OH, WOW! I loved it! You said in your request it might be gibberish, maybe it just takes someone a little twisted to understand it??? My opinion is it sounds a little like a paranoid schizophrenic, very well explored and expressed. I think you just gave Edgar Allen Poe a run for the money.
Beautiful!! Wonderfully flowing story. A very interesting multi-layered story. Sorry, my head is still spinning from the depths. I enjoyed the new POV for the story of Cain and Abel wrapped-around the story of the beginnings of the angel of death. I also liked the gentility and compassion you have given the Angel. Not knowing who this angel was kept pulling me along. This is probably one of the best stories I have read in a long time, keep it up!
I think you have a good base idea for a fantasy story started here, but you have to decide why she would wake up in a room in a building that would seem to be a castle.
If I may make some suggestions about the writing. The first four sentences don't really flow. She notices the first thing about the room, but there is not a definite second (stated). Maybe rather than spinning in a acircle, she could look around or something. You might also want to give her some credentials for recognizing the archaic room with everything of excellent quality.
The second paragraph seems better. Now, the third. The only problem I have here is, when she looks out the window she sees "nothing". Surely she sees something, a forest, or hills or something. This is a excellent opportunity for some good description, as well as the first paragraph, to give the reader a sense of place or setting.
As far as your question of where to go from here, you need to answer the questions of: where is she; how did she get here; how will she get back, if she wants to; what kind of problems is she about to face and how does she overcome them.
Stephen King would be proud! You put a real good twist to that one, I was expecting her to be the vampire, then it turned out to be him. That was fun. I expected all the "girlie stuff", tom be a front for a vicious vampiress. I guess I should hyave picked up on the "Slayer" jacket.
The story read well, as well as flowed well. I really liked the comment about the night having an ancient mystery about it, very good. The dialogue worked well.
Just one tiny mistake that I saw, she introduced herself as "Kiera", then he kissed the back of her hand, making "Katie" laugh out loud.
Personally, I thouhgt this was very good and interesting. It actually makes you think and consider what it is actually about. (This is what "litterary"
works should do!) As far as my interpretation, I see it as this man has a beautiful girlfriend (a "trophy" type") that he finally sits down and tries to have
a "real" conversation with. In the course of thier talk he finds she really is not a deep or rich personality, just a pretty facade.
I was actually surprised he had the strength to walk away from her, as many men would prefer to have the beauty instead of the depth.
The "lack of background" is not a ptroblem for what this story is.
All in all, I liked this very much, keep up the good work.
I like this. I think the circular pattern (the end is in the beginning, and the beginning in the end) works well. I enjoyed the imagination shown here,
with the creature (a dragon? best leave this unanswered at this point) going from barely self-aware to fully aware of its self and situation. The story
flows logically and smoothly. I would hope to watch this story as it develops.
WOW! An excellent beginning, to something. I would have given you a 4.5 or 5 if it had been a complete story. I think the tone and voice are superb for
what the story seems to be. I ernjoyed they way you started out with the dream, then went to the reality of an empty, dead New York City. The "trees'
branches like shriveled, dead skin" was perfect for this. I don't know exactly what direction you would want to take with continuing/expanding this, but
I REALLY hope you will. Please, PLEASE continue this. If you do decide to continue it, please let me know when you've got more, I want to see it.
Keep up the good work,
David_H
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