Lordy me, I HOPE this is fiction. VERY well done. You my dear, are a WRITER!!
A coupe things come to mind. My old, mechanic's mind that works on a linear basis of one thing, then the next, would have a story start at the beginning in time and continue in time to the end. I KNOW that is not the way things are written and done.
:)
Another is that the subjects you discuss with Noni seem a bit disjointed or dis organized. Maybe that is the way humans discuss things
Then again, without knowing her degree of maturity, it may not be correct to think the phrase: ". . .tingling, stars in the sky, explosive feeling." seems pretty advanced for a child.
For me, had I witnessed my child's death, a bit more expression of feelings right after would seem to be in order. What DID you feel at that moment would satisfy me more than talking about your parent's rejection--understandable, sort of, as that may be. Good God, you ARE their child. Which is, I guess, another thing to consider. How on earth do parents reject a child? I could not do that even if a kid was a serial killer.
Thanks a TON. Maybe even two.
d
Whew! Pardon me for a little while. Just need a little pause to get my er, breath. LOL
Well done. Hope you are making a living writing.
Don't know of a thing to recommend except perhaps to use a few more concrete terms in place of euphemisms.
Now, if we could all have experiences such as this!!!!
Thanks a ton.
WOW. Did this take a long time to assemble? Very nicely done. This pretty well covers the subject.
Might add "cunt" to the Female anatomy list.
"Baby maker" might be added to the list for male section.
Maybe add "orgasm" and "cum" to the list of pleasures.
"Urge to merge" might fit somewhere. :)
And "The earth moved." might fit somewhere.
Thanks. NEAT
d
Sets me to thinking and wondering a bit. Is this an extension of the old truism that men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love? Does this indicate that copulation interferes with a deep relationship?
I'm left wondering a bit about what is behind "For now I guess I will be still in my thoughts, and do me." ". . . do me." means to just think? Or what?
Thank for thinking and writing.
d
Forgive, but that doesn't necessarily mean you will forget, right? Humans are too often hard on one another.
For me, a bit more context would have been appreciate along with your feelings about it all.
Thank you.
d
You had me there. Pshaw, for shame and NUTS!! LOL
Well done for certain. Have you always been such a tease? Have you thought about drawing out the suspense and tension? Might be interesting.
d
Dad GUM, this is great very descriptive material! Thanks a ton. Maybe even two.
It occurs to me to wonder how much preparation these two had to be able to have such great sex so quickly. I am reminded of a description of foreplay by a rather odd fellow years ago, "A half hour of begging and pleading." LOL I know, just like a guy, right?
Such intensity as you describe comes quickly and easily, eh?
d
Very well written with enough detail to impress me. 'Course, I'm old and naive. On the other hand, being so old, the scene is simply unbelievable as NOBODY would have done such things in my day.
Having said that, this is well done and given the licentiousness of today, somewhat believable. It might benefit a bit if slang terms were replaced, i.e., replace "boner" with "erection" and so on.
Who cleaned up? LOL
Poetry gives me pause but this appears to be a very good description of the pernicious effects of shamefully inadequate care and nurturing of a child. My literal mind has a bit of problem attributing abuse to "demonic" influences, as my experience tells me that those who are unable to nurture and care for children were not nurtured when THEY were children. But the lack of self-worth and unfortunate decisions-making later in life are entirely consistent with abuse.
Well done.
d
Nicely done. Isn't it a WONDER how science has provided so very much in the way of labor-saving devices, medicine, technology and so on and we humans seem to have the ability to ignore ALL of that and depend on hearsay, speculation and outright nonsense in social media for "facts" about our health and well-being?
Thanks,
d
Some folks are able to find the happy medium between "Don't just stand there, do something!" and "Don't just do something, stand there!" There are those who never do find it. LOL
Thanks for the fun rea.
d
Thank y0u. Very interesting as fits rather well with comments from a neighbor and her daughter having experiences with girls that are just teens or, perhaps, preteens. Their experience was or, still is, rather trying probably for some of the same reasons your club existed. Did you ever get the itch to feel special scratched? Are you in contact with any classmates?
My questions arise out of my sense of being an outsider during high school years and the sense that "class" distinctions of those days simply disappeared with the passage of years.
Thanks.
d
You oughta be making a million dollars a year with a mind that could come up with this yarn. Well done. Or, maybe it is a true story and you are just an old story teller with the rest of us. LOL
Excellent job.
d
It is my hope against hope that this is fiction. If it is, well and very imaginatively done. If not, some people, including the mother, belong in jail and the author needs help to bring the reality home that victims are never to blame and any shame or guilt they feel, and almost all do feel those things, is misplaced and wrong. As sure as God made little green apples, kids have the innate ability to blame themselves when they are abused.
Thanks for writing. If you have more to write, I'm all ears. Well, in this case, eyes.
d
TOO MUCH! Well done. Kinks work!! I'll read it again for a slight hint at what the fox might have had in mind but, in the absence of a little suggestion tucked away in the narrative, you might think about adding one.
Your piece is substantially different than works by O. Henry, but his work came to mind. You have earned a tip of my hat. Well, it is actually a farmer's work cap, but you get the idea.
Thanks for the tip.
d
Certainly leaves me wondering about precisely what exactly they did to "settle their difference". One can only imagine. LOL
On the other hand, is there a point to all this? More LOL.
Thanks for the read.
d
Bummer, man, bummer. Hope it is far in the past.
This brought back memories of when my boss got fired and me with him. Close, but probably no cigar for the effects on one and the damage you felt.
Do you look back with 'stuff happens" thoughts by now?
Good job.
d
First thank you for writing what is an excellent example of one of the many, many ways parents abuse children. Misty, let me tell you that I am very sorry it happened. On behalf of parents, I apologize for the abuse you suffered and still suffer.
That apology, of course does very little good. Nor does my saying "It was not your fault." But, doing no good or not I tell you that.
If it was not your fault, whose is to blame? God only knows, as it is very likely the abuse happened to your father and to his father and so on, generation after generation.
The image of a little girl pulling a blanket up over her for protection is haunting. How DARE an adult do that to a vulnerable little girl?
A little house-keeping. In the third paragraph, you might want to put "do" after the word "to". There are also places where a bit of punctuation would help, but overall an excellent job.
If you are inclined to read, a book by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps Score, might be helpful. It began the transition of therapists from "What is wrong with you?" to "What happened to you? It was very enlightening for me.
Bless you.
d
The situation faced by "she" is all to familiar to those of us who have relatives or acquaintances who have been abused. I hope to high heaven that this poem is fiction based on a nightmare or dark imagination. In any case, how is it that so many adults have learned to accept abuse? Duh, the learned it as children.
Thank you for your writing. Well done and keep on keeping on.
d
Yup, same song, second verse, or third or fourth. An excellent description of how we long for familial connections and think it is our fault that things aren't "right".
Well done. Thank you.
d
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/delk
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 6:47am on Apr 26, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
