*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/donseptico
Review Requests: ON
58 Public Reviews Given
60 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review by DS
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ok, that's rather relatable (having taken kids/teens on school trips, and the like)... just the sort of thing that:

a) siblings/friends might do to one another,

b) a teen might worry about - how the staff, rest of the class, etc might react), and,

c) how a teen might fixate on one (undesirable) solution when 'better' (from his perspective) options were available (bin it outside, flush it, throw it out a window).

It's technically well written - The only tweak I might suggest would be to break the intro para (to exaggerate/enhance the building tension): i.e.

"Time was running out and a decision had to be made. <break>

His..."

Short and sweet, word limit no doubt, consequently kinda lacking in the resolution...

There's scope to expand into a nice comedic short story though, if so inclined...

*decides no, series of mishaps, gets 'found out', plots revenge on friend, enacts plan (failing in humourous ways) until finally succeeding, too late.
2
2
Review of Falling  
Review by DS
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

Short, but I'll assume that 100 words was the limit for the competition... and you do manage to tell a whole story in those few words.

You set the scene nicely in the opening paragraph, with some nice descriptive language.

There's only a few minor tweaks I'd suggest.

1st consider moving the 'But' from the start of second para, to the end of the first:

...rushing winds. But...

He...

Adds a little more tension, imo.

And, as every word matters in such short pieces, there are a few you could cut to give scope for a little more elsewhere:

e.g. "plummeting toward ground, falling... tumbling without control..."

"...fate taunted with hopeful promises of chances for escape."

+2 words that could be used something like this (nb changed word order, same overall count):

"The stupid parachute wouldn't open!

Gravity, that cruel mistress, continued along her merciless path mercilessly dragging him down."

Anyhow, good job overall :)
3
3
Review by DS
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, TLDR A good start to a potentially interesting story, but would benefit from a some polishing.

Things that stood out as I read through include:

Great use of descriptive language to paint a picture of the scene.

Reasonable presentation but repeated minor issues with layout, spelling, grammar, and/ or punctuation (see below).

Dialogue is decent and, more importantly, consistent (e.g. a character doesn't vacillate between 'sounding educated' and 'sounding uneducated' mid conversation).

Good as it is, there is maybe a little too much scene setting initially. Makes for a bit of a slow start.

On the presentation:

(Very Minor but) Quite a few places where an extra line has been inserted - cosmetic only.

e.g. "...streets,

}“Do..." (Extra line instead of space, random }

e.g. "...men below,
“There’s the..." (return instead of space.)

Which may be artefacts of transferring from a file?

"as he climbed up the slope to stand next to his sister..." (As, capital at start of a sentence.)

Examples wrt punctuation:

"Zenniths streets..." ( Possessive, Zennith's)

"...rested a reassuring hand over his sisters..." ( Possessive, sister's)

"Farryn said with a soft giggle," (Typo, full stop)

“Hello? What did we just read like not even five minutes ago?” Sibei asked with a hint of sarcasm in his voice, Farryn scoffed in defiance," (Both marked commas should be full stops, should be an empty line before Farryn reacts/responds (scoffs).)


Tense:

"Her remaining strength manages to break into the rock bed to pluck out one more precious piece of ore."

('managed', although it might read better along the lines of 'She managed to break into the rock bed with the last of her remaining strength, plucking out one final piece of precious ore.')

Something free like grammarly, and/or a proof reader (if you can twist someone's arm), might be worth considering to catch many such things before publishing.
4
4
Review by DS
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
OK, so with the caveat that I don't normally review (or write) 'serious' poetry... I'm leaving this note as you popped up on read and review:

Very first impression was a little groan, sorry - from a presentation point of view would it not be better to have the title (centred?) rather labelling it as the "Title."?

Similarly, the label for the byline (with a spelling error - by, not buy) is superfluous.

That aside, the piece stays on theme and easily conveys a personal journey through life (even for we of the most literal minds although, I suspect, there's greater depth there too) into and back out of the darkness, making good use of metaphor throughout.

With respect to the writing itself, it has a mostly consistent cadence / meter to it - although there's a place or two that could be tightened up, which cause unintentional (I believe) hiccoughs when reading.

For example:

Morals abandoned, in this cruel and absent realm,
Laughter silenced, as pain pierces, overwhelming all joy overwhelm'd."

Anyhow... what was going to be a brief note turned into a mini-essay on what is, mostly, a good piece.
5
5
Review by DS
Rated: E | (3.5)
First impressions: As a fan of urban fantasy this looks like a good story, even if the scene's a little short.

Dialogue and character reactions are believable in the situation (who would want to be hospitalised, again?).

It's mostly fine with respect to grammar & spelling, however there's a recurring 'issue' (for the lack of a better word) around your use of direct speech...

"You forgot the cinnamon sticks", a... --> the comma goes inside the speech marks (...sticks," a...)

"Get off of me!", came a... --> the comma isn't needed (here or inside the speech marks) as the speech is punctuated with an exclamation mark.

(There are plenty of guides out there, but this bbc one has pretty much all you need, even if for kids: https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/topics/zr6bxyc/arti...)

Hopefully that's helpful, looking forward to seeing more.

P.S. Just wondering how rigid writing.com's ratings are, does the use of a (very mild) expletive fit within their E - everyone rating?
6
6
Review of Trail Mixed  
Review by DS
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Good job, a lot of story told in very few words.

There's a decent set-up, it doesn't take long at all to cotton on to what's happening, nor to get a feeling for the characters. All wrapped up with a nice little twist in the ending.

Only one question: The security guards have the power to arrest someone there? Assuming they don't, as is the norm here, and that they'd know the limits of their powers (even if the kids didn't) might he not have said something like 'Hands behind your back kid, you're coming with us' rather than '...you're under arrest'?
7
7
Review by DS
Rated: E | (3.0)
OK, first 'broad strokes' impressions are favourable. A mostly well presented and 'up beat' look at a sensitive subject.

More closely: The initial simile is an apt comparison but, having started that way, mayhap you could have circled back thereto to conclude your argument?

While I'm as far from an expert on the topic as it's possible to be, yet something seems a little off when you describe 'a night's tears and drinking' as a type of depression. Anger or sadness maybe, but isn't depression - from the medical perspective - a longer term affair? A condition that ranges, as you allude, from 'mild & easy to rectify' (e.g. situational) to the far more serious and, potentially, life threatening?

You ask "Have you ever heard the phrase..." um, no, isn't it you can't be responsible for (as opposed to reasonable)?

And, finally, there are a number of grammatical, spelling and/or typos that have snuck through. For example:

overdose (rather than over dose)

"While all of those things we do to ourselves is understandable" - are

"We can change how respond (1) to these things by asking yourself(2) a few questions. "(3)Do these things that are happening to me serve me? Does this persons actions bring me joy and fill my soul with peace? How can my response to this serve others? Are others also affected by what is going on?""

The paragraph should, imo, be broken up here: separating your initial statement and reflection thereon.

"By asking yourself these questions'(4) it will do a few things..."

1. missing word, how we respond
2. ourselves
3. Not a quote or direct speech, no need for speech marks.
4. extraneous ' ( the word's neither a contraction nor possessive).
8
8
Review by DS
Rated: E | (4.0)
There's nothing (well nearly) as unreliable as an eyewitness... as your nine (mostly) sober customers prove.

It's a nice anecdote, presented well* and, fantasy addition or not, has all the hallmarks of a 'cheesy' comedy sketch with a frisson of 'what comes next?'.

New book 'Secret Diaries of a Club Manager' in the offing?

*Not convinced the use of bold was necessary
9
9
Review of A Golf Hazard  
Review by DS
Rated: E | (5.0)
A jolly little poem,
with good meter and rhyme,
'bout an injury most gruesome,
from not ducking in time.

A tale told with humour,
drama and flair,
tho I hear a rumour,
you weren't really there!

(There's a reason, or two, I don't write poetry! But thanks for the smile.)
10
10
Review of The Air Marshal  
Review by DS
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A fast paced short story with drama aplenty that has potential for expansion into a much longer piece of work.

The character(s)/situation will doubtless appeal to a wide audience but, for me, it doesn't quite hit the mark.

There's an abundance of descriptive scene setting (which is good), for example, but some of which comes across as 'labouring the point' - to the detriment of the whole.

e.g. in the opening passage, the first three paras use some 'interesting' metaphors to, essentially, say 'it was a dark and stormy day, and something felt off' multiple times. This could have been, imo, trimmed back to a single para.

Notwithstanding that the main characters come across as a bit stereotypical (but let's face it, there's probably a type that goes into that kind of work), there's good interaction between with, mostly, believable dialogue / actions.

That said, a few things stood out as potentially unbelievable/inconsistent that diminished my enjoyment somewhat.

e.g. Due to the locking/sealing mechanism, and massive pressure differential - would it actually be possible to manually open such a door at altitude?

Would the pilot/marshall not discuss the situation with the ground before acting unilaterally?
11
11
Review by DS
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmmm cookies!

Looks lime an easy enough recipe to folloW. I would, however, suggest a couple of alterations to the layout.

1. List all of the ingredients initially, with weights as an alternative to 'cups' (preferably in g as you give temperature in F & C). Also wondering why baking soda is in bold?

2. Remaining instructions, en bloc, are logical and concise. Rather than 'Add egg' after 2 mins beating, would suggest mix (or stir) in (beaten) egg.

I'd probably give them a go but for lack of ingredients ;)
12
12
Review by DS
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Not sure what's happening here, but seems to have glitched, repeatedly, on fiancé / fiancée (dependent on whether referring to Gary or Cherie).

"The next few seconds were going to tell whether Superstar was going to run with the fiancthing or toss it."

"Again, a fiancwould do something."

"...as Gary's fiancand maybe even manager"

That aside, well paced with good narrative and dialogue illustrating the relationship(s) between various characters, nice 'mini cliffhanger' to keep readers interested into the next chapter(s).

The story continues to develop well from the earlier chapters tat I read (but seem to have missed a couple).
13
13
Review by DS
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Presentation, dialogue and narrative are all good (and make sense even if you're not familiar with what went on before). Dialogue sounds very natural to me.

Notwithstanding that I haven't read the previous chapters, etc... I like both main characters herein, there's a clear history/relationship (not necessarily romantic, more siblings or cousins) between them that comes across loud and clear.

OK, interesting... I think I'm going to have to go back to the start to read the rest of the story. Good job.

A couple of 'nit-picky' things:

That gave him pause. "Wendys? Okay. I'm up." --> Wendy's
sunlight coming in around the draperies --> Drapes instead?
14
14
Review of Butter  
Review by DS
Rated: E | (4.0)
Subjectively, it was fun, but kinda weird. A good dollop of enjoyable humour with a little suspense and a wholesome conclusion... though quite why the protagonist would jump to the conclusions that he did I can't quite picture.

Objectively, the writing was pretty solid, nothing stood out as particularly 'problematic' (nor 'exemplary') with the presentation, narrative or dialogue to me, at least.

If I'm going to be ultra picky, there's either an errant return, or missing space between paras here:

"...Mick’s silos.
I walked..."
15
15
Review of the Shack  
Review by DS
Rated: E | (3.0)
OK, a nifty little short story, with scope to expand/treat as the opening/prologue to a longer piece.

Couple of things...

Some of the speech, to my non-American ear, 'sounds' wrong due to word order.

e.g. "Albuquerque sweetie. I got off the highway to pee while you were sleeping..." 'sounds' more natural.

Answers the child's question, then explains how things came to pass.

It's a little confused/confusing - would help to set the scene through the dialogue (and indicate changes like getting out of the car), greater differentiation between the ghost's thinking and the rest of the dialogue would be helpful (but maybe that's just my old eyes!) - colour could work here, but might look odd...

So maybe tweak the opening line to something like: "Why’re they here?" The thought rose from nowhere, a disembodied voice carried away from the parked car on the desert breeze. "One's a child! More thieves. Stupid, big mouthed townies. It’s My By God Place! STAY OUT!”

1. Sets the scene immediately,
2. Introduces all of the characters immediately,
3. (Being picky) Fixes a couple of 'issues' with punctuation (e.g. shouting stay out, so the exclamation mark is warranted)
16
16
Review of Game Set Match  
Review by DS
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
OK, so I'm not really a tennis fan which may be why your anecdote, in part, falls a little flat for me.

That's not to say that it's badly written - just that, until the very end, it reads as little more than a clinical match (well, set) report... this happened, then this, then that...

I would have liked to have seen a little more of what you were feeling & how the crowd responded in addition to what you did in there... this happened, my nerves started to fray as I looked for a chink in his armour... it was time to take a risk... so this happened, and it worked! I was still in deep trouble, obviously, so I doubled down... the crowd roared out their support as that happened, just two points down and I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe I could pull this back...

Oh and, Top50 might be 'nothing' to some... but I'd say out of a few billion people on the planet, or even 'just' a few hundred million tennis players, that most people would consider it a great achievement.
17
17
Review by DS
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
OK, you made me smile.

Mostly at the punchline, I'll readily admit,
From the picture that you painted, of the cheapskate little s***,
Through scenes too familiar, and peeks at family life,
Turnaround was fair play, for that man without a wife.

Meh, wasn't awful off the top of my head!

There were a few places where, imo, you could have made very minor changes to tighten things up for more consistency between couplets & verses...

e.g. The opening verse:

My grown kids took me out for dinner
to celebrate Father’s day.
I made sure to take my wallet;
knowing who'd have to pay.
18
18
Review by DS
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a problem to have. A subtly humorous (genuine?) anecdote that I can easily picture coming up year after year.

Well written, structured and, I assume, within the prescribed word limit but, being hyper-critical, and NOT to say that it's unclear who was speaking, but there are several instances where speech, direct or otherwise, isn't incorporated 'properly'.

If you had a few words spare, you could have tweaked things to keep even the meanest of grammar teachers content (N.B. I'm going for humour through hyperbole, hopefully that's coming across!).

e.g. “Here, let me put it in your fridge.” He carried it with pride...

“Here, let me put it in your fridge.” He said as he carried it with pride...

It's a minor point given that it's contextually evident who's speaking but, I suppose, that might not be the case for, for example, non-native speakers - hence my mentioning it.
19
19
Review by DS
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ok, notwithstanding that this is a very short piece for the given prompt...

Obviously it satisfies the prompt and is, I'm sure, relatable to mothers (ruing the loss of her child's locks) and sons (who developed/are heading towards male pattern baldness) as they age.

I have to admit, I tend to shave (or at least buzz cut) my hair right down in summer too, although that's more for comfort at the moment... can't say I'd want to wear a wig or toupee either, should it all disappear one day!

It's a little, umm, clunky (? maybe not the right word, but it's late and my brain's in neutral, sorry) in places...

e.g. My son hasn't been so blessed since he was a child, with gorgeous blond curls.

"... as a child with gorgeous blond curls." or,

"... as a child, when he had gorgeous blond curls."

Would read better, imo.

I also think the piece could have been presented better, by splitting it up a little more, with spaces between paras...

e.g.

...and they never returned.

My son is now 33 and...

He doesn't want...

It's a shock to see...

Given the, I suspect, very low word count allowed, tweaking sections (illustrated below) to remove repetition and 'unnecessary' detail can convey the same meaning in fewer words, that you could have used to expand on, for example, your reaction to the shock of seeing him shaved for the first time.

He doesn't want hair transplant, or heaven forbid, a toupee. So he just takes care of it the beginning of each summer by shaving his head, and going bald for the summer.

--> He doesn't want a transplant or, heaven forbid a toupee, he's content to shave his head in summer, and wear a hat at other times.
20
20
Review by DS
Rated: E | (4.5)
A nice, well researched anthology of female achievement over the last couple of hundred years that's well reasoned without coming across as 'preachy'.

You chose some interesting examples (many of whom, perhaps surprisingly, I was familiar with) to illustrate how some things have changed (and rightly so) for women and just how many of their contributions have been overlooked during & prior to that period.

If I were to be hyper-critical I might opine that it's a bit US centric, and question whether Kwolek discovered/developed Kevlar alone or as lead/part of a team - as is the norm in the sciences...

I spotted a very minor typo too: "use.. She" (if inclined to rectify).
21
21
Review by DS
Rated: E | (5.0)
Mr. Rath sounds like a character and a half and, I think, a gentleman I would have liked to have met.

This was a nicely crafted reminiscence of a teacher (and I had a few similar ones) using his almost Machiavellian wiles to snare the attention of your and, it transpires, other classes to impart a lesson making use of charm, wit and dramatic flare - something sadly missing from many teachers / schools these days (no room for personality any more,'robots' teaching to the test').
22
22
Review of After midnight  
Review by DS
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Observations as I read:

From the outset there are a number of grammatical issues that detract from the piece overall.

e.g. “So, the majority are in favour,”Mayor John Frankston declared, after the votes were tallied The committee murmured their consent, “Then I’ll give the winning sculptor the good news tomorrow.”

Note the missing space, extraneous comma & missing punctuation:- Whilst minor, a decent proof reader could help catch such things, leading to a more polished final product.

Other than that, a nice start to a spooky story that's generally well paced and full of character.
23
23
Review of Are You Ready  
Review by DS
Rated: E | (4.5)
A nice, compact little story. I laughed. I would have laughed more if there was the 'extra evil' twist in the tail...

The surprise being back at her own house, as everyone knew she'd react that way/force the confession from Harry - effectively setting herself up to attend.

Fitting that into the word count could, however, be tricky.

The dialogue was pretty good, I could easily picture the chars as an old married couple ;)
24
24
Review by DS
Rated: E | (4.5)
First impressions are favourable - nice start to a story, enough background to give a feel for the world you've built - details could be added later to flesh out, for example, how magic works (understandably omitted here given the word limit).

Most of the dialogue was good - from the formal tone of the Sword Master to Kian's voice. Some of the familial interaction, however, felt a little 'off' within the scene for me...

Requires only minor tweaks, imo, to make them more familiar, and less formal, with each other.

e.g. "Oh Kian, you made it!" --> "You did it!"

e.g. "Why, no," Kian answered as he leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Maybe some stinky cheese, but never chopped liver." --> "Chopped liver? Maybe a stinky cheese!" Kian laughed as he...

Still, great job overall, well done.
25
25
Review by DS
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
With the caveat that I didn't go back to read the earlier parts, I have to say I enjoyed the chapter and only found one minor issue ("...see a greethe smile..." - great? greasy?).

It's well paced, developing the story nicely, and easy enough to follow what's going on (ok, it's one of two things, I'll find out more in a moment when I go back to read the earlier parts) with a well defined protagonist and believable concept (bringing him back as the comic relief).

Looking forward to what comes next.
38 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/donseptico