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26
26
Review of Untitled  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

This short beginning piece of a story as you have described it is well in content and good in style, but, though short, it contains many spelling mistakes.

Spelling and other remarks: *Idea*

'Quiet. Pure Utter silence' I suggest here that you replace the full stop between 'Quiet' and 'Pure' by a semicolon, and so 'pure' and 'utter' can start by a small letter.

'It had an eerie beauty to it, the sky was a perfect blue…', I see that it is better to replace the comma after 'beauty to it' by a semicolon.

'and the grass a glowing green', here it is better to say 'grass was a glowing green'.

'She sat on her couch and fliped', it is 'flipped'

'Masked Metropolotin' I think it is ' Masked Metropolitan'

'is going o be a mild 150 degrees' I see there is a typo here and that you've meant 'is going to be…'

'are still adviced of course'. It is 'advised'

'to wear thier maximum protection', it is written 'their'

'unless travling to', it is 'traveling'.

'you father is calling', it is 'your father'

'approched her' , it is written 'approached'.

'to a mirrior', it is 'mirror'.

'She examined herself cloesly', it is spelled 'closely'

'her pin strait brown hair' I think here you mean 'straight' not 'strait'.

'was soft and blimish', it is 'blemish'

'were naturaly arched' it needs a second l 'naturally'.

'Her lips were pouty and covered perfectly white teeth' here 'covered' refers to the lips covering the teeth, so the sentence must be ' covered perfectly her white teeth'

'that of an hour galss' it is 'glass'.

'white wife-beather and gray swaet pants', I don't know if you mean 'sweat' by 'swaet' and 'beather' is not understood here.

'droped her hair', it is 'dropped'

'she practicly', it is 'practicaly'

As overall, it is a good beginning; we are introduced gradually to the setting of the story with proper descriptions of place and the main character which is introduced early in the story.

The dialogue flows naturally and it seems a good beginning for a story but you have to pay attention to all these spelling mistakes. When spelling mistakes are many, it distracts the reader's attention from enjoying the story.

So, all you have is to pay attention to this issue and a good story will be done.

Keep it going!
27
27
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very effective piece of work.

First, some remarks and suggestions: *Idea*

'The past 6 months alone that have had two people attacked.' Ther is no need for the use of 'that' here.

'Debra was so tired she forgot to tell security', here it needs 'that' between 'tired' and 'she forgot'.

'The hand went around Debra throat and mouth so quick, she didn't have time to react.' Here you can either replace the comma between 'quick' and 'she' by a semicolon or by 'that'.

'The was an a accident' this sentence is not correct, 'the' can be this and we cannot say 'an a' this can be 'This was an accident'.

'We he walked in the room he told everyone inside to leave.' Here, 'we' should be 'when' and a comma can be placed after 'room': 'When he walked in the room, he told everyone inside to leave.'

'First I'll let you…' you can place a comma after 'first'.

'You also have some temporary paralisys.' It is 'paralysis' not 'paralisys'.

'Debra interruped him.' It is 'interrupted'.

'You were found in your house, you had been…' the comma here is better replaced by a semicolon.

'I didn't see anybody, I was given something that put me…' here it is also better to replace the comma by a semicolon and you can also say: 'I hadn't seen anybody'

'and fell alsleep', it is 'asleep'.

'was called to the nurses station', here it is 'nurses' station' as it is possessive.

'She rushed over to see a nurse point in her direction.' I think it is better to have 'point' in the continuous form ' to see a nurse pointing in her direction.'

'The man that came in tonight, is the man…' there is no need for the comma between 'tonight' and 'is the man'

'she could walk way' I think it is 'away'.

'give up her physicans license', here it is 'physicians'.

Overall, it is a very well done serial. I just have two remarks about the content that I have noticed while reading it:

First, the reaction of Debra when she knew that she 'had been raped and beaten' must have been stronger than that; she has just said:'I didn't see anybody, I was given something…' and after that, the doctor left her 'to rest now'. It was not a usual reaction for a one in her case. She must have been shocked or at least a little bit surprised when the doctor explained what happened to her.

The other thing is when the officer insisted to tell her, before she could do any help for the patient, that the patient whom she was going to save his life was the one who had raped her. I saw that this behavior was something weird. I know that in any country in the world they try their best to save the person's life even if he was a criminal. So, I see in this case that the officer should have waited till she saves his life and do her job to tell her afterward (since as it appears, she hadn't seen his face because she was unconscious). Or, to create this confusion in Debra's conscience between her painful experience and her duty, she can be made to remember anything alone, or see something that belongs to her with him that can make her know or recognize him, and hence, live that confusion.

These are just my remarks and what I've felt about it. And now and then, it is your own piece and you are free about your characters.

As a whole, it was a very interesting mysterious story. Other than the things I've pointed to before, the characters are properly introduced and the dialogue that is exchanged between them is natural and helps in understanding the actions of the story.
The introduction to the setting was strong and links the reader totally to the story's atmosphere.
The emotional mood of the poem keeps the reader on tension in the garage before and while she was taken by her criminal.
This is through a serious and mysterious tone that is effective.
The perplexity of the character strengthens the end and leaves the conclusion open for the reader, and this explained the description given for this work at the beginning and which I liked so much.

Good work! *Thumbsup*
28
28
Review of Hearing Voices  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very good short story.

First, some suggestions *Idea*

'The time came when they kept on talking and talking until I actually lose my patience.' I think here it should be 'until I actually lost my patience.'

'to see what was underneath the cottage. There was nothing but soil.' It is better to join these sentences by a semicolon instead of splitting them by a full stop, 'to see what was underneath the cottage; there was nothing but soil.'

'But, something inside me told me to dig. Something was telling me to continue.' I see that you this sentence can be better in the continuous tense: ' But something inside was telling me to dig, something was telling me to continue.'

The story includes all the elements needed for a horror/scary short story.

The setting: we are introduced properly to the setting. A hint of the place of action was given at the very beginning of the story, and then in the next paragraphs we are given detailed descriptions of the place. The time is 'five months ago' as we are told in the second paragraph.

The main character of the story is obvious from the beginning that it is the narrator speaking about a personal experience. The other characters are just mentioned to play a role in the action's occasion of the story and not in the action itself. The role they played in the story was the basic element of horror in the story but was an indirect interference.

The occasion of the horror story is introduced in a glimpse in the introduction of the story ' heard the voices on my first night there' and then 'They were whispering words…' and then we were told about it in details later.

The action ascends gradually throughout the story, reaches its peak ' when they kept on talking and talking until I actually lose my patience.' Then the falling of action came with smashing the statue where the 'voices instantly stopped.'

You have included, and in a smart way, an element of surprise presented by finding that the narrator's friend have killed all his family ' All of them had at least five knife marks on their body, and all of them were naked'

The mood of the story is that related to death and horror. It is sad all through the story in spite of some changes of mood of hope when moving with the 'welcoming look of the cottage', and the ending light touch of the story.

One remark can be given about the end of the story; it shows some weakness with questions as ' Why did he have to do it? That was not the answer to a problem, especially if the problem is only divorce.' I see that this is not the way the character should have shown his surprise for this horror discovery.
However, the very ending was strong in its shifting from a serious sad tone to a light humorous one when searching for your friend 'Have you seen him? Please?' though it is better as 'Have you seen him, please?' or 'Please, have you seen him?'

As a whole, it is a very well written horror story.
Good work! *Thumbsup*
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29
Review of Abandoner  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a nice poem. The title suits the content very good. Your expressions are effective and to the point.

However, this poem is empty of any punctuation mark. You have to pay more attention to the punctuation in your poem, for it affects the meaning and guides the reader's focus and understanding of your work.

Your poem does not follow a regular meter, but though, there must be some uniformity concerning the lengths of the poem's lines for you have some very short lines in your poem and other very long lines. The form affects much the evaluation of the poem.

Suggestions *Idea*

For example, the first stanza,
'What to say
I left you because I needed freedom
no more of your cries in the dark or small hands that ached to touch what was not yours'

This can be managed by dividing some long lines (and adding punctuation):

'What can I say?
I left you because,
I needed freedom.
No more cries in the dark
Or small hands that ached
To touch what was not yours!'

[The first line of the poem: ' What to say', I see it is better said:' What can I say?' with placing a question mark at the end of the question.]

This can be applied for the whole poem; as in the third, fourth and sixth lines of the second stanza, and the first line of the fourth stanzas where there are long lines that also can be divided into shorter lines.

You have also to pay attention to capitalization at the beginning of a new sentence; a sentence cannot begin with a small letter.

Other suggestions especially about punctuation;
In the second stanza,
'you tried to win my heart
I wanted to crush yours', a semicolon can be replaced after 'heart' and a full stop after 'yours' in addition to capital letter:
'You tried to win my heart;
I wanted to crush yours.'

In the last line of the second stanza, ' where the smell of urine and garbage never leave', since 'leave' refers to the smell and not to 'urine and garbage', then it must be 'leaves' and you can end the stanza by a full stop.

In the third stanza, ' You lay between between black bags under a dark night sky', I see you have by mistake repeated 'between' in this line.
Also, you can end this stanza by a full stop.

In the last stanza, you can place a full stop at the end of the second and fourth line.

As a whole, the images in this poem are powerful and suit the melancholic and desperate mood of the poem.
The tone is dark filling the reader with the misery of the mentioned images and creating an effective impact on the reader.

I liked the ending of the poem ' falling into oblivion once again'.

Have a second look at your poem *Reading* and it will be great!
30
30
Review of Sunrise  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very effective description of 'sunrise'.

There are some remarks that can be given about punctuation, and one about spelling. *Idea*

In the first stanza,
'She leaves a trail of shimmering gold,
Across the ground she walks on,
She is kind and fair with a lovely smile,'
I see that there is no need for the comma after 'gold' and that the comma after 'walks on' is better replaced by a full stop.

In the second stanza, 'She is Sunrise, the queen of light,' the comma between 'sunrise' and 'the queen' can be replaced by a semicolon.

'More graceful than Midnight and Morning,
She floats elegantly above the land', the comma after morning is better replaced by a full stop.

Also, in the third stanza, 'Who is followed by Midday,
She takes away the moon and stars' a full stop is better after 'midday'.
'Sunrise must shed her beautiful light,
And take away the cold harsh darkness,' there is no need for the comma before 'and'.
The comma in the last line of the stanza is better replaced by a full stop since there is no connection with the following stanza, but rather a new idea is expressed in the next stanza.

In the last stanza,
'She wears a dress of pure silk,
Which shines like the stars at night,' there is no need for the comma after 'silk'.

'Everyone marvels at her splendour', it is 'splendor' not 'splendour'.

The poem as a whole is appealing, the division of the poem to four octet suits well. The images throughout the poem are rich and appealing.
The figures of speech in this poem are various and strengthen the poem.
The sun is personified all through the poem in a very attractive way, as in 'Long flowing hair of gold and red', 'She leaves a trail', 'She floats elegantly', 'She wears a dress of pure silk' and much more.
Also, the alliteration as in 'brighten up your darkest day'.
The mood of the poem is that of hope celebrating 'A new beginning'.
The poem flows naturally with an internal music suiting the tone of the poem'.

Very Nice poem *Thumbsup*
31
31
Review of The Onion  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a nice comparison with onion. It is special how you have brought the onion to life!
The images are nice done, the issue fits the occasion.

First I have a remark; you have classified this item as 'poetry' and it is obvious that it is not poetry, I think you have to fix this issue.

Other suggestions *Idea*

'Each layer is a layer more of a lie', it is better to say 'is more a layer of a lie.'

In 'Your mind at this layer wishes so much that it hadn’t happened' and ' the mind closes off and if you try hard enough it almost never happened.' there is some confusion, I think you should have a second look at it.

'the mind switches between thinking about him so much you could cry forever', here there must be a joint between ''so much' and 'could cry': thinking about him so much that you could cry forever'.

'One layer back towards a lie.' I think it is not correct, it is better as 'one layer retrogrades towards a lie' for example.

'the thoughts telling you, that you’ll never see him again', here there is no need for the comma between 'you' and 'that you'll'.

'and pretend his at home waiting for you', here it should be 'he is' not 'his'.

'He won’t be there to be 21, and he won’t be there to graduate', I think there is no need for the comma between '21' and 'and he won't'.

'celebrate Christmas, his gone', this must be 'he has gone'.

'so unbearable you try to pull back the layer' here also there is a need for a conjunction 'so unbearable that you try…'

'truly realise', it is 'realize'.

'the lie is hard to live but it’s easier than the pain', is a very nice expression but I think it is not correct, it can be for example, 'it is hard to live a lie, but it's still easier than pain'

'why can’t you be taken. Taken in your sleep, anything, but just taken' here it is not quite correct, I think it is better to say: 'why can't you be taken; taken in your sleep or at any time, but just be taken.'

'Your eyes glitter with pain but your smile says your fine.' Here it is 'your smile says you're fine' not 'your'.

'Some days the core pokes it way through all the layers', it should be 'Some days, the core pokes its way'.

As a whole, it is good and special work but there is some repetition of words such as 'layer', and also of thoughts especially that the idea of the essay is conveyed early.

However, the images you have created here are strong, as that of 'the band aid', 'layer of hope', 'tears'...

The mood of the poem is gloomy and pessimistic. It is very emotional and carries the confusion of the author to the reader through the confusion of thoughts and ideas, so, the pain reaches us.

It is very impressive how you have obtained this comparison with the onion layers.
There are many true and effective expressions that you have used, such as ' The feeling of the truth burns so intense'.

We see here layers of death, lies, smile, hope… all expressed in an effective way that touches us.

I wish that your dissection of the onion moves from the layer of hope and then transcends the layers of 'false smile' and 'lie' to 'true smile' in another good coming piece!
32
32
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is an enjoyable action short story.
First, I have some suggestions *Idea*

You have to take more notice for the punctuation in this short story.

There are many commas here that are better be replaced by semicolons. I'll mention where I found this:
'I peeked my head around the corner, she walked up to a car, arched over and talked…' here a semicolon between 'corner' and 'she' is better.

'The suit that Tye wore was custom tailored to fit a bull’s physique, it was only coincidence…', also a semicolon between 'physique' and 'it was only'.

'He swung with his left, I ducked underneath it, then' a semicolon between 'his left' and 'I ducked' instead of comma. The comma after 'underneath it' is of no use.

' I fell to the ground, my trench coat ripped and was in ruin, the blood would have been hard to wash out anyway' a semicolon between 'ground' and 'my trench coat' instead of comma.

'My thirst had taken over, it had been three days since I last…', also here a semicolon between 'taken over' and 'it had been' instead of the comma.

'I walked over to the girl, she was shimmering from the cold night air.' And again a semicolon between ''to the girl' and 'she was shimmering'.

You have forgotten a full stop at the end of the first paragraph after 'danger was only an inch away'

'you don’t know how dangerous he is, get out of here why you still can!' I think it is better to replace the comma after 'he is' by a full stop or an exclamation mark. And so 'get' will be 'Get'.

'I picked myself up and charged at Tye, I hit him like a Mac truck, I pushed him against a wall.' Instead of the last comma you can put 'and': ' I hit him like a Mac truck and pushed him against a wall.'

'This time the blood that gushed into my mouth was not innocent, far from it.' Here I think that it is better to replace the comma by 'but': ' was not innocent but far from it.'

Other remarks:
'It’s been three days since my last, the anticipation of another filled my veins with adrenaline.' Here there is something missing, 'since my last' but last what?

'revealing a white silk shirt worth more then my car', it is 'more than' not 'then'.

'then uppercutted to his stomach with my left', I think it is 'uppercut'.

'Yes, ill be ok' and ' ill show you', just pay attention to the 'ill' it is I'll.

' She pointed towards the alleyway wall were I left Tye', it is 'where I left Tye' not 'were'.

'now what your real name?', it should be 'what is your real name?'

As an overall, the story as a narrative includes the elements of a short story. We are introduced to the main character of the story from the very beginning 'the subject I'. the two other characters appear in succession at suitable occasions.
As to the setting, the description of the place is well done, so we are seeing the character walking through the 'alleyway' at night.

The style of the story is simple that makes it easy to be understood. One remark can be given to the separation of the story's parts. For example, I think that the first three parts of the short story must be replaced in one paragraph.

The action rises gradually, the plot is well done and the resolution fits to the whole. Element of surprise that support the title is brought by the aspect of 'Tye' being changed to a vampire and is nicely done.

The conclusion is left open and the end perfectly suits the title of the short story.
Well done! *Thumbsup*
33
33
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a nice poem but there are some issues to be pointed out.

Suggestions and remarks *Idea*

In the first stanza, last line, 'in a fiebel attempt to help keep me sain', I think you have meant 'feeble' and not 'fiebel', and I think 'sain' should be 'sained'.

In the second stanza,
the first line, 'Your jubilant laughter', it is 'jubilant' and not 'jubiliant'.
the last line, ' to leave an inprint', it is 'imprint' and not 'inprint'.

In the third stanza creates confusion. There does not appear a connection between the first and second line, the meaning is not clear.
Have a second look at the punctuation of the poem also, and try to divide some long sentences as in the third stanza, this can enhance the form.

As overall, that you have created nice images here, your way of expressing your thoughts is nice and appealing, it is just that you have an overlook to make it such a good poem.

Keep Writing!
34
34
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very Nice short story. It is enjoyable.
I'll start by some remarks then...

I suggest *Idea*
after 'Dad… I promise.' a replacement of an exclamation mark.
'Two weeks later her replacement crab' I think a comma should be replaced after 'two weeks later'.
'An independent seven year old', should be 'years' not 'year'.
'I took off the puppy's blue collar, and bought him a red one 'I don't see a need for the comma.

As overall, it includes all the elements of a short story:
The setting is clear
We are introduced to the characters early in this short story: Dad and Emily and in a proper way.
The plot comes in place by Emily asking for a pet of her own.
Element of surprise is there when the pet Emily was asking for was already on the steps eating milk and cereal.'
Rise of action when the situation demands taking a decision.
Satisfying resolution which I will speak about afterwards.
The dialogue comes simple and natural.

What I liked most in this story is *Thumbsup*:
the light mood that appeared especially in 'It would bark with an accent',
The way 'Dad' was searching for the puppy's owners is also interesting.
The ending sentences of the story 'Now boy puppy... when Emily will return to visit.'. Your ending tells what was the decision of 'Dad' and how he was taken by his love to his daughter in an indirect and light manner.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

35
35
Review of WISH TIMES THREE  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very nice poem. It is really enjoyable. It is very nice the way you have diplayed your wishes in and the indecision that arises of selecting these specific wishes. Rhetorical questions you've used and the choices that looks great and then appears not a very good choices enriches the poem.
There is one thing about 'How about a neighbor', when one first reads this line one will think that you wish to have a neighbor, but when proceeding, the meaning clarifies.
A suggestion can be made to the third stanza, the comma in the first line of third stanza can be replaced by 'or' in the second line.

Pay attention to "GOD"S", it is "GOD's" (for the possessive).
The best part I liked is the resolution you had given in your last stanza, it is a wise one!
Good work!
36
36
Review of Baby's Breath  
Rated: E | (4.0)
hello Arabella Foster,
This is a nice poem you had. Its nice and a good way to carry your experience and maybe pitfalls that you had transcend and through it you built your personality. It is a good lesson for others to learn. The reader felt with your feelings and that is a success :)
37
37
Review of The Review Mixer  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is really encouraging, people can meet by their thoughts and this is a wonderful way to communicate. It encourages one to read and write reflecting his thoughts to others and persuades them to erite more effectively. It is important to write but what is more important is to know that someone read, is reading or will read what you wrote.
38
38
Rated: E | (4.0)
When you are a new member, you really don't know how to start. I read this article and it was really helpful. One likes to give his opinion on something he read, and your's was clear, classified and skillful. It was "up to the point". The points were classified that make you grasp what is needed. I think training will do it by time, and I hope my next reviews would be better as your writing is.
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