My first suggestion would be to proofread before you post.
You have a good start to your poem. I would suggest adding more to your poem. You repeat three stanzas of your poem and only two stanzas are not repeated. I would also refrain from asking so many questions in your poem. So many questions distracts the reader. I found myself answering your questions more than reading and analyzing your poem.
There are some organizational issues with your poem. Your lines are very short. I would suggest combining them to make them longer. A poem does not have to be longer to be good. I like the imagery you use along with the rhyme. That is if your poem was better organized.
I would suggest reading your poem out loud. You will and should be able to catch many more mistakes than you did while reading it silently.
"Snow flakes" should be one word, "Snowflakes."
"When will [the] sky open for rain?"
This line makes no sense, "What's in for new you call it a change."
You have a good poem here. Some of the first letters of your lines are capitalized and some are not. I would stick to all capitalized or only the lines that need to be capitalized.
In the last stanza, third line, "alway" should be "alway[s]"
There are some flow issues. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch these problems.
You have a good start to your poem. I would suggest making your poem longer with more description about this "land." If you do, I think that repeating the first stanza would be a good idea. This would probably make your poem more like a nursery rhyme. This is not a bad thing. Your poem kind of reminded me of "Grimm's Fairy Tales".
You have a good start to your poem, but it needs an ending. The last stanza should tie it all together and give the reader something to hold onto. I felt after reading your poem that you need two more stanzas that follow suit to the rest of your poem and then one last stanza that really drives a spike through the readers heart. With the last stanza, the last line should follow suit with the rest of your stanzas. The stanza should include something "you didn't know" that ties together all of your poem into one single point.
You also repeat "didn't" in the second stanza, second line.
You have some punctuation issues that make your poem a little confusing to read.
I would suggest reading your poem out lout to catch these issues.
Should these lines read like this? "He said, "You know, sometimes I don't want to love her anymore," / And I didn't understand. / They were a perfect couple...."
Or should they read as you wrote them? "He said, You know sometimes I don't want to love her anymore, " and I didn't understand / they were a perfect couple / and he said he was afraid...."
There are multiple ways of reading these lines. I gave you two. You know what you meant to say, but with the punctuation and where the line breaks are, the lines become difficult to follow for the reader.
Your poem is good and I like the imagery you use. I do have one suggestion for you: Read your poem out loud. The second stanza is one long sentence while the other stanzas are two sentences/fragments. There are pauses in the first and last stanza that help the reader ingest everything. These breaks allow the reader to pause and take a breath and take everything thing in, which is great. However, with the second stanza, the reader gets everything all at once and is forced to take a long pause and the end of the stanza to ingest what you have written. This messes up the flow of your poem a little. If you read it out loud, as I suggested, you will be able to catch this. I felt a little winded after your second stanza.
Your poem is good as it stands but I think you could have delved deeper within yourself to pull out the raw emotion. A found only a few layers to this poem which could have multiple layers. This may be because you don't throw in any universal experiences. The poem doesn't necessarily pull the reader in. It doesn't guide the reader along. You pretty much just use statements. You tell the reader exactly what he or she needs to know. At the end of the poem there is nothing left for the reader to think about except for "The good times we had."
You also need to use correct pronouns. This line should read "Wishing [it] will be gone in a while."
You also capitalized the "i" in "it" in the next line.
"There's no reasons" should be "There are no reasons."
"Replaying this songs in my head" should be, "Replaying [these] songs in my head."
"Cause" should be "Because."
Proofread before you post.
I would also suggest using some better imagery. The imagery you use is quite elementary. Expand your boundaries.
My best suggestion for you is to read your poem out loud. If you do this, you should and will be able to catch the problems with your poem that you did not catch by reading your poem silently.
Your poem is good. I like the imagery you use. However, you did not need to be perfect with your syllable count. You can let it slip here and there to make your lines read better.
You do have some punctuation issues. For instance, you wrote, "A full, bright moon, hangs in the sky." This line should read, "A full bright moon". Commas create pauses and your comma placement creates irregular pauses.
In the last stanza, you write, "I stand upon the moonlight shore," The line should read, "I stand upon the moon[lit] shore,"
My biggest suggestion would be read your poem out loud and you should be able to catch the issues you didn't notice while reading your poem silently.
Your poem is good, you describe time quite well. I like the imagery and metaphor you use to describe this word. However, the meaning behind this "promise" is quite ambiguous. What about this promise? Did the speaker keep this promise? Or did the speaker break it? There is too much left for the reader to decide in the last line. Something is assumed that the composer understands but the reader does not.
I am not the best a free-verse poetry but you managed to strike a chord here. I do have some suggestions for you. This is one long sentence:
"But not a soul on the planet can attest to their desire
Or resolve were it not for the continuity being exhibited
Day in and day out by all of the stout-hearted patrons
And actors setting out to enjoy the fun-filled, robust scene,
A Broadway musical or play devoted
To our most special, engaging talents…"
I suggest you shorten it up a little bit. If you read your poem out loud you will understand what I am saying. With this long sentence, you leave the reader without room to breath. You give the reader time to soak in what you are saying. Just as quickly as they read each line, they forget what you are saying. Then they have to go back and reread those lines and then continue reading your poem. A reader should only have to read your poem once, and never go back to reread anything.
Elaborate on this. I find that this is something you would repeat in a much longer poem. It feels like a chorus for something that is not present. In this poem, you say the same thing everyone else says. It's the exact same thing but in different words. Why was this 'excerpt' created. There seems to be a much bigger picture that you are not telling the reader. Express yourself better. I have read a hundred poems like this. They don't convey any sort of emotion. It is all the same to me. Expand your horizons. Say the same exact thing but in better different words. Explain yourself. There are things that you know that the reader does not. At this point, after reading your poem, the reader still doesn't know much.
You let some go, who cares, I don't. Why should any other reader care? Make them care. Give the poem layers that they can pick off and peel;explain yourself. You tell the reader exactly what you want them to know and nothing else. Give the reader something to think about and hold onto. People dream of others all the time. The dream of them at night and daydream about them in the day. You give the reader no reason to care. This theme is so common that to really get the reader's attention you have to be completely original. This has happened to men and women since the beginning of time. Why is your story so different? I'll answer this question for you: Because it's your story. You, on the other hand, make it just like every other story. There is nothing special about it. It is the same story that has been told and retold. Make it your own.
In the first stanza, last line, "excap" should be "escape."
In the third stanza, I would recommend writing "Her name means hatred, / estrangement [and] fatality." I am also unsure why you capitalized "estrangement" and "fatality."
In the fifth stanza, second line, "distill" should be "distilled." There should also be a comma after "down". In the next line I would write it as this, "[She] withstood [the] abuse..." However, you would be repeating "she" three times within the same stanza. Maybe something like this, "[She] withstood [the] abuse, and [will] [now] return the favor." There are many things you can do with these two lines to make them sound better. This is just a suggestion.
This is written in prose. Poetry written in paragraph from requires a certain kind of poetic devices to make it poetry. Your 'poem' does not contain these devices.
"I love you so much my dear another body." I think that, "I love you so much my dear [other] body" makes more sense.
There are multiple errors in this line. "You was always looking for me yes,this had to be because You-are-me." This is how the line should read:" You [were] always looking for me;yes, this had to be, because you-are-me."
You have a good start. I was suggest fixing those errors and reading this out loud. You should and will be able to catch certain parts that need a little work.
This is very good and very truthful. However, it is listed as a poem. I would rather call it prose and write it as prose. With the meaning behind this writing, I believe it should have longer lines. I believe this peace should unravel the way it should and not the way the lines tell it to. The line breaks really distract the reader from this unraveling. This writing tells a lesson, but the reader contemplates to much on each line. The flow of the writing should come naturally and I feel the only way to really accomplish this is to write it as prose. Some things are better as poetry whereas other things are better as prose. I believe this would read much better and portray a stronger message if it were written as prose. While I read this I thought of Walt Whitman. His writings are prose. They are long flowing and unraveling lines. The only places where he shortens his lines he does so for emphasis.
I think that the smaller themes are within each stanza as a whole and not each line. The overarching theme is your entire writing.
"Too much aches I may bear" should be "too [many] aches I bear."
"Too [many] tears may shed"
You can count "aches" and "tears" but you cannot count "pain" and "blood."
I like this poem better than your last one but this one still needs a little work. I recommend once again to sticking to a regular rhyme scheme and to also read your poem out loud. The problems with your poem will stick out much more.
In the first line, I am not sure if you meant what you wrote. The comma placing does not make sense with the rest of the poem. You wrote, "In a quite, peaceful eve." Did you mean "In a [quiet], peaceful eve?"
This sentence does not make sense,"Piteous faces- sweated with bloods that ceaselessly bleed." You have two different tenses within the same sentence, "Sweated" and "bleed".
In the third line of the third stanza, I would take out the "were". "Bruised, maimed, wounded," sound like these words are being turned into beings and feel exhausted. This line can be read in many different ways. The words need to be equally distributed. However there is no subject so it could get a little confusing if you don't add a subject to that sentence.
The imagery is there but the irregular rhyme scheme messes up the flow of your poem. I would suggest reading your poem out loud and you should be able to catch the flow issues and the other mistakes that you have made.
You have a good poem here but I have a few suggestions for you. The rhyme scheme is off a little but the use of your imagery makes up for it. One sentence really does not make sense. I would suggest modifying it.
In the second stanza you wrote, "Those who Rome in their arrogance like Julius Caesar." I would change it. You are using the wrong form of "roam". I would suggest something like "Those roamers in Rome..." or "The roamers and their Rome...." It is going to take some fudging but I think you can make it work.
Your stanzas contain a different number of lines but I think you make this work with the imagery you use and the fact that your poem rhymes.
I like the imagery in the third stanza but as I stated before, the line addressed above does not match this form of imagery. The third stanza is full of double entendres whereas the other line is using the incorrect word.
Your poem is short and to the point. I do have a few suggestions for you. You capitalize the first letter of each line. The first word of the second line is not capitalized. Also, you write "A green tennis ball...", "A sodden trampoline", "[A] puppet show against the skyline". But why not, "[The] candle wax raindrops..." or "[The] wind-whipped strawberry plants?" Also I believe there should be a hyphen between "wind"and "whipped."
I believe you messed up on the spacing of this poem. Writing.Com has created certain tools to help you with this. They are located just above the "body" in the "edit" section of your poem.
If you intended it to be this way. Your description of the organization of your poem should not be part of your poem. Put a few spaces between your poem and the sentence.
First off, you need to correct your technical problems. Proofread before you post. Capitalize words that need to be capitalized, put apostrophe's where they need to be put, and spell out everything. You wrote "2" and it should be "two." Also, you shouldn't ask so many questions. While I was reading, I was too busy answering your questions to really concentrate on what else you had to say. Your stanzas have all different line counts. Stick to a specific number of lines. I like that you rhyme but with how uneven your stanzas are, it really messes up the flow.
My strongest suggestion would be to read your poem out loud. You should and will be able to catch these issues.
When I read the first two lines, I was disappointingly optimistic. The first three lines of your poem rhyme, the rest do not. This messes up the flow of your poem. In the last six lines of your poem you have another rhyme scheme which is different from the rhyme scheme in the beginning of your poem. If you rhyme, stick to a normal pattern, if you don't want your poem to rhyme, don't rhyme.
I am not sure what "sorrow ness" is. I would take out the "ness". "Reimburse" should be "reimburses." "Ware" should be "wear". You must proofread before you post.
If you read your poem out loud, you should and will be able to catch these issues and some other issues. You will see what I mean by the flow problems with the rhyming and the not rhyming.
All in all, the content is there, but you need to work on the technical issues of your poem. The poem loses is meaning when the reader keeps being tripped up by the technical issues. The reader loses focus and therefore must start over.
Your poem is good but I think it needs to be longer. Your conclusion doesn't pack as much of a punch as well as it should. It feels like your poem is still unraveling at this point. I just started to peel off the layers of your poem and then it ended. There was not much to hold onto by the end of your poem.
You ask too many questions in this poem. Is this poem about me or is about you. Your poem is much too short to be asking so many questions. I am too busy answering your questions instead of reading your poem. Questions tell the reader nothing about the writer. A question (1 question) is usually written to make the reader think, not answer. You also have an irregular rhyme scheme.
You poem does not pack a punch as well as it should. Yes, it is short but some short poems pack more of a punch than the longer ones. You need to make up for this shortness, and you have failed to do this.
I like the imagery you use, but your poem is too short to really pack a bunch. My suggestion would be to either make it longer or make it rhyme or both. As soon as I started peeling off the layers of your poem, the poem ended. I wanted more. Not 'more' in a good way but 'more' in a bad way. It feels like your poem was cut short, like there could be more, much more. Your poem just started to unravel and reveal its layers and then abruptly ended.
Sincerely,
I Will Sleep When I Am Dead
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