You make your (brief)case well. I totally agree with your justification on why people should fill out their bio blocks. In many cases it is the only 'real' part of the member you get to know on this site. It's like putting a name to a face but in this case it puts a person to a story, if you see what I mean.
To be honest, when I first joined, I didn't bother filling mine in and because I only ever saw the 'private view' of my folio I forgot all about it. That was until I began to noticed other peoples', and those who had left theirs blank.
I feel I should mention your own bio block in this review. It was one of the first things which grabbed me on visiting your port. Firstly you have filled all available space and secondly it is so honest as you mention in this essay.
Suggestions:
'the Bio Block feature is an optional feature' perhaps lose these words, it makes for more efficient writing.
'Then[,] as time went on, I' add this comma as you are partitioning off 'additional information'.
'the items I have wrote [written]'
'as someone who enjoys doing reviews' maybe change 'doing reviews' to reviewing.
Overall you present a strong argument without sounding bossy. Some of your sentencing is a little long and comma heavy, perhaps try breaking a few of these up. The one with 'doing reviews' in it stands out as an example as it has 5 commas and 2 'ands'.
A very distinctive piece of writing shot through with interesting imagery.
To be honest I'm not sure exactly what happened in the story which makes it all the more intriguing. There seems to be some kind of abuse or crime commited against the girl but it is not clear exactly what, she might even just be drunk. It is all written in what I might describe as a dream like state. This effect is heightened when the girl is rudely awakened as 'A warm blanket is wrenched from [her]'.
Some may not like the lack of clarity in the story but for me it provides something different, a little ambiguity. A good thing. I also enjoyed the overall style of the writing, it works well in a short item like this but may prove too confusing for the reader in anything much longer.
I enjoyed this story. It has a nice air of mystery about it. It involves religion, to an extent, but is not preachy. It has a nice message for the reader, reminiscent of the film 'Pay it Forward'. A gentle tale, told in a conversational style.
It reads as if based on a true story, it is very believeable and the narrator is interesting. A well written and engaging story.
Didn't spot any errors but one thing I would suggest is adding a line between paragraphs just to make things easier on the eye.
Your narrator's voice is very distinctive, good use of accent.
The ending really supplies the whole comedy of the piece. Not much seems to be going right for the narrator, makes sense that the judge was a crook at one time. Other than that the story is well written with a few nice details. Good job.
Good luck in the
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You're certainly not the outdoor type on this evidence.
Reminds me of my girlfriend, I never get a straight answer when I suggest going camping, but I know she doesn't want to go so I keep asking. Hee hee.
I liked your last paragraph, your 'look I've been camping' paragraph.
You present your case well, in a humourous manner. Your second paragraph really sets out your stall, it really illuminates all the aspects of camping that some people love and others hate, for whatever reason.
The input from your 'pro campers' is a little weak I have to say, did none of them mention the fresh air? Did no one indicate the release of escaping the phone, the television, the car? What about the 'getting back to nature element?
Is it just me or does 'hiking' around the shops hurt your feet more than hiking on a trail?
You offer something for both your sympathisers and detractors to laugh at. Good job.
This is quite a strange tale. I like your salty sea dog character, always good to see one of them. The ending was quite amusing too, although I thought he might have a fish that was already gutted or something.
You use some good descriptions as you introduce the fishermen.
This is a good introduction to a couple of characters, it leaves the reader wondering what may happen next once they put to sea.
A couple of suggestions/corrections:
'It was all mattet [matted?]'
'What was I suppose [supposed] to say to that?'
'Let’s bury any challenges we see.' This had me laughing, gotta love word play.
This reads like a piece of observational comedy, which it is, I mean it reads like stand-up comedy. You cover just the right amount of detail to maintain the humour throughout.
Not sure about the japanese though. Aren't all their golf courses on the tops of skyscrapers?
How about 'Crazy Golf' where they lock mental patients inside the windmills and other obstacles?
How about extending the burial patch to include the carpark? You bury your loved one with a parking meter headstone, then use the proceeds to buy one of those nice plots on the green for yourself.
You have stumbled upon a world of infinite possibilities here.
A well written piece. The delivery of this story is quite strange, hiding the unexpected.
It starts out with the narrator watching a man and trying to picture what his life is like. We can tell this is something she does often.
The third to last paragraph really stands out in the story. It is a brief moment of clarity for the narrator.
For me this story offers a warning not to let life pass you by or to waste opportunities. The narrator seems to be waiting to find something and the man certainly was looking for something he didn't find in life. 'Could they have held the key for one another?' seems to be the question.
Your intro really sets the scene. It's almost as if the reader is watching the events unfold and listening in, perhaps sitting in the dark auditorium.
'ponderous engines of music.' What a wonderful description, ties in well with the line from the first paragraph: 'the sort of black one would find on a well polished black BMW 745iL'. I like this kind of subtle touch in a story. Lovely craftsmanship.
Your pacing is spot on, the pianos are not moving that fast so you have time to ease up the tension as their inevitable collision approaches. You even fit in a quick physics lesson!
You obviously know a thing or two about pianos, you incorporate facts in your descriptions very well.
I can see you have put much thought into this piece. You go into great detail as to your view of what love represents in its multiple forms (maternal, friendship, etc.). You capture it well.
This is by no means a light read. It is actually quite difficult for the reader to follow at times. The repetition of the words 'Love is...' works both for and against you. Whilst it helps tie the piece together it does lead to a feeling of repetition over the course of the essay. I don't think you do actually repeat any of your points, it is just an effect created by the continued use of 'Love is...'.
Overall you have done a good job of getting your ideas down 'on paper' so to speak, I do think you could communicate them a little better to the reader at times though. You make many pertinent points.
A couple of spelling mistakes I spotted:
'It is not contolling [controlling], bitter, nor sarcastic'
'celegrated [celebrated?] emotion'
Quite beautiful, like the heroine of your piece this story is 'slightly set apart.' there is something in your imagery that reflects the perfection of the girl's beauty. Well done. Almost nothing is described in a traditional sense, everything is brought into the foreground but nothing can match the girl. It's as if the world is viewed through different eyes.
My favourite quote from your story is: 'The neon congregation', this simply conjures a wonderful image of the lights looking up to the Ferris wheel (pulpit).
Your opening paragraph is quite striking. I feel I can relate directly to the character, Michael, just from this small section. A strong start.
The story deals with settling for mediocrity and taking the easy route, something I am guilty of and I am sure others are too.
'Now he was trapped in a life that wasn't his own.' yup, know that feeling. I am really relating to your character at this point. Good job.
'They were living the American dream' I loved the paragraph summed up by this line. It doesn't seem a sensible dream when you read it, but many people strive for just this.
Wow, what an ending, I'm a little speechless at this point. I'm not going to change the review up to this point as I wrote it as I read so it is a truer reflection of my feelings towards the piece. I did begin to suspect as I got closer to the end, but it was still quite a surprise.
A few comments/corrections:
'Michael loved his parents and wanted to do great for himself and for them.' Hmm, I don't like this line so much. The word great (which I over use all the time) doesn't quite fit here. Try using well instead of great or take out 'do great' and use succeed instead.
'offered him more money to stay with the company and keeping [keep] working'
'But atleast it was a constant income.' At least is two words.
Thanks for a thought provoking read. As for your question at the end, I don't suppose they accept Writing.com gift points?
You introduce the girl and boy (the couple) with very clear descriptions of their appearances. The piece is very descriptive, focused on the couple rather than ,for instance, their surroundings. I think this is because the story, though delivered in third person, is written from the perspective of what Mr Greene sees. The shop is very familiar to him so his focus is on the customers who are not. I liked this realistic touch. It places the reader within the story very well.
The ending creeps up on you, even as the couple make their discovery the reader is wondering what has caused their reactions. Good work.
Love your opening paragraph; we're in the Wild West tumbleweeds, dust, strangers and all.
A nice touch of humour in the second paragraph.
Quite a gentle tale. I liked that 'The Stranger' is never given a name and we learn very little about him. He didn't even get to ride off into the sunset! Darn it!
'scurrying and scattering' very realistic description of walking through crowds, this provides a strong opening paragraph.
You have a strange yet enchanting style of writing in this piece. The narrator's voice is very distinctive.
I was a little confused at the ending, are the crowd chickens and the narrator is collecting the eggs or something? I think this could be made a little clearer perhaps, or maybe I should just pay more attention.
I enjoyed your story, it offered something different.
A few suggestions:
'This to [too], adds to the noise around me'
'can be concedered [considered] friends'
'They to [too] have learned'
'hoping to be notice [noticed]'
'I have seen males strutting and displaying their bodies as if they were the King of the Coop and others that sit by the wayside like wallflowers at a dance, hoping to be notice and yet hoping to be left alone for fear of being noticed by ones that are more aggressive and seem to have the trait of jealousy for any that receive attention from a female as if they are the only one that should be noticed.' This sentence is rather on the long side, I noticed others like it in your story. Long sentences such as this make it difficult for the reader to follow, I think some of your ideas have been clouded by this. Try breaking things up a little.
'This to [too] is the way life is'
'loosing [losing] the chance'
A standard horror story, no real surprises. There is some good writing here: 'It seemed like forever, but midnight came.' is one line which stood out, simple but effective. As this is a horror/scary story I think you can afford to add to the actual horror section of the story, as it stands the horror is confined to two paragraphs at the end. You could add a scare or two earlier in the story and/or add more detail to the part where the grim discovery is made. The scary guy is portrayed well and has considerable potential. Keep up the good work.
'shaving creme [cream]'
'fortey[forty]-five minutes'
'ready for there [their] walk through the creek'
'had'nt [hadn't] locked themselves out'
'he screemed [screamed]'
'ran toward them screeming [screaming]'
'heard there [their] story'
This is great, certainly wasn't expecting that ending, even with the hint in the description.
The description you use is effective and to the point, a very smooth writing style. 'a ball of teeth and claws' is a good example of the simple imagery you employ. Well done.
Only one part I wasn't too sure of: 'his ears and body (grew and) elongated;' Just seems a little clumsy to me. should it be: 'his ears grew, his body elongated' or something like that? I'm sure you can do better.
An amusing tale. Swimming pools can be embarrassing places, something to do with being in less clothing than usual. Loved the ending (not the embarrassing part, the final line). You say you have many embarrassing moments right at the start, maybe you should share a couple more here, just to prove your status as a self proclaimed klutz, or maybe this is shameful enough for one story! ;)
As you described the dive I thought you were going to bash your nose on the bottom of the pool or something, I think you keep the reader guessing until the end. Well done.
Just one little suggestion although I'm not totally convinced I'm right:
'I was reading a romance [,]as usual.'
I don't know about my most embarrassing moment but I just nearly spelt embarrassing incorrectly in my review, despite having the word right in front of me! So that's two Rs and two Ss. Argh.
I liked this story, the terror and suspence are built up well. The ending is very funny, I sense the true horror is about to unfold! Nice work.
A couple of corrections:
'the Shadow still growing closer yet. ' still and yet serve the same purpose/effect here, I would lose 'still' but either will do.
'well-lighted [well-lit] kitchen'
I think your description gave too much away, I had it figured in the first paragraph but don't think I would have if the description didn't tell me 'all is not as it may seem.' This was a real shame because you have skillfully written the story so as not to give anything away until very near the end. It is written in such a way that it does not appear to be concealing anything, just letting the reader follow the story.
The writing is strong and well paced, you really capture the long, hot summers of childhood. The reader sympathises for the narrator and for Danny. Good work.
I didn't spot any spelling or grammar issues so the only suggestion I would really make is to change the description so the surprise isn't spoilt.
Liked your opening paragraph. Great conversational style throughout. Reminds me a little of High Fidelity with it's top 5 hardest break-ups, except we get no names here.
The use of numbers makes a very pertinant point in the story, I like the way this point was brought to conclusion in the final paragraph.
This is well written and contains, perhaps, some hard won wisdom. A tale of regret.
One little error did I spy:
'walked through me [my] door'
You squeeze a lot of imagery into this piece, obviousl since it is to be adapted to film this is very important. It is almost overwhelming. If the piece was any longer it would become quite difficult to read.
As it stands this is a beautiful piece of writing. It conjures images of some vintage scene.
Just a couple of errors, there might have been more I didn't spot.
'Every [every] movement'
'here [hear] her voice'
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