I think you have a good start to your poem. I have some suggestions for you.
My first suggestion would be to read your poem out loud. When you do this, you will be able to catch the issues you missed while reading silently.
While reading, I noticed that you are missing commas and periods throughout your poem. I would try to stick to consistent punctuation.
In the second stanza, why was the "heart broken" into "pieces?" Also, I am not sure what a "beating mosaic" is in the last line.
In the fourth stanza, I am not sure how "breath" can be "paralyzed."
The last stanza has some flow issues. You will notice this if you read your poem out loud. I am not sure why this stanza has nine lines whereas the rest of your stanzas consist of four lines. The first two lines of this stanza are two dependent clauses. Neither of these lines have a subject.
Lines three and four are also fragments. Neither have a subject.
I do like the imagery of the last line of your poem. However, isn't an "echo" an "answer?" There might be a better word to create the imagery you are trying to portray.
Overall, you have a good start to your poem, and I like the theme. With a little bit of editing, there will be much improvement.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good poem. I do see that the format does restrict you in a sense. With that in mind, I have some suggestions for you.
While reading I couldn't help but notice that some of your rhyme seems forced. In the first stanza, fourth line, you wrote "warning tone." This sounds odd. "Siren," "warning sound," or even "alarm" sounds better...but would not rhyme. "Death throes" sounds off as well in the second stanza, second line.
The word "perceptibly" in the last stanza, second line, sounds like a very uncommon word.
I am also not sure what definition of "prone" you are referring to in the fourth line of this stanza. I could not decipher through context.
"No witnesses left our death to expose" sounds off to me. It may sound better or make more sense placing a comma after "left."
The repetition of "Remains in orbit" is a fragment. There is no subject. What "remains in orbit?" It could be literally anything mentioned in your poem: the shuttle, the "Captain," "bodies," or even the "roiling planet."
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. I like how you chose to structure your poem. Sounds like a fairly decent challenge. With a little bit of editing, there will be much improvement.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good start to your poem. However, I found a major flaw which I will mention last.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud to see where there are flow issues. I noticed there was a flow issue in the second line of the second stanza. You may want to put the word "but" instead of a comma.
The third stanza was a bit confusing to me. The second line, "Has only been a year but it still hurts." I am not sure what the "it" is you are referring to. With the last line of this stanza, "As I try to deal with the pain that I've suffered." I am unsure what the "pain" is that the composer has suffered. There is not much context in the other lines to surmise what is being described. I would try to add more context or another stanza to help elaborate on or describe these two lines.
It appears that the third and fourth stanzas contradict the first and last stanzas. "Has only been a year, but it still hurts" and "It seems as though it now makes me sad" contradicts "Shocked me into joyful submission, / That dragged me from my weeks-long depression."
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. However, what you have written contradicts itself, and I feel like the meaning of your poem is lost.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I noticed some things while reading your poem, and I have a few suggestions for you.
In the first stanza, the last two lines, you repeat the word "red." I would try to replace one of these two words. With them being so close together, this becomes a little redundant. Also, in the second stanza, you are referring to the cockatoo's feathers again.
In the third stanza, this line is a little confusing: "There was growing sadness of what she could see." Did you mean "...from [what] she could see?" This line needs a bit of clarification. Also, "the lands she now roams." She didn't roam this land before? "Lands" should also be singular.
With the fourth stanza, the second line contradicts itself: "Nothing but stagnant waters grow." Stagnant waters grow? And then in the sixth stanza, you go on to say "But it was running dry and almost worthless." These two lines contradict each other.
In the fifth stanza, "biodiversity" and "country" don't necessarily rhyme.
In the second to last stanza, "watercourse" may need to be split into two words. It depends on what definition you are trying to portray.
In the last stanza, I am not sure what is going on with the quotation and speech. I feel like the third and last line should be included within the quotation marks. If this is the case, you may want to put these lines in italics instead of quotation marks. This is just a personal preference and may be easier to read.
"Coorah" is repeated five times throughout your poem. You may want to replace some of the repetition with "the cockatoo" since this word is only used twice within your poem.
I am not sure why you decided to put two spaces between the sixth and seventh stanzas as well as the ninth and last stanza. You only have one space between all of your other stanzas.
You have some misplaced commas throughout your poem.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for sharing and I like the moral behind it.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I am here again to review another one of your poems. I have some suggestions for you with this poem as well.
The first thing I noticed is that there is a lack of a connection between the title of your poem and your poem until the very last line. If this poem were to be published in a book, the description would not be included. How would I know what this poem is describing if I did not know the title. How would I describe a woman? This refers to the next thing I noticed with your poem.
Your poem is lacking in verbs, description, and figurative language.
What about "The twinkle in my eyes?"
What about "The confidence in my walk?"
What about "The many roles I grace?"
What about "My acceptance of my flaws?"
And then with the fifth and sixth lines you start using complete sentences.
With the last line of your poem, I am still not sure what "makes a woman" for the composer? The composer writes "I am a woman." What about "a woman?" Why is the woman "so beautiful?" How does a woman "bring beauty into this world?" You state something without backing it up.
Overall, there is room for much improvement with this poem. It was very disjointed and felt imcomplete.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good start to your poem. I have some suggestions for you.
My first suggestion would be to read your poem out loud. If and when you do this, you will catch mistakes, errors, and issues that you would not normally catch while reading your poem silently.
The first two lines of your poem have tense issues. The word "was" in the first line is in the past tense. The word "are" in the second line is in the present tense. The tenses of these to verbs do not agree with each other. "Are" and "said" also do not agree with each other. It would be different if someone was directly saying this or if it was put into a quotation.
"Child" and "said" do not necessarily rhyme.
With the last two lines of this stanza. there are some punctuation issues as well as some wording issues. As for the punctuation, you do not need a comma after the word "chance." You are dividing up a dependent clause. You could, however, put a comma after "If" and "chance." The wording is off in the last line. "there are aides galore to overcome." What "aides" does the reader need to overcome? Did you mean there are "aides" to help the reader "overcome" if we are "poor" at some of our senses?
The second line of the second stanza is difficult to understand. I think there are some punctuation issues as well as wording issues. Did you mean: "of the sense that i[s] missed, God forbid!"
The very next line is also confusing. There is no subject. I think the "God forbid" disrupts these two lines a little too much and the reader gets a little lost as to where he or she is supposed to pause or break.
In regards to your last stanza, there is no need for a comma after "that" in the first line and "right" in the second line.
In the third line, "less" should be "fewer." You can quantify "wars." "Less" should only be used when you can't quantify something like "hope" or "water."
"Hostage" and "shortage" slant rhyme. I'll let it slide.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. With a little bit of editing there will be much improvement.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good start to your poem. I do have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion would be to read your poem out loud. In doing this, you will be able to catch things you missed while reading silently.
Second, your poem is fairly long. I would suggest dividing your poem up into stanzas as to give the reader a break while reading. This will give the reader some time to breath and digest what he or she is reading.
Another thing I noticed while reading is that you have punctuation errors or inconsistent punctuation at the end of each line. You also have unnecessary spaces between some of your punctuation. The sixth to the last line is one instance of this.
In the fifteenth line of your poem and other areas you need to watch for speech. I believe the "singing" should be italicized or maybe in quotation marks.
I think that the description of your poem should be written more formerly. I would take out the ampersand and reword your description.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. The rhyme held your poem together well. Like I stated earlier, read your poem out loud and see what you find. Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good start to your poem. I have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. If and when you do this, you will notice things you didn't while reading silently. You will especially notice that there are issues with the flow of your poem.
In the first line of the first stanza, I think you could take out the word "Once." Your first line reads better without it. I am not sure what the "it" is you are referring to in the last line. You refer to your "heart," "other half," and "joy." Which one of these are you referring to? Or none of them at all?
In the second stanza, last line, the word "bae" seems out of place. I think it is unprofessional because the word is slang.
In the last stanza, second line, "taught me how to be" is very vague. What do you mean by this?
The last line of this stanza and poem doesn't wrap things up as well as I would have liked. It leaves things wide open. It appears that your poem is unfinished as if your poem just cuts off. The last stanza or two lines of a poem are what should tie up everything. Yours does not do this.
You have some missing or misplaced commas in your poem. This occurs mainly at the ends of each line. The removal of some of these commas will help with the flow of your poem.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this. With a little editing, there will be much improvement.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I am here to read and review another one of your poems. I have a few suggestions for this poem as well.
In the first stanza, second line, you forgot the 'n' in "wide-open." You may have been trying to rhyme with the word "hope" in the fourth line.
With the third line of this stanza, are you making a statement about the soap bubble or asking the reader if they remember the soap bubble? This is confusing. Also, this whole reference seems out of place. Interesting, but out of place. And immediately after this reference, you reference the dark sky with stars. There is a lack of parallel between the two references.
The last line of this poem is confusing, "This too shall pass..." What shall pass? I think that it is commonly believed that a night sky with stars is a beautiful thing to look at. Why would someone want this to pass? What is the "this" you are referring to? Are you saying that these "good" things will pass? Or are you referring to something that is "bad?" This line is repeated and is just as confusing in the other two stanzas.
In the second stanza, I am not sure what "Rub up your grit to a high gloss" means. This needs a bit of clarification.
In the last stanza, I am not sure what "But remember the promise that sunrise budge" means. "Make this song out of deep bass" seems out of context with the rest of your poem. It is also the last line of your poem and rather than tying everything up, it confuses the reader and leaves things open.
The capitalization at the beginning of each line is inconsistent.
The rhyme scheme is also inconsistent throughout your poem.
I do like the imagery in some of your poem. However, much of The imagery does not play well together.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. However, the imagery didn't compliment each other. This is very unfinished in respect to the fact that it needs an ending. An ending that ties your whole poem up and gives the reader something to hold on to after he or she is done reading. The description of your poem states what the poem is about, but your poem doesn't tell that. There is much clarification needed throughout your poem because of the imagery and lack of ending.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good start to your poem. I have some suggestions for you.
In the first stanza, second line, the word "Cuz" is very unpoetic to me because it is slang or an abbreviation. Or, maybe it was shortened intentionally to not disrupt the flow. Either way, it seems kind of out of place for your poem. "Cuz" is also used in the third line of the last stanza. This word makes these lines sound like the lines of a rap song. This may have also been your intention.
Some of your rhyme seems forced. In the first stanza, the words "stranger" and "meager" do not rhyme. In the second stanza, "gave" and "naïve" are slant rhyme. I will let that pass. Some of your rhyming words don't flow as well as they should.
The first two lines of the third stanza are confusing. Putting "I" before "Did" will help clarify things in the first line. (This line also sounds like rap.) With the second line, "and wow" sounds unprofessional to me. This is an exclamation. I would put a more poetic or heartfelt word in place to describe how the composer is feeling.
The word "Bizarre" in the second line of the last stanza is really out of place and almost feels like another exclamation.
I think the end of your poem is quite solid except for the word "Cuz." It ties your whole poem up nicely.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. With a little bit of editing there will be much improvement.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good start to your poem. I have finished reading and have made some observations.
My first observation occurs in the "description." I normally don't read the description because if a poem is ever published, the description won't be included. That being said, you have put a space before and after the period in your description.
And now for the body of your poem. In the first stanza, second line, "And no one by your side lay" sounds a bit odd to me. The wording in this line is a bit off. In the third line, I am not sure what "You need someone beside your stay" means.
With the second stanza, first line, I don't think you should repeat the word "above." I think you should replace the second word. The repetition makes the meaning of this line a bit confusing, as well. You have two "the's" in the second line. In the third line, the "l" in "[L]ord should be capitalized. With the last line of this stanza, I am not sure what "Is there anyone who loves me only" means. Are you looking for a companion or lover?
With how your poem is formatted, you should put the question in quotation marks in the first line of the third stanza. "Your expectations are nothing but just a myth" is confusing. In the last line of this stanza the words "heart core" sounds odd to me.
In the first line of the fourth stanza, what is the "it" you are referring to? "You just think about it everywhere?" What is the reader thinking about? In the third line, you again put a space before the comma and after it. I believe, the "I" in "it's" needs to be capitalized in the fourth line.
The last two lines of your poem sum up your poem well.
Overall, my biggest suggestion to you would be to proofread before you post. With so many errors, the message of your poem is lost. In conveying such a message as this, readers won't take you seriously with so many mistakes.
Much of your rhyme is forced.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have an average poem where there is much room for improvement. I have made some observations while reading.
The very first thing I noticed is that nearly every line is in the form of a question. I found myself answering all of these questions, and it turned out to be a huge distraction for me. I strongly suggest you make these questions into statements, and then go into detail about these statements. Add in some imagery describing them or how these statements came to be for the composer.
In the first stanza, third line, you use incorrect grammar. This line should read "...cannot talk to anybody?"
With the second stanza, the question mark at the end of the third line should be at the end of the fourth line. You are dividing up an independent and dependent clause. With the last line, I would try rewording this so it reads better. These last two lines are a bit longwinded.
Overall, I found there to be way too many questions in your poem. I found myself answering the questions rather than relating to the poem itself. I felt I could not establish a proper connection because of this.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good poem. I have made some observations while reading.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. I detected some flow issues, and you should be able to see this if you read your poem out loud. I think there is a flow issue because your whole poem is one long-flowing sentence which is divided up into lines that rhyme. The line breaks are in odd places and the piece does not allow the reader to pause and digest what he or she is reading.
Another thing I noticed is that your rhyme scheme is inconsistent. The rhyming pattern is as follows: AABBCCC. The second to last line slant rhymes with the line before it and after it.
Overall, I love the imagery you use. I wish the flow of your poem was a little better to make your poem easier to follow.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good start to your poem. I have made some observations while reading and have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. When you do this, you will be able to catch things you didn't notice while reading silently.
Another suggestion I have is something I observed. In the first stanza, second line, I think that the second part of this line "the one I adore" is unnecessary. I feel like you are restating the first part of the line just in different words. The wording is a bit off with the second part. Why would you not adore your lover? It sounds like you may have different lovers. I am assuming this is not what you meant to say. "I was with my lover" Which lover? "The one I adore." Oh, that one as opposed to the lover you kinda like or the lover that you hate? I think the second part of the line should read, "With whom I adore" or something like that.
With the last line of this stanza, "I knew I was in love, I just didn't know how much." I suggest taking out the "I knew."
With the second stanza, second line, "nothing was wrong" sounds a bit off to me, as well.
The rhyme in the second to the last stanza, is off. "Proportion" and "Adoration" do no rhyme.
There is also an inconsistent flow throughout your poem. If you read your poem out loud you will catch this. This should be a fairly easy fix because you add a lot of filler words throughout. Such instances are "I knew," "I thought, I knew," and "Just as." I would try taking some of these words out and see how your poem reads. You may also want to take out "holding her hand" in the third stanza. This is mentioned in the first line. I don't believe you need to reiterate "holding her hand" in this instance.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. With taking out the filler words, I think you will have a much better flow and poem. Your poem will roll off the tongue more. The fixing of the rhyme in the second to the last stanza will also help.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You start your poem off with "Another British Invasion is brewing in your head." This led me to think about or ponder a British invasion. You then go on to write "It never seems to go where you planned / but it almost always fits." What are you referring to with these two lines? What "doesn't seem to go where [I] planned?" And what "almost always fits?" These first four lines have no context with each other and without each other.
The next part that was confusing to me is the fifth through seventh lines. "Sometimes there has to be a little wreckage / before your beauty bounty / for everything to glow." This sixth line really throws me off. "before you beauty bounty." Did you mean "beautiful bounty?"
The imagery seems a bit off here with "...and the Earth is at hand." It sounds like it is the end of the world.
With the third to the last line, "you can stop being unbelievable," the word "unbelievable" seems a bit off in context with the rest of your poem. I would try to add a different descriptive word that fits better.
With the last line of your poem, I think you should take out the word "again." I am not sure if the poem is about finding oneself or if the poem is about knowing oneself, then losing oneself, and then finding oneself, again. I would suggest you clarify this.
Overall, I found your poem to be quite confusing as I am unsure what your poem is about. Your title says one thing, but your poem says something else. I do not and never count "the description" of a poem to be part of a poem. If a poem is ever to be published, the description will not be present; only the poem title and the body of the poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really nice poem. I have made some observations while reading.
I like how your poem flows. It is almost musical. The imagery you use is good. Some of the imagery you use, however, may not be understood by all audiences. Such words are "Pizzicato" and "forte."
You should also check your punctuation. You have some missing and misplaced commas and periods.
In the third line, "heart beats" should be "heartbeats."
In the tenth line, there should be a comma after the word "Oh."
In the eleventh line, "a lone" should be "alone."
With the last line of your poem, I am not sure why you capitalized the "b" in "[b]eautiful."
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. With a bit of polishing up you will have a great poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I noticed that you are new to this website. First off, let me welcome you to Writing.Com. Second, there are many tools, authors, and activities on this site to help you improve your writing. Please feel free to reach out to anyone, including me, if you have any questions about this site or even writing in general. We will be happy to help.
The constructive criticism that follows is not meant to dissuade you from Writing.Com or the act of writing itself. I can tell just by looking at your piece you are used to posting ideas or snippets of a stream of consciousness on social media. There is a certain etiquette that comes with creative writing. There is a professionalism that comes with writing although the writing may not be professional itself.
I can tell that you are just starting to post your writing to the public through various forms of online platforms. These platforms may include Facebook, Instagram, and maybe even TikTok. There is no problem or issue with this. I agree with getting your work out there to the widest audience possible. I was on these social media sites for a while promoting my poetry and book. However, with certain sites like this, feedback is not the top priority. Also, a composer's work receives a "like" and then is instantly forgotten. Posts on social media are fleeting and easily forgotten. This produces a very limited or no connection between the composer and the viewer/reader. This being said, Writing.com is a place to receive constructive feedback for your writings.
What follows is my review of: "Freaking Imagination coming true???"
I have read your piece and made some observations while reading it.
My first observation occurred in your title. I would stick to a proper title. The word "Freaking" is very unprofessional and may turn away readers. (I almost turned away but thought this may be a good opportunity to impart my experience in writing.) I would also consider using proper and consistent punctuation.
You begin your piece with "Guysss......." This is also very unprofessional, and you are also reducing your audience. Those who are going to relate to the word "guys" are those at a teenage level or even younger. (Turn away number 2) As of right now, you have lost most of your could be audience. Why would an audience want to read further?
My next suggestion to you would be to proofread before you post. You clearly have not done this. The very first line, "Have you ever thought of your imagination turn into reality???? I did think of it and now I'm like.." There are so many issues occurring in just this one sentence. "turn" should be "turning." The tenses of each sentence are different. "Thought" compared to "did think." And then you use the word "like" again.
The third line of your piece has an emoji in it as well as the sixth. Very unprofessional. (More of your audience is leaving.)
The fourth line of your piece begins with the word "like." How childish... The first part of this line reads "Like how come that be possible..." The word "come" should be "can." Again, proofread before you post.
I do not understand the comparison between you and "a file in [a] computer being corrupted due to a virus attack" and then being "updated with an antivirus." This part seems very out of context to me.
What are your "old / Not in need thoughts?" The reader can only understand what is given to them by the composer. "Recycle bin?"
As for the end of your piece, the last person hanging on the bitter end has left because of your hashtagging. Writing.Com is not social media. It is much more professional than a social media website. We are on here to help other aspiring writers improve their writing. We all take our writing very seriously. I am unsure why you decided to be so unprofessional and immature with your piece.
Overall, there are several more issues with this piece that have not been discussed. I wish you the best with your writing. Please feel free to contact me with any questions.
Proofread before you post.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good poem here. I have made some observations while reading.
My first observation is that your poem is very repetitive. However, I noticed that your poem is a Villanelle. I do not care for all of the repetition, but due to the Villanelle's limitations and structure, I will let this pass.
In the first stanza, I also noticed a verb/direct object disagreement. The word "Overpowers" should be "Overpower" in the last line. The "bagpipes" are doing the "Overpowering."
In the second stanza, the first line, I think "proclaim" should be "proclaims." This one is a little more difficult to figure out because "wailing" is a gerund. A noun that looks like a verb. In the last line of this stanza, I do not believe you need a comma.
In the last line of the third stanza, you do not need a comma at the end after "streets." You are separating an independent clause and a dependent clause. The first clause is a complete sentence whereas the second one is not. A comma is also not necessary after "hills" in the second line.
In the second to last stanza, the word "loves" should be "love's." This whole stanza is one long sentence. The comma, as far as correct punctuation goes, is incorrect. However, you may have placed the comma there to give the reader a break or pause. You may want to reword this to give the reader more of a break while reading this stanza.
With the last stanza, you need a period at the end of the first line instead of a comma. You do not need a comma at the end of the second line, either.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good poem. I have made some observations while reading.
I like the style of your poem where one thing leads to another or one idea or memory leads to another. I like the twist with the second to last stanza where "The sound of laughter, / brings back the sight of a carp." (This may have been a sufficient ending to your poem.)
The repetition in your poem becomes a little redundant. The word "smell" is repeated four times. The word "sight" is repeated three times. The words "can bring" are repeated four times.
I am unsure why you decided to put commas at the end of each first line of your stanzas. I think the line break is a sufficient enough pause to allow the reader to breathe going into the next line. I suggest reading your poem out loud to see what works best for you.
To me, the end of your poem was a little soft, almost cliche. Also, I think the word "that" is unnecessary. These two lines would then read, "The sight of a carp, / was the biggest fish your brother ever caught." The end of your poem wraps everything up nicely, but not as well as I would have liked.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good poem here. I have made some observations while reading, and I have a few suggestions for you.
In the third line of the second stanza, you write: "Like with a cat, I take my pause." I am not sure how I feel about the word "like." To me, it seemed childish or how a teenager would talk. Maybe you could switch out the word "like" for "as." This is just my opinion.
Another observation I have made occurs twice in the last stanza of your poem. This is the use of the word "but." In both instances in the first and third lines, I have come to find that these words are fillers to help with the flow. I don't think you need to use these two words in these lines. I would suggest reading your poem out loud to see if you could insert a different word to keep the same rhythm and syllable count.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem and it was quite whimsical, and I liked the comedic ending.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a mediocre start to your poem. I have made some observations while reading.
My first observation is that you have no structure to your poem. The first line contains two phrases as well as the third line. The second and last lines contain only one phrase. This feels more like a stream of consciousness or prose.
Another observation is that you use very little poetic imagery or figurative language. The imagery you do use is almost out of context. I had a hard time figuring out what was meant by the word "nectar." I am assuming you are referring to "coffee."
Your poem is kind of bland and ordinary. You may have been trying to portray this. I would suggest adding some more poetic devices to hold the reader's attention. There is no meat between your lines.
I would also suggest making your piece longer to draw the reader in more. Your poem is short. However, this is not a problem if it is able to draw the reader in and a connection is made. I feel as though there is little connection or a connection is about to be made and then it ends.
Overall, I think with some additional lines and a bit more imagery and figurative language you will have a much better poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think that you have a very depressing but very real poem here. I have written poems with this theme myself. I am glad I am not the only one. For whatever reason it is the direction I take with some of my poems. Too bad no one listens.
My only suggestion to you would be to change the year in the first line of your poem. Maybe change it to 2020 or 2021 or maybe something along the lines of "This year of our Lord" so the poem can stand the test of time. One could apply and connect with this poem no matter what year it is. The year 2150 seems to be very far off and not in any of our lifetimes to why should I, or anyone, care?
I didn't see any grammatical or punctuation issues.
Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good start to your prose. I have made some observations while reading, and I have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. When you do this, you will catch the things you missed while reading silently. Mainly, by reading out loud, you will catch how your piece flows. I did notice some flow issues. This should be fairly easy to fix.
Another thing I noticed is that you repeat the word "feet." The word "feet" is used three times. Some words are used twice and this is okay.
I am not sure why you capitalized the "f" in "Fall." You don't need to capitalize this letter. "Fall" is a common noun.
I am not sure what you mean by this sentence, "My feet are naked and I stomp times in a puddle of frustration." The word "times" seems out of place. This appears to be a typo.
"...on my bare hairs, / making my hairs stand up" sounds odd to me. I think because we typically refer to "hair" as "hair" not "hairs." "Hairs" is referring to single hairs located on an arm or leg. "Hair" would be on top of one's head. I understand that you are referring to the "hairs" that are not located on a person's head.
I would make sure that all of your 'Is' are capitalized. It appears that you have missed at least two in your piece. "...that i am not loved." Also, you need an apostrophe in "im." "...and now im numb." You also need to capitalize the "m" in "my heart."
Proofread before you post.
Overall, with much editing, I think you will have a much better piece.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a pretty good start to your poem. I have made some observations while reading, and I have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. If and when you do this, you will notice things you didn't while reading silently. You have a few typos within your poem. You use the word "they" three times in your poem. Two of these instances should be the word "the" instead of "they."
You have some missing and misplaced commas throughout.
I like the opening line to your poem, "Happiness doesn't live here." This line personifies the word "happiness." This is poetic. However, you use the word "happiness" two more times within your poem and these uses are not so poetic. "I look forward to visits from happiness" doesn't sound as poetic as I would like. This may due to the fact that the word is repeated. I think you can find a different word for happiness that will fit better here.
The last time you use the word "happiness" this is also the same case: "...until happiness brightens it up." You also want to make the conclusion of your poem pack a punch. You want to give the reader something to hold onto. I think this repetition makes your conclusion softer. It doesn't give the reader something to hold onto after they are done reading.
I would stick to consistent punctuation throughout your poem. Sometimes you use periods and sometimes you choose not to.
I think you describe "depression" very well except for the repetition.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a really good start to your poem. I have made some observations while reading, and I have a few suggestions for you you.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. When you do this, you will notice things that you didn't notice while reading silently. You will notice the areas that need a bit of fine-tuning.
Your poem needs a bit of tweaking. I think that you need to change a few words here and there to help establish better transitions between lines and stanzas and also to form clarity overall.
The piece may read better, and convey more meaning, written as a piece of prose. This is just my opinion.
Overall, I think you should sit down and figure out how to bring just a bit more clarity to each line of your poem. I am not saying your lines aren't clear, but they could be clearer to convey the most meaning to the reader. There is a difference between the right word and the almost right word. The imagery is good it just needs to be clearer so the reader can feel the exact feeling meant to be portrayed.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.52 seconds at 1:44pm on Apr 26, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "