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76
76
Review of Scroll Life  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Scroll regular or not, I'm a fan of this poem. Many find it hard to get an acrostic poem to flow. The writer must be diligent both in content and keeping an eye on the that first letter in the line. Now--to "acrosticize" the first AND last letter--? Wow.

Not only did you achieve the mechanical elements of the dare, but you wove an entertaining and humorous story in the offing.

I am quite impressed, and I quite enjoyed. Nice way to start the morning.

--Jeff Meyer
77
77
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Pam,

The guy who wasn't there hooked me completely. Then you ended it! Forshame! I really liked the possibilities of this piece. You have set up a physical scene quite quickly and effectively; likewise, you have created an emotional and psychological landscape that has many directions for the story to follow: deja vu; lost love; what she has faked until she made it...

While the story is obviously far from complete, this is a great start.

Fun teaser!

** Image ID #2106790 Unavailable **

--Jeff Meyer
78
78
Review of Change of weather  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is evocative! This could be many periods of time and many different places in the world. I am puzzled by "miniature winter," as I cannot understand the context of that phrase.

Reminiscent of Bob Seger's Miami, this poem stands as a universal anthem for the expectation and anticipation of immigrants and migrants the world over.

The title and repeated phrase--"change of weather"--was particularly effective and evocative.

Very well-written!

** Image ID #2106790 Unavailable **

--Jeff Meyer
79
79
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Maria,

This was a great read, because of the everyday within it. So much pain and sadness that is casually inflicted and suffered. Walking separately was the key to me in this story; an excellent demonstrative example of two people in the same space being anything but together. Crossing the equator at night was another great example, and tied the ending to the beginning nicely.

I would offer one suggestion, as I am wont to do. Have you considered offering this as prose? There is a fair amount that could be trimmed off without losing the feeling, the broken heart of the piece. Fewer articles and extraneous adjectives might actually give the story more impact.

Just a thought, and it is quite good as-is. Good job capturing reality with painful accuracy.

** Image ID #2106790 Unavailable **

--Jeff Meyer
80
80
Review of The Plea  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Peter,

I am reminded at once of two other poems: one I wrote a long time ago and has sadly been lost, whose "chorus" was "ever seeking, never finding--what to do, what to do..."; and "The Superstitious Ghost," by Alan Guiterman (https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-superstitious-...).

The tongue-in-cheek tone is fun, but hides a frustration that is all-too-real.

Mechanically, I would suggest that you pick a line structure and stick to it. Your first stanza is a fairly classic structure, and I feel it would serve the rest of the poem as well; also, it would appear shorter on paper, and thus (for many of us) more inviting.

Fun little read, sir.

** Image ID #2106790 Unavailable **

--Jeff Meyer
81
81
Review of Metamorphosis  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Ann,

First, let me say that my comments and suggestions are only ever intended to help; never to hurt.

I found this to be a shotgun of writing styles: a wide blast that leaves marks all over the place.
{UL
  • As a narrative, the theme is too loosely presented; I found it very hard to follow the thread of the story.

  • As prose, there are far too many unnecessary words and phrases.

  • As poetry, there is too little organization of thought, and too much overhead.


    • Pretty brutal, huh? Well, it's not meant to be. I grew up listening to a heavy metal group called Warrior Soul. They had something to say, man; but they should have chosen punk for their vehicle to say it, as opposed to heavy metal. The audience is different and more receptive to what they had to say. Finding the vehicle for your words is just as important here. How I read poetry is different than how I read prose, or narrative fiction. It's a different mindset.

    Remembering that this is just one reader's opinion, I wold encourage you to take a close look at this piece and determine the style of writing that is best for its presentation.

    ** Image ID #2106790 Unavailable **

    --Jeff Meyer
    82
    82
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (4.0)
    Jasib:

    This is a tender and touching tribute to the intensity of family love. It also highlights the courage that it takes to say goodbye, to let go--and how willing we are to find that courage for those we love. I'm not too proud to admit that I got a lump in my throat toward the end. Good job.

    I have to point out something for you to correct, though. I find this error again and again with authors recently: tense agreement. You start in present tense--She does, she goes, she says. However, after your character asks the couple at the coffee shop if they can direct her to the park, you switch to past tense--She went, she did, she said. You must maintain tense agreement throughout your story.

    Here's a couple of suggestions for you to take with you, as well. Maybe you want to apply them to this story, maybe to future writing. (Heck, they're just suggestions; you can throw them in the lake, if you want! *Wink*):
  • Give the girl a name. It allows you to refer to her throughout the story as something other than "the girl" or "she." Also, we name the things we love. Giving your character a name makes her human, and enables the reader to more easily empathize with her.

  • Prune the story. I think there is a lot said in your text that does not need to be stated explicitly. A good example is the last line of your story. My opinion is that that line is not necessary because it is already stated in the title. Before I read the last line, I had already thought: "Ah! This girl had to search for the fondest memory she and her mother had shared to offer as a last good-bye. Clever way to refer back to the title!" Then you stated the same thing, in your last line.

    Let the reader do some of the work; when the reader has to infer what is coming next or why a character did something, it engenders a sense of interactivity with the writer. It also makes the reader feel a little smarter, a little more important when they can figure something out on their own.

  • Mechanics, mechanics, mechanics. Improper punctuation, omitted words, and misplaced modifiers (not to mention tense agreement!) are demons we allfight as writers. It's not uncommon to find those same mistakes in the very reviews I write for people! But we have to get a handle on them. I suggest you ask a friend or colleague to help you proofread your work. Look at the edits that are made, and truly absorb them. Then apply the concepts to future writing.


    • I enjoyed this story. I applaud the suspense you built and the beautiful ending. The suggestions and critiques I offer are intended to encourage you to grow and broaden as a writer--never to insult or offend. I hope this has helped you in at least some small way.

    ** Image ID #2106790 Unavailable **

    --Jeff Meyer
    83
    83
    Review of The Dream Sublime  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
    Keaton:

    I'll be up front with you: this ran way too long for me. I could have just skipped it and not offered a review, except for two things: 1) I'm a self-important jerk who believes everyone wants to hear from me (just kidding...kind of); and 2) it's a actually a pretty good theme!

    The repetition of "Faster kitten" was the anchor for me. I wonder though, if you were addressing someone--in which case it would be: Faster, Kitten. It makes more sense to me that way, but I didn't write it.

    The overall theme of a man recognizing that he is not a good man would hit home with most people, I think. We are all beasts, and only our intellect allows us to keep our heads above the sewage of our most primal urges. I give you a lot of credit fro writing from this perspective.

    The last 7 lines are a great summation, but I think you could have told this story with half the text you used; and as a reader, I would have preferred fewer line breaks. I know the line breaks provide pacing, but with such short lines, I did not feel that the line breaks paced this poem well.

    Poor Kitten.

    --Jeff Meyer
    84
    84
    Review of The Cave  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
    The mystery is strongly evocative. I am left wondering at what these two entities are. Ostensibly, they are two people--but the subtext is so detailed that there has to be another explanation.

    Not fully understanding a story can often leave a reader feeling let down, unresolved. In cases like this piece, however, the reader is left thinking, pondering. That is very GOOD writing--writing should always make people think. This kind of interpretive piece can also be very inspiring, acting almost as a template for another writer to use a similar setting with different characters or character types to tell a very different story. (I know the idea is on me right now to do just that!) Making me think and inspiring me? Kudos!

    Now, all that having been said, you have a few mechanical errors--a word left out here and there, some punctuation errors. However, your most egregious offense is tense disagreement. You start the first paragraph in past tense, then switch into present tense mid-though. You go back and forth from past tense to present tense frequently. I would respectfully suggest you stick with past tense. Either way--pick one tense and stick with it.

    I really enjoyed this mysterious and ambiguous story. Nice way to start the morning.

    --Jeff Meyer
    85
    85
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: ASR | (4.0)
    I recently came home from a failed attempt to emigrate to Ireland. The failure was mine; I just plain misunderstood some very fundamental things--no fault of Ireland at all. The people there were wonderful, for the most part.

    But I came away with a different feeling than your poem--which was very well written. The sparseness of it DID remind me of Ireland in a certain way. The content was--to me--more the myth than the reality. But there is NOTHING wrong with that. Finding strength in it brevity, this poem was quite lovely.

    --Jeff Meyer

    PS: To offer you a view of my perspective, perhaps you will enjoy the following few lines. --JM

    The now struggles to be born again
    From a past that has died,
    Still bound tight to every heart--
    An anchor against drift,
    An anchor against growth.

    New over old:
    Tin on stone
    On history.

    Family first--
    Some old ways are best.

    Walled tight against progress,
    In all this beauty
    Nowhere to go.
    86
    86
    Review of Malaco Malone  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
    Nice story! With your main concern about the writing being your terminology, I'd say you were about 95% accurate.

    I thought the story had great flow; the detective was perfectly flawed, especially for one of my fellow-Americans. I'll check your portfolio for more stories with this guy in them. If you don't have any, this would make a great cast for a collection of similar stories. Kind fo reminded me of Ed McBain with more personality.

    Thoroughly enjoyed.

    (Also, I am following up with an emailing containing in-depth thoughts and comments on places where your terminology could be tweaked a little.)

    --Jeff Meyer
    87
    87
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (3.5)
    I was was caught by the title, and enjoyed the basis of your poem. "Wow, damned by faint praise." Well, not really. It didn't blow my socks off...but it could have.

    The concept, at its base, is strong. In my own opinion, you have two things working against your delivery: it's too wordy and/or too un-structured. --And this coming from a guy who eschews structure, anymore.

    I like the first verse. It reminds me of one of my favorite short stories--"The Sailor Boy's Tale" by Isak Dinesen. The wind-up cattle are a nice image, but anachronistic of the time-dimension of the verse. The wheelchair-bound man beetling on the lawn was my favorite image--excellent metaphor there.

    I would suggest pruning this down to eliminate unnecessary words. I have found--and this is just me--that bolting a poem like this to a structured rhyme and meter, then pruning those lines can leave behind exactly what you meant to say, without leaving any fat on the bone. Anyway, suggestions, suggestions.

    One final note, though. As the pigeon flew--and especially when it knew it must rest--I felt it was going to transcend the physical world into the spiritual/metaphysical. I was actually looking forward to it, as it would have been a grand twist at the end. That's not what the author had in mind, I understand. But it ,might be an idea for you to fool around with and see how you like it.

    Neat concept, and quite thought-provoking. Looking forward to more of your work.

    --Jeff Meyer
    88
    88
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (4.0)
    CP:

    I'll reiterate my thoughts from chapter 3: you write Stephen a lot better than Jessica. But I respect you all the more fro tackling the challenge of writing her character--you will develop as a writer more form the challenge of Jessica than the routine of Stephen.

    Now, for how the chapter hit me. I won't go so far as to say it was boring...but it was close. To be constructive, I will say there was a lot of overhead. A lot of qualification and explanation. I understand the need to explain Jessica's need to prevent being manipulated by Hannah's conversation. In fact, you are drawing a direct contrast between her and her father, and setting us up (I think) for a point when the daughter becomes more mature in some way than the father. A classical student-surpassing-teacher scenario (also taking place with Emilio, under slightly different auspices). As much as I applaud the direction and intelligence of this, the writing of it is cumbersome and...well...boring. (Coming from a guy who just gave you a 5-page dissertation on the three pages of Chapter Two, that might sound a little hypocritical, I know.) In short, I would suggest you try to say more with the dialog and less with the narrative exposition. And this may seem random, but the dialog about the photography seemed like wasted print, at this point. Unless Hannah is going to do something important with her photography later on, the details you provided here are extraneous.

    I had a big problem with Jessica in this chapter. In Chapter 2, she was introspective to the point of painful silence. Now, she is using such bold slang as "For Shizz." She is so much bolder--so much more verbose in this chapter that she seems like a different person.

    Again, I protest your method narrating the simultaneous events. Instead of beginning each character at the same time, perhaps Jessica could remember her morning's events as she chats with Hannah, or even recall them to herself on the train (giving her something to do on the train would actually leave her there long enough to offer more continuity to her travel, and give you an opportunity to emphasize how quick she got to where she was going by cutting her off mid-thought). Changing how you describe the adjacent timelines just adds a little more variety and texture to the narrative.

    I will say, Jessica's letter was written in the perfect language for a high school student. Not perfect grammar, and a little rough at the edges. Good job there. But some of the gaps in her education (not having any clue what spina bifada is, for instance) is jarring against this line, as you wrote it: "Which was probably due to the fact that both girls came from educated families with a long line of academics that had paved the way for them throughout the last centuries."

    Oh--one big thing I noticed. A young single woman in the US is Miss, or Ms. (Ms. is usually used for a young adult single woman.) Mrs. specifically refers to a woman who is or has been married. Jessica would absolutely NOT be referred to as "Mrs. Hill;" only "Miss Hill."

    I notice there is no Chapter 5 yet. Stop what you are doing and write more for me. Now. *Wink*

    Looking forward to your next chapter, sir, very much.

    --Jeff Meyer
    89
    89
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (4.0)
    An excellent portrait of a man emotionally treading water. The depression and confusion inside him is bubbling to the surface. As a sufferer of depression myself, I see him coming apart very soon, and I applaud how you are setting it up. Similarly--and again, as someone who is much like Mr. Hill in this way--I am actually afraid to read his eventual breakdown. You have written the character so well that his eroding mental state is almost too realistic for me to be comfortable reading it.

    That's some damn good writing, there.

    I will offer, on a constructive note, that I am finding the scenes inside Stephen's head much more natural and organic than the scenes in Jessica's head. Maybe that's because I'm not a depressed adolescent girl; maybe it's the writing--not sure. But I hope it is a valuable observation for you.

    One other comment, actually--Give us just a little as to why Hill feels humiliated by the way he was "handled" by the Provost. Give it to us from his own perspective--just a couple more sentences regarding how he feels used, manipulated, herded. I get the point, and I see what you mean...I think. Make me sure.

    That's it this time around, for the review. I'm still hooked, brother. Good job.

    --Jeff Meyer

    P.S.: I read your bio and found you are from Germany, not the UK. Also, you mentioned a concern (in a different email) that your idioms and colloquialisms are geocentric to Europe and Germany. You are right; they are. You might find the writing of Stephen King or Ed McBain to be a great guide to idiomatic writing. King's introductions and commentaries, in particular, are written in casual idiomatic language. McBain is a bit dated and stylized, but still natural and very American (for better or worse). --JM
    90
    90
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (4.5)
    While I am still very interested in where the overall story goes, I found this chapter much less engaging than the first. Because I like the story, I'm going to list my "problems" with this chapter.

    Before I go into detail, though, let me reiterate that I only offer this level detail out of respect for the writer and enjoyment of the story. This is supposed to be constructive and encouraging. Any offense is unintentional. Please...do not make any voodoo dolls in my likeness.

  • First things first--the first few words. I physically grimaced at "At about the same time…" Why…? Because it was too easy. Instead of leading me to the conclusion that what I just read (or was about to read) happened contemporaneously with the previous chapter, you just dropped it on me. I struggle a little to find the exact words, but the closest I can come is this: it lacks eloquence, and feels very rough-draft-ish. What would I propose? Tell me about Jessica's day--but don't give me her last name. You defined her character very well; in fact, I would draw the conclusion that father and daughter share an hereditary ADHD disorder, or perhaps even a depressive disorder. Having drawn her character such, I would have had a faint hint that these two characters shared a connection. I would propose further that Jessica enters the lobby of her building and passes a mailbox, perhaps, with "Hill-Floor 6" on it--defining the familial connection, but indirectly--SHOWING us, not telling us. Perhaps, later on, she hears her father mutter something deprecating about Amanda as he closes the front door behind him. Then we would know that the events we just read in these two chapters happened on the same day. Furthermore, this demonstrates a behavioral trend in Stephen Hill to discount the abilities and feelings of young women--after which we are able to even more intuitively understand his troubled relationship with his daughter. "Well, damn, Jeff. Wanna just rewrite my story for me?" Not really; I know that was a mouthful (keyboardful?), but I wanted you to understand that get the basis of what you are saying, but I think your writing ability is strong enough to paint with finer brushstrokes.

  • Vocabulary. I would guess (and it is a game of mine to do just this) that you are from the UK. Words like "queued" and "flat" are my clues. However, American kids have a different cadence, an entirely different patois, if you will. The dialog between the two girls sounded distinctly British, and nothing like one would hear in Queens, NY. I have no specific suggestions here except to go back and see if you can make the dialog more authentic to the setting.

  • Descriptions. I'll use your description of the Sailor Moon ("the toon with the boom that makes me think the wrong thing") show. Similar to my first point, this is just too damn tell-y (no pun intended). It's wordy and tedious. I am going to be so bold as to offer an alternate version of this paragraph--no disrespect intended, I just want to illustrate my point.
    In her room, Jessica flung her backpack into the corner, closed the door, and threw herself on the bed. Grabbing the remote control from the bedside table, she switched on Cartoon Network just in time for the opening credits of Sailor Moon. Jessica immediately immersed herself in the world of a girl named Usagi Tsukino, aka Bunny--a clumsy little middle-school student in Minato, Tokyo. (American viewers knew Usagi as Serena; why the name was changed for the Western World, Jessica could never figure out.) One day Serena met a talking black cat, Luna, who gave Serena a magical token--a brooch by which Usagi/Serena becomes the titular character, Sailor Moon, a pretty guardian destined to save Earth from the forces of evil. Jessica identified with the main character because Usagi was such an imperfect character in her real life, yet imbued with hidden talents and powers that would only show in an alternate world. Jessica secretly believed to be very much like Usagi: underestimated by everyone in her own world, but soon to be a star in some parallel universe. The only problem was that Jessica hadn’t managed to find her ‘alternate universe’ yet. Instead, she was stuck in an apartment in Queens, New York, with a father who never saw her for what she really was: a bright, talented, beautiful teenage girl.
    The differences are subtle, but my version contains fewer qualifying statements. There is more subjective perspective (from the character's mentality) than objective perspective (from the author's and reader's minds). To me, this give the character depth, feeling, emotion, and reality. One might even consider drawing a visual parallel between Jessica (who just might be on the verge of tears in her loneliness) and the shininess of the eyes of the Manga characters she draws so adeptly.
    And bear in mind that this was just an example, not the only instance to which this item applies. Throughout this chapter, I think you have many opportunities to put us into Jessica's shoes, rather than describing what it is like to be in them.

  • Your capitalization lapses, primarily when referring to the characters of the television show. As a reader, a Sailor Scout makes much more sense to me, in this context, than a sailor scout.

  • This one could be negligible, but I would use a different font plus indentation during the text conversation. It helps change the context for the reader.

    • Now. There was a lot in this chapter that I did like, very much. Here's a few of them:
  • Your exposition on the mentality of mediocrity and how it is perceived (and ignored) by the education system was spot-on. Social commentary within fiction is essential--an umbilicus between the writer, the reader, and the world-at-large.

  • The awkward conclusion of the cafeteria encounter was nicely recounted. Those of us who are introverts understand completely.

  • Accuracy of setting. It's another thing I like to do with stories--I checked your geography of Queens and found that the streets and the train line were correct. It makes me comfortable when fictitious things take place in factual places. (James Michener wrote Space;
    • and while it was a good book, it drove me crazy that he created a whole fictitious state in America while the rest of the story is steeped in historical fact.)
  • “I’m hooome”, Jessica parroted him silently, protected by the closed door and the darkness in her room. I saw it. SAW it. I even mimed along with it. 100% accurate and natural.

  • The near-remorse and reclusive loneliness portrayed in the last two paragraphs is very accurate for an adolescent. And it engenders an empathy in the reader for Dad (who we now know is Stephen Hill), giving us hope that feels the same helpless emotional entropy.

    • Whew! That's not a review; it's an Inquisition!! Again, no offense is intended. All commentary is out of respect and encouragement. And an attempt to make you and the rest of the planet more like me. Which as is it should be. World without end. Amen. *Wink*

    Seriously, I am enthusiastic about this story, and I hope it shows. I will visit subsequent chapters very soon.

    Thank you for such a good read today. I needed it.

    --Jeff Meyer
    91
    91
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (5.0)
    I'm hooked. I'm coming back for the next chapter, and soon.

    The first section was well-paced, and ended with a closure that was really an opener: "His Ex wife had said it. Nine years ago." How tantalizing!

    I find that everyday introductions (like yours) are a good lead-in to conflict/action. This chapter defines a comfortable and recognizable world that the reader can easily access, even with no experience in French. Likewise, Stephen Hill is not unlike any of us--and especially similar to those of us who have an ADHD-type personality: constantly distracted or bemused by whatever is not in front of us. Identifiable and understandable and realistic.

    Ending the chapter as you did, with everything being a distraction, everyone distracted, no one focused, truly sets up your next chapters as the things on which the reader should focus. It's an excellent example of subconscious contrast. We have a setting, we readers, but the setting is like a familiar road that we often drive while thinking about other things: familiar, but peripheral in the extreme, without detail and utterly unworthy of comment. Thus, as I said in the beginning, I am firmly established in your world, and ready to focus on the real story.

    I will offer only two suggestions.
  • The first is so minor as to be almost inconsequential. “What in particular is it that you would like to know?” I had to read this sentence a few times to accept the cadence of it. It seems more natural to phrase it as such: “What is it, in particular, that you would like to know?” Or even just “What, in particular, would like to know?” See--so minor, it's nit-picking. But the story is worth looking at this closely.

  • The second item is simply formatting. I suggest a blank line between each paragraph. You have done this in some places, and it is preferable. Studies have shown that readers are less fatigued and more focused the higher the whitespace-to-print ratio. Personally, I find space between paragraphs to make a story more accessible to me at first glance.


    • This was a great chapter, and I am eagerly going to look around for the next. Bravo! (I wish I knew some French to throw in there for effect, but since I don't, you'll just have to translate 'Bravo' into French for yourself. *Wink*)

    --Jeff Meyer
    92
    92
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (2.5)
    Oh, KB. This is a logical, passionate, and topical submission. It really deserves a mechanical overhaul. You have spelling mistakes, punctuation errors, and have committed atrocities against grammar that could endanger your immortal soul.

    All of that having been said, your thoughts are coherent, your point valid, and your message important.

    I strongly encourage you to revamp this so it is easier to read, and presents itself with the credibility it deserves.

    (The errors are why I am giving it a low rating; not the content.)

    --Jeff Meyer
    93
    93
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (3.5)
    Hmm... I really wanted to like this piece more.

    "Gee, that's kind of a mean way to start a review." I know, but I don't really mean it that way. My problem is that it read so much like a paragraph in a standardized test. "Now answer the following questions about the paragraph above..." That's actually kind of a good thing, I guess.

    For me, this started off very interesting; I liked the detail about the door being the one to pay for the man's frustration. And naming the guy NC for nuisance was very telling! I liked it a lot!

    But after he went inside, the story took a very moralistic, straight-line route to the end, with little detail to keep my interest.

    Depending on your audience, this is either a polished piece or one that needs work. For someone looking for a casual read for entertainment, this could use some more action or drama or even personality. But if this was actually presented as an academic reading comprehension piece, I think it would be nearly perfect.

    It's a mixed review, I know. I hope I have offered something of value here.

    --Jeff Meyer
    94
    94
    Review of Frozen  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (4.0)
    MJ:

    The tone of this poem is familiar to me. It is similar to much of what I have written, and not very different from a lot of the music I have listened to over the years.

    However, the speaker taking responsibility in the last line IS a sharp difference. I was not expecting that, and it jarred me into reading the whole thing again. The first read was from the viewpoint of sadness and loss; the second time through, witht he context of that last line, it was more from a "f**k off and die" viewpoint.

    Here's a funny observation: the second line strongly evoked that Abba song "Our Last Summer" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoyNlVQbUPc, right around the 3:20 mark). That's neither good nor bad, just a funny note.

    A couple of items that could be good or bad. I have used "bile" a lot, and seen/heard it used a lot. I'm not sure if it is overused at this point, but the reference and context of it felt very...familiar.

    Also, your tense moved from past to present in the first line. Should the first verb have been in the present tense as well? I'm not sure on this one, because of the subtle differences in connotation. The way it is written, man, the love is G O N E; bringing that first verb into the present tense means there is still some love lingering, even if only a little. Mechanically, however, with the piece being so short, this one verb being the only one in past perfect tense can cause the reader to stumble a little.

    Anyway, great piece. Glad I stumbled on it.

    ...That last line... Nice!

    Jeff Meyer
    95
    95
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (3.5)
    Javed:

    This inspired me to write a flash yesterday ("Invalid Item" ). I appreciate the inspiration.

    The reason I didn't first leave a review is that I needed to digest this a little more--and that, I think, is a positive comment.

    Overall, I am captivated by this scene. In my mind, I see a combination of three things: "The Last of the Mohicans," "Avatar," and something--anything, really-- by Hemmingway.

    There are a lot mechanical problems in the writing, though. From sentence fragments to word omission, spelling errors to tense disagreement, the problems run a wide spectrum. If you'd like me to, I can take this offline, so to speak, and mark it up with editorial notes to show you what I mean. (No gift points needed or anything like that; it's just what I enjoy doing for my peers.)

    Overall the kernel of this piece is riveting, the back story mysterious and inviting, no matter how dark. I would love to see a revised edition of this story, as well as reading another installment, if one exists. But I have to leave my rating at 3.5 stars due to the errors mentioned; sorry.

    --Jeff Meyer
    96
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    Review of It was the 50's  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (4.5)
    That was awesome. I could see every moment of it. My great grand-mother used to do that with the windows--she'd open them around dawn, then close them up real early to keep it cool. The house was like a cave, but it worked.

    I loved this little vignette. No hair on the hair-lip was a perfect touch--that stood out to me, and I wanted to mention it.

    I'd like to identify a couple spots to focus on where you might be able to improve, too.

    In the third paragraph, you are referring to two females, and refer to them both as "she" in the same sentence. I was able to follow along, but you might want to use one of their names in that last sentence.

    After Ben pulls the weeds in the grass, fifteen minutes elapses. Perhaps putting a break-mark, like several hyphens or something, would tell the reader to pause, because the story is pausing.

    Aside form those two very minor items, I thought this was positively perfect.
    97
    97
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (3.0)
    History is set on a stupid-loop, it seems. You capture the repetition of war very well here, and remind us that we have the wisdom to stop the cycle...if we will only listen.

    Mechanically, I found some flaws with this poem. First, the meter that is established (somewhat) in the first 4 to 6 lines falters badly after that. Perhaps line breaks are all that's missing, I'm not sure. Similarly, the rhyme scheme. Now I have moved away from rhyme and meter as a poet, myself. And sometimes I will use them just so I can break the rules suddenly at the end of the poem, for emphasis. In this case, the poem just seems to kind of fall apart, structurally. As a reader (for ME at least), I get the feeling that the writer had difficulty structuring the thoughts, and thus what I AM reading is not exactly wha tthe writer intended.

    Now that's all so much interpretation by just one guy. It is hoped that this is encouraging and helpful. Please take no offense.

    --Jeff Meyer.
    98
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    Review of What Love Is  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (5.0)
    The last stanza was beautiful, tying the rest together quite prettily.

    I really can't think of anything i would change. This is succinct, complete, and very true. I wish I could help--but you don't need any!

    Thanks for sharing this with us!

    --Jeff Meyer
    99
    99
    Review of I am The River  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (5.0)
    BOOM!

    I could leave this review at that one word. This is TIGHT, MJ! Not one word too many or too few. "I am the river, not the water." This is a very spiritual piece for me. It is such a combination of thoughtful and faithful.

    This will be shared, today, my friend.

    EXCELLENT work. I wouldn't change a thing.

    --Jeff Meyer
    100
    100
    Review of L'aura del Campo  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
    Man. That first one really stands out and screams to me. You have a knack for hiding the basic kernel of each scene in one sentence. "Every night he still perishes before dawn." My heart broke at that, and I felt the truth like a hammer-blow. The simile of the dirty dishes was excellent, as well. It meshed the philosophical with the everyday mundane with finality.

    The second etude was equally painful, and the third a fantastically philosophical observation of art. I've previously commented on the fourth.

    That first one, though. Wow. This is powerful writing.

    --Jeff Meyer
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