Your poem is pretty good, but I found a few things that need to be addressed. I think that your "OH" in the third stanza will have much better emphasis if you put an exclamation mark after it. You also need a second 'l' in "wil[l]" in the fourth stanza. This may have been intentional, but you are missing punctuation at the end of every other stanza. Also, the words that rhyme such as "May, everyday, way, day" kind of make your poem jumble together in that section. Especially the stanza with the two lines that rhyme. I would try to think up of different words that you could rhyme.
Overall, I liked your poem. You have a nice theme going. Now, all you need to tweak it a little bit to polish it up.
Your poem is alright, but it could be much better. In the first stanza, second sentence, you wrote "Did you already lost hope". I am assuming this should read, "Did you already los[e] hope". In the first stanza you also put the question mark in the wrong place. It should either go at the end of "night" or "itself". Also, writing "night" then, "night itself" is kind of redundant. You also have random capitalizations in your second stanza. I am not sure if this was intentional or not. I like how you said "You cannot light ice", "only hatred sails through their veins", and "You cannot teach a deaf person to listen". However, the rest of the imagery you use seems quite elementary.
I have written many poems like this. I have learned the hard way that not a whole lot of people like poetry like this. What you have to do is just find the right words. You have to make the poem more universal so everyone can understand your poem. It seems that you are telling the reader what you are feeling, but the reader is not pulled in by it. The reader cannot relate to what you are feeling and saying. It does not leave them with something to think about when they get done reading your poem. The right words will eventually come. Just write, write, write, and write some more.
You have a good poem but it needs some improvement. The rhyme of your poem holds it together quite nicely. However, I have found a few things wrong with your poem. These are just minor things. The last sentence of your poem needs a period at the end of it. Your first stanza is much shorter than the rest of the stanzas in your poem. This kind of messes up the flow a little bit. I always to to make my stanzas as even as possible. Some of the way your sentences are arranged mess up the reader a little bit. The third sentence of the fourth stanza is quite confusing. The way it is arranged made me stumble a little bit and I am not quite sure exactly what it means. I would also recommend reading your poem out loud. You should be able to catch the lumps and bumps that occur throughout your poem. This will help you smooth out your poem so it reads well.
Other than that, I like your the imagery that you use.
I would like to say, first off, read your poem out loud. Your poem has some flow issues. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch these flow problems. Also your stanzas have unequal line numbers. I am not sure if you intended to rhyme the first and last stanza, but the rest of your poem throws the reader off a bit because it does not rhyme.
I like the imagery you use and you have a good story behind your poem. I think you just need to spruce your poem up a little bit and it will be much better. A little punctuation might help too. Your poem just doesn't draw the reader in as well as it should because of the flow problems.
Read your poem out loud. There are multiple sentence fragments and punctuation errors. If you don't catch everything the first time, you should be able to catch everything the second time around. You don't have a single complete sentence in your entire poem except for the first line of every stanza. However, you decided to not use any punctuation and that really throws the reader off.
My best advice would be to read the poem out loud. You may understand the poem, but the reader will have a lot of difficulty trying to understand what you are writing about because of the lack of punctuation and complete sentences. I like the imagery you use, but it is not enough to make up for the fragments. I would also suggest not using a question to open every stanza. They begin to lose meaning after a while.
Your poem is good, but it could be better. You have multiple grammatical and punctuation errors. In the first stanza, last line, you need a question mark at the end of it. In the first line of the second stanza you should take out the "in" so it reads: "One lone wolf who rages with hunger." This is also not a complete sentence. The third line of that stanza is not a complete sentence. You need to put a comma or no punctuation after the second line. In the third stanza, the first word "Whose" should be "Who's" or "Who is". The last line of the third stanza is not a complete sentence, you need to put a comma after the third line or no punctuation. The second line of the fourth stanza is, once again, not a complete sentence. In the last line of the fourth stanza, I believe "whom" should be "who". The first line of the second stanza should have a comma after it and not a period. Also, the third line of the last stanza is not a complete sentence. The last line of the fifth stanza is not a complete sentence. Also back to the second stanza, you wrote: "Though we look at the wolf in a savage way./ Is it possible they ever get a say?" In the first line you mention "wolf", but in the second line you mention "they". There is a disagreement between the noun and pronoun. One is singular and one is plural. In the third stanza, last line, you use quotation marks and Italics. You only need one of these.
Despite all of the grammatical and punctuation errors addressed above, I really liked your poem. The rhyme really holds the poem together.
You have written a very nice poem. I like the theme behind it. I include a lot of nature in my poems too. I did find one problem with your poem, however. The rhyme scheme is as follows: AABC AABB AABB. If you just fix the first stanza of your poem so the rhyme scheme matches the rest of your poem the reader will not be thrown off as much.
Your poem is not very poetic. I find that you could get the same meaning if you typed it in paragraph form. Also, your poem is all dialogue. I would try to add some more detail and imagery to your poem. This will draw the reader in more. I know nothing about how the characters feel besides through their dialogue. What makes this dialogue so special or unique? This poem happens to everyone. For most people this is a daily occurrence and is nothing new to the reader. I would try to spice it up a little bit. You need to draw the reader in a little bit more. Your poem is too ordinary to pull at the reader's emotional chords.
Your poem is simple and good. I think that the picture really helps with this poem. (Although I believe your poem could stand alone) The photograph merely complements it. However, I did find one little problem with your poem. This problem occurs in your last stanza with lines two and three. You cut off the line in very awkward place. If you read the last stanza out loud you will be able to catch this problem. The line just kind of ends and messes up the flow of your poem quite a bit. I would have to say that my favorite line is "Too cold for fishing or working on tans". I do like how there is blue skies and sunshine also.
First off, you have an irregular rhyme scheme. If you stick to a regular rhyming patter (the first stanza) things will flow better. Second off, there are flow problems with your poem. This is mainly towards the end of your poem. If you read your poem out loud, you will be able to catch these problems. You use the word "we" fourteen times within the first four stanzas. These becomes very tedious and redundant. You also don't use any "we"s in the rest of your poem. You use the word "our" thirteen times in the entirety of your poem.
There were some things that I found confusing. I found that this line, "Are you quitting your own race?" is a bit confusing. I am not sure exactly what you mean. Every "race" dreams. Another line, "Just as you have, your dreams are dead." I am not sure what "Just as you have" means. Just I have what? You has have punctuation problems: "Because when you do[,] you will no longer fly."
Other than these things, I enjoyed reading your poem.
Sincerely,
B.T. Lane
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