This sure was an interesting read. It’s quite philosophical.
Whilst it deals with the thoughts and emotions of a pregnant woman many of her emotions can be related with by anyone reading.
There are many long words in the piece but you use them well, not letting them hamper the beauty I your writing: ‘vivacity and vitality’, ‘sublime subconscious’. Alliteration was just one of the techniques used to do so. I think this was important as you were communicating big ideas which could lose a reader if the writing did not hold their attention.
You finish up with a great epiphany moment there.
Suggestions
'especiallly when you were mutating' You got an extra L in especially there.
That's excellent. Great job with the dialogue only thing, like how you fitted some of their actions into the speech to bring more to the story: 'Your hands are pretty cold', subtly done.
The two characters are very distinct too, important since there is no labelling of the dialogue (obviously). The banter between the two leads is very entertaining and, dare I say, original. A really fun read. Eric seems like a loveable idiot/loser and Dantes is as you would expect him to be (don't want to give away the story though).
Loved the ending too. Comedy, spliced with mystery, mixed up with horror.
Didn't spot any errors, I nearly wrote horrors there, I must stop with the puns, they will get me into trouble. Top marks.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
The first thing I noticed was that you didn't actually use the prompt/start of the story for this finish the story piece. Therefore I'm not sure you'll be eligible in thecontest, but I'll review anyway.
I enjoyed this piece. It's a great slice of secret agent fiction. The story is action packed and you made good use of characterisation to make the agent seem more human.
You maintained the pace well, building a nice sense of mystery in places. I liked the ending, it seems no one can be trusted.
I didn't spot any errors. You kept the language and style simple and direct, this suited the piece well.
Overall an entertaining yarn. Good work.
The next round of the contest is an open round, so there will be no prompt. Pieces up to 1000 words are welcome, hope to see you return for that one.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1158535 by Not Available.
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Good work there fitting in not only a twis ending but a twist ending in the form of a pun. This must be saluted, especially when you fit it into such a compact piece.
You kept the language simple and drew the reader into your ruse quite nicely.
Your other pun was quite fitting - a pun about a pun contest, submitted to a pun contest, very clever. I have heard that one before though.
Overall a good effort, all in the name of pun. I'll just be waiting for those other 8 puns you mention, that's two of the 'no pun in ten did' out the way after all.
‘Dad stumbling home drunk as a skunk, reeking of cheap whiskey and stale scotch.’ Liked this sentence, nice rhyming and ‘stale scotch’ has a harsh sound which fits the subject matter well.
I found this an interesting read. I liked the structure of it. It was almost song-like in its application: you have three inter-linked verses with a mini chorus thing between them.
The three colours you chose provide striking imagery throughout the piece. You link each of them in well with the themes and events described.
Morgana seems to have a rather distressing existence. She is beaten and persecuted on a daily basis, usually by those who should protect her such as her family or the police. The harsh colours tie in well with this, there are no pastel shades or pretty pinks for Morgana.
You also cover the issue of bullying and labelling common in schools. Morgana has failed in life’s struggle to ‘fit in’ and she pays a heavy price for it.
The white section is interesting, as if Morgana is ascending to a better place, towards the light maybe. She is freed from the red and black of her life.
Overall you have done something different with this piece, turning an all-too-common story into something quite bold, startling and original. Great stuff.
Suggestions
‘the police cruiser that follows her all the way home, never stopping yet watching.’ I’d put a hyphen or semi-colon after home and a comma before yet. I’d maybe also change it to ‘yet always watching’ to give a contrast with ‘never stopping’.
An original little piece this one. The situation is very realistic and you described it well. You set the scene well with the description of 'dappled sunlight'and scattered leaves. Sounds like a nice day to walk the dog, Lexus had other plans though.
Both dog and owner are well characterised in the story. Thedog is mischievious and you can tell that Debbie wants to really hate him, but she can't. You made good use of some gentle humour too. I liked the line 'She tried tempting him, bribing him; she even tried to introduce him to the concept of blackmail.' It captures the way people treat dogs, they will try to talk to them, treat them like another human being almost.
Your ending tied in well. I didn't even see it coming, despite the obviou clue.
Thanks for a refreshing little read. I didn't spot any errors.
This is a fun piece for all those who don't think babies are so cute. That's me. I say babies meaning other people's babies, I'm sure mine will be quite a different story if I ever have one. It's so annoying when people bring their precious spawn into work. Anyway, rant over.
The style of this piece is pretty original. There is a subtle seam of dark humour running through it. The ending is pretty sadistic, but I liked it, in a way.
I enjoyed the story and you captured the anxiety of the babies 'victim' very well.
Good job.
Suggestions:
'spitting up-just a little' when using a hyphen in this way - i.e. in place of brackets or commas - I would place a space between said hyphen and the surrounding words. This is because with no space it looks like you are hyphenating the words like you might in 25 year-old. See?
'it’s mom is watching' should be its.
'on it’s face' its again.
You used some odd punctuation elsewhere in the piece too, for instance:
'came crashing down with a loud:
-THUMP'
I would change this to 'came crashing down with a loud THUMP' as the line is clumsy to read at present.
I'm a big fan of this type of story. Frightened people runnign through the night from some unseen horror is a very effective way of creating an impression of fear and mystery. Good stuff.
You worked well using the above style. I liked how the mystery wasn't really solved as the pursuers are described only as 'Boogie men'. This leaves the reader to use their own imagination a little. Fun.
You make good use of description and create a real sense of the urgency in Thomas' flight.
I enjoyed this.
You haven't given this story a rating, I think 13+ would probably be suitable for it. I'm not sure how the piece being unrated affects people being able to view the item as my account is set to 'show all ratings'. This may explain why it has no ratings despite being on the site for almost two years.
Suggestions:
A few slip ups:
'the rain that had just past' that should be passed.
'the street light shined down on him' should be shone.
'that he should fall in the only light working' I think under would be better here than 'in'. He didn't fall in the street light itself, but the light it cast. The sentence refers to the 'light working'.
'the sound of fleshing ripping off the bone' flesh.
What a funny little twist at the end. I liked this one. It seemed to leave the reader with a message about ignoring the horrors around you.
I liked the subtle link at the end between god and the supernatural. I thought this piece was very clever and understated. You packed a lot in for such a short item.
A brief but interesting story. I thought this was ver well executed. One of the things I liked most was the lack of wasted word. Each one seems carefully considered and positioned.
The idea, too, is quite destinctive. A man experiences a moment of madness as he considers the carnage he could reap with a knife. You make good use of imagery in the piece. The thoughts of the man seem very realistic some how.
I found this to be a thought provoking read. Nice job. I didn't spot any mistakes either.
I'm reviewing this as part of the Writer's League Port Raid thingy.
The description for this one drew me in, seemed like an interesting premise.
You pack in a lot here. The rhythm of the words helps this, hmm, I may call it a rant, read very well. The language and vitriol carries the reader along. I could feel your anger as I read it. Very effective.
'Fast food, fast cars, pay at the pump with no line,
More bars, faster dial-up connection, precooked,
Pre used, pre shrunk, prerecorded, and overlooked'
The above section stood out for me. I liked the links you made between the consumer goods here. Convenience at any cost.
I liked the overall style of this piece. It reads well and your point is clearly made. I think a lot of people feel a similar set of emotions to this at one time or other. These factors combine to make this very easy to relate to. Great job.
Suggestions
'But, yet, they’re part' but and yet have the same meaning here, use one or the other. Maybe use 'And yet' to keep your flow or whatever you want to call it.
'A troubled free year' that should be 'trouble free year'.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #115385 by Not Available.
First of all I'll just tip you off that you have an extra space in your bitem link so it looks like this: {bitem: 115385}. Thanks for plugging the contest in your entry, helps us grab more potential contestants, I hope.
Now, on with the proper review.
A delightful tale of old friends. This is something a little different than I would normally choose to read but I enjoyed it none the less. The pace here is quite gentle, reflecting the relaxed journey the two friends are taking. The little run through of the topics of conversation was very effective, showing that these two are lifelong friends. The conversation ranges from light hearted chat about an old TV show to deep conversations about a recent divorce. This added a realistic touch, this is just the way two close friends would spend a day travelling.
The blanket part of the story seems to be just one of those random events that might occur on a long drive. I found this to be, again, quite realistic and I liked how you used it to show human kindness and honesty at work.
Overall this was a sweet and gentle tale. I didn't spot any errors whilst reading. The scenario was very easy to picture. Good stuff.
What a funny little skit. I liked this one. It reads like it's all true, these things all really happened. I think they did at least.
The conversational/anecdotal style works well here. Each little mishap is easy to envision, especially the 'six-foot splash of modern art for all to admire'. We've all seen or had experieneces like this, just not as many as you it seems.
The piece is filled with innocence. The child narrator speaks in a very simple manner. Suddenly, at the last minute, we find that the kid is not so innocent and he sees exactly what is going on.
This piece could definitely benefit from being a little longer. The ending in particular seems a bit rushed. I found this to detract from the realism of the piece. If we learned a little more of the mother’s problems and how she over came them I think it would greatly improve this item.
I liked the way you started this piece. You give some good detail surrounding the location and the events leading up to the break in. The details made this seem fairly realistic and made interesting reading. A good start then.
The house seems quite ominous as it is described, Little Bobby doesn't seem to think so though as he pokes around the rooms inside. The tension eases nicely upwards, then something happens, I'll not give it away for other readers. You build the mystery quite nicely, I am intriguied.
'Fear like he had never known before, gripped him with steel fingers.' I liked this line, it imediately shows Bobby's horror.
Pretty creepy stuff at the end there.
Overall this was an enthralling and entertainig read.
Suggestions:
'He tried to setup' I think that should be 'sit up'
'struggle but, the ropes held him fast' I'd move the comma to before the but and the same in the next sentence too. Saw this a few more times, especially in the 'tube' scene.
This is an odd one. There was some great imagery and nice use of detail in the piece. The ending was strangely uplifting, considering.
As a piece of emotive writing this is very good. It's very atmospheric.
I've read very similar pieces to this around the site before, this one is well written and more powerful than some of the others.
Not the most original or ground breaking story but it does offer the reader something. Not quite sure exactly what it offers, but something. I liked it. Good stuff.
I certainly wouldn't call this depressing. It is a bit too surreal for that. It shows great imagination but maintains a strong emotional depth. I think this might be my favourite piece I've read of yours.
The description and detail here are spot on for the piece. The whole thing is very dark and maybe a little crazy.
You certainly went out there with the prompt, I doubt they would expecting anything like this.
The narrator’s voice is very strong, providing the description I mentioned previously. She does just enough to become genuinely likeable without over powering the rest of the story. Great job.
A very original story, maybe not in concept but certainly in delivery. I can recommend this to anyone, as long as they’re not overly sensitive. Who’s got time for overly sensitive people anyway?
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
What an original use of the prompt. This piece has a little of the feel of 1984 to it, though is quite different from that story.
The style is very effective, it is as if the reader is the intended recipient of the letter. The facts are revealed to the reader just as they would be to the captive in your tale. A clever technique.
You also leave the reader with more questions than answers, in this case this effect worked well.
Overall this was an enjoyable read. I liked the originality of the tale and the non-standard fromat of its delivery.
What a wonderful little story. Thoroughly enjoyed this one.
The piece demonstrates great use of imagination in describing both Dr Finkerstang's downfall and his attempts at redemption. There are so many nice little touches of humour in the piece, I don't want to give any away though so I'll leave readers to discover for themselves.
The style of comedy here may be described as silly, excellent, it's good to see a bit of sillyness about the place.
I also found the pice to be quite original, despite featuring the cliched mad scientist in his hollow mountain lair.
Overall a fun little read, perfect in terms of what it offers the reader. Thanks for brightening up my lunch break.
Suggestions:
'He couldn't bare the feeling' That would be the wrong 'bear'.
I liked this. It's something a little differnt, but also something easy to relate to.
Here we witness the eternal conflict that is a man trying to get to sleep against the loud buzzing of a fly in the room. Of course, all attempts to silence the insect proove fruitless.
I liked your clever use of lanuguage early on in the piece: 'he hovered within the limbo', 'the body embedded in reality'. Nice wordplay/interplay here between the themes of the story. The man 'hovers' near sleep just as the fly hovers into the room. Great stuff.
You created the irritating fly effect very well with the sudden, harsh 'Bzzz, Bzzz' sections. These really contrasted against the peaceful language of the drowsey man. Until he got annoyed.
Overall this was a very entertaining read. Also quite a unique piece. Bzzz, Bzzz, Bzzz.
I liked this one. It starts off pretty funny with the kids demanding a whole loaf of bread to feed a lizard. Now I thought this was a little strange, but I imagine parents get used to this kind of thing.
The story rolls along quite nicely and the ending is highly amusing. What a great image, kids feeding bread to a..... How I did laugh.
There is probably a serious undertone here about the innocence of choldren and being aware of what your children are doing to ensure their safety, but I was too busy laughing to notice.
I spotted this one as recommended in Kiya's review pool. It looked intriguing, so, here I am.
What an interesting and honest account. Good use of self depricating humour too.
It's always good to see things from another angle. So, ladies like to look too? Who'da thunk it? This fact is highlighted by your confession of driving past construction sites to oggle the workmen. As the cliche goes - they should be oggling the passing women, not the other way around!
The piece is light hearted and well written. I enjoyed the read.
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