I thought this was a great little story. It's a clever take on the prompt and a really well-written and funny story. I thought you handled the dialogue really well. I loved that God was a woman, with a bit of a sarcy sense of humour, who smoked and made the earth as a theme park / zoo.
An entertaining and memorable little story, thanks for sharing.
I thought that this was the strongest Chapter so far. Things are beginning to heat up and I start to get a clearer picture of where the story is going to go. I thought linking the mysterious stranger back to the girl was a good idea.
It did strike me that we haven't had a villain introduced yet. We know the Risen are going to be the bad guys but at the moment they only really exist as a concept. I think they could do with having a human face.
Just one little slip into past tense here:
That morning starts like any other.
I think this should be `The morning starts like any other'
Good work, I look forward to reading the next chapter.
I enjoyed reading your second chapter. It's still a little rough around the edges but, as you are writing a novel rather than a short story, it's probably best to keep writing and re-draft later.
There was some good descriptive writing, I thought the description of Christie was good. I also liked how you described the fountain.
I thought this line was very good:-
"He continues staring at me, as if though wanting to peel my skin back with only his mind to see what lies underneath."
I was glad when the bullet got fired, it was time for things to get shaken up a bit.
My advice for when you come to re-draft is the same as for the first chapter - try to cut out 10-20% and get your prose as lean as possible.
The text slips from present tense into past tense for a few lines here:
"How can it not bother you?" I said, flustered and still boiling, more harshly than she deserved.
She didn't seem to notice however, and just curved her lips into a grin as we sat down on a stone bench carved into the outer circle of a large fountain with an angelic sculpture on it's top, spraying water from it's eyes
Welcome to writing.com, I hope you'll find it a supportive community, and I'm sure it will help hone your writing skills.
You chose a first person present tense for this opening chapter. This can be a really difficult viewpoint to write in, but I thought you managed it very well. It's all too easy to slip into past tense but I didn't notice you falling into this trap. I was so engrossed in the story that I didn't actually notice it was in present tense until several paragraphs in.
You weave details about the dystopian world into the story as you go along which is good. We learn about it as the story goes on rather than in dry passages containing nothing but detail.
There's plenty going on and plenty of themes for you to expand on as you continue the story.
I loved this line:
" I feel like my brain is just one giant mechanical construct right now, and the gears are finally turning"
This line made me chuckle:
""Well mister Harris that was..." He makes a pause before lowering his voice and continuing to speak in a mocking voice "..utterly sub par.""
Here are my thoughts on things you might want to look at to improve the story. Only my opinion so feel free to ignore if you disagree.
It's perhaps a little to wordy. When you come back to edit it I would recommend trying to trim it back by at least 10%. Good writing is often as much about what you can cut out as much as what you put in.
The lead character should be driven by something, or fighting against something. I presume he will be fighting against the Risen but at the moment he seems a little `meh' about them.
Avoid lines like " a subject I avoid like the plague." like the plague. Cliches turn a reader off.
I spotted one or two minor errors which are easily fixed.
At the though of the exams
My minds goes into overload
We'd hate to loose such a promising student.."
I really enjoyed this read. I'm sure it will be even better after the next draft. I look forward to seeing what you have in store for the next chapter.
A highly unusual short story. I must admit I can't make up my mind if I like it or not or what the message is. It's certainly an imaginative idea I don;t think I have read anything quite like this before.
I didn't like the `I was like "such and such" and Jesus was like "so and so" way of portraying the dialogue. I suppose it did enhance the idea of an unreliable narrator but I think it would be better replaced with a conventional `I said'
I thought this was a great short story. It was very well written and drew me in from the start. I actually got this on random review and didn't read the sub-header or the title so I did get a bit of a shock when it turned into a fantasy romance involving a dwarf. Not comething I would usually choose to read, but I'm glad that I did.
Although it's a fantasy story you do a great job of addressing real world prejudice and how some people can find themselves on the fringes of a society. In places it reads almost like a satire. There is a lot of dialogue but it is all very well written and works well. It's generally easy to follow who is speaking.
There is a happy ending as Gen decides to follow her heart even though she knows a lot of people won't approve.
I like that you picked a historical setting for your story. It's nice to read stories set in different times or places. I found your writing style clear and easy to read. The relationship between James and Lana is clearly very good.
I would suggest that you try to avoid repetition of words. You use the word warm or warmth three times in about thirty words in your opening paragraph.
It's a pleasant enough read but, since there is no conflict (internal or external) or character development, I'm not sure if I would consider it a story. If it was me I'd want to introduce some friction to make things more interesting. Maybe Lana could be dying, or they are set to be evicted, or James is horribly ill, or has had an affair and doesnt know how to tell Lana; anything to add conflict and a bit of spice.
I found this on the random review option so I thought I would take a look.
I'm afraid I was left completely confused as to what you were going for here! The text is in a solid block which makes it difficult to read. Most puzzling of all is that only parts of the story are in any recognisible form of English. I'm not sure what the rest was. Is that another language or something that you created yourself? If its the former then you should pick one language and stick to that for the entire story, if the latter then I would suggest taking it out.
When faced with lines such as the one below I'm afraid that I can't imagine any reader knowing what to make of it:
All of a sudden may ginawa si Soul g. and said Please stop. Isang sasakyan na may
kasamang babae sinabi ng boyfriend nito ang katagang binigkas ni Soul g. Please stop at tumungo sa holdapan. Anong sabi mo sabi ng kasama
nitong babae. Sinabihan ng soul g nito sa accomplice ng holdaper May paparating tumakbo na kayo
Welcome to WDC and thanks for an interesting read. I particularly liked the line where you compared the luminous fish to stars in the night sky. I love a good simile as it can really lift a piece of writing. That you have included this line shows that you recognise this.
As you go forward with the story keep in mind that conflict is central to a good story. You have already added a hint of internal conflict with Maddison wondering `why me' and unsure if she can master the spells.
You have a few rogue capital letters in your story. Gargantuan shouldn't be capitalised, there is also no need to capitalise the names of the creatures such as cyclops and dragon.
You might want to look at your first line too. The first line should be the best line in your story, it's your opportunity to hook the reader right in.
I think this has potential, I hope that you decide to flesh out the idea some more. It was really quite a dark read. The ending was interesting as it was at once brutal but hopeful as the narrator leaves for a new life.I thought it was a well written story and I think that you have a talent for writing.
There are a few typos etc but your subtitle suggests that this is still at an early stage in its development.
Hi Dave, I enjoyed your short story. The opening lines were very good and definitely frew me in and made want to read more. Your use of dialogue was good and seemed to work well. You inject some humour into the story and I though the ending was very good. I didn't see it coming and it did make me chuckle.
The dialogue is good but some of the other lines seemed slightly clunky to me. I'm also not sure if the line about the jaw hitting the floor like a cartoon character worked. I knew what you meant but I still got an image of Mickey Mouse punching the floor.
Good luck for 2014, I hope you are able to meet your goals. I'm glad you were able to rescue Buddy from the intersection. It reminds me of when I saw a dog hit by a car in Liverpool, it yelped and hobbled off. I tried to catch up with it to take it to the vet but it was too scared to let me near it and just kept running.
I hope you get the pastor's job in Wichita if that is what you decide you want.
I liked this line, I thought it quite poetic:
`How can one gracefully dance upon the page, moving flabby hand on paper without a healthy exercise regimen.`
I think if you keep at it you'll come to enjoy exercising. I once heard it described as like being drunk in reverse. When you drink you feel great at the time but terrible later - when you exercise you feel terrible at the time but great later on!
This is really rather good, your desriptive writing had me gripped from the first paragraph. The simile of arthritic hands for the twigs was superb and you painted a clear picture of the surroundings in my mind.
Its always good to engage more than one sense in a story and you do this with the air thick with smoke and the stench of beer in the air and the creaky stairs. Really very good.
I was left wondering who Jacob was, was he a ghost or was he really there. No need to answer this if you don't want to of course but it might be worth having Amber ponder the matter a little too.
I only spotted a couple of minor errors.
The word `tab' appears in this sentence which I presume is a typo.
“I think you dozed off for a tab bit there.”
I didn't understand this sentence:
I see you get off. The bus, I mean. I see you get off the bus.”
Overall I thought the story itself was fairly good, your descriptive writing was excellent, dialogue was convincing and I didn't see any errors with punctuation or grammar. Impressive stuff.
I enjoyed this and thought it was engaging and well written. Your narrator has a well developed voice and sounds convincing as a character. Not a huge amount happens so I saw it as more of an introduction to a longer piece rather than a short story on its own.
I was a bit confused about the exploding flower. Was it an actual flower? If so how does a flower explode? Apart from this it all made sense and I didn't spot any problems.
I think your imagination muscles may be stronger than you think. I think you did a good job of describing a strange and different world. I thought it was interesting and well written, although it struck me more as an introduction rather than a complete story. I'm still a bit confused about what the fall actually was and what it meant.
I enjoyed this piece. Is the Daily Riff a real comepetition? I wondered if it was one on writing.com but I couldn't find it.
Your choice of words is good and the short story seems to have a poetic sort of quality to it. It's well written and also quite amusing. I like Quasimodo's dialogue.
An entertaining short story. Hope you get some winners in the Daily Riff contest.
An intriguing opener which made me want to read more. The whole piece was very well written and a pleasure to read. We only find out who the narrator is at the end of the story and it did come as a suprise to me. A nice little twist. It is very vaguely hinted at in the section where the narrator is curled up on the couch. I didn't spot any errors.
I think this is a great little poem. I think young children would really enjoy this. This flowed really nicely and every line added something. I didn't think there was any `filler'. You seem to have a good imagination and come up with some unusual perpspectives for your stories and poems.I like that you did the poem in a red font given that it's about red leaves. Nice touch.
This is a very interesting idea and could make a great story. The beginnings of a star are within a girl named Galexy. This could be really good so it's a shame that there are so many errors. There are large numbers of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Also you didn't capitalise Galexy's name in the first instance. I hope you go back and tidy up the mistakes as this has the potential to be so much better.
We're cooking with plutonium now! Great story and very well written. The characters of Alan and Greg came through strongly. Alan was determined to regain his lost memories whatever the cost and dragged his reluctant brother along for the ride. It all seemed plausible to the extent that I think you may have a background in science or computing.
Alan's no longer a genius, I wonder if he found what he was looking for in the instant before his life changed?
I liked this a lot, the pacing was perfect, the characters strong, it sounded realistic. Can't really find fault. Well done.
Hello Bard, thanks for sharing your short story. The betrayal at the end of your story took me completely by surprise. A good twist. Perhaps you could drop a hint or two of what is coming up earlier in the story? As far as I could tell there wasn't anything. It's the relationship between Aetius and your main character, and the final act of treachery, which make this story interesting. Perhaps if you could expand further on that using the battle as a backdrop?
I was confused by the last paragraph, is it still your main character talking? Why is he a traitor?
The story is good but it tends to tell rather than show. If you could work on this I think it would help.
I found this on random review and I'm glad I did. I really enjoyed your short story. Sometimes it's nice to read about something other than wars and death and zombies. Didn't expect to enjoy a story about pies quite as much as this though. I thought your intro was good and grabbed my attention from the off.
The story was very well crafted. Regional dialiects can be difficult to portrat but you did it well with your character. I can just imagine the house with berries piled up in every concievable place.
There's no real conflict in the story but somehow that doesn't really matter. It's just a very warm pleasant read.
A creative story written from the unusual perspective of a germ microbe. I thought this was original and entertaining. It was quite funny in parts, especially the rapidly explanding family of germs. I liked that some of the kids decided to get into different areas of study, like Gretta who was the artist specialising in pimple formations.
The piece is well written and easy to read. Good work.
A slightly unusual, but entertaining little piece. I liked the names Squishbelly and Elsie Flimberholter. Why do Oppossum peach preserves make people go sleepy? I thought the name might suggest opium but I wasn't sure.
Some of the squishybelly products sound a little dangerous!
There was a little bit of word repitition in the opening sentences. Vanessa has already set the scene as being at SquishyBelly farms so you can probably get away with just having her say they will be touring the factory without repeating squishybelly.
Same thing with `sample products' which crops up in sentences 3 and 4. You might look at rewording one of these sentences.
Thanks for an enjoyable read.
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