I do like this poem and the imagery it evokes, the idea that what you are can't be directly determined by the shadow you leave. I do have a few things to suggest that might make the reading of the poem a little more fluid. I would suggest replacing "beings"in the fourth line of the fourth stanza with "things", the fewer syllables in the word things makes it fit better when reading the poem out loud. I would also suggest using the word "the" instead of your when referring to the shadow as the opposite of the reader. Those are just personal suggestions though. This is a great poem. Keep writing.
I quite like the plot of this novella. It has a nice message and clear direction. The fantasy elements were well thought out and not overused, which is something that can detract from the plot. One thing I would suggest is to use a little less dialogue to move the story along. Most people think to themselves, rather than say what their thinking out loud. Try to "show not tell" elements of the story to make it flow better. Another thing is just text related; generally the first words of dialogue are capitalized. Keep writing.
This poem really doesn't hold back from letting people know that blindly following society is stupid and I totally agree with that. It sings out to those who don't mindlessly obey the conformity that society calls for and challenges those that do, to try listening to their own minds. It's quite inspirational. The only problem I had, is the lack of punctuation in a few parts made me read a line wrong, which upset the cadence of the poem briefly. But using punctuation in poetry is a personal choice and the poem is just fine without it. Keep writing!
I love the idea behind this short story! It gives an interesting new look at the fundamental laws of our universe. I like the way the second being gave everything a twist to shows the negative effects of those fundamental laws. The only thing that I think would make this story flow a little better would be to swap the pronouns used for Khaliq. Instead of typing he/she or some variation, you could use the pronoun they because it's gender neutral when used for a singular being. He/she is just a little harder to read than one set pronoun like they. Other than that, this short story is wonderful. Keep writing!
I like the idea of this story and where it is going. It has great potential and the characters are really vivid and easy to imagine. The only thing that might need a little work is the way you introduce some of the science fiction elements, it's a little choppy at times but I think that's to be expected when writing something that defers from reality so greatly. Anyway, I'm looking forward to read the next chapter. Keep writing!
I really enjoyed this story. I think what made it so good was the fact that it's so realistic. I can imagine waking up in a few years and there being computer implants for peoples brains. I like that even though it's so technology based you made the main character less enthusiastic about the new advancements. I was a little wordy in a few places where I thought a few less words would convey the message better, but overall it was wonderful. I hope to read any of your other writing at some point in time.
I liked the added element of voodoo to the story. It can give information and foreshadowing, without needing a whole lot of backstory. It's also an important part of New Orleans culture. I have to be honest and say that the sentence in the first paragraph about Elizabeth having her baby confused me a bit. I had to reread it about four times until I really understood it. other than that this chapter was great.
I haven't said it yet, but I love your eye for detail. You include all the little things that really make the story realistic and believable in it's set time period. While Charles is thinking about charming the family in paragraph three you're missing either a period or a comma in the fourth sentence. I'm still reading excitedly.
There is something rather creepy about the fiance and I just can't put my finger on it, hopefully I find out later. I'm eagerly waiting for the man with the green eyes to reappear. Just a small thing in paragraph six, while talking about the earrings you put in the word hide and hid was probably the word you meant to type. On to the next chapter!
Nice. To be honest I was expecting her to try and force them to get information. Interesting plot twist with the reason behind their soon to be adventure. I find it interesting that no one has found the aliens yet if they have been there for a while but I'm sure there is a reason for that. I'm still looking forward to reading more.
I liked this chapter a lot. There's a touch of adventure with suspicion and a slight amount of soon to be treachery. I was a little confused about the names for a second, especially towards the end but it all made sense after a little bit of thinking. I like your system of naming, having the characters not really have names but nicknames. It's interesting how you hint at some of the reason why she hates her father and then you just give her another reason without sharing the original reason. I'm eagerly anticipating reading the next chapter.
Tis story is awesome. The plot is unique, the characters are interesting and the writing is spectacular. I really like how you created a story in space with aliens and still kept things fairly realistic, especially the names. I also like how you have a female protagonist that isn't extraordinarily beautiful. It makes the characters easier to relate to. The only thing I think would make this better is a little more sensory detail. I can't wait to continue reading!
This chapter was entertaining because of the different dynamics of each of the characters, especially the sisters. Your development of Crystal's character is interesting to read and easy to understand. However in paragraph eight, you use the word barley and I think you really meant to use the word barely, in describing one of the sisters personalities. I'm definitely going to continue reading this fascinating story.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chase13
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 11:43am on May 08, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "