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What I liked: He needs his silence! He killed his family and friends because they did not respect his need. And so now, he must give a speech (to the people watching him put to death?), and he will tell them that he feels no remorse. They didn't care about him, so why should he have cared about them?
I like how cool and detached your main character is. Nothing is really a big deal to him; it's just life. This is who he is, a quiet person who shows no remorse.
What needs improvement: There were several grammar and spelling mistakes, which I point out below: You Wrote:Im a very quet person by nature. I Suggest:I'm a very quiet person by nature. You Wrote:It seems though recently my conversation with family or friends have seized or at least slowed down. I Suggest:Although, recently it seems my conversation with family and friends have ceased or at least slowed down. You Wrote:Ive been a bit antisocial my whole life. But in recent years its been worst. Ive been staying in my room more and more, and not communicating with the real world as much. I Suggest: You need aprostrophes on all of the contractions in this sentence and others throughout your story. You Wrote:It was a little annoing, but, she was a sweet sweet girl. I Suggest: It was a little annoying, but she was a sweet, sweet girl.
Food for thought: Since I found this in "Invalid Item" , I was expecting a much scarier story. Your story lacks suspense and didn't scare me at all... however, you have a good, scary story in there! If you wanted to, I suggest you go back to the time when your main character actually loses it, and kills his family because he needs the silence. If you started then, the suspense and scare factor that is lacking will more than likely be there.
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What I liked: That was beautiful, and so heartbreaking. I was in tears by the middle of it. But you kept it moving, not letting it end on a sad note. You turned the sadness into resolve, and the way you describe your siblings and yourself all in the room together, it was a wonderful way to end.
What needs improvement: Nothing, as far as I could tell.
Food for thought: Thank you so much for sharing such a personal story. You are a wonderful writer, and can really evoke the emotions of your readers. Your descriptions were solid, and your metaphor of the ocean and grief was a beautiful way to link the entire piece together.
Thank you for sharing this. Good luck on getting this published. You deserve it.
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I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
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What I liked: The metaphor is beautifully written. Aspen, a woman who is hurt with a broken heart, seeks to hide in the forest with the trees to protect her, to comfort her. However, a storm drives her away, and she runs, runs, runs...but finally, when she reaches a clearing, she realizes she needs to stop and let all of her hurt out in the open. Beautifully written!
What needs improvement: There were several spelling and grammatical mistakes, and I will point them out as follows:
You Wrote: All around her long think trunks stood I Suggest: All around her long thin trunks stood
You Wrote: She spent every night in their branches high from reality has they rocked her to sleep under the night sky. I Suggest: She spent every night in the embrace of their branches, away from reality as they rocked her to sleep under the night sky.
You Wrote:Tighter she pulled her arms in around the small bodies. I Suggest:This is just an awkward sentence...
You Wrote:she yelled as her feet took flight int eh direction of the wind that taunted her, the wind that ruined the comfort of her tree shelter. I Suggest:she yelled as her feet took flight in the direction of the taunting wind, the wind that ruined the comfort of her tree shelter.
You Wrote:She ran. Her feet weaving in and out of
the trees. I Suggest:Either make this into one sentence (She ran, her feet weaving in and out of the trees), or change the tense of the verb in the second sentence (She ran. Her feet weaved in and out of the trees.)
You Wrote:Aspen’s feet halted at the command and in one small motion her knees gave in as well and to the ground her body went I Suggest:Aspen's feet halted at the command. Her knees gave out, and her body followed, crumbling to the ground.
Food for thought:I loved the metaphor that you weaved in this story. I would love to have known more about the man who left her, just for the sake of understanding Aspen's character more. Why did his leaving hurt her so much? What was their past together?
Thank you for sharing this; you have a way with words, and you expressed your idea very well.
I am a Power Reviewer, and I am Raiding your Portfolio!
I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
This review is meant to be helpful, and is an effort to help improve you work
What I liked: Silence is precious. It is in the silence that we truly begin to understand the world, and the people who are closest to us. Silence is a gift, something that many people do not recognized in this fast-paced world we live in.
What needs improvement:
You Wrote:He asked her to take him to the place where she's free, since she kept repeating she never feels free. Today, she just asked him if he wants to see that place where she is free. I suggest: These two sentences felt extremely repetitive.
You Wrote:The river wasn't beautiful, it was actually a typically ugly river with dirty water but the view was relaxing. I suggest:Despite the ugly, muddy river, the view was relaxing.
You Wrote:They set down under the tree and stared at the water, both of them silent. It was after a few minutes that she finally spoke up. I suggest:They sat down under the tree, staring at the water in silence. After a few minutes, she finally spoke up.
You Wrote:It's been a while since she felt comfortable enough to talk about her world with anyone. Sometimes, it felt as if no one will ever truly get her and understand. But for some weird reason her new friend did. And in not too much time he became that friend she always wanted in life I suggest:It had been a while since she felt comfortable enough to share her world with another person. Sometimes, she felt as if no one would ever truly understand her. But her new friend did. In no time at all, he had become the friend she always wanted.
You Wrote:Sometimes, it's more than enough just to have someone by your side, words are completely not needed. I suggest:Sometimes, it's more than enough to simply have someone by your side; words are not necessary.
Make sure you go back and check the tense of your verbs as well. I noticed the verb tense did not stay the same throughout the piece.
Food for thought: I love the idea of your story, you have a good start. Keep working on it, its coming along nicely. Polish it up, and keep writing!
P.S. You need to change the rating of this piece because of the cursing.
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What I liked: You have described the beauty of the ocean wonderfully in this short piece. I love your colorful word choice.
What needs improvement:
You Wrote: The ocean, The silvery blue waves crash on the white sandy beaches I suggest: The ocean. The silvery blue waves crash on the sandy white beaches.
You Wrote: As the sun clears so does the beaches. I suggest: As the sun clears the sky, so do the beaches.
You Wrote: And the sun disapears behinde the clouds awaiting another day I suggest: The sun disappears beyond the horizon, awaiting another day.
Food for thought: A beautiful start to a wonderful description of the ocean. Keep it up!
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I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
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What I liked: You are expressing a very deep message with your poem, and a very deep desire that people have of being understood, of being loved, of being appreciated. Many times, people are not fully appreciated until after they are gone. Very deep, very personal message to me as well.
What needs improvement: you wrote: Would you then try to understand who I am I suggest: You need a question mark at the end of this line. This is a question, and you need the punctuation mark to continue repeating. Consistency is important. You wrote: Forgive yourself for what you have become to be. I suggest: The last line is the only one that confused me in your poem. I'm not sure if you meant the "be" to be "me", or if that is how you meant it to be written. If it is how you intended, then that is the one line in the entire poem that is not clear to me...
Food for thought: I have struggled with this thought in the past, especially during my last year of high school when I pondered suicide. What would people do if I died today? What would they think of me, of my life? Would they care? Would they change? It is a serious question, and your poem brings those things to life. Good job!
I happened to see your piece listed on the Review Request Page, and thought I would leave you with a review!
This review is meant to be helpful, and is an effort to help improve you work
What I liked: Interesting story premise. I enjoyed how you transitioned between the different events that Spencer witnessed leading up to his death with the light. I could see the transitions playing out; you described it very well.
What needs improvement: There are a couple of misplaced or missing puncuation marks and a couple of structural things I noticed. These may seem a little nitpicky, but I'm simply trying to help polish up your work; use what you want, and ignore the rest:
Spencer walked into the bathroom where his girlfriend; Stacey, was showering. The semicolon should be a comma.
Spencer continued his reach towards her, but almost had a heart attack; his hand passed right through her body.
I suggest:Spencer reached towards her again, but almost had a heart attack when his hand passed right through her body.
A school bus was coming up the street behind Spencer's car, and he watched from the building as it caught fire.
I suggest:Since this is taking place at night, I think it would be more appropriate if it was just a city bus that catches on fire.
After completing the message, he clicked send, and put it back in its physical shell.
Who did he send the message to? I'm curious...maybe you're planning on explaining it more as part of the rest of your story, but I really want to know. Also, since Spencer seems so confused about everything that's going on around him, what about the cell phone made him pick that item, out of anything else, to really grasp hold of?
The tombstones around the people gave away this place's location; a graveyard.
I suggest:Using the words "tombstones" and "graveyard" give the story a feeling of scary things to come...I don't know if this what you intend at this point, since your story is called "Greater Good." I would suggest using words such as "headstone" and "cemetary" unless you are going to make the story scary. They just have a different connotation than what you are using now.
I was hoping for something different than what I see on my television" "It's just your mind's interpretation of death, and the afterlife" This is what you think the afterlife is, this is what you will experience" "Yes I do"
You are missing a period at the end of each of these sentences.
Food for thought:A good introduction! I'm excited to see what the rest of the story will be about, and how you will show us what the "real" afterlife is like.
I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
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What I liked: Wow!!! I really liked this story. Dr. Lindley loves her spiders, and is a bit of a spider herself. I loved the way you had her playing with the string through the entire story, and then she pounces on the police officer at the end, using it as her weapon! I have to tell you, I wasn't expecting that ending, and I loved it!
What needs improvement: I didn't see any mistakes. Good job!
Food for thought: I really enjoyed this piece; it was excellent! Nothing was irrevelent in the story; everything had a purpose. I've seen a lot of writers (including myself; I am so guilty of this!) who include things that have no real purpose in the story. Thank you; I will definitely keep your story in mind as an example as I continue to write.
Thank you, and welcome to Writing.com! You're going to love it here, and I can't wait to see more of your writing!
I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
This review is meant to be helpful, and is an effort to help improve you work
What I liked: I love the idea of your poem. Inspiration is a very elusive guy! I can easily relate to this poem, as I have had days (even months) where Inspiration will simply disappear. I can feel your disappointment and sadness with Inspiration in the poem. Good job!
What needs improvement: The second line of your poem is confusing to me; is Inspiration lying to you, and if so, about what? It just seems like he's taken a leave of absence based on the rest of your poem. Perhaps if you added another line and explained how he has lied to you, it would make more sense...perhaps he lied about coming back to help you with your writing?
Food for thought: I like what you have so far. I would like to see more use of poetic devices such as alliteration and a little more attention paid to the number of syllables in each line. Play around with it; I think you will discover how smoothly it rolls off the tongue when a definite rythm is established.
Thank you for sharing this, and once again, welcome to WDC! Keep writing!
I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
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What I liked: This was a wonderful story of friendship and how, even under the worst circumstances, can form. I remember when I was younger that a lot of the people who made fun of me only did so because they liked me. It seems contradictory, but it's what kids do. You expressed it very well in this story. Your characters are believable.
What needs improvement: There are some spelling and grammar mistakes in the story, but not too many. There are a couple of spots where you forgot a word or two, for example:
You wrote:
"I don't know, I guess is just fun," he said in disbelief.
What I suggest: "I don't know, I guessit is just fun," he said in disbelief.
Food for thought: This was a well-written story that I enjoyed reading. You kept the story flowing smoothly. Good job, and keep writing!
I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
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What I liked: What a beautiful story! I am so glad you were able to help your daughter realize how beautiful she is with Google. I loved your title as well. It's the reason I decided to read your story in the first place.
What needs improvement: I noticed that when you have dialogue between yourself and your daughter, you kept them in the same paragraph, right after the other. You do let the reader know who is speaking, but this can become confusing very quickly. I suggest you make each piece of dialogue into its own seperate paragraph. It will make the dialogue flow much smoother. I used to do this all the time, and I was amazed how much easier it was to understand my writing when I changed it!
Food for thought: I love the encouragement you were able to give your daughter. This piece could definitely become an inspiration for other young girls as well.
Good job, and keep on writing! Once again, welcome to Writing.com!
I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
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What I liked: I could really feel the innocence of the girl in the poem. The young woman who is unaware of how dangerous the world can be. She is still a child at heart, and does not realize how cruel the adult world is. I loved your repetition throughout the poem. It really emphasizes the innocence of the young woman.
What needs improvement: In the last line of the third stanza, you wrote: "She doesn't know not all words are true."
I suggest: "She doesn't know all words arenot true."
It flows much better with this slight rearrangement of words.
Food for thought: A wonderful poem. Thank you for sharing this!
Once again, welcome to Writing.com! I look forward to seeing more writing from you!
I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
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What I liked:I liked the dialogue in your story, and the repetition of how Jack was going to cook the egg, and then the dragon says the same thing when he hatches!
What needs improvement: I would like to have seen more information about Jack. When I reached the end of the story, I wanted to know exactly why he deserved to eaten by the dragon. Yes, you said he was mean, but you don't show how he is mean.
Food for thought: This feels like it would be a good children's story with a moral at the end (think of the Tortoise and the Hare). When I reached the end, I thought "you get what you give" would be a good moral; but there's not enough information at the beginning to reach this conclusion easily.
Keep writing, and I can't wait to see more from you! Welcome to Writing.com! You're going to enjoy it here!
I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
This review is meant to be helpful, and is an effort to help improve you work
What I liked:I liked the dialogue in your story, and the repetition of how Jack was going to cook the egg, and then the dragon says the same thing when he hatches!
What needs improvement: I would like to have seen more information about Jack. When I reached the end of the story, I wanted to know exactly why he deserved to eaten by the dragon. Yes, you said he was mean, but you don't show how he is mean.
Food for thought: This feels like it would be a good children's story with a moral at the end (think of the Tortoise and the Hare). When I reached the end, I thought "you get what you give" would be a good moral; but there's not enough information at the beginning to reach this conclusion easily.
Keep writing, and I can't wait to see more from you! Welcome to Writing.com! You're going to enjoy it here!
Welcome to WDC! This review is meant to helpful, and to help you improve your writing.
What I liked: Yera, this is a beautiful, and agonizingly sad poem. Your imagery is incredible, and as I read it, I could feel and hear the music of the orchestra. I could feel the emotions rolling off the page.
What needs improvement: I don't see anything wrong grammatically with your poem; I really, really like it.
Food for thought: I would have liked to have known more about the musician, and what happened that she no longer plays. What happened that she had to stop, and could only dream of playing the piano now?
I really enjoyed reading this poem. Music captures emotions so well, and your writing captured the emotions of that music. Keep up the good work!
Welcome to WDC! This review is meant to helpful, and to help you improve your writing.
What I liked: This is a beautiful poem about a person's unreturned love. Your imagery was beautiful, it really drew me in and I could really feel the sadness from not receiving the butterfly's love in return.
What needs improvement: The flow of the poem is wonderful. I would consider taking out the very last line of the poem, and change "on winds" to "on the breeze." It would look like this:
Dearest, I love, I love, and I love you well;
I'll never clip your wings-
For you are most beautiful
When you fly free
With blues and yellows dancing on the breeze.
Just a suggestion. It's always up for you to decide.
Food for thought: Thank you for sharing this poem! It was beautiful, and well written. When I read the poem, not only did I think of butterflies, but even affection for other people that is not returned.
Good job! Keep writing, and I hope to read more from you in the future!
Welcome to WDC! This review is meant to helpful, and to help you improve your writing.
What I liked: This is a wonderfully written poem. It flows beautifully, and the message is made very clear. It really shows how people view each other, and how your actions in the past can come back to haunt you in the future.
What needs improvement: I noticed in this poem, in the third stanza, last two lines, the rhymes feel forced, like you were simply trying to fill space. I think you could come up with something else that makes more sense pretty easily for those two lines. The meaning of the poem got lost here.
But my biggest thing doesn't have anything to do with the poem, but your rating. Because of some of your language, I would change the rating to 13+.
Food for thought: very dark thoughts in this poem. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you keep writing! Keep up the good work!
Welcome to WDC! This review is meant to helpful, and to help you improve your writing.
What I liked: I loved your personification of depression. He's always there, watching, and waiting.
What needs improvement: I honestly like it the way it is. The only thing I would change is to add some periods or commas at the end of your lines.
Food for thought: Thank you for sharing this poem. I, too, have had moments when I can feel depression lingering nearby. He's not a very nice guy, is he?
Welcome to WDC! This review is meant to helpful, and to help you improve your writing.
What I liked: I loved the imagery and your personification of mother nature and hurricanes. Your words truly convey how destructive a hurricane can be.
What needs improvement: In the fifth stanza, you lose the beautiful rhythm you had created with your rhymes. Also, along those same lines, some of the rhymes in your poem felt forced, like you were simply trying to find something to rhyme with...for example, in the first stanza when you rhymed "bread" and "dead." I don't understand what you were referring to when you wrote "of the sun's perfect bread"....
Some thoughts: Because I felt some of your rhymes were forced, I wanted to leave you with this food for thought: poems don't have to rhyme at all! You can use all kinds of literary devices other than rhymes to create rythm in a poem, such as alliteration, assonance, even the number of syllables in a line. I understand the desire to rhyme (it's a lot of fun!), but some of the best poems have none.
Thank you for writing this poem describing nature's wrath! Keep writing, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
What I liked:
I liked the story. Mason regrets having not reconciled with his father before his death, putting it off every year, believing there would always be another chance. But the chance is gone now, and he drank himself away, ending up getting himself beat up and thrown in a ditch. I thought the story was well written, especially the imagery.
What needs improvement:
I was a little confused by the "laughing children." The sun had only risen an hour ago...would children be up this early? The main reason I was confused was because in your first sentence you said it was a sleepy city, etc. and the streets were empty.
Overall, good job!
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I am a Power Reviewer, and I am Raiding your Portfolio!
This review is meant to be helpful, and is an effort to help improve you work
Welcome to WDC from "
Also, since Spencer seems so confused about everything that's going on around him, what about the cell phone made him pick that item, out of anything else, to really grasp hold of?
