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Review of Knock Knock  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello--

Well, I wanted to return the favor. That was very interesting. I liked the one-sided dialogue, I thought it was pretty well-done, and there were some parts in particular that sounded very natural. And I also liked the way you wove outside elements into the conversation, like with the dog, for instance. That was very realistic and resonated with me.

I only have two critiques. The first one is minor, but I would tell you that there are some small punctuation errors here and there. For example, after What the? I would put some ellipses so that it looks like this: What the....? Just minor things like that.

My other thing was the "just keep reading these words" part. I assume they lulled and/or hypnotized the victim so that he could be slaughtered later? I wasn't really sure how it tied to the poster and the leprechaun, other than the leprechaun is alive and talks. What I did like was the ending, but I guess what I'm saying is the transition between the reading of the words to discussing the night's meal so to speak did not give me enough information to satisfy my curiosity.

Anyway, these are just my opinions. Feel free to disregard anything you disagree with.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello there--

I want you to know that the main reason you won was because I am the president of the world, and I have friends in high places----ha ha ha ha!!!! *Laugh*

Seriously, I thought your story was really good. I read it early this morning before I went to work, and the thing I loved the most was the paragraph about the similes and metaphors. That was my favorite part. I loved how with people's attempt to recite one, they had to be corrected. How true is that in real life!!!

This story had a great pace and flow, and you very ingeniously incorporated writer's games and tricks and themes very cleverly into the story. Actually, I loved the game Add-three-words. I have played a version of this game with my children, but we just use one word at a time. It never occurred to me to extend the number of words, so for the next road trip, this is definitely on!

Anyway, congratulations on your win, and thanks for the shout-out! It was a very pleasant surprise!

Elizabeth
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

You reviewed something of mine earlier and I wanted to return the favor!

This was a very interesting piece. I remember this prompt from the Writer's Cramp. You met the challenge of this prompt very well. The tone of the story was appropriate: a quasi-skeptical VIP guest of the bride has issues with the tone and tenor of the wedding, and that carries all the way through your piece. Equally important though is the sense of affection that the sibling has for her sister, despite what she perceives to be as her sister's antics.

I think this little story really rang true, because even though it was kind of a small mishap in scale, these are the kinds of things that happen all the time in everyday life. I'm sure lots of people can relate to this.

Thank you for sharing!
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello--

I really liked this, and I partially could relate to it in a very personal way. I was moved by the opening paragraphs of your story; I really felt as if I was reading my own emotions about one who got away from me years ago, so I was deeply touched by your words. I think you did a lovely job of describing unrequited love, I don't think I can say enough good things about it.

My only critique in your whole story was the very last sentence. To me, it sounded very contrived, very abrupt and trite, and after the overall beauty of your passage as a whole, that one line I thought was unnecessary. It detracted from the depth of emotion you so aptly described. However, this is only my opinion. Disregard it if you don't agree.

Otherwise, beautiful work. Thank you for sharing!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

That was really interesting. I'm still trying to imagine the circumstances around this street performer, his hovercraft, and why the burnt woman doesn't look so burned and why she is up and well, BUT----

I did enjoy it. I thought the flow of conversation and dialogue was fantastic. You got all the rhythms of conversation exactly right, as well as the intonations, and I could really hear this conversation taking place somewhere, like a conversation you overhear in a restaurant or something. It was lively and fun, and I found myself very much engaged and intrigued by this woman's little story as was her friend. *Smile* And her friend's responses were great. Very realistic, and I found myself chuckling quite a bit.

I take it the scene between the officer and the hovercraft guy is after the fact, but it's good to help clear up some things. And I would also venture to say that it too rings with a certain kind of reality in that I can see this kind of misunderstanding taking place.

All in all, a little odd, yes, but completely enjoyable, nonetheless!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow---

That was beautifully described. I felt beyond Gary and Carrie, the house itself was the main character of this story, and you really went to the next level with your descriptions. Fantastic. Your dialogue between brother and sister was very realistic, flowing very naturally.

My only criticism would be that I wish something more would have happened. One Carrie saw the woman in the mirror, it was a really great build-up, and as the reader, I was anticipating something on a grand scale was about to happen, and even though your story had a good ending, I really had been waiting for something more, and was a little disappointed when I didn't get it. Why was the old woman in the mirror? Who was she? What kind of death did she suffer? I thought this would have provided a greater, more satisfying ending for the reader. But again, your writing was really good.

Thank you for sharing!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
On share for reviews
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Review of Insert Title Here  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello--

You reviewed something of mine earlier, and I wanted to return the favor!

Well, I can certainly say I'm intrigued, but it would be nice if it were a bit longer--of as a preliminary chapter or what have you---to get an even greater sense of what is going on or what is going to happen. However, that being said, you have a lot of good stuff going on here. Your lead character is very interesting, and the tone you set by way of your character is very captivating. She holds the reader's interest well. I also liked your secondary character, Hanna. She is obviously flawed, and so far, given her flaws, you have described her very well also. The writing itself is almost a little gritty, a little "down and dirty", but in a good way. I anticipate hearing some salty language coming from your lead character. I get a vague sense of dark, smoky places, back streets, and a couple of unsavory characters will soon make themselves apparent. I hope that's what you were going for!

Anyway, thanks for sharing!
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello--

That is a lovely story, a tearjerker actually. Any kind of story of a vet coming home to surprise their loved one gets me every time, but it helps greatly that is also very well-written. It is full of warmth and emotion, and in a piece like this, that's very important. I thought you met the challenge of this prompt in a beautiful way; certainly, I was moved. Actually, I thought the twist at the end was great, that the child wanted to surprise the parent. I got the impression that was going to happen, but nonetheless, it still was a nice change in the tale.

I only saw two small errors.

One) You wrote:

“Dad, I want dad to be here.” She had answered.

Two things with this: if you leave it how you have it written, then you need a comma after here, and she starts with a lowercase "s". However, I think for my emotional impact, and a small but simple change would do:

"Dad," she said simply. "I just want Dad to be here." I think if you re-phrased it like this, it would speak even more to the emotion of your piece.

Two) You wrote:

Miriam noticed that she Jenny had eleven gifts to open.

You have both she and Jenny back to back. One of them needs to be deleted.

Anyway, that's it.
Thanks for sharing!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow, pretty amazing! I'm intrigued!

Your story had a great build-up, and the writing was spot-on. It flowed easily, and I was captivated by the story almost immediately. You certainly met the challenge of the prompt, but I wish I knew more about what was going on. Hopefully now that the contest is over, you are going to enhance it and develop it more (you'll notice I didn't see "revise" because I don't see anything that needs to change!) The tone of your story was really very lovely, and as a reader, I felt concern for Mahan, and I of course hoped that she would come to the right decision.

That said, certainly my curiosity is piqued. Your other characters, Mr. Gratius and Ms. Dowry were well-done, and I was interested to know more about them as well. Based on the ending, I wanted to know why Ms. Dowry was so dark, and Mr. Gratius so benevolent.

Good story, good use of 993 words!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Eleven Isn't Old  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there--

Can I see you so have the gift of writing dialogue? You really have a knack for it, and it always sounds so light and natural. I also just really enjoy your stories where it is only just straight dialogue. I really think that this is a cool way to tackle some of this short prose. You can get all the fluff out of the way and just get to the meat of the issue: the characters. In this story, your characters say so much! I especially related to the Mom and the way she kept insisting she was younger than she was. I've been going through that myself this year; every time my dear children (oh, no, you don't hear sarcasm there) remind me that I'm 40, I have to immediately go back and remind them that I'm 40....minus 12. So really I'm 28, although for some reason, they're not buying it... *Wink*

But anyway, this was pure light and fun, but very clean and direct, if you will. Again, great handle on the dialogue. Love it!

Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello--

I don't normally critique poetry, mainly because I feel like poetry is soo open to interpretation that I wonder if there really is such a thing as bad poetry....that being said, because the poem was about people critiquing poetry, I thought I'd take a peek. I think this is a good piece. Certainly you expressed your disdain for poetry reviewers very well. I think what I liked most about your poem is the topic matter. It is such an unlikely subject for a poem! But that's what got my attention, and I read and enjoyed it to the end. Certainly, I kind of agree with you about people's critique about poetry; they can be unnecessarily harsh for a form of expression that at its very core is meant to be free and unconstrained. Sometimes, people make you wonder....

Anyway, good job on this!
Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

Your story was very good. I thought it was mostly well-written, and I found little in terms of punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors to comment on. Certainly, you met the challenge of the prompt very well.

I think my only criticism--and it's really not a criticism, but more of an observation--is that if you had to improve on this story, I would humbly suggest to just flesh it out more. I think the character of Sarah could be richer, and perhaps more complex, if you revisit it. I'm sure that the only reason that you weren't able to is because of the word count, but now that you are no longer constrained by it, I think it would be well worth to just develop her character and the story more. And when I say this, it's not because you have a bad story. On the contrary, I think you have a good piece that was encumbered by the word count. Of course, as a contest entry, that could not be helped, but now, the sky's the limit.

In any case, these are just my opinions. Disregard anything you do not agree with. Happy writing!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Lion's Tooth  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I think I'm speechless.





But in a very good way. *Smile*

That was amazing. What a great story. Very tight, and the tension was so thick, you could cut.....well, I'm sure you know how the saying goes. Beautifully written. The dialogue was fantastic, so natural. It sounded like dialogue out of a script for a movie, it flowed so well. I felt that I was there, out there in the snow, listening to these tough, hardened men go at it out in the cold. I felt like I was out there, sneaking a peek at something I shouldn't be seeing, hearing, witnessing...but I couldn't stop. The story sucks you in and holds you fast, leaving you breathless at the end.

You did an amazing job. You should be proud.

In terms of writing mechanics, I didn't see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation. It could also be that I was so taken by the story and was reading so fast, I wasn't paying attention. But that's definitely not a bad thing!

Thanks for sharing!

Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

What a great way to meet the challenge of the prompt! In my own head, I kept thinking "I was walking down the street when I slipped on this banana peel...." Not very original or creative, I know, so I couldn't be more impressed with your take on things. Not only did you have a great idea, but you executed it well, also. The writing is very fresh and light, very tongue-in-cheek, I thought.

The only critique I have is a minor one, and I don't know how well you could take this suggestion and make it work accordingly, but just for the sake of argument, I hope you wouldn't mind hearing me out. At one point, the phrase "banana peels" really becomes redundant. I know you tried to break it up sometimes by just using the word "peels" and I think that helps a lot. My suggestion was maybe how about using the word "skin" or "skins?" For example, "the skins of the bananas..." It could be a little awkward though, I do see that. But it's just a thought.

Otherwise, a great, short read! I read it during my lunch break today, and it did just what I'm sure it was meant to do: made me smile.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello--

I just read your story. It's a bittersweet tale that I think a lot of people can relate to. Certainly, I think you met the challenge of the prompt very well. I do think that there are a few writing problems and issues here and there that you may want to look over to help improve the quality of your piece.

You have quite a few run-on sentences within your story that make it a little difficult to read. For example:

You wrote:
Janey forced a broken smile, despite the pain and torment she was in she cared enough about the rest of us not to let it show too much.

This one is easy to fix, though. It should look like this:
Janey forced a broken smile. Despite the pain and torment she was in she cared enough about the rest of us not to let it show too much.

(Also, if it's just the Dad in the room, who is the "us" that he's referring to? Shouldn't it be "me"? Just a thought.)

Here's another example:
You wrote:
The anesthetic claimed me at six, tough guy huh?

Although again, it could be easy to fix. I would combine it with your previous sentence for something like this:
In the operating room, the anesthesiologist put the mask on my face and told me to count backwards from ten. I was determined to get to one, but the drugs claimed me at six. Some tough guy I am, huh?

I know I took some liberties with that one, but it's just so you get an idea. Actually, it also helps transition the action of your piece. The story went from being in the daughter's room and hearing about the consultants prognosis to suddenly counting backwards from 10. It was a little confusing and jarring, and it took me a minute to realize that the action had moved from one setting to another. That's why I set up my example that way. Of course, you certainly don't have to use if you don't want to.

Lastly, I know that this is supposed to be an emotional piece, but you may want to take care so that it doesn't sound so "lovey-dovey" that it doesn't ring true. You may actually be able to cut out some of the dialogue towards the end in such a way that is actually more powerful and more moving than having to repeat and say the same thing over and over.

In any case, these are just my observations and suggestions. You don't have to use any of it if you don't want to, and they are certainly not intended to put down you or your work---just inspire improvement.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Freak  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello--

I thought this was extremely well-written. With the exception of maybe a misplaced comma, I didn't see any errors in grammar or punctuation or spelling. I thought the descriptions were very well done, and I was truly able to visualize what was going on by your description.

The one critique that I have though, is with the story itself. I didn't understand why she went from imagining lions to actually having lions approach her. Were they there to kill her? If so, why? She was dying anyway--albeit slowly, so I didn't understand the point of that. I noticed that this story was a flash fiction piece, so I wondered if because of the word count limitations if this was something that you were unable to address? I would have like some greater resolution because it was so well-written, so descriptive. I was very intrigued by her condition, and the circumstances of it brought her to the carnival. I thought that was great, and so it was kind of a disappointment at the end when the lions entered her trailer and I didn't know why.

In any case, I hope you keep writing!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

On share for reviews
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Review of Good Conversation  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello--

As a teacher myself, I appreciated this story. As a teacher in the Bible Belt, my appreciation for your story is doubled, if not tripled. *Smile* It was very well-written; the ease with which you control your pen is envious. The flow of conversation between Kyra and Jason was very natural, as was the narration of the story. And of course, the plot twist at the end was a genius and adorable. The story leaves the reader with a lovely sentiment at the end, satisfied and yet hoping for more, but of course, in a good way. This was very enjoyable, and I congratulate you on your win. The next time I see your name as having submitted a story for the contest, I think I'll just think twice about submitting one of mine! *Smile*

Congratulations again!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

On share for reviews
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Review of Heart's Desire  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello--

I really loved this. I don't know if the idea was super original but you told it very well. I liked the notion that the clones all considered themselves sisters, and they feared, loved, and cared for one another. You were also able to say quite a lot about Ms. Aubrey with very little---it was very clear the kind of person that she was, and it was easy as the reader to develop a strong dislike for her. Lastly, I didn't see any errors in grammar, punctuation or spelling, and that's always a plus! *Smile*

Great job! Thanks for sharing!

Elizabeth John
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Review of Rough Justice  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello--

This was such a great read! I thought your premise was very clever, very different from some of the other stories written today using this prompt. I liked that you went to a far away place with foreign people in a strange land. It gave the story a very raw, brutish kind of feel that I enjoyed very much. I also thought the quality of your writing was outstanding, and I didn't see any errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling.

Very cool! Thanks for sharing!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of The Interview  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

That was very well written. I thought your use of language was very eloquent, even when the dialogue was plain-spoken. Actually, I thought your command of dialogue was expressed exceptionally well. You told a lot of story with the small allotment of words you allowed yourself, which in turn demanded a very clear and concise narrative. You accomplished this with ease.

Nice read, thanks for sharing.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review of Growing Up  
Review by elizjohn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello--

This was a great story. I thought you told it very well. There were some passages that were beautifully descriptive, particularly the first paragraph. I thought you very aptly brought the reader into the world of the characters. Actually, as mom of three myself, I could easily relate to that situation: wanting to get the kids out of the house at all cost for a few moments of sweet, precious quiet. I also appreciated the tone and the tenor of the relationship between the siblings. Even as adults, my brother and I carry on as if we were still in our teens, hurling insults and nonsense back and forth at one another without stop, but at the end of the day, we know how much we care about each other. Your story resonates with that same kind of sentiment.

Also, I didn't see any grammar or spelling or punctuation errors, so that's always a plus!
Anyway, well done!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello--

That was great story. You easily, competently, and very creatively met the challenge of the prompt. The little story of the demon squirrel was told, and it was cleverly added into the main story. I thought the writing was good: I don't remember seeing any errors in punctuation or grammar, and so that's always a good thing.

Thanks for sharing your story!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello--

This was a cool story. I really enjoyed it, especially the tone. I could almost hear a country twang! I also thought you met the challenge of the prompt very well. Great plot, great pace, and like I said, great tone.

I only have one small critique: "Smoldering is the word usually used." To me, the way you worded this sentence detracts from the tone of your story. It kind of sounds like someone else is thinking it. Perhaps something like this: "So that's what they mean by smoldering, he thought." In this example, as it's internal dialogue, I would put it at the end of the paragraph.

Otherwise, I found this to be a very fun read.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was AMAZING! The dialogue was great, very realistic, full of humor, warmth, nostalgia. And the turn your story took when he shares with Cole the regret of his life, it was superbly done. You also ended the story very well, leaving the reader wanting more, but in a good way. I gotta tell you, I finished the story rooting for the guy, hoping Nick is going to be on the same page!!!!!

Anyway, this was a great read. There were a few typos here and there, nothing that a quick scan couldn't fix.

Thanks for a good read!!!

elizabeth John
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Review of The Bar  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello there--

This was pretty cool. Certainly, it was very surprising. I didn't expect him to admit that he was hearing voices in his head, telling him to do terrible things, and that really added to the drama of your piece here. I liked it quite a bit.

That said, I have only two criticisms:
"He said he kept trying to tell it "NO" but it began by screaming at him...." This is very minor, but the word by here is unnecessary. I would omit it.

Two: I wish the ending could have been a little bit stronger. I kind of get that the main character probably can't really help Kieran much, but giving what he's saying and what he's rambling about, I don't know that the narrator should just get up and calmly walk away--sorrow not withstanding. I think this could be easily corrected to make it more tense, and match the "shock" value of this man's stated problems. Something like, "I stood up quickly, backing away from this suddenly very scary man, but at the same time, feeling a great sense of sorrow. Years later, I now realize that this was a test that I failed miserably......" or something like that. That "years later" sentence that I just wrote is not great, but hopefully you get the gist.

Anyway, just thoughts and observations. Use or disregard them as you will.

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John
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