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36 Public Reviews Given
37 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Ellekonge  
Review by Eristikos
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Hawkmoth,

I think that you have the makings of a great story here! My favorite part is the last two sentences. I love stories with twists! There are areas where I think the story can be improved:

First of all, I recommend writing more in present tense versus past tense because it will allow the reader to become more involved with the story. A writer tends to lose a reader's interest when they write primarily in past tense.

I also think that there are some transition issues toward the beginning when you are speaking of the MC getting into trouble with "Gudrun." It is as though "Gudrun" disappears from the story entirely and the reader is left never really knowing the purpose of that character. I would either eliminate the character or develop that character more. Do you know what I mean?

Then there are the areas that every writer contends with that can be corrected with thorough proofreading. I recommend having three or four people read your work before you submit it to check for errors in usage, language, spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

All in all I think you have a good story as it stands, but making some of the aforementioned changes would promote it to great! I hope this review is helpful.

Carol
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Review of Austin Parks  
Review by Eristikos
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello Smiley1456,

Before I launch into the review I want to let you know a bit about myself. I am an avid reader and have been for all my life. Though I generate more readily toward horror, sci-fi, and fantasy, I also read from every genre with the exception of romance novels. I also have some experience with neglect, abuses, chemical dependency, etc. My review follows:

I think you have a decent hook and you cause the reader to want to know what will happen to Austin and his siblings and that keeps the reader pressing on through the story, so good job on that. There are some areas that need work, as I am sure you know.

First of all, I recommend that you have three or four people proofread your work for errors in punctuation, grammar, etc. before submitting your work. A fresh set of eyes really helps. :)

The second thing I would like to point out involves some of the actions of characters in your story. Teachers, nurses, counselors, and any other school staff members are required by law to report any perceived abuse. It doesn't matter if the child denies it or not. That makes the nurse having witnessed such bruises without doing anything unrealistic. That sort of thing happened back in the 70s and 80s, but it would never have gone overlooked after that. Do you know what I mean?

Along the same lines, I would like to mention that nurses typically do not have a person lay down when they use a stethoscope. They also do not typically advise students (much less students of opposite sex) to take their shirts off. Doctors don't even have people remove their shirts for that sort of thing. It is the same issue with realism here.

Since the dad is the abuser in the story, and he is drunk when the boys arrive at Austin's home, it doesn't seem to line up well that the dad would be so passive. Typically, when alcohol features prominently in a home, violence is more likely to occur when alcohol has been imbibed, especially to the point of drunkenness. Does that make sense?

The story suggests in many ways that food is more difficult to come by in Austin's home, so his best friend in the story comes across as an insensitive jerk when he eats the stale raisins, especially when it is later learned that Trey seems to come from a good home.

Additionally, it sounds like Trey's family knows that Austin is being abused and when Trey's mother "backhands" Austin, that seems to be a really brutish thing to do especially when later we learn that his parents are believers. A typical adult would see bruises on a child and fuss over them, but they would go to great lengths to avoid inflicting more pain. Does that make sense?

Please know that these are just my own personal opinions and they are meant to help and not hinder. I don't want you to read this review and be discouraged. Once you work out the kinks, I am sure you will go far! :) I hope this review is helpful and I hope you have a wonderful day!

Carol
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Review of Obsolete  
Review by Eristikos
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello John Nation,

I think that you have the makings of a great story here. However, it is exceptionally choppy and the readability suffers as a result. I think that you would do well to lengthen the story and add more details and perhaps more characters to the story. I would recommend working on the transitions between models as well. I would love to see this story developed further! I particularly like the ending when the machine turns the tables on the humans. :)

Carol
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Review of Curse  
Review by Eristikos
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Gemyny,
I want to tell you a bit about myself before I commence with my review of your story. I am an avid reader and I read books in nearly every genre. Horror is my favorite genre, but fantasy is a close second. I write horror, but have plans to write a fantasy series under a pseudonym in the future.

I think that you have the makings of a brilliant story. I like how you have developed your characters thus far and I think you are off to a good start. Please understand that the recommendations I make here are strictly based on one reader's opinion and the criticism is intended to be constructive and not destructive. My suggestions follow:

1) Make sure to proofread your work and correct misspelled words as well as fill in missing words. (I am sure you are already aware of this need, but I wanted to be thorough).

2) You are writing fantasy and you have the elements in place for a spectacular fantasy story. However, I think that the names you have chosen for your characters detracts the attention of the reader from the story a bit. When I was reading it, I kept going back to the names I ran across to puzzle out the pronunciation because upon first glance I kept wanting to read them differently. Personally, if I find a story difficult to read (a story that I must go back and reread areas several times) I am more likely to go for a different book. I am not saying that you should not use names that are very different, but rather names that are not common and merely deliberately misspelled, (i.e. Reagan and Violet). If you are writing fantasy-I am sure you have read much of it as well. Robert Jordan is one of my favorite fantasy authors. He uses names that are definitely odd, (Nynaeve, Rand, Mattrim, Egwene, Moiraine, Perrin, etc.), but those names are not names that we typically have ever heard of before. Do you know what I mean?

3) I think you have the potential for a great hook in the beginning with the "curse," but I think that more information about the curse should be given so that the reader is wanting to know how this curse came to be and the reader also has a better idea of what the MC is up against when she argues with her father about the arranged marriage. Curses can take many forms and when the MC asks, "...can the curse be real," it would further draw the reader in if at least some part of what the curse entails is mentioned.

4) I think that ultimately you have the makings of a great story and I look forward to reading what you choose to do with it. :) I hope that this review was helpful and please know that it is intended to help and not hinder. I wish you luck in all of your writing adventures.
Carol
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Review of An Inhuman Place  
Review by Eristikos
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Tyler,
I want to tell you a bit about myself first so that you get a feel for who I am because I think that can either lend credence to a review or take away from it. I am an avid reader and though I read stories in nearly every genre I gravitate more readily towards horror. I am also a Stephan King fan and have been reading his stuff since I was in elementary school. He is my favorite author of fiction. I write horror myself and most of what I am passing on to you in this review comes from my own struggles that I have faced. It is important that you understand that I am looking at your story objectively and though I do make suggestions, they are to help you and not hinder you or dampen your spirit.

I have read through your story and I think that you have the makings of an excellent thriller. You have the imagination to make this story soar! I especially like the way you describe the character's heart beating like it was "kicking double bass pedals." I think that is a unique description for something that is quite often described in stories within the horror genre.

These are the suggestions I have for you:

1) Toward the beginning of the story you wrote that the MC "theoretically" unlocked a door. I want to bring this to your attention because you described the character actually unlocking a door and it is impossible to do something in theory. You can ask a theoretical question, make a theoretical statement, etc.

2) Some of the story doesn't quite match up. You mentioned in the beginning that if you couldn't "steal something" from the house you were required to take a picture in the attic. However, before your reached the attic you mentioned your cell phone being broken. A reader will want to know how you intended to take the picture without a cell phone. Also, toward the end of the story you mention walking in a dream state to the room your father was in and then mention an "imposter" who is covered in bandages. A paragraph or two later you refer to this same person as the "burned man." This lends ambiguity to the story because it causes the reader (at least this one) to go back and reread previous paragraphs in order to determine if you are talking about the man in the bandages or a burned person that the reader somehow overlooked.

3) It is important to pin down your setting (not necessarily for the reader, but as a writing tool). I noticed that while there was a cell phone in the story (making it a story that takes place in a much more recent time), the bit about the straitjacket, electroshock therapy, and even the description of the mental hospital was rather archaic. I would recommend that you research the use of straitjacket restraints to ensure that they could be used during the time of your setting. Many of the laws regarding restraints have been changed and some states have banned the use of straitjackets while others have severely limited the use of straitjackets as restraints. Also, if the setting is to be more recent the comments involving "electroshock therapy" need to be updated. As far as I know the term used today is "electroconvulsive therapy" and the methods are much safer, much more subtle, and much less used.

4) Most writers (at least in the beginning) struggle with maintaining a tense without mixing them. I used to mix tenses all the time when I first began writing myself. However, this does not seem to be a problem for you. I do recommend that you try to use present tense as much as possible. Stories are much more exciting for readers when they are able to put themselves in place of the MC and envision doing things. When an author writes primarily in past tense, as you have in this story, it causes the reader to think about someone else doing things in the past and it limits the involvement of the reader in the story and it causes readers to lose interest as a result.

5) The last suggestion I have for you involves permission. It is important whenever you use someone's art work, whether it's photos, quotes, lyrics, or titles, that you obtain permission from the original artist to include it in your story. For example, in Stephen King's books he often uses song lyrics. However, he gains permission from the artists before publishing the book and he cites the work to give credit to the original artist.

I hope this review is helpful for you and I look forward to reading more from you.
Sincerely,
Carol


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Eristikos
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Groovystella,

I think that you have the makings of a good story here.

I don't think that there is any particular rule about this, but I would recommend italicizing your character's thoughts. It makes the reading less ambiguous for the reader and let's the reader know immediately that it is not a regular sentence. (This is just my own personal opinion).

I also recommend that you try to write in present tense as much as possible.

There are punctuation errors and some punctuation is missing.

Paragraph 7: "His brown hair came down to his eye brows normally but today he had it brushed aside." In the aforementioned sentence "eyebrows" should be one word.

Paragraph 28: "His eyes appeared to be slightly open but was swollen so bad she couldn’t see his eyes through the slits." In the aforementioned sentence "was" should be "were."

Paragraph 31: "She grabbed a dirty towel she had used to wax her car that was hanging in the garage, and wrapped the towel in it." In the aforementioned sentence it should state that the woman "...wrapped the bat..."

The only other suggestion that I can make is to try to keep the reader in suspense. This chapter as you have written it is fairly predictable for two reasons. First, it is a typical scenario that has been used in many movies and books previously. Second, the reader knows all of what happened with the dead guy right in the beginning. This is just my own personal opinion of course, but writing a story from an unexpected angle or doing a big reveal at the end is what I would recommend.

I think that it is great that you are willing to go down an avenue that people tend to overlook as much as they can in the real world. You can give a voice to battered women everywhere through your story. I hope the recommendations help and I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors. :)




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Review by Eristikos
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello BayLeigh,
I have reviewed this piece and have listed most of the errors I found as well as suggestions. I hope this review helps you in your writing. :)

First of all, I have noticed that you mix tenses in your writing. This is very common and I have struggled with it myself. I recommend that you proofread your work to ensure that the tense is the same. Personally, I try to write in present tense as much as possible because it livens up the reading. The errors aside from the mixed tenses that I found follow:

Paragraph 2 Sentence 4: Remove the "s" from "windows" and remove the word "even" or move it to follow "shutter."

Paragraph 3 Sentence 1: "Sooo.. What do you think?" It appears that you are using an ellipsis following "Sooo." Ellipses are supposed to take the place of missing text and the ellipsis is misused in this case. I recommend that you either use a comma following "Sooo" and change the "W" to lowercase or use a hyphen to separate the two and change the "W" to lowercase.

Paragraph 6 Sentence 3: "hand on" should be changed to "hands-on."

Paragraph 7 Sentence 2: "over grown" should be one word.

Paragraph 9 Sentence 1: "dirty cheap" should be changed to "dirt-cheap."

Paragraph 11 Sentence 7: A period should follow "promise."

Paragraph 12 Sentence 3: "wondered" should be changed to "wandered."
Sentence 4: "towards" should be changed to "toward" and the first occurrence of "was" should be removed.

Paragraph 15 Sentence 3: Remove the words "very far" because they are repetitive.

Paragraph 16 Sentence 2: "opened" should be changed to "open." "...of the room..." should be removed because it is unnecessary and creates a run-on sentence. "pushed" is also unnecessary wordage.

Paragraph 17 Sentence 3: "A" should be changed to "One" and add "the" after "showed."
Sentence 4: "tree house" should be one word.

Paragraph 18 Sentence 1: This sentence needs a period at the end, remove the comma.

Paragraph 19 Sentence 1: Change "little bit" to something else. Typically the word "bit" is not used to describe trees or woods. I recommend that you change it to read: "little patch," "small patch," "small thicket," or something similar.
Sentence 2: Remove the word "And." I recommend that you try to avoid starting sentences with "and" or "but."

I would be happy to review it again once you have made changes if you like. I think that this chapter grabs the reader's attention well and it made me want to learn more. I hope this helps. :)
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Review by Eristikos
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello there,
I really love this story. I found two areas that you might want to take a look at. In paragraph 19 you misspelled "bottle" as "battle." In paragraph 22 you wrote, "I remembered how sad she was when her dam died..." I am not sure what you were trying to say here, but since "dam" doesn't make sense to me, I thought I would mention it. Other than that, I think it was great. :)
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Review by Eristikos
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,
I absolutely love this story! Thank you so much for the pleasure of reading it. I look forward to reading more of your work.
10
10
Review by Eristikos
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hello there,
First of all, I want to say that the story itself is interesting and I would be inclined to read it. You have a great hook and the story makes me want to know more. However, there are numerous grammatical and spelling errors. There is also an inaccuracy that I want to bring to your attention. When you wrote, "...the school shrink, oops I mean student physiologist..." you mistook "physiologist" for psychologist.
I recommend that you proofread your writing before you post it and perhaps ask a friend or relative to proofread it as well. I think that most of the aforementioned errors in your writing could be avoided in this way. Personally, I am in the habit of having four people who I trust review my writing before I submit it. I would be happy to review this again once corrections have been made. I also want to mention that the title itself latched onto my curiosity and made me want to read the story. :)
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