I really liked how this poem ended "And wonders, whether they would be so cold... Had she another pair to warm them." I've never thought about winter like this, as a person, and how she would feel being winter. I suppose it would be lonely because, really, no one likes it. Very good exercise in thought!
I like all of this except the line "when heart shaped tears fell". I'm wondering why they're heart shaped? I wondered why someone so innocent would be crying but then I read again and realized that you said "an infant just from the womb" and answered my own question. I think a comma between "an infant" and "just from the womb" would be appropriate.
You say so much in so little space! I hate to focus on spelling and punctuation in poetry because it's not something I like to hear about normally, but the only thing I can give constructive criticism on here is that. "Automn" should be "Autumn". Perhaps you could put a period after tree and start "but held in yours" as a new sentence, but I'm not sure about that. I like that this is all one thought. Not sure if breaking it up would be right. Definitely something to think about.
Yes, it definitely is a short, bleak poem. You should edit it a little and spell the word "unknown" correctly - I'm sure it was just a typo. I especially like the lines "Why do I awake each day? It seems far too high ... a price to pay." I would consider combining the last two lines into one: "It seems far too high a price to pay." I'm not sure what "secrets lie beneath" refers to - beneath what? This reminds me a little bit of a Dorothy Parker poem. She's my favorite poet and she found a way to bring everything she wrote around to the dark or snide. I'm beginning to like that about you as a writer as I read more of your stuff.
First, the poem at the beginning is fantastic. I like this, it tells the story of a person I think I've met. In the beginning he says "I don't care", but at the end it seems as if he has found a way to break through his apathy and really be sorry for her, to her, whatever it is. The only criticism I have is that the word is spelled "Illusion" not "allusion". I loved reading this. Great job and keep writing!
A very interesting take on today's writers cramp entry :) I couldn't think of any way the piece could be improved on except perhaps making "and don't look at the star!" bolded or all in caps, to emphasize its importance. But you could easily not do that as well, the story (for being so short) is really well done. Great job!
That's hilarious and so true :) The only thing that threw me off was your use of "dint" instead of "didn't". It caught me and stopped me for a second every time. I realize this is a diary entry and the person would write as they thought, but it still caught me :) Overall, very funny!
Good job, welcome to writing.com and keep writing!
The rhyme in this poem fits well and the flow is good. One issue I saw in these lines: "I told her I loved her one day
she said she loved me back in gay" Perhaps the second line in that duo could be "she said she felt the same way". At the end of the poem you also mess with your rhyme scheme a little with the line "I'll be alone but for your memories" which doesn't rhyme with anything. But I do really like that line because it expresses your feelings very well. Perhaps it just needs to be fit into the poem's form a little better?
Overall, a good poem that needs just a little editing. Good job, keep writing!
Poetry can express pain better than almost any other form of writing sometimes. I think you expressed your sorrow and pain very well in this poem. The rhyme is good in some places and forced in others. For instance: "little did we know we had been catapulted back to the disaster in the past". This is a good line, but making it rhyme makes it a little too long for flow issues. I would try re-writing this poem and letting it just flow into lines, not rhyming at first and then add the rhyme if you have to after. Internal rhyme might be a good thing to bring into this poem. That's where little words inside of the stanzas rhyme, not just the words at the ends of lines. All in all, this is a good expression of pain. I hope that you're not still this depressed! This is a good start, just needs a little editing. Good job, welcome to writing.com and keep writing!
I like this poem a lot, I think there are just a few edits you need to make.
For instance, in this line: "I want to write something that will make her feel proud, fill her heart with joy" you could easily bring "fill her heart with joy" onto a new line underneath it by itself and the poem would flow better.
Also, I'm not sure of the last two lines, they confuse me. Why would writing anthologies for the one you love end life? Perhaps a little more explanation there would be appropriate.
Overall good job! With a little editing this will be a fantastic poem. Welcome to writing.com and keep writing!
I really like the fourth stanza:
"My mind wanders constantly,
trying to place you in my reality.
I picture you binding me, but thats not what you see."
I've been in that position before, and that really speaks to a common experience among all people.
I think that in some places you get too caught up with making it rhyme and not enough with making it flow. For example:
"Why does this heart of mine feel like this?
Without you near, my world feels cold,
but with you here it shimmers to molten gold."
That last line is a bit too long for the flow to keep going perfectly.
All in all I think this is a good start and you have the idea rounded out in this poem very well, I'd just look at the flow of the poem and the rhyme and edit a little.
Good job, welcome to writing.com and keep writing!
I think this has the potential to be a great poem - without the rhyme. I would try taking the sentences and changing the ends of them so that they don't rhyme with one another and see if you can express yourself more freely. I'm not a naysayer of traditional poetry styles, I write some rhyming poetry myself, but I think the thoughts in this poem could be easier and more effectively expressed without the forced rhyme.
Something that always helps me is to print out my poem and cut apart all the lines or even all the words and switch them around until I see something I like. You don't have to go with that, but it's always a good experiment.
I always like poems that are titled with a word from the last line, so good job titling. I liked the line "Her presence like wine, so invigorating... be careful, too much is ... intoxicating!" I did wonder why you put an ellipse between "is" and "intoxicating", though. It almost throws the flow of the poem off. Also, I wondered if she could truly be without sin or vice if you referred to her as your "harlot". I loved all the other words you used to describe her, but harlot seemed a little harsh. All in all a great poem! Good job and keep writing!
This would be a great devotional in a book of devotionals! The only grammatical issue that I saw was in the last sentence of the second paragraph, it should end with a question mark instead of a period. You picked the perfect scripture reference to go with this. You should enter this in one of the religious based contests!
This is a sad story and I hope it isn't true. The only thing I noticed throughout were some misspellings and grammatical errors. "Except" should be "accept". "Theropy" should be "Therapy". "She has never broke down in front of me" should be "She has never broken down in front of me". Other than that sort of thing, this is a good story. You just need to go through and edit a little. Good job and keep writing!
I like that every other line refers to your soul in some way. The only line that I thought was a little difficult was "While my soul despairs of trying". Upon first read, I stuck on that a little. I don't know if it's possibly forced? All I know is on a dry read I stuck on that line a little. Otherwise, your rhyme is good, the rhythm is good and I like the theme throughout with the positive ending. Good job and keep writing!
I enjoyed the metaphor of one's house being like one's mind. I especially liked the lines "All these evils that claim to be my own... Are the ones I invited into my home." If I think of "home" like your mind, then it's really poignant. Good job and keep writing!
Wow was this interesting! You description had me reading every line twice to take in all of it's grandeur. I want to read more immediately, to know what they're planning and what the two dead characters had achieved! No spelling or grammatical errors that I could detect, which is fantastic. You're a new writing? Keep writing, and I'd love to know when you post new chapters.
This seemed to me to be the gritty dialogue of an embittered martyr who wants to believe in karma but constantly sees it's opposite play out in society around him. I think it started fine, progressed really well, and was fantastic by the end. You didn't rush the ending and none of it feels forced. Good job!
I think that this is written well, but I'm missing something. I don't understand how the armed forces and breathing relate to a death of someone that we didn't know that well in the beginning. Is this part of a larger work? If not, I think we need some character development for the two main characters in the story - Billy and Stuart. Was Billy in the Navy and this is what Stuart is joining? If that is the case, this makes a little more sense. Also, I think that you should expand the ending. It seems a bit rushed. Perhaps make it into two paragraphs instead of one. It could be that the lines are spaced in the rest of the story and this paragraph is a little longer than the others. Grammatically, there are no problems. Like I said, it's written very well. I'm just kindof missing the point. It may be irony that I'm just not getting, in this case I would try to add more to the story to make the irony a little more thick.
Thanks for sharing your story! I'd love to read an edited version.
I was originally going to say that you could omit the opening paragraph completely and make the article better, but I disagree with myself. While it's not on topic, it introduces the theme of you needing inspiration. I like this article a lot. If it were me, I wouldn't make references to friends or teachers in the article and speak directly to them, because I am more of a professional writer when it comes to articles. But if this is for a school paper, that seems like it would be fine. All in all I really like this article. I especially like the part where you bring out the lyrics to "This is why I'm hot" (which I've, thankfully, never heard). I agree - the lyrics could have been written by a three year old. Many pop songs these days reduce themselves in this way. I love Chicago too, even the movie is good. Overall great job!
You have great description in this short story. "Endless sea of sand" and "every crack patiently worn away" are examples. Is there more? I'd love to read more of this. Also, I'm interested in how you got this from looking at your bathroom door? Great job, keep writing!
I enjoyed reading your poem and think that the message is a good one. The only thing I want to criticize is that you switched rhyming forms in the second to last stanza, going ABAB instead of AABB. I think you should stay consistent in your rhyming if you're dedicated to writing a rhyming poem.
I like where you're going with this poem, but I think you have some editing to do. The rhyme seems a bit forced in some places. Also, a stanza about what you mean with the word "stranger" would be good. I liked the stanza that had the line "stranger to the people... that I love so much". I start to get a glimpse of what you're meaning in the poem in that stanza. Maybe an end stanza before your second to last stanza that explains why life will be a stranger would be good. Also, the last line doesn't make much sense to me, ending with the word "rife". Generally you say "rife with ____" when using that in a sentence. Perhaps choose a different word?
I usually don't like rhyming poetry, but this is done with such grace that I just loved it. The internal and external rhymes were done with perfection. Have you edited this poem or is this a first draft? I especially liked the third stanza, "to rid the grid of complex thought" - not only do I agree with what you're saying here, but I love the internal rhyme. The only part that I think you could work on is the last stanza - the entire poem is written with stark honesty and intense words, I feel like I either need this stanza to be a little more intense or perhaps I need a stanza before it to transition into the more hopeful state of mind. You have a real gift. I'd love to read more of your stuff.
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