Funny to make such a competition out of what is supposed to be fun and enjoyment.
Not much for competitive way of thinking I kind of got a good laugh out of the images described here.
A little more on how the children looked might have been included. Is the daughter in jeans and a tshirt, or a frilly pink dress and ribbons in the hair? The others she is fighting for the eggs from how are they dresses?
One moment I was envisioning a church gathering of children dressed in frilly dresses and suits. The next jeans and football uniforms , a bunch of competitive parents screaming at them from the sides of a football field.
Either way it was kind of funny, yet in another way if taken seriously it is very sad to think children would be taught like this.
Very nicely done. When statements are made or yelled, they should be new sentences. I find only a few small mistakes. Maybe a reread over quickly would catch these. Nothing to truly distract from the story itself.
Write On!
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
Very nicely done. This flows smooth and dream like as the reader floats on a cloud to this world beyond dreams.
I see no spelling errors. Punctuation seems ok. The capatilized "feelings" seem to be key words to the picture painted in the mind while reading this.
A wonderful place to hide for a bit, maybe the discription of a place the reader goes in the mind while reading a fantasy of a different world and place.
Write on!
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
Nicely done. Got the reader believing in the same as the hunter, very nice ending. What better way to regain your spendings. Well written, actually crawling through the tunnel with the explorer waiting to see the treasure.
Enough discription yet letting the reader fill in the blanks.
The ending leaves the question though of how many rooms there were and how he discovered more than the one he ended up in. A little more content of after the treasure is found could have been used. Though I realize if written for contest,limited word amount may have interfered. Expansion would be my only suggestion.
Thanks for posting this interesting story.
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
This is a beautiful haunting tale of a teenage girl trying desperately to get out of a bad home situation. The cruelty of a drunken father, a momma passed away. She was still suffering from losing mom must she suffer at the hands of father too. This brought so many emotions, mainly tears of pain for this pore lost soul. I jumped with her out that window. I hollered for her to yell more at that bum of a father from her safe distance below.
The ending made me smile yet the tears came too. I do think the line of running into her parents' arms might have had better affect (her mother's arms) as she wouldn't be thinking of running into this fathers arms even as a little girl. Though we all hold to the precious memories of how we remember our parents at that younger age.
This would be a good story to expand into a longer tale. I realize being a contest , word limit probably constrained.
Everyone indents differently , I believe with the format of this story it might look better with less indentation of each paragraph.
At one point you have two quotations in the same line. I am under the belief quotations are the start of new lines and should be new paragraphs. This could be wrong. Just what I was instructed within one of my stories.
Of course in the end these are just my suggestions, it is ultimately your story.
Thank you for another excellent story.
May your angel watch over you, always!
Wow what an ending. I enjoyed reading this story. Twelve is a hard age to take a parents death. This is a haunting story yet so well written it could be truth.
Death is hard for anyone to accept. This brought back haunting memories of my own mothers death. Though not suicide the after haunting in the mind can be so realistic even knowing it isnt real.
(I leave correction of spelling and grammar up to those who know these things. Feeling and affect of story are the purpose of my reviews.)
An excellent job at conveying true to life haunting memories and scenes with realistic appeal.
Thank you for an enjoyable story, haunting as it is.
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
Very true, and yes he will help you accomplish all you wish if you allow him into your heart.
This is very good. A few typos but nothing that can't be fixed easily. I will be looking forward to reading more about your life lessons .
May your angel watch over you, always!
Cemetarykat
Nicely done at portraying the train as the escape from the city. To be entranced by a photo of the young woman and be basing the passing of time and escape tied to this woman. The golden eyes! The descriptions in this writing are very vivid and bring the scene to life. Nice Job.
The fliers and the woman's face wow a perfect word play to express the feelings.
I think the song playing through my mind is in response to the way your words twisted my mind to think, much as hearing the song and the deep voice of Josh Turner singing it. In case you don't know the song: Josh Turner "Long black train"
I enjoyed reading this, the vivid pictures in my mind gave me moments of peaceful escaping feeling.
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
Very well done. This holds interest all the way through. It starts out sounding like the "Cinderella fairy tale" type of story. Too become a whole different type of scenario. Truly a work of art in bringing several type fantasy stories under one write.
The characters are well described. The scenery is nicely done. The story can be pictured in the mind as you read. Good usage of wording. Now I am not great with spelling or grammar so will leave that to another.
Storyline itself is nicely done. I do have one question.
How did this ordinary working farm girl know what a Bukky was? Would she not have had to play some sort of word game in the beginning to know what he was called? Or maybe it is part of a game she yearns to play with other children. Maybe her siblings have spoke of them? Somewhere you need a lead in to how she knows what this fantasy being is to begin with.
An excellent childrens story. I can picture a person reading this to a young child to interest them in getting outdoors to play and being grateful for the life they have (not having to haul water, etc.),changing their voice to the different characters. This could make an excellent picture book with the right artist also.
Nicely done!
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
An interesting thought. Probably could expand on this. It seems a bit short and incomplete yet gets one to think about what this person is rambling about and why they are feeling this way.
Favorite line:
It all makes sense to him but it's still just the ramblings of a man.
The scenes move along with a gentle scary flow. A horror story that won't be forgotten soon. Anyone that has ever had realistic dreams could relate to this.
This could use a bit of work.
The moving between calling Charles Colby, Charles then Colby gets a bit confusing during the paragraph about Charles standing outside the house. Might want to choose calling him one or the other.
The journals being in the car is a bit too obvious after the conversation of her leaving like a bat out of hell that day. Might want to at least put them in a little more hidden fashion. If someone did rearend her to get her out of the way, wouldn't they have raided the car after the accident? The journals would have been obvious there. Maybe a key with a note to John of a code where they were that only the two of them would have understood. Or the journals in the house already.
That one area seems a bit unrealistic.
I do like the discription of the car and it's condition. Very realistic there.
Overall the dream scenes are very nicely done. The realistic scenes of searching the car and telling of finding the computer, notes , and house ransacked needs a little work. The police would be involved in these things , some mention of police trying to hide the governments involvement in the whole charade might enhance the story.
*Note all comments are just my opinion of course. It is your story and only you know what works the best.
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
Nicely done. Simple ryhming pattern. Nice lay out of thoughts, describing the feeling of thinking of death, regrets, and every changing moment.
I would suggest maybe a change of the last word. Unshown breaks the flow, maybe the word uknown would flow a little better. My mind instantly filled in that word as I moved down is why I say this. Unshown, is not the expected word in the mind. Though it did make me stop and thing for a bit, unshown or unknown pretty much mean same thing in this way of thinking.
Nicely done.
May your angel watch over you, always!
Cemetarykat
Wow a riveting story. Very well told and very emotional. I can only imagine the scene of his brother being shot in front of him. Knowing that if only they had reacted sooner. If only..... words that will always haunt the mother, father and brother.
The last sentence, cool, that brings to mind thoughts of the brother knowing what demons he was dealing with first hand.
A very well told story. I did see a couple spelling errors. Might do another spell check. Otherwise Awesome job!
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
A real Christmas tale from the heart. I liked this alot. Something seemed missing though.
Ava didn't get to give a christmas gift. Then she was the one that started the chain I suppose. A complicated little tail but a true childrens christmas story.
No apparent grammar or spelling problems.
Thank you for sharing this heart warming little tale.
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
A very amusing tale. Detailed discriptions of each individuals snoring. I love it! Nicely done.
I find no apparent spelling or grammar errors. The narrator does an excellent job of describing each individuals sleeping habits and their affects on others in the household.
favorite line: I shudder to think of it and often consider whether I should alert the military, lest they detect him and mistake his snoring for an act of terrorism.
Perfect!
Apology unneccesary here, for my family joins the cacaphone of nightly noises. Starting generations back.
Though the talent of talking while snoring I must hand that to my man. Imagination can run wild wondering what he is dreaming about as he sends his subliminal messages with each purr from his mouth. I've seen cows across the road go find new locations to spend their night, far from our abode.
Snore on!
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
A excellent story and good use of the prompts.
Very scary and graphic portrayal of the vetrinarian.
The poor man waiting at home for his gal to come back with the cat though!
This will have me having nightmares about vetrinarians I know. LOL! I could actually picture this one taking place in a few vetrinarians offices I have worked in over the years.
Only one comment on spelling or grammar. Looks like a word just left out.
*empty seat across him.
empty seat across (from) him.
Nice job.
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
One thing confused me and I had to reread a few times.
The following paragraph is either not punctuated correctly leading the reader to believe that the poem is written by Lisa Lansing. Or it is just the way I read it.
You may want to read as a reader. I am not good with punctuation and spelling. Yet, I had to reread three or four times to fully understand; the police believe the kidnapper wrote this not Lisa.
You might want to find a way to clarify that a little more in the beginning. Then it could be, this is just an excerpt. Such things are not so apparent when reading the entire book.
Write On!
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
*A typewritten poem entitled "Prince", discovered seven feet from a diary allegedly written in handwriting identified as that of Lisa Lansing, reported missing and now considered a possible kidnap victim or deceased.
(suggested only:)
A type written poem entitled "Prince", was discovered at the scene. It laid seven feet from the diary police allege was written by Lisa Lansing. Whom is reported missing, now considered a possible kidnap victim.
This paragraph is confusing but I believe that is because of the previous paragraph of confusion identified to you above.
*As Sergeant Goldman wrote in his profile of the author of the poem to Fort Worth detectives, "Whoever wrote this is no prince. He's not even a frog. But, oddly I am reminded of the time when, as a twelve-year old, I reached with my hand to grab a bayou frog, only to discover a moccasin laying in wait, one that bit me right on the arm. While this poem was certainly written with an evil hand, and appears to be something revealing, it also feels like a trap. It has many layers."
Some could be punctuation here too. As I ask myself. Whom is reminded of being a 12 year old here. The sergeant or is this Dr. William Flaggs' own statement added for the benefit of the jury? Maybe splitting this paragraph up it wouldn't be so confusing to the reader.
Of course these are just suggestions from the readers point of view.
I do appreciate you putting this story up even just in sections. I will be reading the other suggested pertaining material. If I haven't already!
This has many apparent misspellings and odd usage of grammar. I would suggest the use of the spell checker.
Very short, tells little, needs more substance. Why should this concern us? What here will the reader want to know. Is there more to the legend. I am assuming this is ledgend as you state, "they say".
It could be an interesting story with more detail. Hope you build on this.
Though I have enjoyed the Lisa Lansing story. This doesn't seem to tell much. I would be interested how the police thought this held clues to her disappearance?
I do not normally review poems. Just came to see if it was a new chapter. Keeping a close eye to read more of this story.
An interesting poem. I just don't see how the title fits the poem itself.
*I, who loved the wind and missed it so.
I don't believe a coma is neccesary here. The word who is just repetitive to the I. I tells who already.
*Sated, soon it passes and I'll seek others, this I know.
I believe this should be two lines.
Sated,soon it passes.
I'll seek others,this I know.
Just my opinions!
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
This is an interesting write. To see the music of nature around you while surrounded by others and the cacaphone of voices. Excellent wording to describe the picture of a class walk.
The word (I) should always be capatalized.
New sentences should also start with capitalization, I find several instances where this is not done.
A spell check would not hurt, this would also catch the Capitalization problems.
Nice wording just needs a little work on presentation.
Write on!
Cemetarykat
May your angel watch over you, always!
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