This is very touching. That peace that true believers have when it's time to go is matched by no other. You probably don't want to change what you've got written. And I don't blame you, beings this piece is likely quite personal. But I felt the metre could be fiddled with a little in this poem to help it flow more naturally. Maybe a quick syllable count could help this poem reach out and touch more hearts. Just a thought, and I defintely love the finish.
Chris
Whoa. That's a freaky dream right there. Do you have dreams like this often. If so, you might wanna look into it. I saw one mis-spelled word. Disapear in the second sentence. Probably just a typo. Anyways, keep writing.
Seriously though, is this a real dream that you had? Just wondering.
Hello,
Great write!! Always keep having faith. From the worst moments to the best. Easier said than done at times, but don't give up. I'm sorry to hear that a loved one is sick.
The metre and rhyme are both right on in this poem. Very hard to do at times. Great job!!
Hi Babbette Francis,
This is a beautiful tribute not only to our soldiers, but to their children. This poem has touched my heart and I will say a prayer for our soldiers as well.
I have a friend who fought in Iraq. Our church prayed for him every week that he was gone. Though he'd seen some things I'm sure many wish not to see, he's back from his tour and alive. God can work everyday miracles and he still does. Keep praying.
Why 4.5? I saw two things that caught my eye. These are only meant as helpful tips and I hope that no offense is taken. First, In the third stanza I noticed you wrote, "I say a pray", rather than "prayer". I don't know if this is intentional or not, but it was a bit distracting from the point.
Secondly, The last stanza doesn't rhyme. Throughout the whole poem it rhymed very welland flowed beautifully, but the last two verses didn't rhyme with eachother. I thought just the word "tonight" on the last verse would make it rhyme without really taking away from the rhythm you've worked into the poem.
Once again, I hope you aren't offended. I only write you this comment because I like what I've read. Please keep posting works like this, as it is uplifting to see fellow christians on writing.com. (Especially christians who write so beautifully.)
Hi georgiawill,
Another perfectly formed haiku. Though I don't agree with the warning from the leaves. this is very well written and I want to say that you are extremely talented with writing haiku. Keep writing and keep posting so that others can see.
Chris
You've wowed me with the finish of this one. I must say that you are truly so very right. I wish that the people of this world could all come together and live in peace. No more wars, no more hate, just love. I know, I'm going on and on with you about God tonight. But that's also promised in the bible. I guess the bible is my garden of peace, and I want share that with the world. Another great write, Ann.
With love,
Chris
Hello,
Wow, how much time did you put into that? Excellent piece with a conclusion that I, personally, agree with. I hope your friend has seen this. Even if it doesn't necesarily seem to change his/her opinion, it likely planted a seed. Those seeds of thought are usually watered by God, and even if we may not see. One day many times will lead to someone coming to the saving knowledge of Christ. That's what we as believers are here for. Keep fighting for what you believe in. (I'm only guessing that you are a christian based on the reference to C.S. Lewis. Anyhow, take care,
Chris
Hi Georgiawill,
This is another excellent haiku. True to form with
5-7-5 structure, and a nice ending. I had to go back and re-read it, for it to kick in, but tht's probably because it's 1:30 in the morning. Anyways, keep up the great writing.
Chris
Hello Armadillo,
I hope you aren't upset by my honesty, but I greatly disagree with this piece. I will say that the rhyme scheme is not bad when it's not broken up. But the overall message largely outweighs that.
I'm not a replublican, nor am I a democrat. I choose not to vote due to the corruption of our country and it's leaders. However, this war is not only the blame of the bush/cheney administration. I agree that it has gone on much longer than it maybe should have. But what should we do, step back and watch their country crumble? We went in with a mission, the least that our country can do now is to finish what we've started. If we were to back out now, those who search for the rights that we as americans take forgranted. They would be overrun by individuals with extreme opinions and enough money to overthrow the fragile government. It would not take much right now. That's why we're still there. This is just my opinion and I hope you aren't offended by it.
Hello L.A. Powell,
This is an excellent piece of poetry. I would've been a bit confused if I didn't know it were an excerpt from a novel. That said, I don't even know exactly why, but it seemed to fit perfectly. Inellectual, yet heartfelt. I, personally, wouldn't change it. Great write, and good luck with the novel!!
Chris
Hi Georgiawill,
This is an excellent haiku. Your piece perfectly follows the classic 5-7-5 syllable stance of the genre.
Yet at the same time with such a limited amout of words you portray a great message. Keep up the great writing, you've showed your abilities very well.
Chris
Hi Fernanda,
This is a great poem. But I gotta say, don't let other people get you down. No matter where you go in life, someone will not like you, someone will think you're different in some way. That's just a fact of life. But you gotta be stronger than them and not let it get to you, as annoying and hard as it can be.
Oh, take a look at the last line, you either forgot a word, or missed a word. Anyhow, great job on this.
Hi Stormdrac,
This is a very well written, imanginative story. I especially like your use of imagery, I could picture almost everything throughout the whole story, and I almost felt like I was the one running through the dimly moonlit woods. Thanks for sharing and great work,
Chris
Great job yet again. This is quite a nice story about a kid and his imaginary friend. I like that you didn't say what the gift was until he got to the pool. Very clever to keep people wondering. I also enjoyed the finish, it's one of those heart warming finishes, great job.
Chris
Hi emarie,
Great job on this short prose. Very descriptive, I almost felt like I was standing by the cherry tree myself with the flowers tickling my nose. It's lucky I didn't start to sneeze. Anyways, great work on this. I might check out your port sometime if I get the chance.
Chris
Hi Cay,
This is nice. It's a little short though. I see that you only had 2 minutes to write it, that's pretty good for such a short amount of time. You're very good with rhythm and rhyme, but I think you could add something to this. Give it a little background now that you have that much. Or maybe you could add a second stanza of Up on top the willow or something along those lines. I like this, and it could be complete if you want it to, I just think a little more would really add to it and showcase your writing abiltiy.
Hi again,
This is very strong and provokes emotion like you said it would. The only thing I can think of to make it better is to elaborate. This seems like just an exerpt, you should give the reader some background as to what happens before this. This could make a great dramatic book if you feel like taking the time to write it. Overall, Great job. With this little piece you showcased your writing ability quite nicely.
Hi,
This is good. I've never seen a poem in that format, great job. It must have been hard to make all of the syllables and words fit while still having a hopeful message. I especially appreciated the last two or three lines, creative. Keep writing!!
Chris
Hi Norksquad,
This is a powerful piece. In the whole thing, only one problem really caught my eye. "the busy shoppers bustling about". Say that outloud once, it doesn't have quite the right rhythm for this piece. Overall, this is a great poem, I really like the finish, very powerful. KEEP WRITING!!!
Chris
Hi Megan,
Another great poem. I just have an idea for the last line. Maybe it could be "In my whole body, sparks were lit." I think that changed the metre just a bit without taking from the message. Just an idea, this si a clearly passionate poem, great job. Keep on writing.
Chris
Hi again,
Told you I'd be back again. I like the prose just a little more than the poem, though I can't say exactly why. Don't get me wrong, both are great, just liked the prose a little more. Keep writing!!!
Chris
Hi again Becky,
WOW yet again. I can see why this has a ribbon!! This should be a poem that everyone hears. It's relatable, the metre is perfect and the rhyme is perfect. Not to mention the meaning is something that every human- being can easily relate to. Thanks for posting this!!!
Chris
Hi Lean,
Last one for now. I agree, Love is one of the most important things on this planet.I don't really call it an invention though, I realize God invented it and instilled into us all, but maybe emotion would be a better word there. Overall, this piece seems heartfelt, so good job. Keep writing Lean,
Chris
P.s. Oh yeah, I hope your holidays went well and continue to in the future.
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