I like this as an intro. I find it a bit vague, but that may be your intention.
Here are a few comments - mainly observations. Nothing major.
Anything worth having is worth fighting for. Anything worth fighting for is going to hurt sometimes. How can we truly understand happiness without the pain?I would put commas in each of these sentences to slow it down and create emphasis.
Learning that I caused that blindness and had no one to blame for it other than myself was one of those moments when you find yourself at a crossroads I find myself stumbling through this sentence. I don't have any specifics, but it confused me. Maybe just too long with no breaks.
Too many "its" in the last paragraphThree sentences begin with "it". Does the last one refer to the wolf?
Looks like a good start. I will try to get to the first chapter. You have created some suspense, but at this point it is unclear where it is heading.
I have been reading the various parts and chapters. You are certainly putting in a lot of productive effort. I'm impressed.
I don't see much value in me editing for punctuation and grammar. You can probably do as well on that as I can. When you are ready to publish this, you need to get a pro go through it.
I'm not really into this genre, but I certainly can appreciate what you have been able to accomplish. I am interested to see how it all shapes up in book format. Let me know when you get it to that stage. If you do publish, I will definitely add this to my bookshelf.
<loudly apathetically slowly simply > I think that adverbs should be minimized.
<It was a beautiful sight to behold, the clear blue waters rippling and waving outside, the gray and white clouds over the horizon that seemed to support the blue sky above with seagulls that seemed to dance in midair as if something was
beneath such a shallow ocean floor. > Excellent descriptions.
How do you keep coming up with these stories? Your mind must be going all the time.
I was intrigued with how you developed the story and suspense so quickly. I looked in anticipation for the ending and then stopped - puzzled. What did she write? I kept racking my brain to try to figure it out. I finally gave up in frustration when I saw the title.
I might be mistaken, but I think that English might be your second language. If so, that shouldn't hold you back from writing. It might be a good idea to post short stories like this and ask for feedback. There are also some good classes available on this site.
Here are a couple of examples of what I am referring to:
Madonna should be capitalized.
The days did not ends well >> could read "the day did not end well"
Here are a couple of minor observations - my opinions only.
<I was very nervous> "very"tends to be a weak modifier. I would eliminate.
< I knocked on my keister > I think you are missing "was knocked"
<My extremely protective> I try to avoid adverbs and use stronger verbs.
I think some of the longer sentences need some commas to separate the phrases.
This style reads like one of the old detective novels.
As a short story, it moves along very quickly - maybe too quickly. This might be better as a longer piece. There is lots of room to stretch it out and add some details.
<I’ve told them a thousand times, but my parents never listen. I have absolutely no intention of even looking for a wife, never mind getting married any time soon.> You start out in the present tense, but then change to the past tense. You might want to revisit the opening line.
Thanks for pointing me in this direction. I enjoyed the read. I have already read and commented on “The Blooper” from before.
I really like the colloquial style in “The Knockout”. It feels like a “Rocky” type story. You insert lots of useful descriptions.
It is hard to find constructive comments in your writing – it holds together so well. So the following comments are a result of considerable digging – so they may not be of much value.
You wrote:
To give us time to edit and distribute it, we need the interview tape back here by one
my comment:
I realize that this is dialogue, but you may want to change your time reference for consistency sake. Later on in the story you refer to 12:35, so you may want to show this as 1:00.
You wrote:
“Astrodomain”
my comment:
I am not familiar with the Astrodome, so I assume this is the correct representation of some location in the facility.
You wrote:
"Champ aint talkin' to no more white people today!"
my comment:
Need an apostrophe in “ain’t”
My favorite line “The Pit and the Organic Pendulum,”
Excellent story. You have the makings of a book about “The Sports Announcer/reporter”
Review from Brian
Very powerful story.
Great descriptions. I like your choice of words.
You wrote:
the clink of glass against each other
my comment:
maybe change to plural "glasses" You wrote:
His mother stumbled through the room and he squeezed his eyes shut>
my comment:
I'm not sure if "and" is the right connector - maybe "as"? You wrote:
He opened his eyes a bit
my comment:
"a bit" tends to be weak
You wrote:
say kiddo?”, her words
my comment:
I don't think the comma is necessary
These personal accounts are great to document. I know you have looked at a couple of mine. I now have about 300 writtent stories like this. Many are about my dad. They will be great keepsakes for the kids and grandkids.
I see a problem in verb tense. You shift back and forth between present tense and past tense. I find it a bit confusing, although you may have a logical progression in mind. Anyway, just a thought - re-read it and see what you think.
I like the ironic twist - Hopefully the judge will see it that way too.
One minor observation:
I'm not sure you need to repeat this phrase twice.
<His mouth was full of debris and blood>
< His mouth was full of debris, saliva, and blood.>
This is certainly a thorough account. Thanks for writing and posting. I think I will bookmark it and go through it carefully.
I have been doing lots of reviewing. It forces me to read other's work and the reviewing helps me with my own writing. My reviews are a bit random, so hopefully this advice will help me improve my reviews and thus my writing.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 4:45pm on May 02, 2024 via server web2.