The concept of emotions or abilities being passed on through the transplant of organs is an interesting one. I seem to recall reading an article once from people claiming to have experienced just this. I'm not sure how plausible this is in reality but it surely presents fertile ground for fiction.
Your work reads very smoothly, every sentence works,nothing jars the flow of the piece. I think it conveys emotion strongly in only a few words.
I particularly liked this sentence (I like a good rhyming sentence).
"I've been there screaming at the starlit sky while I stood there alone crying, asking why"
Perhaps you might consider losing the word "there" from that line? It doesn't add anything and it makes the line more clunky in my opinion.
A sad story and quite moving. The pain of the protagonist comes through well both through their words and the imagery. Well written and it flows nicely. No grammatical issues that jumped out at me but having said that I'm not good at grammar. At first I wasn't sure what the last section was driving at. On reading through again I think you are hinting that the protagonist has killed both Jess and Emily. I like that you have left some room for ambiguity and leave the reader to draw their conclusions. Good work, both powerful and subtle.
Hi Amanda, this prologue would indeed make me want to read on, and I get bored pretty easily. Really strong opening and the quality doesn't dip. It sounds like you have created an interesting character in FiFi Jo, if you can keep up this quality of writing then you could have something very good indeed.
I look forward to finding out where your protagonists adventures lead her.
An original way of presenting the story. Short but effective, I thought this made for a good read. I liked the dialogue between mother and doctor which I thought worked well. Short, snappy and effective.
An entertaining piece and well written. I must be wrong because I thought the dog / christmas tree argument did follow a valid form. But then I never did get the hang of logic. I remember being last out of a class at university when the lecturer set a series of logic problems and wouldn't let anyone leave until they could show they could solve and understand them.
I don't think your opening setence scans properly. You say it is 5:30am so you don't need to also say it's morning. I think it would read better if it just went something like `5:30am, my sleep was disturbed.'.
Your second sentence also seems a little unwieldly.
You use the word `disturbed' twice in the opening paragraph, you might want to consider finding a way to replace one of them with another word.
I thought your opening paragraph was weak and it nearly put me off reading further. However after this things get much better. I think your descriptive writing is very good and gave a very strong feel for the place.
The keys being back in London made me chuckle. I had a similar experience in Cyprus flying out to a friends holiday apartment and finding the key I had been given did not fit the lock.
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