I found this quite delightful. I have a picture of the little girl narrator in my head, sparkly shoes and all. And all those dumb things that matter so much at the time ... and then in the bigger picture of life don't matter a bit. Makes me think you could write an adult one of much the same variety ...
If I were to have one suggestion, it would be maybe to use a little bit less "dialect" type writing. Keep the "bout it"s, and maybe even the "cuz," but then maybe get rid of some of the rest like "outta" etc. I find it just a tiny bit distracting.
But over-all, just a great read. Thank you for letting us all share it.
It is so incredibly sad that a story like this is inspired by true events. But like you, I know it is.
Despite the sadness that it brings out in me, it is a brilliant story. Both the characters absolutely come alive, the dialogue is realistic and honest, and I can see and hear the characters as if it were a stage play I was watching.
It would be wonderful if those with Frank's attitude could read it and see where their actions could take them. But I suppose they would be the ones who would not ever believe it was realistic .... Too bad.
Quite simply, I loved this poem. I think what made it so powerful for me was the choice of words, especially of verbs -- the stallions "adorned," the nightmares that "invade," the fairies that "flit," and narrator who lies "shrouded." All those words bring such clear pictures to one's mind. I like also how it takes the normal cliches of fantasy and essentially turns them on their head in the end.
If I were to make one small suggestion, it would be that the addition of a small amount of punctuation could strengthen it even further. In particular, I think a period after "... lonely children," clearly setting off the "good" fantasies from the nightmares would set the contrast up even further.
This is a really interesting premise, and I am looking forward to reading more of this story. You have written only about 100 words in the prologue and yet I already have a definite feeling for the major characters. I care about what happens to them, and I want to know what happens next and the answers to the questions you have asked in the synoposis. When I think about it, it's rather amazing to have been able to do that in 100 words.
The one suggestion I would make is that you get some help with that bugbear of so many new writers -- punctuation. There are all these rules about run-on sentences, and how to punctuate direct quotations and such. Although I found your writing perfectly clear despite the punctuation errors, I know (from bitter experience) that if you go to submit your work to an agent or editor for publication, they will be put off by errors in things like grammar and punctuation.
That said, let me reiterate that I am greatly looking forward to reading further developments in this story.
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