") and another in line 15 "faithful" (only one "l").
I think your poem would have more impact if you separated the couplets with a space between. I have "edited" your poem, with corrections to the spellings and tweaked it to make 8 syllables per line. Please understand that these are only suggestions! Feel free to use them or discard them. If you want to use any of the ideas, you can edit your poem in your portfolio so that it shows the changes.
Anyway, here goes....
They pull you in; push you away.
They say just what they have to say.
They're not lying, just omitting.
It's the truth, they're just forgetting.
They tell you that and tell you this.
They even seal it with a kiss.
They promise you their very heart,
To only then tear yours apart.
They build you up, then pull you down.
And in the end, they're not around.
They wipe your tears, but then cause more.
They say its you that they adore.
They beg to stay and then they leave.
Their stupid dreams that you believe.
They say they're faithful when they're not.
They say its you when they get caught.
They say all women are the same.
Well, maybe, men should take the blame.
Can you FEEL the rhythm when you read it aloud? This could even be lyrics to a song! I tried to not change any meanings as I worked the wording into an 8 meter pattern. What do you think?
All in all, this was a good piece of writing. Your ideas and rhymes are terrific. Just "feel the rhythm" and you will do wonderful stuff!!
Wow! This is a wonderful telling of your family history and your Native American heritage. I love your description of what happens at Pow Wows when you step away into the woods to be alone. In this busy world, it is sometimes hard to imagine that this land had fruitful, hard working people here long before the English came to this soil.
Your last name is Johnson. That makes me wonder if we may be related in some way. My maiden name is Johnson and my paternal grandfather used to always tell me that his 4th great-grandmother was a Cherokee. He never mentioned any tribal names or any contact with Native American tribes. He grew up in the area of Council, VA, which is not far from Bristol, Virginia/Tennessee. His name was Lonnie Johnson.
My grandfather and his father were both miners in the coal fields of Appalachia. My grandfather certainly had the physical appearance of his ancestors, with his dark hair and eyes and darker/coppery complexion. My parents were divorced when I was young, so I never really got to know a lot about my father's family. I made the effort to regain contact with them when I was in college, but I never shared the family stories as I was growing up.
Anyway ... you have done a lot of research and found a lot of information. It is good to know that parts of Native American history can still be found and shared. If you discover anything that indicates we might be related, let me know!
I like the first stanza the best. The repetition of words that carries from each line onto the following line makes an interesting flow.
The second stanza is good, since it follows the same pattern and because it creates a good poetic rhyme in the 2nd and 4th lines with the words "for/war". However, the repetition of "Grotesque Obscenity" three times is a bit much.
The third and fourth stanzas lose the pattern that made the poem so interesting. The fourth seems to obsess on the word "disgusting" and they both continue with the "Grotesque Obscenity", which has already been over-stated.
From your poem, I understand that young men in war is something that you detest greatly, but it would make a much better piece of writing if you could find alternative words to emphasize your feelings. Some rewording and reworking could make this into a terrific poem.
This is so funny!! I love it!! So many poems are so deep and emotional, but this one is full of humor!! Fun!!
I like the use of two rhyming couplets to make a 4-line stanza. However, you did something different in the second stanza, which seems a little odd. If you could eliminate one line, it would make a better poem.
Except for that 2nd stanza, you rhymes are perfect. I like the word "freezed" as a rhyme for pleased. Clever!!
Even though the poem is fun and easy to read, you might want to work on the rhythm and meter a bit. It is easier to read if the couplets have the same meter.
The meter of the first stanza is: 8-11-10-10.
If you changed the second line to be "I'm on call Winter through Summer" - then you would have 8-8-10-10.
The second stanza needs a bit of reworking to get two sets of couplets. What do you think of this:
Tell me your problem, and I'll check it out.
I'm sure I can fix it, without a doubt.
Your faucet is dripping, a leak at the spout?
Let me take a look at the caulking and grout.
The meter in this stanza would then be: 10-10-11-11.
The meter of the third stanza is: 10-9-10-11.
Again, a little work is needed to balance the meter.
What do you think of this:
I have all the tools to fix it just right.
I will work non-stop, from morning to night.
When I am all done, I know you'll be pleased.
Your toilets will work; your ice cubes have freezed.
The meter in this stanza would then be: 10-10-10-10.
Anyway, you know what to do. You can works with the other stanzas to make the meter smoother.
One other little thing to remember is to use capital letters and apostrophes where needed. Such as the word "ill" instead of "I'll" for "I will".
Over all, this is a fun, fun, FUN poem! With a little bit of work, it will be a GREAT poem!
Keep up the good work!
"Bella Bunny"
Ahhh... a poem about coffee! You are a writer after my heart!
I really like this! It is a funny, up-beat poem that any coffee drinker will understand and cheer!
I like your rhyme pattern with two couplets combined to make a 4-line stanza. Your rhymes are mostly perfect, except for the first couplet with joy/boys. The meter (rhythm) of the poem isn't bad, but it could use a bit of help. For example, the number of syllables per line in your first stanza are: 8-10-11-11. If you can get each line to have the same number of syllables - or at least the rhyming couplets to have the same number - it would really improve the poem.
If I may offer some suggestions??
Timmy's, oh Timmy's, the brewer of joy,
You bring energy to each girl and boy.
Caffeinating the world with coffee and such.
Cappuccinos galore, I love you so much.
(this fixes the rhyme problem in the first two lines and the new meter is: 10-10-11-11.
You are my life source when I am at school,
At 8 in the morning, which is not cool.
I just don't do mornings, but you help me through.
And that, my dear Timmy's, is why I need you.
(added a couple of words and the meter is again: 10-10-11-11.
When I'm up all night, I know you are there.
For 24/7, I know you care.
On behalf of the drunks, night owls, and the rest,
I say to you, Timmy's, you sure are the best.
(a little rewording and the meter is again: 10-10-11-11.
These are only suggestions. Your poem is wonderful just the way it is. But these few changes can help "clean up" the rhyme and meter. Feel free to use my ideas or create new ones of your own!
Great work! Now I will go grab a cup of coffee and read some more!
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