'peddle-powered machines' good use of alliteration.
'I have never once heard them vying for who was the smartest.' Amusing piece of characterisation here.
Your description of the start is very effective. It is easy to picture and a nice detail adding their sister drawing the starting line. Her use of pink chalk contrast against their machismo.
The race becomes quite exciting. The section where Jon is gaining on Billy has a real urgency to it and a sense of danger.
The ending is very funny.
Overall this was something a little different. Good use of the prompt and your own imagination. The characters were believable. The events were amusing. The story well told. Great job.
Suggestions
Spotted a few corrections for you:
'the tracks hair-pen curves' that should be: 'the track's hairpin bends'
'as fast as they possible could' possibly.
'The oldest, Ray, who was also the biggest[,] tried to pass him' needs another comma after biggest.
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For this round contestants were asked to write a story of the same event from two different perspectives. The round is open until the 20th of August so pop by for a look.
______________
You were very quick with your entry this time but this is certainly no rush job. It shows that you carried out some research before writing this brace of stories.
You create two very distinctive voices for your two narrators. I think the innocence of the child and the military terms employed by the soldier really helped to achieve this effect. You also did a good job of capturing the tension and fear of war from the two angles. For the soldier I think you may have touched upon the reason some of these atrocities happen. Good work.
The fact that this piece is based on an actual event in the Vietnam War gives it that little extra oomph, especially when you see images or read about it, as you can here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Lai_Massacre
It is actually disgusting what took place, I don’t think this was an isolated event either. It’s just astounding what extreme situations will do to a person by the looks of this. Horrible.
Having read the above article the soldier in your piece almost looks like one of the good guys! Jesus!
You make good use of the facts, helping to add detail to the story. Such as the fact the platoon involved had been there for 1 month without engaging the enemy and you specify the regiment of the NLF they are hunting for.
Your story is very emotive. It makes the reader think, not least because these events actually took place.
I didn’t spot any mistakes, other than the grammar used by the soldier, but that’s because he is talking like people talk and not how their supposed to write, so that’s ok.
Oh, I liked your inclusion of a glossary and some links at the end. A real help for the reader.
I like your opening paragraph, you create an image of this place on the other side of the world that is so easy for me to picture. Good use of describing different senses and also good use of colour.
The introduction of Rebman is also very effective, the narrator shares what knowledge they have learned in the brief time they have known the Sergeant, the reader knows what the narrator knows. It seems every story about the war in 'Nam' must have a bad egg such as Rebman, let's see if he really is as bad as legend has it...
'in this field of mud and ashes' I liked this, very good imagery, especially with the contrast of the soldiers standing to attention against this mess.
I liked the way the doubt in the narrator's voice contrasted The Butcher's short sentences. The doubt and aprehension made the narrator appear human next to The Butcher, who seems almost robotic at times. Good stuff.
I liked your ending, a real puzzler for the reader.
One part of the story I found a little weak was the soldiar who is 'just married'. I found this to be a little cliche and it was obvious from his very first word that he was going to perish. Also his death didn't really send much of a shock wave to the narrator, he carrys on calmly describing and analysing events in the same way he has throughout the story. Perhaps you could try to give his voice more confusion, more anger at this point. Not sure how to avoid the cliche though, as it is a key plot device here...
Overall this was a very engaging read. Well written, with very few mistakes. Keep up the good work.
Suggestions
In paragraph 2 you have used 'singlehandedly' this should be 'single-handedly', I checked google and answers.com and it does not exist as a single word according to them.
'We walked for a few hours' a tiny suggestion here, I would go for a more descriptive word than walked, trudged maybe.
'especially under the Butcher.' 'the' should have a capital letter too, it's part of his name. Did I see this more than once in the story, I can't remember, need to check. Yup, saw it a few times.
The imagery of the opening paragraph is very good. It lends the story a dream-like air.
I liked the repetition of this line: 'The depths of all deceit and decadence demonstrated before my disbelieving eyes and disembodied heart.' Great use of alliteration there, almost like a chorus within the story. It heightened the sense of 'what goes around comes around' where the narrator turns out to be just as bad as her ex husband.
Didn't spot any errors or posible improvements. Great stuff.
You're right, that is a bad day. The reader sympathhises with your character, some of these things happen to us all at some stage.
One thing about this piece is that it is very repetetive 'I did this, I did that' all the way through. Try to vary your sentencing a little more.
Maybe include direct speech, rather than just telling us what was said. Maybe have a fireman tell him how the house blew up, did the green liquid cause this somehow? A few details could really improve this piece and set it apart.
Also you are a little short in the punctuation front, for example: 'I saw a hotel[,] so I went to get a room[,] but none were available.'
'They stopped me and picked it up and saw that it was filled with pot.' replace the first 'and' in this sentance with a comma. Try to stick to only using one 'and' in a sentence, unless you have good reason to.
This idea has potential but, at the moment, it needs some work to develop this. It could be a great story.
How could I resist a description like that? It seemed to speak straight to me from the 'completely random' selection of short stories. Good job of hooking in the reader.
Ah, I heeded your instruction, unfortunately it meant I saw through your ruse within the first quarter of the story.
Well, your tale was well spun, nicely written. Some deft touches: 'I felt my knees and my resolve weaken'. There were no spelling or grammar errors to detract from the piece.
Now, back to that double edged sword of a description: had I not seen it I would not have popped in for a read but had I not seen it I would probaly not have guessed the ending, that's right, I would have assumed. I'm going to take this as part of the meaning of the story, you meant to give it away a little, to make the reader think as they were reading rather than surprise them entirely. Good job.
I liked this one. The main character is just right, he’s a bit of an idiot, so we don’t want things to go too well for him but he also has some likeability, so we don’t want anything too nasty to happen either.
You created a great picture of the chaos that ensues as Brandon’s date takes a few unexpected turns.
The descriptions of the characters also stand out, very easy to picture. I liked that the girl who launches into the back of the car is undescribed, this is because Brandon does not really see her as he is too distracted and busy with the driving. This demonstrates good use of the first person narrative, keeping things realistic.
You kept the writing nice and simple here allowing the story and the dialogue to carry the reader along.
Overall this was a fun read. Your consistency continues to impress.
As usual I didn’t spot any mistakes in the grammar or spelling department. Good work.
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The open prompt round still has over a week to run so come and get your entries in folks.
Enough plugging, back to reviewing....
This was an enjoyable read. It has some fairy-tale connotations (in fact you mention as much in the piece), it reads like a take on 'The Ugly Duckling' though I pictured the lead character looking more like Snow White in the Disney film.
There is a message of inner beauty and triumph over adversity here.
There are also parts of the story that anyone can relate to. Namely the feelings of returning for a school reunion. What will your former classmates look like and live like now?
I liked the metaphore of the cracked mirror.
The ending is great. I wonder what the 'special thanks' will be or if it is simply a case of 'Living well is the best revenge'.
Another point I noticed is that, while the reader feels sympathy for the character’s past plight there is nothing to really make her likeable as a person. She’s sad and bitter about the past and seems grateful for what she has become but she actually appears to have become a little of what she hated at school. I felt the message here was ‘what goes around comes around’. Where the abused becomes the abuser or whatever.
Overall this was a satisfying read with a few subtle messages for the discerning reader. Good job. Oh yeah, I didn’t spot any mistakes.
This was a fun read, some nice little touches of humour and two unfinished stories.
Silhouette is definitely one of those tricky words to spell, I had to look it up. Very funny.
I liked the contrast between the story the main character is trying to write and the one they do write. This demonstrates the role mood can play in the style and content of writing.
I also liked the 'real time' nature of the story, as if the reader is seeing not only what you have just written but also a little of your thought process in getting there.
Suggestions:
Spotted a couple of things.
A few times the word 'lighting' appears, by its context I wonder if you meant 'lightning'?
You cover a great deal with this poem, introducing the characters, describing the plot. It must have been a challenge to get all this in and still make it read well.
I haven't actually seen this program but I had a read up on good-old wikipedia and you have covered most of the 'synopsis' here.
'Mammals so huge, unfathomable for error' I'm not so sure about this line, are the creatures mammals? I saw them described as 'iguana like creatures that can zap things with purple electricity' or is there more than one type of creature involved? Also 'unfathomable for error' what does that actually mean? It feels like you just used error to rhyme with terror, or am I jus being dumb?
I'm sure all the poets out there would say that this is not the most technically adept poem but I enjyed reading it and that matters more to me than how cleverly written it was. Sure some of the rhymes are a little basic but, I feel, that incorporating the plot of the show was more important than the language you were using. In this respect you have done a very good job, giving a great summary of the story.
Your author's note was quite effective for readers who might wonder why you would write a poem about a mildly obsure television show.
I didn't spot any spelling errors or such but I'm no poet so can't really comment on anything 'poety'.
What a fun little experiment. I really liked the way you ended this; or began it; no, wait, ended; hold on...What I'm trying to say is I liked the last line about the crocodile smile and closing the door.
I was prepared for this having read Time's Arrow by Martin Amis, his backwards tale is a little more difficult because he actually reversed all the conversations as well. That took some getting used to I can tell you! Like with this story, you needed to remember the end of the conversation whilst reading towards the begining, tricky stuff.
Anyway, you used the reverse action to good effect. Luckily you chose to keep the story quite simple so the reader can follow events without too much difficulty. It did make a more interesting read than if the story was written in the standard manner.
The ending and the beggining worked the best, I thought. The mid section just became a conversation in the wrong order, though still interesting.
Overall a fun read, just as it must have been fun to write. .work good the up Keep
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For anyone interested in entering, the finish the story round is open until next Sunday.
___________________________
Really liked your opening paragraph, top stuff. ;o)
Seriously though, I really enjoyed this piece. I've seen similar ideas to this dotted around the site but I felt you pulled it off very strongly, the best I've seen. You were very careful not to give away too much and to keep things strange enough to maintain the reader's interest.
The story really captures the imagination of a child. We are drawn into a fantasy world but the characters seem to be realistic at the same time.
The ending could be described as an anti-climax but it works really well in this instance. Great work.
This was a fun read, I liked the idea of the fantasy being fulfilled in every way. It also seemed that the man had, perhaps, been experiencing the same dream.
I also liked the every day nature of the main character's life up until this point, she has a job, a friend, bordom and dreams. This is a simple story that is easy for the reader to relate to.
Some of your spelling and grammar has let you down a little. I've picked out most of the ones I spotted. I also found the section in the office to not flow as nicely as the rest of the piece, there was too much 'she' and 'her' perhaps try alternative sentences, you have named your characters, use their names here.
Suggestions:
'she saw him only [in] her dreams'
'and [the] dream came to an end'
'reached twenty minutes late to the office.'Not quite right, instead try: 'reached the office twenty minutes late.'
'She knew her since she joined the office' This is confusing for the reader, try: 'Maria had known Maggie since she started at the office' It is still confusing as to who's first day is being refered to.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
This is an interesting tale, both in style and content. There is a lot of mystery and ambiguity which was left unresolved for the reader. In fact, I found the ending rather confusing. The main character appears to be a conman travelling alone in the wilds of some unknown - to the reader - time and place. He is the metaphorical Lone Wolf of the title. He has met another traveller on the road and is helping him out of fear, fear that if he does not give food etc. it will be taken by force. The mystery surrounding the two character fills the main body of the story and keeps the reader's interest.
The ending is a section, a snapshot, of dialogue which does not appear to relate clearly to anything. '...Your last chance...' Last chance to what? Perhaps I missed something.
Never the less, this was an entertaining read that kept me guessing right up to, and beyond, the final line.
Suggestions
'a road that had to be tread [travelled/traveled] with great swiftness.'
'the real danger lied within'
'his character belong[ed] to the company of either.'
I also noticed a lot of long and fractured sentences with multiple hyphens and commas. For me this is overly complicated and difficult to read, I find short, sharp sentences work better. However, this is probably just a personal preference.
An interesting tale of past glories and blaming others for your own downfall. In this case it does not matter whether or no journalists have contributed to thhe failing of the main protagonists carreer, he is clearly alcoholic which would seem to have been a major factor in his situation.
Your characterisation is quite deep and interesting for such a short piece. He appears quite grotesque in terms of his appearance, his house keepign habits and his personality.
Thanks for a great little read.
Suggestions
'she would mention about [getting/having/] the woman in to clean'
I admit it, I read this because it was short plus it was labelled '"A Letter to All" '.
To be honest this is a very personal piece, most of it will be lost on the reader as they have no idea what the 'trials and tribulations' referred to are or who the 'haters' are either. There is some doubt as to what you actually offer the reader with this piece.
The description says this piece describes the way you feel, in conclusion, it appears, you feel angry and defiant. It's good that you want to share your thoughts and feelings through this medium but I think you could elaborate more, you are, after all, trying to communicate with the reader. Are you not?
There is little to recommend this piece unless you like unimaginative swearing.
Suggestions
A few spelling mistakes to correct:
'vety [very] day'
'For yet [Yet] people always told me'
'my anget' do you mean anger or angst here?
'a bad influnce [influence] on alot [a lot] of people'
'to all those people I say ....yall [y'all]'
'squash that parti [part I] should'
'thanks for make [making] me'
'I wish all you peolpe [people]'
Stick with it, I get a sense that you have a lot to say about your experiences, this may only be a small start.
The description seemed like an interesting idea for a story, so I clicked in for a quick read.
A nice sense of intrigue is built in the first couple of paragraph. I liked your description of the egg and its strangeness.
You devoted equal time to describing the hatching, the baby and the larger animal, Perhaps you could have afforded to spend more time on the larger animal, as it is very mysterious. I liked the sense of mystery you leave the reader with but I think you still could have described the creature a bit more.
This was a fun read, something a little different. I can imagine children would enjoy this story but I found it entertaining too.
Suggestions:
'a large crack came from the hat.' Maybe change large to loud, as you seem to be describing the sound here rather than the physical crack. At least I think so and you describe seeing the crack in the next section, so it would make sense.
'Screeching[,] she disappeared into the setting sun.'
This poll really had me thinking. Normally when I go into a poll I already have a perception of what my opinion and therefore answer will be. Not in this case.
I was really torn, should I answer seriously or should I go for that novelty choice? The flying elephant was pretty tempting!
One thing that confused me. In the case of 'chocolate tree' is that a tree with chocolate growing in place of fruit or is the whole tree chocolate? I'm quite concerned as the later may fill the usual role as a dog toilet, and who would want that chocoalte then? Bleaarch!
Anyway, fun poll, made me think a little and laugh a little. Good work.
The construction of the piece is very interesting. News of death and a look back at a life are intertwined but it is clear which is the more important strand.
The formal tones of the colonal contrast Eleanor's emotional thoughts. Eleanor's husband ascends as a vision of perfection, this is the way she choses to remember him. Handsome, kind and loving.
'Friendly Fire' is such an ironic phrase. How can firing bullets be frinedly to anyone?
I think this piece really sums up much of the tragedy of conflict.
Darn it, I've been waiting for a prompt like that for one of my story ideas, don't think it would stretch to 1000 words though. I'll jus wait until next time.
A nice slice of horror you have here. I really enjoyed reading this, quite gripping and suspence filled. You also manage to squeeze in some good writing and a melodramatic woman. Good work.
The opening really stood out for me, we are thrown straing into the turmoil, wondering what has happened and what is about to happen. Good work. I especially liked the line: 'her silhouette a lonely shape against the warm glow from the kitchen.' a great image, simple in black and yellow as I see it.
This piece is reminicent of things like Jaws or Lake Placid. I liked the contrast in the way the two main characters deal with the tragedy, it seems quite realistic.
Overall I found this a thoroughly enjoyable read, nothing too demeanding, just fun. Great job.
Suggestions:
'Ellie’s shriek of terror had woken her just as quickly.' This line didn't quite fit for me, you are saying that she was awoken just as quickly as she had dozed off. Dozing off is usually a slow and peaceful experience. I am tempted to suggest 'Ellie's shriek of terror awoke her as violently as if she had drifted off at the wheel.' I think this captures the impact of the moment a little better. You should have a play around anyway.
I didn't spot anything by way of errors. Good work.
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Considering the very 'average' setting and 'normal' situation described in this story the tale is actually quite bizzare in the telling. It seemed to me that the man was going senile, or similar, but, towards the end, I wondered if there was something more, something deeper, than this. Not sure I totally 'got it' but it was interesting to read none the less.
'A boy walked into a class room – and disappeared.' I really liked this line, it captures the cliche anecdote/joke really well.
The wife's obliviousness to the man's internal conflict adds a subtle sadness to the story. It seems that he remembers only trivial matters. Your closing line really sums up this sadness very well.
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Your story crashes in in the midst of some fierce battle. Blood spattered hooves and staffs swing down upon heads. The delivery is very urgent, just as the feeling of such a battle might be. A strong opening then.
The pace carries on from the first paragraphs right through to the final flight. This makes sure the read remains quite gripping.
I liked the ending, it created the effect that this is just a snapshot, or perhaps a chapter, of a longer tale.
One aspect of your piece I found, possibly, didn't work so well in a short format like this was the mentioning of 'the Carasans'. Obviously the casual reader is going to have no point of reference for this. Perhaps they appear in other of your stories. I just felt it was something that detracted a little from your piece.
Overall this was a fun read and I didn't spot any errors.
A well written tale with a nice Brittish element to it. Not many stories with 'estates' and 'chip shops' around this site.
The reader always sympathises with a character who is facing up to a struggle in life and yu provide that well here. I also liked the way Loise found herself in trouble, it seems fairly realistic that this could happen.
As I approached the ending I felt something didn't quite add up, there just seemed to be too much of a turn round in Louise's life, luckily, all is made clear at the very last minute. Good job.
Overall this is an enjoyable story that never wanders too far into the realms of cliche.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1115385 by Not Available.
For anyone reading, the first round of the contest is open until 25th June so get your entries in for a chance at some great prizes.
I've actually read this a couple of times now, since I am trying to squeeze in a bit of covert reviewing at work, and one line has stuck in my head: 'Her heart worked like an insane anvil'. This is very strong imagery. You have incorporated a great deal of similarly strong imagery throughout the piece, this was something I hoped the prompt would allow. Good job.
The narrative pace is also very well set, it races along just as the stead in the story does. You also capture the desperation of the main character as she clings on for dear life.
The story opens with a good sense of mystery, the reader has no real idea of what is chasing or if the protagonist is just enjoying a speedy gallop through the countryside. The story develops well. Yes, she really rides like one with the apocalypse snaping at her heels.
Overall a very enjoyable piece, filled with strong imagery, and an unexpected ending. Very nice work.
You make good use of some gentle humour: 'think watching baseball was a cover for a well-deserved nap'. This is light hearted stuff that any reader can relate to.
The tal revolves around three boys who are somewhat obsessed with torturing and killing the various forms of inset life to be found around their grandparents' garden. Yes, we know it's cruel now, but when boys are young it is fun and interesting to destroy the alien looking residents of the garden. Again this is very easy for the reader to relate to.
'The sudden stop was loud and inspiring.' This line is great, it really captures the essence of adventure that the boys share. They do not have a set plan but ideas come to them as they explore. The loud noise of the barrel hitting the tree has inspired some mischief in them.
Your use of dialogue and short sentences during the negotiations for the quarter is very well done. It provides a realistic break from the descriptive paragraphs surrounding it and places the reader right there with the protagonists.
'We even managed to put a couple of delays for unknown engineering problems, and one for the weather.' Another fine use of humour in the piece. This gives your character - you - a distinct and entertaining voice in the story, good job.
'Ford Galaxy parked at the bottom of the hill.' Hillarious, it had to be a galaxy with all the space travel going on!
Overall this is a very enjoyable read. It is written in a realistic fasion to reflect the voice of the young (at the time of the events) narrator. Great work.
Suggestions
'at our grandparent's [grandparents'] house' this is plural so apostraphy goes after the s.
'I gave Eddie the best complement I ever gave him' the repetition of gave doesn't sit well here try reworking to shorten the sentence: 'I gave John my most generous complement.' Have a play around, see what ou come up with.
'Tommy[,] the reporter[,] asked the first question,'
Eddie said, "it is not easy, but if we could avoid the Old oak tree, he [I] would do it again in a minute.["] You forgot to close the inverted commas on this line. Also eddie would not refer to himself as he in the sentence, unless he really knocked his head in the barrel.
'Tommy complained, "Hey this was too fast for me. How come I had to be on the end? You don't care about me! I hurt my elbow," Tommy cried.' You have labelled this direct speech twice, lose either 'Tommy complained' or 'Tommy Cried'.
'Your [you're]are doing great.'
'Eddie [Eddie's] eyes closed'
Your story was let down slightly by some grammar and spelling errors. I have highlighted some above but there were more, similar, problems in other lines. With these kinks ironed out you have a great piece of writing on your hands.
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