Very clever and funny as always. Made me laugh but also a bit scared, my own visit to the dentist is looming unpleasantly on the horizon. Liked the picture too. Well written and enjoyable to read as always. Your words always flow so easily making everything you write a joy to read.
Not my favourite amongst the many great short stories you have crafted, but it's always a pleasure to read your work. Reminds me of the fuss I made as a kid (and still make now) over a trip to the dentists.
I enjoyed reading your story. I think there is potential here that another draft would help to bring out. My favourite part was your description of the figure by the side of the road which I thought was good.
Each of the first three sentences contains the word `work`, the fourth has `co-workers`. Repeated words tend to distract a reader. It might be worth considering rewording the opening sentences.
Try to work on showing rather than telling. For instance, instead of telling the reader that your character is scared you could show them by having her hand shake, or a bead of sweat roll down her back etc.
I thought this was a very good little story. It was very well written and the dialogue sounded very realistic. I thought that having one of the sisters run a business making clothes for dolls using candy wrappers was a great idea. It's a touch of the slightly absurd which atually adds more realism to the story as a whole.
I loved the line about chocolate making her eyes itch.
I'm not a religious man so I wouldn't normally read a religious story. I did enjoy this one, I was thinking it sounded like a parable before God was mentioned. I do think this would make a nice little religious story for a child. The sheep chanting `baa baa humbug' reminded me a little of the sheep in George Orwell's Animal Farm with their `Four legs good, two legs bad".
A quest, very much in the vein of Lord of the Rings. It's a classic adventure story in a format which has proven succesful over the years. Good luck with putting together your story. You have only provided a brief introduction so it is hard to judge how succesful you are likely to be. I think the danger is that this is such a well trodden path that it is difficult to throw anything new into the mix. Your writing seems good but if you want it to stand out try to come up with an unusual twist.
A very, very short story. I can see you are going to have strong words with your editor. There isn't a great deal to comment on here other than to say it was amusing and unexpected. Quite clever too. Now get to writing so we can see what you are capable of when the editor doesn't steal your words.
As I read, I groaned at the Python quote (although I am a fan) and prepared to chastise you for it:). Then I read on and realised it was intended.
`Gratuitous? Yes. But it got a smile` - This was clearly your aim for the story and I must admit it worked, I did smile. The whole story was a vehicle for this rather cheesy joke. I'm not against cheesy jokes though.
Without conflict there is no story. Your prologue shows that you have an idea of what this will be, that the woman can no longer have children and the love of her life does not know. This may be enough to drive the whole story or it may not. Maybe it's worth throwing some secondary conflict into the prologue too. His family are there, hers too, maybe his family hate her and are opposed to them resuming the relationship. I think you need something else to intrigue the reader and give yourself an extra element to play with as your novella unfolds.
In one moment your protaganist can't catch a break and get to speak to her love alone, in the next she was able to corner him. I think you need to make life a bit tougher for her, give her an obstacle or two to overcome.
Nothing at all wrong with your writing, good luck fleshing it out and moving forward with your story.
I was so taken with your previous story that I decided to delve into your reportoire and see what else you had to offer.
This is a very short story which I really enjoyed. Once again, very well written, not a single word wasted. In addition to the bruises and scars having healed it seems the mental scars had healed. Only there is a sinister twist in the tail. Although dead, her lover wasn't ready to let go yet.
Difficult to write a story which means anything in so few words. You manage it here. Really good work.
Imagination is key - you write. Well, you certainly have imagination to spare. This work is so spectacularly dark. Really wonderful. The third witch was able to take her place by the devil's side. I'm not a big fan of poetry but you weaved a verse or two into your tale exquistely.
Your use of words is excellent and makes your work a pleasure to read.
Gaia, I think, is another word for Earth. Are you being subtly clever here and introducing the third witch as the planet itself? the carousel reference makes me think so.
So clever, such imagination, wonderfully conceived and written. I couldn't give this work less than five stars.
I like to offer suggestions on how a work might be improved, but here, I have nothing.
A pleasant and entertaining short story which I enjoyed reading. Your description of Zelda was short but effective.
The story sounds very true to life, I can picture it happening.
There is a misspelling here - our usually seriious, quiet exterior -
I don't care about punctuation as long as I can understand what is being written. Some people do though, so you may want to put a comma in these sentences
"Waz his problem Jerry?"
"Waz his problem, Jerry?"
"Jerry I keep yelling at that truck driver
"Jerry, I keep yelling at that truck driver
This is a good introduction to a longer piece of work. Some good descriptive writing, I particularly liked the last couple of lines. I found that you used the word `gray' a lot. I counted seven times in one very short paragraph. The repetition of this word jarred with me and distracted me from the story. Apart from that I liked it.
I'm a big fan of your writing. As I'm in a reviewing mood I decided to delve into your portfolio. This is the story I fell upon (pretty obviously since I am reviewing it). Anyway here goes:
The opening line is short and grabs the readers attention. As an opening line should. Bending an eyestalk sounds a bit bizarre and only piqued my interest further. The Search for Extra Aquatic Intelligence is a nice twist on S.E.T.I.
It's a bizarre world you have created, yet still your character has to get to work! I guess there is no escaping it.
`she sucked in a pouch-full of water and ejected it, propelling herself into the stream of traffic` - wonderful line. Your imagination is incredible.
You work a couple of verses of poetry into your story. I'm not a big fan of poetry, I've never really got it, which I am sure is a failing on my part. However I think it adds something to the story here, others would appreciate it more than me I am sure.
In my opinion you are one of the very best authors here on writing.com who, yet again, does the business in this story.
I found this story and liked it a lot. Your descriptive writing is very powerful. The wickedly sharp sword, obsidian hooves, silver blonde hair! All excellent.
The story is very well put together, I was impressed by your writing.
My favourite line was:
"A proper young lady does not tear around in the forest like a madwoman!"
We don't find out whether Katherine went willingly with the black knight or of he kidnapped her. Good work, very interesting.
A good first attempt at a horror story. I liked the line about not needing to monster proof her own bedroom. Implying that the daughter always knew something which the mother didn't.
Some of your word choices don't quite work for me. For instance both of these sentences read a little strangely to me:-
It from her drank deeply the sustenance of terror. Rich with horror, she begged for rescue.
It might be worth adjusting the font size as it's quite small.
On the other hand `elongated limbs of sickly leather skin' is a wonderful descriptive line and does sound quite scary and horrible.
For me, some lines work well, others not so much. Definite promise here though.
A nice little flash fiction piece. Good black comedy, short, sharp and to the point. The layout of the text is a bit all over the place, it stops mid sentence then starts again a couple of rows down.
This is a good story. Introducing the pepper spray and the air horn in the first paragraph works well. The reader expects that they will be used sooner or later so the expectation is that there will be peril and action.
The tension is gradually cranked up as the story progresses. The coffin, the torches failing, the scratches on the wall and then finally the appearance of the monster.
Your decision to end the story with the light of the torch flickering and dying is excellent.
I thought your story was well written but there was one sentence which sounded clunky to me:
`The wood was of a dark, brown color and had decayed to the point that it was impossible to tell what kind of wood it had been.`
I was somewhat puzzled about the relationship between the coffin and the monster. I came to the conclusion that the monster was some sort of vampire like creature. Whether this was what you had in mind or not I'm not sure. Perhaps this could be made clearer in the story somehow?
I didn't see any similes or metaphors in the story. I love a good simile as they add real richness to writing.
You do use a lot of exclamation marks, you might want to think about cutting as many of them out as you can. Most professional writers tend to use them very sparingly. Elmore Leonard insisted no more than two or three for every 100,000 words.
Hope this is helpful.
I was torn between a 3.5 or a 4. I have gone for 3.5 but I think with a little bit of work you could have a very good story here.
Interesting. I'm not sure how much your writing is elaborated and exaggerated or whether it is a true account of your experiences. If it's 100% true then I apologise, I guess in that it really can't be made up! Your writing records some unusual characters and experiences which you convey well. You set out the dialogue very well in this work. I have read few of your pieces, including fat brain guy, and have found them very engaging. I hope you keep writing.
This is a nice little story, the dream weaver sounds like an interesting character.
A key rule to story telling is `show don't tell'. If you rewrote your story with this in mind I think it would be improved at a stroke. For example:-
`She sat up on her elbows to take a look around' could become something like `Propping herself up on her elbows, she glanced, wide eyed, at her surroundings'.
`He had a moustache which was really, really long' might be `He wore the longest, wildest moustache that Paige had ever seen'
Interesting and imaginative. I thought this was good and, in places, made me laugh out loud. The `please do not do your business on me' line in particular made me chuckle.
Presumably you care about the environment and you make an important point in an entertaining way.
It does need another draft though as there are quite a few errors. Once you correct these you will have a far stronger piece of work.
You use `along side' twice. Use alongside instead.
`We have park toilet' should be `we have a park toilet'
'Unbearable to the extend.' doesn't make sense.
`The outcome of your by product is deeply not appreciated.` a couple of commas missing here, should be `The outcome of your by product is, deeply, not appreciated.
I'm not sure `healthy, sun tanned, skin' works as a description of a tree. How about `healthy, sun drenched bark."?
If you are going for comedy, you may actually be better limiting the second point and expanding on and improving the first. This was the bit I enjoyed most.
It's a fantastic concept and you have some great ideas in here. In its present form it seems a bit rough, but with a bit of work this could be excellent.
I hope you continue to work on it as there is real potential here.
I thought that this was a well written and interesting piece. You decided to write in the second person tense. Not an easy thing to pull off but I think it works well here. The daughters boyfriend comes across as a real nasty piece of work. I like that the story ends on a cautiously optimistic note. Good work.
I thought this was very good. Well written and engaging throughout. I liked the bit about Xenophanes, interesting little factoid and almost certainly true. It might be an idea to bump up the text size a bit. I struggled to read it and had to copy it into Word and increase the font size. I didn't think there were any problems with the ending. Got to be a strong contender for the competition.
Hi Paradox, I think this is an excellent little story. It doesn't deal with any Earth shaking events, but there can be a beauty in the everyday if it is written well, I think you accomplished this. Your writing style in this work reminds me a little of Magnus Mills, which is great as he is one of my favourite authors.
Now to nitpick :) Please ignore me if you disagree. I think your second sentence "The sun was just rising and it looked to be a good day for fishing." would be better as your opener.
" It was the best of times". Personally I wouldn't use this line, it instantly distracted me and made me think of Charles Dickens.
I'm undecided on the ending, on the first read through I thought it was too abrupt and that maybe there might be a better way to do it.
I was torn between a 4.5 or a 5 star. I think there are one or two places you could improve this story but I really did enjoy it so on that basis I went with 5 stars.
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