You say that you are opiniated, and from a recent review of your's I can see that you are not kidding. I thought your review of the members prologue was far too harsh and risked putting off a relatively new member to the site. Being opinionated is fine, but being rude is a different matter. There is something to be said for staying silent if you can't find anything good to say at all.
I came to this piece ready to pick holes in it, but I must admit you have talent. It's good. It's very good. The descriptive writing is powerful and conjured up a clear picture of the proceedings in my mind. As someone who has spent a lot of time busking with my guitar the line "A totally empty hat has an annoying tendency to stay that way." rings very true for me. I always used to sprinke a few coins in my guitar case before I started playing.
The flow of the piece is very good and it makes for a smooth read.
I spotted one grammatical error:
“Thank you Tony.”
should have a comma before "Tony"
This was my favourite paragraph:
"The young woman I met today is like a single candle burning brightly in a large darkened room. She is visible from every corner, yet by herself alone she is unable to see the dangers that lurk subtly in shadows of dark corners, waiting patiently for just the right moment to strike. "
You have a lot of talent and I hope you will use it to encourage rather than shouting at people in red text and capital letters.
Very good. The digital copy of dead relatives that people can converse with is interesting. I was going to say that Charlie Brooker did something similar as part of his Black Mirror series on UK television not long ago. I think your piece might pre-date that though.
Loved the line about the dragons sense of humour, giggling like mad as they dangle your innards in front of your face.
This is very good. It reminds me of a rhyming children's story called Jonathan and the Dragon that I read over and over when I was a kid.
It's really quite cute, although I did initially think the mouse had been squashed right at the start when it was in the boot.
The flow is occassionaly a little bumpy. If you could make it so that the number of sylablles were always consistent it would be much smoother. For instance the first line of your verses sometimes have six and sometimes seven.
A very good chapter that explains a little but poses some more questions, too. This is the first chapter where there has been no backstory and I thought it gave it a lot of energy. The story was pressing onwards and drawing me along with it. The descriptive writing was extremely strong (as in all of your chapters) and I'm getting a clear picture in my head as I read. It flowed really nicely and there weren't any bits which brought me to a halt or sentences which I had to read twice.
I am wondering when the Special Ops guy will be reintroduced after his appearance in (I think) the second chapter?
A little bit of supernatural mystery was introduced with the floating coin. I think it's probably good to start quite small with the supernatural and then build it up later like George Martin did with the magic in Game of Thrones. I also learned that Merci's events are linked with the solar flares - of which there had been a big one at the time she had the most recent event.
I thought perhaps the two paragraphs on cannabis could be reduced to one as I wasn't particularly interested in Merci's parents smkoing habits. Loved the note about not getting the cat stoned, though.
I spotted a couple of minor typos:-
Simene though himself prepared for anything (should be "thought")
each compartment bearing a magic marker inscribed label; Silver Surfer, AK-47, Banana Candy, Shipwreck, (I thought this should be a colon and not a semi colon, though I could be wrong)
I'll be reading the next chapter soon. I think you have a good chance of getting this novel published.
I think this is my favourite chapter so far. You seem to have a wonderful ability to create great characters and Simene is another one. Your description of him was great and a really creative way of doing it. I love Simene's striking appearance and ability to cobble together innovative electrical devices. Having the cat jump into his arms was good as it showed that Merci and Simene were close enough for the cat to know him well. I've never actually known a cat to act like this, but I'm sure a few of them do.
I loved the gizmo but I had to read that part through twice to understand what it did. I'm still not 100% sure. It seemed to work by getting images from satelites and beaming them to the device. The pair seemed to be indoors so I'm not sure how this would work. I may be being a little dense but I think the explanation of this could use a little tweaking. I did like the bit where Simone explains how he made it and adds eye of newt etc to his description.
"She grimaced, and headed toward the bathroom. “After a take a dump.”"
I think this should be "After I take a dump" (not a take a dump).
I liked that we got to see your ability to write dialogue in this chapter as it's the first time we've really seen two characters interacting at length (apart from Merci and the cat who understandably doesn't have much to say for himself.)
I enjoyed the latest installment of your novel. You've got things moving along at a nice pace and drawing the reader in. I though the flashback to Andrea (the sister) was introduced well and helps us to understand Andrew's motivation. I wondered if it might be more effective if introduced in an earlier chapter though. It's a huge event in Andrew's life so I was surprised that we only just learn of it.
You have a good understanding of how to write effective dialogue and you manage it again here. A lot of it did appear to be happening in a bit of a vacuum though. I think it would be better if there were a few more actions interspersed with the dialogue, You do this once or twice (Andrew's knuckles going white as he grips the chair arms if I remember correctly), but more would help me to picture the scene better.
You might consider dropping `built like an ox' from the opening paragraph as you have already established that Edward is a big man.
This is a fairly quiet chapter with no major incidents or twists to the story. Your writing style made it enjoyable nontheless. Stories need to build and drop in tension, they can't be going all guns blazing the whole time. I didn't spot any grammatical errors.
I loved the Nietzsche quote about faith.
The story continues to flow nicely and your writing style makes it easy and enjoyable to read. I'm looking forward to learning more.
Good chapter. The return of Merci and we learn a lot more about her. Most importantly about the strange `events' that she has been experiencing.
The strange shadowy figures with the clipboards at the beginning were intriguing. I liked their little chat, too. Although who knows what they were talking about! I expect all will become clear in time.
The backstory was good and helped me to understand more about Merci and her background. I did wonder if it might be better positioned slightly differently though. Immediately after an event seems perhaps a strange time for Merci to be mulling over her past. Maybe it might be better if she was allowed a short paragraph to recover a little (have a cup of tea or something) before this is delivered?
"The rumble grew louder as it morphed into a turquoise Mustang."
I wondered about this line. A sound doesn't really morph into an object, I thought it might be better to say the mustang appeared on the horizon or similar.
"rising in her throat like a Klingon death wail."
This made me think of Star Trek. It took me out of the world you were creating and into a completely different world.
“Sorry Manny, but that one was in-your-face real. I’ll write a note and stick it on your chair. DON’T SHOOT THE CAT.
A missing speech mark at the end of this line.
"Merci’s father never touched drugs, drank alcohol, or scummed to any other vice"
I presume this should be succumbed.
This is shaping up to be a great read. I think you have got the pacing just right. I'm looking forward to reading more.
"I am on the island" - interesting. You left the chapter in a great place. Now I want to know who is on the island and what they are doing there.
I was looking forward to learning more about Merci so I was a little dissapointed that the second chapter moved onto a new character. Sam Remy does sound like an interesting character, though. A Jason Bourne type of character, deadly and dangerous yet also a little troubled by his past. Great work. Two chapters in and two great characters introduced.
Very well written again. Only line which I thought perhaps could be done differently was this one:
Sam had gone covert, and he liked it
Gone covert just seemed like a slightly strange way to put it, but perhaps that's just me.
Nice touch with the cigars with the personal inscription from Castro. It shows that Sam is a man with connections who moves in rarified circles.
I liked the quote at the top of the chapter again. Did Kissenger really say that? Wow, shows how much he really cared.
You have me hooked, I'll be reading the next chapter soon.
I think this is a good piece. You do a good job of demostrating the characters isolation and alienation, I liked the bit with the cat in particular.
I only have a couple of suggesstions (which are linked). You mention that the gun is loaded with one bullet but you don't specify whether the character knows which chamber the bullet is in. I think it would add to the tension if he didn't know, so he doesn't know whether he'll shoot the chair or kill the cat.
I wasn't completely sure about the ending. I wondered if it might be an idea to leave it open? The protagonist puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger and there we end? Not sure if that would work better or not but might be worth (ahem) a shot.
Wow, looks like you are well through your novel. Well done, I'd love to have a go at one but I'm too intimidated by the enormity of the project to start.
I liked the intro, I think if I read that blurb on the back of a paperback I would be tempted to take a look.
I've read your first chapter and I have to say I was very impressed. It's so well polished that I can't think of any suggestions to improve it, so I'll tell you what I liked.
I think you have the makings of a great character in Merci Pleasant. Your description of her is top class, as is the explanation for her lack of pigmentation which makes her look like a phantom or a ghost. I was intrigued enough to Google Hyperleucism as I wasn't sure if it existed or if you had created it. Great idea, makes your character unique from the start. On top of that we learn that she has some unusual powers.
The "rousing session" in the second paragraph was good. It's truth and truth is powerful in writing.
The flashback at the end of the Chapter is great. What I expect you are doing is showing us what Merci is afraid of, so when she faces it later in the story it becomes all the more scary.
I liked the Nietzsche quote at the start, too.
Very impressive writing. I'll move on to the next chapter and review that in a few days.
I thought this was a really good piece of flash fiction. You set it up really nicely and then delivered with a good twist at the end.
This sentence seemed a little clunky to me:
"Suffice it to say, what few friends Clarence had had before the October of kindergarten--when I'd first discovered his eminent teasability--my merciless teasing drove them off."
I'm not saying it's bad, I just think you could find a way to write it better.
Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed this little story.
There is a great contest here on writing.com for stories of exactly 200 words. There are always lots of great entries so competition is tough, but I think this would be in with a shout.
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A good chapter. Clever at the end, I liked that. You offer the clue as to the identity of the of the Insurgent leader with Andrew comparing it to being back in one of his lectures and his voice sounding familiar. So when I found out it was his old lecturer I thought `aha I should have guessed'.
I like that you brought him back rather than introduce a new character. I wonder if that was always the plan?
The chapter has tension with Andrew making his way down into the bowels of the building (Molehill was a good name btw), but it possibly a little lacking in confilct. I wonder if the introduction of a possible love rival for Christie's affections might be worth considering? Someone on the same side but in conflict with Andrew.
There are a few typos etc for you to clear up when you come back to re-draft, but nothing major.
Good use of dialogue and the same easy to read style that you have put to good use in previous chapters.
I read one of your pieces for in the writers cramp recently and really liked it so I thought I'd take a look at this. I'm glad I did, it's great. You have such a fantastic quirky sense of humour and this piece kept me smiling from start to finish.
Both characters were superb (though your sarcy tooth fairy reminded me of the sarcy god character in your writers cramp piece). The tooth fairy was so funny but the precocious brat was even better. I loved the dialogue between them, it just zinged along and made for a great read.
So many funny little nuggets you dropped into this story. To name just a few of my favourites: the drunken santa, the girl being named after the dog, normally drugging the kids before taking the teeth. So many more, too. Superbly written and funny from start to finish.
This is a good opening chapter. You introduced the characters and a problem. You have chosen to write in first person present tense. This is very popular at the moment in stories aimed for a young adult market. It can be quite tricky as it's very easy to slip into past tense. As far as I could tell you stuck in the present tense throughout, so good job on that.
The story is mostly carried by dialogue and you seem to understand how to write believable dialogue. That's a big plus for you as a writer as there is a school of thought that says good dialogue is not something that can be learnt.
I would remove the line about the school bully growling in Austin's face. This is a case of telling that the character is a bully. You should try to avoid telling where you can, and in this case you don't need to as the boy's actions show him to be a bully.
“Where'd you here that?”
This should be "hear" - this needs correcting in a few places.
There are a few typos etc for you to fix when you redraft. For instance in this line:
"I jog home, worried that I stayed to late. Fortunately when I got home, the house was dark, meaning everyone have gone to sleep."
to late should be too late. everyone have gone to sleep should be everyone had gone to sleep.
A few minor isssues then, but overall this is a good piece with plenty of potential. Well done.
This is good, the story moves fast just as Amanda does. The imagery is impressive, I could picture her moving through the mist like a ghost. I thought that it would end in a similar way to this because in a story this length - with only two characters introduced - and one of them introduced as being up to no good there's only two likely outcomes. Nonetheless, it was well written and an engaging read.
I don't have many suggestions as this is a very well written piece. All I can think of that you might want to consider is:
"He waited like a lion stalking a gazelle" - I wonder if there might be another similie that could be used here instead of this one? This has been used so many times it is probably pushing into the realms of cliche.
there is no mention of smell, perhaps you might consider introducing a scent of pine trees or similar just to engage another sense?
Some poeple are good at dialogue, and some writers ( even some succesful ones) aren't. Most of your story was dialogue and it was very well written. The cat line was a bit weird, he gave the cat a bath with his tongue, did I read this right?
Great last line. Did your mother explode again. Haha, I like it.
Thanks for sharing this piece. I'm not a religious man, but many of the best people I know are of the Christian or Muslim faith, and they do great work for the community. It's a hell of a shame that rich countries like the America and the UK rely on charitable food banks to feed their poorest people. In my opinion the system is rotten.
I;m presuming that Mary is an actual person that you know, Kudos to her. She sounds like a kind and caring individual.
This is really very good indeed. In short stories the general rule is that the story should cover a very short period of time. In flash fiction, particularly 200 word flash fiction, that rule goes double. Of course rules are there to be broken.
Although it is a snapshot in time you also trace the course of an entire life in your piece. I thought this was very clever and very well done. Quite moving, too.
If I had a hat I would take it off to you. I have no suggestions for improvements, this works perfectly.
I know the square root of nothing when it comes to poetry. This isn't a form that I've ever seen before but I really like it. I may even have a stab at this form myself. I read the first lines of each verse first and then went back to read the whole. There's the potential here to tell two completely different stories in one poem. Your first verse was quite dark. Thanks for opening my eyes to this way of writing a poem, I really like it.
I enjoyed seeing a piece set in South America as it is a different setting to most of the fiction I read. You did a good job of showing Ellie's nerves by having her nibble her bottom lip. Much better than just saying something like `she was nervous'.
First sentence was too long for me, I like short punchy opening lines. For me it would be better served with "In less than an hour the race would begin," or something similar. Explanation can come later.
Pangs of excitement thrummed through her body was great and ties in with the race theme.
I thought you wrote your dialogue well and it advanced the story without sounding stilted.
You have time ticking by fast, but it normally seems to move slowly when we are nervous.
The story head hops between Ellie and Toby, I'd recommend taking one characters point of view and sticking with it.
I'd have Ellie jumping into the waterfall naked, but maybe that's just because I'm a man!
Good work, I haven't read the first two chapters but I plan to go back and have a look.
Well written, but I hope that Adam isn't too young!
You did well to intersperse the dialogue with the actions. It's a well put together piece of flash fiction that delivers a suprise ending. There are a few adverbs that you might want to try to cut out.
I liked the little twist at the end of your story. Flash fiction is great for suprising or twist endings and you have delivered on one here. The story slips from present tense into past tense at one point. You should write: "he scurries pasy my ankles, I cringe" to keep the piece in the same tense.
Not sure why you only got two stars for this, it seems like a perfectly good piece to me. Still, everyone has their opinion, I hope that your two star reviewers at leats gave you a reason for the ratings they gave.
I would change `All these people should not' to `All these people shouldn't'
Not a major change but it makes the piece more conversational, and that makes it read more easily to my ears.
Welcome to writing.com if you would like me to review any of your future work then please let me know.
Thanks for sharing this interesting piece. I thought your descriptive writing was very good, although some of it I didn;t quite follow. The sound behind the doors were brass?
I liked the line:
He was a grenade on its path to exploding
The text needs a little editing, copying from a word processor the formatting doesn't tend to stay in place on WDC.com and you need to manually break up the paragrpahs. It can be a bit of a pain but it doesn't take long.
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