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998 Total Reviews Given
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

This was a nice story. I liked the "battle" between the Owl and the Rabbit, and it makes sense to me that Rabbit won, so I'm as happy as the children in the story. *Smile*

My only comments would be that there are a few misspelled words here and there, and a few issues with commas. I think I read a run-on sentence as well.

Otherwise, great work! Congratulations on your win! Well-deserved!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello--

This story was very interesting, and I think it has great potential. However, there are a few issues that you may want to address. First, I think the story needs significantly more development. Some more background would be fantastic: who is this woman? Why has someone taken her child? Why should I, as the reader, care about what happens to her? I didn't feel any real reason to emotionally connect to her character, so I really was not moved or disturbed by her plight.

My second criticism can be easily tackled, I think, by addressing the first, because I found the story to be very rushed. The action was very erratic, and it moved from one scene to the next at a dizzying pace, without anything to connect one scene to the next. Again, I think that if you flesh out this story, you can easily solve this problem and slow down the story.

I do think that you have a great plot here. I think it is intriguing that she is going to be buried alive, partially by her own hand. But information would be great. Take care also to set the tone by developing the atmosphere.

These are just opinions humbly submitted to you to help improve your writing. However, please feel free to disregard anything you disagree with.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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303
Review by elizjohn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello--

Thank you for this information. This was very helpful.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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304
Review of Back to School  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

This was very cute, and I think you really captured the tone of a teenager getting ready for school. I'd like to say that I somewhat an authority on the subject because I teach high school. *Smile*

I don't really have any criticisms, other than this: I think the next time you create a static item, there is a button you can click to have the document presented with a space between paragraphs. It makes it much easier to read.

Otherwise, this was a very fun piece---and having already returned "back-to-school", it's very appreciated! It's a great reminder for me where the kids' heads are at when I'm teaching!!!! *Smile*

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of KZZZ TV and Al  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello--
Your story was interesting. I think you made a good effort to meet the challenges of the prompt, but I didn't really see a clear connection between the three elements. Not that there necessarily has to be a clear-cut connection, per se, but I felt that the phrases were incorporated to meet the requirements of the prompt without adding anything substantive to the story.

In terms of readability, there are grammar and punctuation errors within your piece. I saw some run-on sentences that could be cleaned up. For example:

“I’ve got less than ten minutes to air time, “Jennifer was fussing with her makeup because Walter refused to hire a make-up artist and she needed more foundation applied quickly.

Perhaps something like this:

“I’ve got less than ten minutes to air time,“ Jennifer said. She was fussing with her makeup because Walter refused to hire a make-up artist and she needed more foundation applied quickly.

With her pinky finger up she tried to drink the hot coffee leaning way over the table so it would not spill on her blouse and went immediately back to looking in her large table mirror.

Can I suggest something like this:

Careful not to spill hot coffee on her blouse, she bent over the table to take a sip. When she was done, she went immediately back to looking in her large table mirror.

I know that I took some liberties, but it's just a suggestion.

You did write some great lines throughout your story, though:

Her sound was enough to wear the horns off a Billy goat and Al’s horns were wearing thin. I loved this. I thought it was very sharp and concise. It stayed with me because I would use this to describe some people I know.

To lighten her thoughts, Al started singing, “three dimes on a doorstep” to the tune of “Three Coins in a Fountain.” In and of itself, this was a clever way to deal with the headache of the three dimes on a doorstep. Actually, I wondered to myself if it was a real song.

Anyway, this criticism is only meant to be constructive, but that said, these are also only opinions. Please feel free to disregard my comments as you see fit.

I would like to wish you continued success with your writing.
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John




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Review of Cars  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello--

This was obviously lovely but in a very sad way. I liked the style of your writing. I found it to be very rich and eloquent, and I especially enjoyed the first part of the story. It sounded very authentic. I could see the boy in the car preoccupying himself and then become active on the long road trip. I don't think you could have written that part any better. I also thought you did a great job meeting the challenge of the prompt with your story. I think you hit all the notes intended that such a statement would elicit.

The only critique I had was that in the second part, mainly at the beginning, it was a little hard for me to follow, and not because it wasn't well-written. I had to read down almost to the end to understand that she had recovered, but the boy had been injured. I wonder if this wasn't a case where more words to better tell the story would have helped. It could be something as simple like introducing that first paragraph with the phrase "....As I sit in the hospital, memories....." or, if you still wanted something more cryptic, maybe something like "....As I wait, memories...."
Anyway, it's just a thought.

Otherwise, beautifully written.

Elizabeth John
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Review of Alien Adventures  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello--
I hated this prompt when I saw but I just LOVE your story. You met the challenge of the prompt extremely well, with a subtle, sarcastic humor that I just adore (my favorite kind of sarcasm is that which is always subtle). The other thing that I thought was great was the ending. You could have easily ended it with the day at the convention being a disaster for the main character (which I thought you were going to do), but instead, it took a lovely turn, without being overly sweet or saccharin-y (hey look, I just made up a word!). Anyway, this was great and I really enjoyed
it. There were no writing or grammatical errors that I could find, and the language was spot-on. Great job and thanks for sharing!
Elizabeth John
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308
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your story had an amazing conclusion, in that you really went through a range of emotion: from anger & irritation to reflection to gratitude, and it was all very well done. I think that is what is the best thing about your piece. Thank you for sharing!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
309
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello--

This was really beautiful. I felt that I could relate to Gray-suit; I could understand her confustion at the mother's seemingly callous behavior. And I sensed that the mother was really trying to connect with the baby as much as possible, perhaps trying to will her essence to her child, if you will.

I only have one small critique: Normally, it would still be sleeping. In the sentence, you wrote "it". I got the impression that you were deliberately trying not to refer to the sex of the child? But instead of using "it", perhaps "infant" might work? It's just hard for me to see the word "it" using when referring to a person.

Great, great work. Really, I think the writing of this story was impeccable. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of End of the line  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow!

That was lovely and powerful, despite the dark nature of the topic you chose to write about. It was very well-written. It had a great rhythm, almost flawless, and I felt myself there, watching the action, observing this troubled young man grapple with his addiction. It was easy to feel sorry for him, and that is clearly a testament to the quality of your writing. So bravo.

I only found one small error: he hands. I think you meant to say his hands.

What a great story!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello--

Your story was interesting. I got the impression at one point that it was really a greater metaphor for the road that we travel in life. To that end, I feel that this reads more like an essay than a story with a clear plot. However, there is nothing wrong with that at all; my humble suggestion would be to reclassify it as such.

My one criticism is that there seemed to be a problem of tense. It shifted frequently from the present and the past, and as a result, it was a little disconcerting.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello--

Thank you for sharing your work. This was a nice piece, although it seemed to me to read more like an essay or a reflective journal entry than a plotted story---not there is anything wrong with that. However, and this may be a testament to the quality of your writing, but I really felt that you were just recounting an event that occurred in your life as opposed to talking about fictional events that happened to a fictional character. As far as criticisms go, there were a few spots that I thought were worded a little awkwardly in a piece that was otherwise done fairly well:

1) "...regardless of my hand resting on the steering wheel...." here, instead of "resting" I would say "directing".
2) "...Something tells me that I’d have..." here, I believe you have a problem of tense. I think it should be "told" instead of "tells".
3) ...Sat on the grass..." here, I think you need either "seated" or "sitting"
4) "... Perhaps ‘running’ is the wrong word..." again, I think this a problem of tense. Instead of "is", it should have been "was".

I do believe that you wrote some lovely passages written. These to me are the most notable:

"...The iridescent sheen was calming..."
"...The road was dusty, dry and quiet, and I rolled down the window to feel the breeze lift the hair from around my face..."
"...Granted, it wasn’t actually far to the bottom, but the descent was rocky, tumultuous, sharp..." The imagery in this sentence was very clear and concise, and I appreciated the images that this one in particular evoked.

Again, thank you for sharing. Please know that these are just my opinions, please use or disregard them as you wish.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of The Sound  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello--

I thought this was a pretty good story. Certainly, it was well-written. The story had a very good rhythm, and trying to anticipate if the character would ever find the source of the sound kept me reading, engaged, and intrigued. And although I liked the way the story ending, I did feel like I still wanted more information about the sound. I think I would have preferred something more definitive as to what the sound was. Really, that's my only critique. Otherwise, I actually could relate to the guy's situation in that something like that would have kept me all night too. I don't that I would have caused the chaos that he did, but it did seem perfectly reasonable. Overall, good job.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello--

I thought your writing here was very good. There is an obvious sense of control and care that is undeniable. The word choice is varied and it was because of this my interest was held. However, I wasn't exactly sure how it met the requirements of the prompt. Please know that I am not trying to be rude or disrespectful, but I just had a hard time following the story. It was hard to discern how he became integrated into his story---but, it could just be me. Again, this is not personal, just my opinion.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Liar's Deathbed  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello--
I liked your story. It was a very clever way to meet the prompt requirement, and the writing was great. You used a lot of imagery, and I could easily see the conversation ttanspiring in a lowly hospital room. My only critique would be the end. The beginning really had a great build-up and was unfolding beautifully, but then the end felt very forced and rushed. I got the impression you were just trying to end it. Now that the contest for this one is over, it may be worth it to go back and and enhance the ending a little bit more, for a richer fuller and more complete ending.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. Please feel free to use them or disregard them as you wish.
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of the other side  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello--
I thought your story was very interesting. It had a kind of "modern-day fairy tale" feel to it that I liked. I know that this was written as a contest entry with a specific word count, but I think it would be great if you fleshed it out some more. I was curious to know more about the character and why the things that were going on down the well were happening as described. I would have liked to know why the mother was spewing thorns & such. I think you could easily enhance the story with these details and still meet the word count. However, this is just my opinion, and if it doesn't mesh with your vision of your story, please disregard it. Respectfully, Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello--
I liked this piece. I thought that the premise was very clever, and of course, the humor throughout was very a propos. However, I would have liked the tone and the tenor of the story to remain consistent. The story begins with one particular style, very eloquent, verbose, very "old-world" (for lack of a better way of putting it) but as you go through it, the language shifts and changes and becomes very modern. I think that shift causes it to lose some of its initial punch. I would go so far as to say that if you had maintained your original style, the piece would have been even funnier because no one would expect those kinds of insults and remarks from someone speaking so well. However, in the end, these are all just my opinions. I certainly do not want to step on your toes! Feel free to take or leave these suggestions as you wish.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--
I thought your piece was very interesting. Certainly, your writing was on point: it was very clear and concise, very sharp. I liked it very much. I also thought it was filled with a lot of imagery, a lot of great descriptive language. My criticism is only that I wished I knew a little--just a little bit, mind you!--about where they were or what they were doing. Again, not so much that you lose the mystery, because I do feel that can very powerful, but really just enough to more fully engage the reader. Otherwise, it's a very good piece of writing.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
319
319
Review by elizjohn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello--

I liked your story very much. I thought that Isaac was a great character, and I could sense his conflict, his struggle. I also definitely liked the end (I love a good tragedy!). There were a few things that I thought you should look at:

"You good?" The next sentence after this should start the next paragraph. It shouldn't be part of the opening sentence.
"I will, he howls....." "I will" should be in quotations
"...my first hand grenade.." I didn't know that was slang for a beer. Maybe I'm getting old. If it's common lingo, leave it, but if not, I would take it out. It could be confusing---for a moment, I really thought it was a hand grenade, given what was about to happen.
"...my voice is drown out by the sound of gunfire..." should be drowned out....
"None of this was his problem..." was he talking about Jason or the old man? It's a little ambiguous.
"The man has him real wrapped up..." this sounded a little awkward to me. Maybe "the man has him wrapped up really tight...." Just a suggestion.
“and maybe tell them...." and should be capitalized.
"And we let go and I watch...." I don't think you need the "and' in the beginning. I think you could leave it out and it would be just as strong.

Last, I want to just highlight some of my favorite sentences in your piece. They either were wonderfully descriptive, extremely emotive, or just simply resonated with me, for whatever reason.

"...let my fingers run along the line of chips, making them sing out their foiled crackle...."
"...and little lakes pool around the rim of her brilliant emeralds...."
"...slowly pull the guns up towards him, orchestrating the symphony of steel...."

Continued success with your writing,
Elizabeth John
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320
Review of Boots  
Review by elizjohn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello:

I pretty much enjoyed your play. I wanted to read it because of the style you chose to write it in: a play, and to that end, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I thought the dialogue was spot-on, given the situation, and Roper hands-down was my favorite character. You wrote him some great lines, over and over again, and I laughed the most when reading him. I also think that the stage directions were great and provided a fantastic visual picture. I could really see the action as presented taking place on stage. However, I know that as it was a comedy, the comedic element is the relationship between Clarice and Boots, but try as I might, I just couldn't buy it. As I read it, I keep thinking that Clarice was going to pull a "Gotcha" on her parents. I think her reasoning for dating him was acceptable, almost to the point of being convincing, but something still held me back. Maybe a little more from Clarice earlier in the play that gives more insight to her character? Something that shows an immaturity that will help give greater authenticity to her behavior. I guess I say this because I teach high school and I deal with 17-year-old girls all day long, and it's really hard to mesh what I see everyday with what you have here, all things considered.

Anyway, I hope this helps, but please know that this is simply an opinion, and I mean no harm or disrespect to your work.
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Review of Skin  
Review by elizjohn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello--

I liked your story: fast, dark, and violent---I always find that to be a good combination! *Wink* I thought the writing was pretty crisp, and sharp, for the most part and I only have two critiques. 1) There are a couple of lines where you projected their thoughts. I would suggest putting those in italics. Right here, for instance: "....those eyes that told me don’t even think about it, don’t even think about it because I’ll hunt you down and hurt you, I’ll hunt you down and make you regret ever being born." And last, there is a spot where you used the expression severed in two consecutive paragraphs. I would try to change one of them (this is my own personal pet peeve, so you can disregard that one if you want).

Continued success with your writing.
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