'pettifoggers' it was worth reading for this word alone! I am off to look this up right now!
A great poem, funny yet with a message. I think that's the best kind.
As with most comic poems the strongest part is the rhyming used, some of it is truly fantasic here. I won't give much away but one couplet ends: 'rubber-gloved you.' Genius indeed.
I'm not all that up on the technicalities of poetry but I can honestly say I enjoyed reading every bit of this, I can't really ask for more than that.
I had to give a good review in case you sued me, luckily you totally justify the rating.
The funeral seems very realistically portrayed. I like the way the main character thinks things that are true but that people believe they shouldn't think at a funeral. The way the minister is portrayed displays this especially well. Why is it that no matter what a person says about someone while they are alive they only ever have something glowing to say about them when they are gone? It seems insulting to me, a point well made in your story.
Your final section creates some wonderful imagry and it rounds things off nicely. It provides a good change of pace and emotion from the rest of the story, well done.
Just spotted one tiny error: 'The ground she stood on refused to that [let] her fly.'
Very well written. I loved the way it dived straight in to the middle of a conversation.
'What single word best describes you?' Is really one of those annoying questions that people think will get an interesting answer but usually doesn't, see also 'What would you do if you won the lottery? and 'If you were an animal what would you be and why?' You have answered the question well here and I was really quite anxious to find out what the one word was at the end, it's a wonder I didn't just glance down a line or two to see, luckily the writing kept me engrossed enough that I didn't even think of this! Well done.
This is a pretty funny story. I like the use of language which provides the narrator's voice, it really creates a certain accent in the reader's mind.
I did just notice one thing:'like Matt Dillon and John Wayne squaring off' I really can't imagine Matt Dillon being that great in a stand off with anyone, let alone John wayne, even if Matt is 'the kinda guy who likes to shoot from the hip'!
I was going to give this a four until I reached the ending! Brilliant.
This story is very well written, it really captures the inocence, excitement and sense of discovery a young child has when they take their first hike in the countryside. There is good use of detail and everything is so realistically described it is quite lovely.
Thanks for a great story with a little more than it first appears.
John, the groom in the tale, is a miser. This aspect of his character is made clear in great detail during the story and actually makes him quite unlikeable. The reader has to wonder what Mary saw in him in the first place!
The wedding is also described in lovely detail, whilst I haven't gone through the experience myself the writing really seems to capture the slow pace, trepidations and pride of such a day. This is well done.
As events take a turn for the bizarre the writing changes pace really capturing the chaos and confusion. I particularly liked the rhythm of the weird guy's speech towards the end, almost like a prayer or chant. I've never thought of bowling as a kind of eternal damnation but I guess it could be!
'Had he know [known] the real costs he would never have committed his deadly sin.'
'began her pace, he [her] eyes latched on John'
'The man extended his short stubby fingers stained brown like they had never seen soap. John extended his hand and gave the man’s hand a quick shake,' There is repetitian here that is not necessary. I would change the second line to 'John shook the offered hand' or something, just to add variety and keep the flow going.
The story is well crafted and well paced. The ending is strange and I'm sure this was the intension. One thing, I would describe John as stingy or miserly rather than especially greedy. Perhaps greedy with money.
This is quite an affecting piece. Autumn is such a great time of year to base this kind of descriptive writing in and you capture it well. I especially liked your use of the word confetti to describe the leaves. Great Juxtaposition.
Juxtaposion is used again later in the story to compare the people in the plane to dead leaves. This is quite a poignant comparison. It really captures something. Good work.
'A violent sandstorm of bodies' is another example of great imagery, the reader can really imagine this swirling mass of bodies as the air rages through the cabin.
One thing I did notice in the line: 'One of the last things I can remember was Dad holding tight on to Clayton’s wrist as he was being sucked towards the gash.' it is a little unclear whether it is Clayton or the narrator's father who is being 'sucked towards the gash'. I think you could do something here to improve this and make it a little clearer.
Aside from the minor hiccup I mentioned above the story reads well and conjures up some great images for the reader. Good luck in the contest.
Well your title and description certainly catch the eye, very blunt. It is an interesting premise for a story.
The story seems to deal a little with irrational fear and misconceptions. Firstly the fear of catching AIDs in an unlikely manner, secondly the fear of rejection or alienation as a result of catching said disease and thirdly the misconception of the types of people who contract it. I think this was the most interesting part of the story and should perhaps be brought even more to the fore.
In the end this story lacks something for me. I'm not entirely sure what but the way everything, just about (ignoring the inevitable death), seems to turn out alright in the end just doesn't seem to ring true with the topic you are dealing with. This piece may work better if made slightly longer to allow more development on Megan's father's position and attitudes for example or perhaps more on Randa's parents and Megan's quest to reunite them with their daughter.
Spelling/Grammar:
I noticed a number of instances in the story where 'some where' is spelt as two words, should this be one word i.e. somewhere? There was also a lot of repetitian of the word some, and some where during the scenes where Megan confronts her father, this really hampered the dialogue. Examples:'in some hospital some where', 'some island some where, some where far away from the clean people' see what I mean?
'you looked past my stubbornness and [saw] seen the real me.'
With a little polishing there could be something quite special here. Good effort but just a bit more required.
This is a very short and effective piece dealing with the aftermath of an abusive marriage. It uses good, simple language to describe the short temr and long term effects of the abuse allowing the reader to truly sympathise with the character. In this way we can also share her relief as the shroud of fear is removed.
'violet bruises' & 'crimson handprints' = good use of colour to enhance the imagery
The very last line is the best, don't want to quote it here and ruin it, it's very good so all go and look!
Didn't see any spelling/grammer errors and can't suggest any improvements.
"She was the Cleopatra of the Southwest who extracted her tribute from her devoted subjects" Again some great lines, the building of Violet Blue's character (Great choice of name) is very, very well done. It rolls through the stripper cliches and comes out fresh on the other side.
'From his experience, Jake did not find strippers to be any more neurotic, mentally unstable, or worse drivers than the rest of the female population in Oklahoma' Very funny line, contains much truth, sorry ladies.
The story is shaping up really nicely by this point. Though the reader has seen the character Jake develop and also witnessed the introduction of Violet we have learned little more of the events leading up to this point. The mystery continues - good, tension building stuff.
Spelling etc.:'Not even if it was Violet Blue [,]or so he claimed'
'with a strippers' either shange to stripper or remove 'a' from this sentence.
I would say part 2 is a marginal improvement on part one, perhaps due to the addition of a new character and the variety this adds. I am hooked and am now off to read part 3. 1 suggestion add a link to the next section at the end of each chapter, see writing ml for instruction (just type {item:item number here} and it will look like this: "Invalid Item"
There is great mystery and build up as your main character (Jake) waits for the police to show up. The reader has no idea what has happened and can only read on in the hope of finding out. The oldest trick in the writing book but still a good one and done well here.
First impressions of the antagonist? Seems a foul mouthed man of simple tastes: Pick-up trucks, beer and Jerry Seinfeld. He has a level of underlying malevolence which begins to surface at the end of this instalment, I am interested to see where both the character and the story go from here.
"One gas station, one Safeway's, one Bank of America, one bar, and one man. All abandoned." This is a great line. "he cursed the useless TV set and Jerry Seinfeld." Another great line. There are more examples, I won't list them all. I also like the realistic use of 'bad' language in this piece, always good to see.
A few small corrections: 'which he hadn't used watched since' remove either used or watched from this line, I would remove used.
'and save himself [him] from'
First off a quick warning, not my rules I have to add (please see my essay "Invalid Item" ) I spotted a couple of 'key' words which straight off bump this up from 13+. Officially it can't be 18+ either as writing.com rules say only one of the 'key' word in this rating bracket. So you need to rate this GC, unfair I know but don't want you getting in trouble.
'the bubbly brunette said, trying to look as serious as she possibly could' nice piece of observational writing here.
Good bit of tension building while the main protagonist is in the boys locker room. I think this was probably the best section of the story.
The ending was nice, if perhaps a little predictable.
I saw a review offering you corrections for your spelling etc. so I don't need to cover that.
Over all this was a fairly gripping read which raised a smile in places. Nothing too heavy, just a nice story. Nice style, some nice touches.
Giving up your name for three days? That's pretty weak. I don't see that being too hard or having too much effect on you. Unless your name disappeared and after three days when you got your name back it was no good because all the banks and your mortgage company and all the rest no longer had record of your name, then it could get interesting. Did these people think of that?
Give up your house. Challenge yourself. Imagine just being homeless for three days. I think that would change a person.
This story has an interesting concept wrapped up in it. To be honest it is difficult to review without giving away the ending to the story. It reminds me some what of a certain John Cusack movie, which I won't name because it would give away the story or the movie.
I liked much of the language used, especially in the paragraph introducing Andrew: 'He was a charmer, an Iguana looking for a Chinoa flower.' I have no idea what a Chinoa flower is nor why an iguana would be looking for one - I presume to eat - but the line just sounds great some how.
i did notice some missed punctuation for instance: 'At the dinner table Andrew was as usual spilling his guts out about his achievements' I think would read a little better as: 'At the dinner table Andrew was, as usual, spilling his guts out about his achievements'. Some of the other sentences were a little long and could be broken up just to provide more flow to the story. In particular the dinner table scene becomes a little confusing with all the names appearing in a concentrated burst, although this could have been intentional in the context of the story.
In the end I found the final twist difficult to fit into the context of the Motel but I can see the effect the writer was going for.
This is a good story, some of the descriptive sections could use a little tidying and tightening but other than that it is very originally presented. Well done and keep up the good work.
This stands out for me as the strongest item in Bob's folio. The structure seems to be there for this poem, but it is let down a little by the spelling (I had to take half a point off for the spelling). The rhyming doesn't seem too forced, my personal favourite line is 'apples keep on falling and 2+3 is 5'.
I'll just note a couple of the spelling errors.
Line 1: crumbl should be crumble
Line 2: dont should be don't
Line 14: there should be their.
I really enjoyed this short piece. It is very easy for the reader to imagine themselves sitting in the train. I think it is important to the story that it happens in such an everyday setting.
The message of the story is refreshing. It left me asking myself if there should even have been anything special about the event, he was just a person after all.
'The point is that even if you don’t believe in God, even if you walk around denying any links between you and God, he's still there he watches watching over us.'
It seems fact is being confused with belief here. It is a fact Bob believes god is watching him and everyone else, it is not meanwhile a fact that god is doing so.
I'm prepared to let people believe what they want, ludicrous as these beliefs may seem to me. However can I, or anyone else, really encompass every person on this earth with their beliefs? I really hope not because, well, some of the beliefs people out there hold are pretty scary.
'Why don't you believe in god?' Who have you been asking this question to? Those are pretty weak answers I will agree, I'll share a little of my own answer, hopefully including a stronger argument. I don't believe in the Mass religious image/projection of god because I view major religion as an outdated and superstitious means of controlling people. Not only this but much of the bible for instance is undermined by scientific discovery which has, I believe, far more supporting evidence than say the world being created in 7 days. I find it quite hypocritical that people now mock the views of scientology (yeah I mock the too) as ridiculous when I perceive that Christianity would meat with similar scepticism if their ideas were mooted today. So maybe there is some great spiritual force that unites us all but I don't think it will be found hidden in any sexist, racist and outdated books. Why do people need to be 'taught' religion/spirituality? If it is real it is the most natural thing and would never need to be taught.
You really need to spell check your work, ironically you have misspelt the word Catholic. I'm off to spell check my review now so I don't look like a tool.
Wow, wow, WOW. I am temporarily lost for words, other than wow obviously. This is such a touching and beautiful story - I can barely believe it came from Kev, I'm kidding of course.
This piece takes me right back to that very same school. What a great insight you have created into the perceptions we have of ourselves and others here.
It works really well the way you have woven the songs into the thread of your story. The poetry of the ending bringing the story from nostalgic to current events: genius. Let's all keep hoping for that happy ending.
Wow, this is great writing. I don't mean in a technical sense - I don't really know much about poetry in that respect - but in the sentiment of the piece and the emotion it conveys it is perfect.
There is sorrow at the loss and joy at the memories all compacted into these short lines. Well Done. I guess most of us can only hope never to be in a position to write something like this, though many of us will reach that road at some stage. Thank You for sharing it.
It feels slightly wrong to point out a mistake here but in the second verse you have missed an e in the word never.
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