Hi Max--
Sorry it took me so long to return the favor--holiday shopping and all that....
Anyway, I actually did start reading this a few days ago, but it was really late (like well after mid-night) and my eyes were fighting me to stay awake. So on the first read, I got half-way through it. On the first read, I guess because I was so tired, I missed the connection between the Puchner girl and Duane; I only knew that I liked the sound of the story and the movement.
On this second read, I feel even more strongly about the movement, the pace, and the tempo of the story. So far, I also like the main character. He's seems generally like an all-around good guy, but with his issues and quirks no different than anyone else. I did notice that he's ultra-neat; a nice personality trait unique to him. Makes me think of someone very rigid, very orderly. And given his issues with the new secretary, I think that holds true.
I only have one criticism so far, and that is with Bregas' character. In the beginning, when she is introduced, she has a "faint" Spanish accent. However, as the conversation goes on, there are points where you seemed to make a particular effort to focus on her accent, which of course, is in contrast to the initial description. For example, somewhere she said grad-you-ation or something to that affect. Because of the emphasis here (and a few other places) I didn't get the impression it was a faint or light accent, in fact, it felt and sounded pretty heavy to me. Of course, the easy solution to this problem is just to remove the word "faint" from that initial descriptive tag, and then you're good to do.
In terms of writing, I spotted a few things here or there. I'm sure you want to catch and correct them early so you don't have to be bothered later.
You wrote:
"It's a woman , sir.
My suggestion:
Eliminate the space between the comma and woman.
You wrote:
"My problem!" Her voice changed...
My suggestion:
I would change the exclamation point to a question mark. When I read it to myself, I heard it as a question.....
You wrote:
if he says he's one of them homo-sex-uals.
My suggestion:
Divide homo into two syllables, and put homosexuals in italics. I think it will give more emphasis.
You wrote;
Lola's one of them faggots what tempted him to stray from Jesus."
My suggestion:
I think you meant to say:
Lola's one of them faggots THAT tempted him to stray from Jesus."
You wrote:
Debbie looked up from where hunkered over her keyboard at the receptionist desk
My suggestion:
I think you missed a word:
Debbie looked up from where SHE hunkered over her keyboard at the receptionist desk
Anyway, I think you have a really good beginning here that will captivate the reader's interest and keep them engaged as the story rolls on.
Thanks for sharing!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John |
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