Well! You certainly caught me off guard. You're right, the beginning is a little...well, normal. But I don't know about boring because I got an immediate sense of the man and then....well, I didn't see that coming!
Then we get blindsided. The story isn't what we thought at all! Fabulous!
I want you to know, before I begin with the rest, that my suggestions are made with the best intentions at heart: to help you see with fresh eyes what can make this good story great. Hopefully you'll have other eyes to help as well.
That all said, what I'm about to suggest and comment on will act as a bit of a spoiler, so read the story first if you're interested in the twist 
So, you asked for this thing to get ripped apart. I will mention the things I saw that you might want to consider rewriting.
“Honey,” he said. “Do you know how to get to the hospital?” He turned to her, but she didn’t return his glance. She kept staring out the windshield, her face didn’t change, her eyes didn’t move.
So, there was a mere typo with "He turned to her," but then I also was jarred a bit by the last sentence. It might read better as "She kept staring out the windshield. Her face didn't change. Her eyes didn't move."
See what you think. As it stands, it almost reads as a run-on.
He was afraid, confused, and Claus phobic all at once.
I think you meant "claustrophobic" No capitalizing, one word :)
Anger said to punch one of themthe aliens
Unless you're speaking in the main character's voice, and this is how he speaks, you want to rewrite this. "Them" in this context is incorrect.
An alien approached him, allowing him a moment of opportunity for his anger. He let it build, reminding himself that what they had done to him.
Not knowing what their devices did meant he feared being caught.
Did you mean to write "Not knowing what their devices meant, he feared being caught" or "Not knowing what their devices did mean, he feared being caught"?
Either way, you need a comma before "he"
The aliens were coming up to get him and he had to get away. So He gathered his energy and started sprinting again.
But It wasn’t long before he came to another room (i}(no comma) filled with computers. The only inches of wall that weren’t covered with some sort of technology waswere the doors and a large window in the center. Out of the half dozen aliens working, only a couple noticed him at first. They didn’t react, just stared in shock. All of them eventually noticed him, and none of them did anything.
You have a bit of a wordiness problem, especially in this paragraph. Beginning sentences with "And" or "But" can be tricky, and is best avoided. I'm not saying you can't ever do it, but more than not it weakens a sentence, especially when you're dealing with tension. The same goes for the word "So." If you ever catch yourself doing this, just omit the word and read it without. If it works without it, then leave it out. Less is more. Your last sentence smelled too much like redundancy. You basically said that in the sentences before, and I thought it worked better without it entirely. See what you think.
Other words that are just filler are words like "that" "only" and "even." Watch it when you write like you speak. We're not the most well-spoken people, and it always manages to get on paper. I am still learning this as well. I've learned that running a "find" in your word processor will catch these words, and you can reread it and decide if they're necessary or not.
There was a quick decision to make; go to the computer and try and figure it out or go to the window and see what they were looking at. The window drew him near with curiosity.
First, the rule with a semi-colon is that you use it when you have two independent clauses that you want to join. You can either join it using a comma and a conjunction (and, or, so, but) or use a semi-colon in place of the conjunction.
The wordiness comes back here as well. See what you think of this:
He had to make a quick decision: attempt the computer, or see what they were looking at through the window.
Something like that *shrug*
Then you have:
The window drew him near with curiosity.
This sentence brings up another issue. You've got a lot of passive sentences here. One way to pick out a passive sentence is when you use the verb "to be" coupled with a past tense verb (Example: The wall had been painted instead of He painted the wall). Another way to know you have one is when the object of your sentence is doing the action, and not the subject. In your last sentence you have the window drawing him near with curiosity. Besides that being an awkward sentence, a little confusing, it has the window drawing him near. Instead, you could write "He drew near to the window, curious to see what he would find."
If you have a word processor, you can program it to catch whenever you write a passive sentence. I've got good ol' Word 97. Go to "tools--options--spelling and grammar tab--settings button" It's great.
Anyhow, active sentences are much stronger. The passive voice does have its place, but it should be used rarely and deliberately.
I hope this helps. I understand that you want to send this in to a publisher, and I wish you all the luck in it. With that in mind, I appreciate your wanting some killer feedback. It's great that you want to be careful and make sure it's ready to be sent in.
Good luck to you with this. I really think you've got something great here. You got my attention! And I don't even particularly enjoy such stories, but I couldn't stop reading. I had to know what the heck was going on, and THAT is the mark of a good story. Please keep working on it. It's worth it. |
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