I like the concept, decently structured & paced story given the (I assume) word count limitation.
In summary of what follows, good but could be better with some polishing.
Some observations that arose as I worked my way through... (nb, I'm not always great at explaining what I mean, so illustrative examples given)
Lots of short, choppy sentences, certainly initially... breaking the flow - maybe try and join into something longer:
e.g. "A large, sweaty man in a business suit pushed himself into the middle seat. Now she was not sure she liked the window seat. A mother ushered in two children behind Gayle and the large man."
--> A large, sweaty man in a business suit dropped in beside her as a harried mother ushered two children in behind her. Maybe, she thought, the window seat hadn't been her best idea.
'Smoother', imo, and gets you a few words back. A few places where you could have also used a single pronoun, saving even more words for story telling:
e.g. "... The large, sweaty man next to her fell asleep right after takeoff and snored loudly. The children behind her fussed and kicked the back of her seat, impatient"
We already know he's large and sweaty, and beside her (and that the kids are behind them) so...
--> ... The businessman fell asleep, snoring loudly, as soon as they were in the air. The fractious kids kicked the back of her chair relentlessly.
Some potential spelling errors/typos:
e.g. "...frightful with wiping winds..."
Wiping (present participle of wipe) or whipping (violent, gusty, striking) winds?
"...bare light bulb over head..." (overhead)
"...out of site..." (sight)
"She tried to ignore the stewardesses as they talked, nervously about the incident." (The comma isn't needed)
Plenty of interesting information presented coherently and chronologically, broken into appropriate sections.
Quite a few places it could be tidied up but pretty good for a 5th grader (10 years of age?):
It looks like you made good use of a thesaurus but there a few spelling/typos (e.g. younge, restituded).
Grammatically age appropriate, although there are a number of things your teacher should have pointed out e.g. capitalising titles Dewar, not dewar; unnecessary speech marks; using paragraphs to improve presentation; etc.
Further, as illustrated below - with suggested corrections in caps, there're a number of 'weird' word choices / errors.
At the age of seventeen, he had a newborn but only survived for a few days.
WHEN HE WAS seventeen, THEY had a BABY WHO, UNFORTUNATELY, only survived for a few days.
Hi, it's an interesting start - with potential to head in many directions both in terms of genre & plot.
Characters appear relatable/believable, so far, with a nice, awkward teenage interaction - although a little more detail about your protagonists would help build the mental picture.
Quite a few minor issues throughout with respect to grammar & spelling, rectifying which would result in a more polished article (e.g. several missed capital letters & punctuation in/around dialogue).
It does feel a little, umm, 'stilted' (for the lack of a better word) in places...
e.g. "She turned with a huff and left. Liam got up and walked to the door and shut it, then laid back down on his bed. He rolled over onto his side. He felt a wave of tiredness wash over him. The coffee he had drank at Ron's had worn off, and the endless research had left him exhausted. He closed his eyes, and drifted off."
Might be tweaked to something like this, to help with the flow...
"She turned with a huff and left. Liam got up, followed her to the door and shut it before laying back down on his bed. He rolled over onto his side exhausted from hours of studying, the coffee he'd had earlier having long since worn off. He closed his eyes, and drifted off.
Couple of minor plot/logistics points too... 9pm (ish) dinner, with a four year old (who would require 10-12 hours sleep a night) seems rather late.
In the coffee shop, 'His laptop'... as, as we later find out, it's his sister's, maybe 'the laptop' would be more apt (but that's rather picky).
Sorry, but I have to start by saying I can't see what you're trying to achieve/convey here - the whole thing comes across as surreal and, unfortunately, rather 'untidy'.
From the spelling errors (e.g. business, dimensions), to the inconsistent presentation/ formatting (e.g. unusual line breaks "...extremely complicated,
but not...")
Which may have arisen as a result of pasting here? The overall impression could be better.
The story element feels, to me, a little abrupt/disjointed - and would benefit from some longer sentences to help pull it together.
e.g. "I asked Jesus if He would like to meet Angelina
Jolie. She is a 36 year old actress, who has made a film about time travel."
I asked Jesus if He would like to meet Angelina Jolie, laughing as I explained she was a 36 year old actress who had made a film about time travel.
First up, I like it - a mix of narration and prose with decent scene setting, nice tension between the characters and a bit of dry humour too.
That said, and with the caveat that I didn't go back and read chapter one first (where some of the following may have been addressed) a few minor suggestions for tweaks...
From the top:
"The call that I'd received on that quiet night at the bar had come from a lawyer, one I wasn't familiar with up until now. Daniel Fern. Just another one of many law firms in the city. Not one of the top dogs as far as I could tell, but I guess they can't all be.
Daniel had asked to meet.
So that night, at the Crescent Moon jazz bar, Carlos was seated at the bar..."
A minor niggle... Assuming Carlos is the narrator, as you started in the first person I would suggest sticking with it (I was seated at the bar...), or tweak the opening lines to match the rest (3rd person).
The opening suggests, to me at least, that the narrator was having a quiet night out, got a call, and agreed to meet the lawyer the same evening... if that's not your intent, tweaking to something like (with the added benefit of increased tension immediately)...
"It was a quiet night at the bar, and he was late. The call requesting this meeting had come from a lawyer I wasn't familiar with, from a law firm I'd never heard of. Not one of the top dogs, as far as I could tell, but I guess they can't all be.
Daniel wouldn't say what he wanted over the phone, only that it couldn't wait.
So here I was, at the Crescent Moon jazz bar, sat at the bar staring at the whiskey I'd been nursing for the last twenty minutes..."
And one, fairly major, 'problem' (for the lack of a better word):
"I've just taken on a case. A murder case. The brother of the victim came to me to get a trial and prosecute the suspect. The key witness to this murder has been* killed just days after she saw it. I've got no decent evidence to work with to convict and the whole thing is just a total ball ache. We can't even find the suspect to prosecute."
*was
A private prosecution for murder? Surely that'd be the remit of the DA? - I could, however, see the family coming to a lawyer to try and track down the suspect (and/or the witness killer) that the police can't locate, and him coming to the PI to do the leg-work.
First up, I like it - a mix of narration and prose with decent scene setting, nice tension between the characters and a bit of dry humour too.
That said, and with the caveat that I didn't go back and read chapter one first (where some of the following may have been addressed) a few minor suggestions for tweaks...
From the top:
"The call that I'd received on that quiet night at the bar had come from a lawyer, one I wasn't familiar with up until now. Daniel Fern. Just another one of many law firms in the city. Not one of the top dogs as far as I could tell, but I guess they can't all be.
Daniel had asked to meet.
So that night, at the Crescent Moon jazz bar, Carlos was seated at the bar..."
A minor niggle... Assuming Carlos is the narrator, as you started in the first person I would suggest sticking with it (I was seated at the bar...), or tweak the opening lines to match the rest (3rd person).
The opening suggests, to me at least, that the narrator was having a quiet night out, got a call, and agreed to meet the lawyer the same evening... if that's not your intent, tweaking to something like (with the added benefit of increased tension immediately)...
"It was a quiet night at the bar, and he was late. The call requesting this meeting had come from a lawyer I wasn't familiar with, from a law firm I'd never heard of. Not one of the top dogs, as far as I could tell, but I guess they can't all be.
Daniel wouldn't say what he wanted over the phone, only that it couldn't wait.
So here I was, at the Crescent Moon jazz bar, sat at the bar staring at the whiskey I'd been nursing for the last twenty minutes..."
"I've just taken on a case. A murder case. The brother of the victim came to me to get a trial and prosecute the suspect. The key witness to this murder has been* killed just days after she saw it. I've got no decent evidence to work with to convict and the whole thing is just a total ball ache. We can't even find the suspect to prosecute."
*was
A private prosecution for murder? Surely that'd be the remit of the DA? - I could, however, see the family coming to a lawyer to try and track down the suspect (and/or the witness killer) that the police can't locate, and him coming to the PI to do the leg-work.
Well, it's an intriguing start... with a strong hook that's perfect in concept for a thriller/mystery.
I know it's 'only' a draft, so I'm sure the formatting will be sorted in any finished article to make it easier to read... (e.g. spaces between paras, indents, etc)
Many good aspects, one gets a real sense of the connection between the title characters in so few words.
Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with your prose but, there are a few places that I'd, maybe, approach things slightly differently than you have here:
e.g. "Sam watched as the full moon rose over the cloud covered mountains, blanketing the scene with hues..." --> I would probably have gone with 'Sam watched the full moon rising over...'
"She had no idea of what was really going to happen to him soon. The mistakes he’d made." --> other way round? "She had no idea of the mistakes he'd made, or what was going to happen to him soon."
Either way, I look forward to seeing how/if it develops :)
Fairly decent short sci-fi story, not quite sure about the QE element (it being many years since I studied physics), but the multiverse aspect is credible backdrop to a 'time travel and rectify everything' type story.
Overall it's a little saccharine for me - but that's entirely subjective (obviously).
Some of the dialogue seems a little 'formal' in places, e.g. "Hey, big crybaby, what is going on?" - might not most people use contractions in such settings? ("...what's going on?)
Further, for the genre, the narrative could be more dramatic / engaging / exciting... e.g. for the opening para, something like:
Harold could only stand staring in horror, knowing everything was about to end. The fireball raced towards him as his body crumpled under the full force of the explosion, the shockwave lifting him off his feet, throwing him away from where the lab once stood.
Trees and pieces of debris flew past him as he tumbled across the field until it happened. Maybe it was nothing more than an artifact of a dying brain, but he air seemed to rip open and, in a moment of perfect clarity, he found himself looking down at two fields. One enveloped in fiery death and destruction, the other untouched by the hubris of man.
(NB I'm not always great at explaining what I mean, so find it easier just to illustrate, as above)
Well that was a fun little diversion, highlighted a few things I've forgotten since way back when (must be 40 years since I last went to church/sunday school)... but a couple of questions presuppose facts not in evidence...
e.g. "Who was Jesus's real father?" presupposes God is real. "Who does the bible claim to be Jesus's real father?" might be a better variant to get the 'correct' answer indicated.
I like the overall composition, it evokes a nice 'melancholy relationship breakdown' vibe - easy to imagine backing music too.
That said, not knowing what melody you had in mind it's kinda hard to see how the some of the lyrics might fit... (if it's anything like the tune that popped into my head that is):
Something like:
"I’ve given you many reasons hoping that you’d see me.
It’s been many lonely years, sad thatsince you’ve set me free.
I’d give you my creative, if we were meant to be.
I’ve turned from all my hopes and shattered dreams. And liveding my life alone in sadness since you’ve turned from me.
There’s no time for us, no longer reasons to discuss, you simply have let me be."
Fits better with the melody I'm hearing/feeling.
Similarly, something feels 'off' with the first chorus... but I can't quite put my finger on what, precisely... But the other iterations feel much stronger.
And, in the final verse:
"I’ve suffered through homelessness, sadness, along withand despair.
Very strong/emotive ending.
Sorry if that's not very helpful but best I could do :/
OK, I know there are plenty of foot lovers out there, and while I can't say the fetish does anything for me, I know you'll have an audience, even with the Pokemon crossover :P
I like the initial interplay between what Ash is thinking (italics) and May's actions... that sets the scene well. It appears from your descriptions that you've aged the characters a little (which is probably a good idea - given my limited research indicates both Ash & May are 10).
The pacing seems reasonable overall, although maybe a little rushed in places, with a nice little twist at the end.
There are, however, some odd (to me) word/phrase choices throughout that you might want to take a look at to improve readability / narrative: NB I'm not too good at explaining myself at times, so I'll try and illustrate :)
e.g. The opening paragraph... Could be rearranged and consolidated to give more information about characters and setting from the outset (useful for us non-pokemon fans)
"May. Of Ash Ketchum’s little band travelling through the Hoenn region, she was the only girl of the group. Boy, did it make his heart flutter when the two were alone. Although he hid it decently well from her, Ash’s private moments would include lots of thinking about May."
--> "Ash Ketchum's little band travelled through the Hoenn region. Ever since $name left, it was just Ash, Max, Brock and May. Ash didn't really care for Max but May, oh how his heart fluttered whenever she was near - he couldn't get her out of his head, though he hid his feelings well.
"Every day, his favourite part of her visually would switch. Sometimes, he’d adore her wonderful-smelling brown hair"
If he's focussing on what he can see, then it strikes me as odd to shift straight to the way her hair smells... so maybe take out the 'visual' reference, something like --> "He couldn't settle on his favourite part of her, it changed every day. Sometimes..." maybe?
"“Ash!?” May was muffled by Ash’s tongue penetrating her deeply." --> "May's voice was muffled as Ash's tongue pushed deeper into her mouth."
Ok, where to start... I like it, probably a good place eh? A nice emotive, nostalgic piece (albeit over a sad event) - adult eyes looking back on a childhood memory/trauma.
It has a lot going for it, finishing strongly but, I feel, the opening could be tweaked some to make it even better...
Given the subject (loss of parents in a house fire), the opening line feels 'off' - I never understood what actually happened as I was barely 8 years old at the time...
If, as I suspect, you meant the girl didn't ever find out, precisely, what happened (how the fire started, etc) then something along the lines of I never learnt how it happened. I was barely eight years old the day everything changed. My memory may be fuzzy, but I'll tell you what I can... might be better.
Breaking into shorter sentences emphasises the event and the passage of time since 'way back when'. The abruptness also reflects the change the character went through.
Nice bit of nostalgic scene setting follows, relatable with the 'it's all I knew, so I didn't realise' aspect, and implies the strong connection to home and family.
We lived in a small town called Remember. I was an only child so I did not realize how poor we were. I happily played with my homemade dolls that Mama made, dressing them in hand-stitched clothes from scraps of worn material.
But, unless there's something I'm missing, the next paragraph would benefit from a few changes to make it 'flow' more like a memory - maybe emphasise the difference between now & then...
e.g. What was our neighbourhood like? Well I remember playing in the streets, free like the the cats and dogs everyone let run wild. Most every house had an outhouse and an inside pump for water, not like now... Jobs were few and far between back then, but that hardly seemed to matter. No, people were happy with what they had, we looked out for each other, like a great big family...
Yup, that's it... I hope that doesn't sound too negative because it's really not... 'twas just a lot of words to suggest a few minor tweaks :/
On first impressions, I like the cadence of the piece, the staccato structure plays well into the uncertainty & emotional response you're describing to this weird circumstance. Meeting your doppelganger (or even seeing another person's) can be quite shocking.
That said, there's one part that seems a little 'odd' to me, or maybe it's just the way I'm reading it...
This section seems to imply and ongoing / repeated relationship... (after he/it disappeared even)
"Then it ran full speed at me with its arms outstretched and two seconds before it got me, it disappeared.
But things started to get strange as we spent more time together. People would mistake us for each other, and sometimes even our closest loved ones couldn't tell us apart. It was like we were two halves of the same person, living separate lives."
But then you state it was a one-off event?
So you might want to consider adding something to show the (transient?) return of the doppelganger (Additional tip: add some extra 'colour' with more description, similies, etc...) Something along these lines, maybe...
"I froze as it charged at me. It flew at me arms outstretched, hands clawing at empty air. My breath hitched as it disappeared, just before it should of hit me.
And then things started to get stranger. It emerged from the bushes, chasing me through the park like we were playing some demented game of tag."
And, maybe play off that to show how the folks in the park reacted/couldn't tell you apart before (or after) it finally disappeared for good... or just change the "People would mistake us for each other..." to something like:
"We were identical in every way, I doubt even my closest loved ones would have been able to tell us apart. It was like we were two halves of the same person, living separate lives."
Hope that helps :D
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