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237 Public Reviews Given
251 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I give accurate and detailed reviews. I emphasize the points that I liked and point out the aspects that could stand improving. But if I can't find something nice to say, I make it a point to say nothing at all.
I'm good at...
Well, courtesy of the obsessive traits that are inherent to my personality, I tend to be very meticulous. So I read very closely and I pay attention to both the writing style and the message that you are trying to convey.
Favorite Genres
I'd read almost anything and everything, but fantasy, comedy and psychology based writings are more up my alley. I also enjoy romance, cuz, you know, who doesn't.
Least Favorite Genres
Horror. I am definitely not a horror type of person.
Favorite Item Types
No favorites.
Least Favorite Item Types
None.
I will not review...
I will not review any item if I can't find at least one nice thing to say about it. I am a counselor, it's in our DNA to lead with the positive. So, no positive, no review.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of The Tiny Buddha  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Invalid Item"  sent me out to find some of the best fantasy poems out there. So, I brought along my trusty rat (who I am almost 90% sure is actually a rat) and hopped on the Knight bus, for a terrific and exhilarating tour of WDC. My magical tour led me straight to this beautiful poem.

The description caught my attention. Belly rubs do not normally lead to great things in my world, but that might just be because I have a rat for a pet/familiar. Anyway, I was hooked, and the first line did not disappoint. You set the scene by bringing a scent to mind. A scent of all things! This is not done very often, and I found myself smiling as I read along. You then quickly established the scene, we now know it’s Jim’s birthday and that he is a man of great taste, who enjoys coffee and regards it as the nectar of the Gods that it is (I am paraphrasing, of course, but I am sure Jim would agree).

I enjoyed how Jim was described, he seemed carefree, and you did a great job of giving us a glimpse of his personality before the action started, with these lines:

Comfortable in his skin, Jim drifted,
Loose, he settled into his day off work,
He smiled as a gentle breeze was gifted,

That is a great setup and the feeling it evokes is perfectly juxtaposed with the next few lines and the mounting action. While the choice of the word “berserk” struck me as a slight exaggeration for a ringing phone. I feel like it captured the feel of the next few lines, with everything literally going berserk.

I found myself wondering about the breathing on the phone, but that question quickly faded from my mind as the Buddha arrived. And then I truly enjoyed how Jim kept asking for more and more, from fried chicken up to mansions.

Our loose and smiley Jim was slowly being overcome by greed. Endless possibilities literally at his fingertips. It made sense that he’d be lulled into a sense of security, that he’d feel that there is nothing that his friend wouldn’t grant him, and that he’d ask for this one ask that we’d all ask if we were in his position (this is me being articulate).

And Boom!

It took me a second to figure out what happened, and I am not sure if I get it. It’s either that his greed cost him all the wishes he’d been granted, or that it was all a dream. I don’t mind the marginally open ending though; it adds to the intrigue. But I do hope that it was not all a dream because that ending has become too much of a cliché.

Overall, this poem has a very nice flow to it with a very consistent and cleverly observed rhyming scheme. The only lines that interrupted the flow for me were these:

There on the table, in a lined basket,
Was fried chicken like his mother had made,
The Buddha gave Jim just what was asked it
Jim now knew he had it made in the shade.

The last line felt a bit clunky, and the dual use of “made” was noticeable. Instead, I would suggest maybe: “Jim now knew the gifts would cascade.”

Other than that, this was a true pleasure to read, beautifully written, great word choices, and a magical story to boot.

Thank you for a great read!

All the best,


Red,
2
2
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello hello,


So, this was a lot of fun to read. Definitely very different from everything that I have been reading lately. You say this is a pilot for an animated series, so my mind initially went to Western animation, but this is definitely anime material (correct me if I am wrong, please). I could see this, even the exaggerated parts, playing out nicely and quite naturally in that medium.


The humor is on point, I like how she reads things with "all her might." And how easily she reached the decision to become an assassin was amusing. The ending is also very nicely done having subverted the expectations of the reader of her either making the kill or failing.


There are a few areas here and there though that could do with some revamping (from my very humble point of view, so please feel free to ignore them).


To start with, it was difficult, at the beginning to distinguish between descriptions and what the characters are actually saying. There are no clear markers so I had to rely on common sense, which exhausts me (I exaggerate).


Secondly, there were a couple of expressions that gave me pause:


"with hair decades older than him," that confused me a bit. Does that mean he has hair implants? Why would he get older person implants? Won't they be white? Is it not implants? Is there something I don't get here? So yeah, I was confused.


Also the way this is written, "Gwen! Elizabeth Adams!" made me feel the need to re-read it.


Now for a little bit about the characterization. I really like Suzy, she's smart and sassy all at the same time. A child who's too smart for her years is a trope that never gets old. I do wish however, that she spoke like a child but with the cleverness of an adult. This: "I think, maybe, we should
exit this transaction," is an example of the way she talks. Nothing about it reveals that she's a child. I forgot that she was a child halfway through the scene at the hotel room, and nothing about her mannerisms reminded me. She's the voice of reason, which is interesting for a child, but having her use the vocabulary of an adult takes something away.


As for Gwen, she's an interesting character. However, she seems to be leaning so heavily into the airhead persona. The dangerous, slightly unhinged teenager vibe she gives is cool, but the chasing of butterflies is a bit much. The cutesy talk is a nice addition, but too much of it, well, is too much. This is an example of that:


"I think something super duper serious needs to be done about them and, to be honest, if I heard someone else downplay kablewing, like you did, normally I wouldn't be so sure if I should trust them, but the fact that you were nice enough to give me all this money just for spwooshing people's bwains must"


That being said, her character is very interesting and a very clever subversion on the femme fatal. I would only suggest toning down the airheaded vibes, just slightly, because too much of that tends to turn readers off.


And finally, for the ending, a few things tested the limits of my ability to suspend my disbelief. Carrying a gun into a function without properly hiding it seemed implausible (even for anime). And while I did really like how she just confidently walked up to the cop and how fine he was with her being there, the fact that the cop watched the victim pull out the gun that she had on her, and hasn't arrested her after the fact, is, again, too implausible even for anime. Adding a small detail, like, she had the gun hidden in her backpack and the guy saw it and pulled it out when the cop was looking away would make it more palatable for the reader.


All in all, you have a very interesting story and unique and promising premise. Your writing style is captivating and I was hooked from start to end.


Looking forward to reading more from you!




Red,

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3
3
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello there,

I found the title of the story very interesting and full of potential (and humor). Indeed, there are traces of humor/sarcasm all over the opening scenes of the story, which made it more enjoyable to read.

I also feel like you have done a great job with characterization here, I got a very good feeling for both brothers and their parents as well as how much of a cohesive and loving family they are.

And indeed, Adrian did feel like a loner, so I am excited for what is to come.

I do have a few remarks though, if you’d indulge me, that might help finetune some of the structural and plotline aspects of this prologue.

Some of the sentences could be structurally tighter, for example:

“Looking at her son who was still sleeping, Mrs. Walker gently and carefully grabbed something from the dirty pile of clothes. With a smiling face, she gracefully threw the stinky sock as she would throw a football straight to her son’s sleeping face.”

Here Mrs. Walker acted “gently, carefully and gracefully” and we were told twice that the son was sleeping. Removing “gently” and the “sleeping near the end” would make for a smoother read.
And again here:

“She could not finish talking as her face seemed to be covered with the very same sock she just threw.”

“Seemed” here gives the impression that this was not really what happened, it just “seemed” like it. But given that it was exactly what had happened, I would suggest removing “seemed” to tighten up the structure.

The same goes for this: “During breakfast, his mom and dad continued to chatter normally, talking about stuff old people would usually talk about. However, Adrian felt that someone was missing.”

He “felt” even though it was not subject to any doubt and discernible through the senses not feeling or intuition. “Realized” might be a better alternative here.

“Sitting down at the dining table, Adrian’s father held his cup with a picture of their family printed onto it, and took a sip of coffee. Hearing the commotion upstairs, he continued to wait as if it was just a normal daily occurrence.”

Nice detail with the family picture on the mug!

The structure of the second sentence though makes the narrator feel detached and slightly uncertain, “As if it was just a normal daily occurrence,” does the narrator not know whether this was a daily occurrence? Why “As if?”. If a detached narrator is not what you’re going for then I would suggest switching that into a more assertive form: “he continued to wait, after all, this was just a normal daily occurrence.” Or you could be less on the nose with this and go for something like: “he continued to sip his coffee, unfazed.”

The tone of the narration is also something that needs to be considered here. From the beginning of the story up until halfway through the second scene we get a third person narrator. However, here:
“Tuning out my mother’s rant about my poor morning behaviours, I pondered what my big brother was doing so early in the morning. However, looking at the time, Adrian’s inner school nerd wanted to quickly finish eating and prepare for school earlier than he usually does. After all, his mother always woke him up at around 6:30 AM, but school started way later at 8AM. This made him grumble a lot, but as his parents also set up a bedtime for him and his older brother, and strictly peeked at him sleeping every once in a while, he actually felt energized when he was woken up.”

We get Adrian’s POV with a first person narration. However, this does not continue and the narration keeps shifting between first and third person. This makes it very inconsistent. I understand the need to switch narration in scenes where Adrian is not around, however, if you choose to showcase these scenes then it is important to stick with third person narration and not switch back to a first person account of Adrian’s thoughts. The reader needs to know who is talking to him, the tone of the narration needs to be consistent throughout.

“*Sigh* Why is Adrian such a good little detective? He figured out our birthday plans for like the 3rd time last year...”


I strongly advise against using the asterisks. You could say “she sighed.”
And there were a few sentences that were confusing, rendering it difficult to fully understand the intention behind them:

“Seriously, even the girl who looked like she wanted to stab everyone she met looked like a behemoth-turned-nice. Seeing her wave at us with a happy expression, the brothers waved back, seemingly perplexed at this unknown human being. As she walked away with a cheery expression, they let go of their held breath and felt relieved.”

There is a lot happening in this sentence and given that the girl character was not properly established before this, her turning nice is of no significance to the reader and the “behemoth” part and the part where they let go of a breath we didn’t know they held, made it difficult to keep track of everything that is happening.

And again:

“As he and his brother were pretty much a little bit above average in terms of…well everything, from looks to grades, they were pretty much hard to notice. Still, this did not stop them from avoiding risks and getting caught up with other people’s relationships. After all, the only person they truly needed in this school was each other.”

Here the “above average” part made it seem like they would be easily noticeable and admired. But then “this did not stop them from avoiding” threw me for a loop. Did they avoid? Did they not avoid? How does being above average factor into that?

On another note, the conversation between the brothers about Adrian’s sexuality seemed genuine and heartfelt.

A few areas plot wise though gave me some pause.

This prologue felt a bit aimless, there is no tension to be resolved. A loving family, an accepting brother and a few trips to the bathroom. The only real tension comes at the end, which is understandable given that this is the start of a story.

However, given that the reader does not know the characters yet and is not invested in them, paired with the fact that there is no tension, it becomes difficult to get genuinely interested in them. They’re nice people going about a regular day (until the last sentence). This felt like it needed a hook, something to keep the reader interested.

Of course someone who’s reading this after reading the main story might feel very different as they would be genuinely interested in the character they grew to love and they would appreciate a peek at his homelife. But for those reading it the other way around, a hook and some tension are much needed.

The abundance of bathroom scenes felt quite random and did not seem to really serve a function here.

And finally, them being 18 and over and still in school needs some explanation within the story. More importantly, they are still being treated like very young teens. Based on the mother’s treatment of Adrian I would have guessed that he’s barely 13. A mother treating an 18-year-old in this manner does not make sense, even if he’s been held back in school. Setting up bedtimes, peeking at him during the night to make sure he’s asleep, dragging him to the breakfast table, seeing him off to the shower! This is how you treat a child or an early teen.


More importantly his brother is older and is meant to be responsible. So, a guy possibly 19 or 20 who’s still in school and is considered responsible and used as an example for his brother to aspire to. This, again, does not make sense. So I would suggest either changing their ages, or commenting on this and explaining it within the story. Lamp-shading yourself might help justify this and make it more palatable to the reader.

This story has a lot of potential and I look forward to seeing how it progresses from here on out. The cross over into a parallel universe is sure to be intriguing. A few tweaks here and there could help this story reach its full potential.

Thank you for sharing your work!


Red,

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4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello there,

I must admit, I did not see that ending coming at all!

I was so wrapped up in yelling at the narrator to not take off the mask and to keep some distance that it took me a second to realize what had happened.

I saw that prompt when it was posted and I thought to myself: "there is nothing I could do with that, I am a comedy gal." But you proved me so wrong.

This is so very clever and I am not just talking about the ending or about the fact that you made it funny, but also about the fact that this flowed so nicely and had a smooth tempo to it that kept me reading without a second of boredom.

Thanks for a good laugh! And congrats on the win!!

Red,

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5
5
Review of Dragon Lullaby  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello hello,

Let me start off by saying: how very sweet!

The description said "lullaby" and you managed to truly deliver.

There's a calming quality to this piece, and a real sense of freedom. That sense of being limited only by one's imagination, paired with the ever present possibilities that are open when people (in this case dragons) dare to pursue them.

My favorite part of the lullaby was this:

"Curl your tail around you tight,
And lay your head down."

Again, so very sweet! But also very descriptive and it helped personalize the main character and imprint a very pleasant and rather cosy mental image on the reader's mind. Having that near the very beginning helped set the scene and make me very receptive to what is to come.

Stylistically speaking, I also really enjoyed how the middle part adopted a very consistent strategy where the next line elaborates on the idea introduced in the line before it. This was very cleverly executed and made for a very nice flow that keeps your reader hooked.

And finally, you repeated my favorite lines again in the end for an ending that packs a punch (a very sweet punch).

I am trying to find an area of improvement to remark on, but I can honestly find none. I feel like this is something that I would love to read more of. I am curious as to who's reading the little dragon this lullaby and how their world would look like.

Thank you so much for sharing this very pretty and imaginative lullaby.

Red,
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6
6
Review of Stairway  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello there,

So, when I started reading this it felt like a fiction-based apocalyptic poem. Little did I know!
When I realized what you're describing, it gave me a reality check.

I think you've perfectly captured that glum atmosphere that pervades almost every corner of the world these days. I also, really liked how that atmosphere came across long before you said the word 'virus.'

You could easily sympathize with the narrator, from seeing her/his reflection in the mirror, to longing to that simple presence of a landlord to accept a check or a noisy laundry room. The narrator does not come off as scared of the virus. They're more lonely and possibly mourning the loss of normalcy.

Thank you for putting what's on everyone's minds into such poignant words!

Here's to remaining connected even when we're not in each other's physical presence and to a hopefully imminent end to this debilitating need to hide behind wooden doors. I hope the narrator manages to make their prison a haven of their own. May this soon become nothing but a tale we tell the future generations to show them just how resilient we are and how much we've been through.

Sending you all the best wishes I could muster!

Thank you for sharing!

Red,

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7
7
Review of Clandestine  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey there,

The thing about this poem is that it is very thought-provoking. I kept wondering at that secret that the narrator is hiding, I kept looking for little hints here and there and at the same time, I felt the magnitude of carrying this burden around.

There is an overwhelming feeling of being haunted: of having a shadow cast on every moment of one's life, nothing good or bad remains untainted by that secret that is hidden.

I felt guilt too, behind the words, but maybe that's just me.

There was also a bit of hope near the beginning with: "When I thought the moon and stars shines so bright
That will give me hope to see again the light."

But this hope slowly disappears as the poem proceeds. I think it got replaced by a resigned sort of acceptance, where the author now declares that this secret will continue to come in and out of his/her life unhindered and it felt like this person has given into, or gotten used to carrying the weight.

This line has got to be my favorite: "How I wish to be just the placid water in the river"

It sums up the narrator's exhaustion nicely and it makes perfect sense in light of everything she/he has to struggle with.

I think you did a wonderful job of capturing and conveying emotions here. You also managed to grab your reader's attention and keep him engaged throughout the poem, just constantly wondering about that secret.

The poem has a nice flow to it, however, there are a few typos and grammatical issues that detract from the experience.

"There are things which is better to left untold" (are)

"It's the clandestine pushes me to live" (I love this line and its juxtaposition with the rest of the poem, and at the same time I think its missing a "that" before "pushes me."

These two lines feel a bit linguistically awkward: "An emotions that rules have been shown
Like an abstract paint in the wall been drawn."




Again here: "For someone who will sheers with me" (I wonder if you meant to say "share" and if not then again the "s" at the end of sheer is grammatically incorrect).

"Tears will be keep on flowing"

 (again here there is no need for the "be")

And here:
"To stay still even if I'm confuse and bother
With secrets I'm afraid of to unveil together
For every stories to be told is a choice to left it untold forever."

(*confused, no need for "of," and "to leave").

I like how you ended by highlighting the "choice" element in it all. I might be reading too much into it but once again, this sounded optimistic, almost empowering.

I enjoyed reading this, and I hope my pointers are of help and are not to pedantically annoying.

With a few edits this could be the wonderful poem that you have set it up to be, for very few poets can capture emotion the way you did.

Thank you for sharing!


Red,

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8
8
Review of Clandestine  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey there,

The thing about this poem is that it is very thought-provoking. I kept wondering at that secret that the narrator is hiding, I kept looking for little hints here and there and at the same time, I felt the magnitude of carrying this burden around.

There is an overwhelming feeling of being haunted: of having a shadow cast on every moment of one's life, nothing good or bad remains untainted by that secret that is hidden.

I felt guilt too, behind the words, but maybe that's just me.

There was also a bit of hope near the beginning with: "When I thought the moon and stars shines so bright
That will give me hope to see again the light."

But this hope slowly disappears as the poem proceeds. I think it got replaced by a resigned sort of acceptance, where the author now declares that this secret will continue to come in and out of his/her life unhindered and it felt like this person has given into, or gotten used to carrying the weight.

This line has got to be my favorite: "How I wish to be just the placid water in the river"

It sums up the narrator's exhaustion nicely and it makes perfect sense in light of everything she/he has to struggle with.

I think you did a wonderful job of capturing and conveying emotions here. You also managed to grab your reader's attention and keep him engaged throughout the poem, just constantly wondering about that secret.

The poem has a nice flow to it, however, there are a few typos and grammatical issues that detract from the experience.

"There are things which is better to left untold" (are)

"It's the clandestine pushes me to live" (I love this line and its juxtaposition with the rest of the poem, and at the same time I think its missing a "that" before "pushes me."

These two lines feel a bit linguistically awkward: "An emotions that rules have been shown
Like an abstract paint in the wall been drawn."




Again here: "For someone who will sheers with me" (I wonder if you meant to say "share" and if not then again the "s" at the end of sheer is grammatically incorrect).

"Tears will be keep on flowing"

 (again here there is no need for the "be")

And here:
"To stay still even if I'm confuse and bother
With secrets I'm afraid of to unveil together
For every stories to be told is a choice to left it untold forever."

(*confused, no need for "of," and "to leave").

I like how you ended by highlighting the "choice" element in it all. I might be reading too much into it but once again, this sounded optimistic, almost empowering.

I enjoyed reading this, and I hope my pointers are of help and are not to pedantically annoying.

With a few edits this could be the wonderful poem that you have set it up to be, for very few poets can capture emotion the way you did.

Thank you for sharing!


Red,

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9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there,

The title captured my attention right away. I'm a fan of alliteration -when used sparingly- it's catchy ;) and the whole idea of a river of doom makes it even more so.

Just by reading the title and the description, I was intrigued. I must say I expected more of an overt reference to God, which I did not find here. This is actually very clever, since your reader looks for that reference between the lines, rather than having the "rely on God" message spelled out in the poem.

Speaking of the meanings and themes, the main message easily resonates with the readers. Most humans, here represented by the rat, tend to dive right in even though a lot of warning has been given to them. We don't learn from other people's experiences, we don't heed the warnings of God, and we tend to think that we're different, special, that things would somehow work out better for us, even when we're doing something that has proved disastrous in the past. Blindfolded we walk towards certain demise (sometimes).

I wonder who the owl is supposed to be here though? She seems to be giving very direct warnings, nothing too convoluted or in need of deciphering. And yet the creatures rush towards their doom. I also wonder if the river is meant to symbolize life. I like how this is making me wonder.

There is something about the river that seems to be pulling them in, I would think that would be temptation.

That being said, let's turn our attention to the stylistic aspects of the poem.

I like the rhyming scheme you employed here. It lends itself to the fable-like feel of the poem. Gives it kind of a Doctor Seuss vibe.

The poem also flows nicely, I didn't feel any interruptions, except for this part right here:

"Yet the Mouse hopped on the rocks,
For he relied on the Owl to cross."

Before that it was flowing very nicely, but that part was like a little rock in the river, interrupting otherwise smooth flow.

I also preferred the first half of the poem up until: "Twas one day a Rat and a Mouse arrived,
Desiring to cross, but scared to die."

I think that this is because, up until this point, the poem was more metaphorical than literal. With the arrival of these creatures some of the mystery wore off and the mouse's very safe crossing reduced the intrigue that was built in the previous passages.

By the same token, the rat's defiance seemed unwarranted, given the very straightforward directions given by the owl and the fact that he's looking right at a river that seems very dangerous.

That's the problem of having things turn literal, the reader can't help but take it literally too, which I know was not the intention here.

But again, this seems to be meant as a fable-like poem, meant to deliver a very straightforward moral. And it manages to do just that.

All in all, it was an enjoyable and thought-provoking read.

Many thanks for sharing!

Red,

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10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello there,

I found your story on the "Please Review" page and it caught my attention.

That was an unexpected ending I must say, and to deliver a twist with such a short amount of build up without having it be too obvious is very impressive. Such a difficult feat to accomplish!

The story is well written too. This was the only instance that could do with some editing:

Startle I asked “what do you mean?”..."Startled."

I always enjoy stories written solely based on some unrelated words. It's fascinating what people manage to come up with and how their minds spin whole stories based on a bunch of random words.

"Build, Work, Nice"

Have somehow given rise to a story about a girl, a hospital, Halloween and a sad ending. Fascinating!

Now the choice here to write this in first person makes a lot of sense. This is the point of view of the main character, she's the one who thought everything had gone back to normal, if we had anyone else's point of view, the twist ending would not have worked.

Your narrator was also addressing the reader directly, with sentences like: "You see I like to dress up and build a Haunted House." This made it feel like we had some sort of rapport with her.

That being said, the impression initially given in the first statement of the story changes with the second.

this: "You see I like to dress up and build a Haunted House in my garage. The neighborhood kids almost expect me to do it" made the narrator come across to me like an older lady who likes to entertain the neighborhood kids.

And this: " I was in the hospital for about a month before I was able to go home. Mom and Dad were still sad about it. I didn’t understand a lot of the jargon they spoke about at the hospital, but the important thing is that I was home and ready to plan my Haunted House" made her seem like a child who doesn't understand what is going on and only cares about getting back home.

This was a bit confusing, since it affects the reader's ability to visualize the narrator and thus, our ability to immerse ourselves in the story and feel for the main character. If she was a child she would build the haunted house alongside her father, not alone, or at least get some help from her parents. She would highlight the fact that the children of the neighborhood were her friends not just children who expected it from her. And if the main character is an adult she would not refer to "mom and dad" being sad as something out of the ordinary when their daughter is in the hospital and might probably refer to them as "my mother and father" and she would probably be more concerned with her well-being.

I also feel like the story has a lot of potential for horror/intrigue had it been longer. I understand that you might have had a word limit to work with. But there is a lot of potential there for so many events, a lot of mystery and maybe a different ending if you're so inclined- after she steps out and everything is dim and everyone is gone.

She could explore that new world, or the new world could be something else completely.

That being said, this was well written and packs a punch for such a small piece.

Thank you for an interesting read.

Red,

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11
11
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello there,

The interconnection between music/songs and literature here makes for such a touching and heartfelt theme running throughout the story.

The notion of having a song remind a person of a time long since gone is both beautiful and realistic and I like the poetic feel that this entire piece has.

The narrator's journey is very well crafted here, the reader can see him growing up as a child, filled with potential and aspirations. And we could see his key relationships with parents, friend, childhood/adolescence crush and teacher. We could see how he came to meet some of them and what drew him to them early on.

You also bring in such beautiful and refreshing descriptions. I think this is the beauty of being bilingual, some expressions just slip in and they are so new and refreshing that they make whatever you write fun to read. The following were some of my favorite lines:

"If my father did not love you, what was the meaning of success?" (this is very nice, I would replace the first 'you' with 'me' though. So it would be "if my father did not love me." This would make for a smoother read).

"We just worshiped her like God." (I liked this alongside the portrayal of the entire relationship with her and how they both liked her but did not seem to fight over her)

"But her best feature was walking well." (that was such a sweet, clever and innovative line!)

"But high school was the time to find meaning in meaningless things."

"There were four good things about the bench. The first place was to sit and smoke without hesitation, the second to see the spacious sky, and the third to see the people who came and went, and the last place to spend no money."

"My mind was a little bit more proud to hear that his song was much better than at that time." (interesting expression)

These lines are beautifully crafted and help your reader understand the context of the story and appreciate the narrator even more.

This story reads more like a stream of consciousness sort of piece than an actual story. The narrator is remembering things and we see them as they appear some points are not pursued any further but merely mentioned briefly before the narrator moves on. Even the part about the father's grave is mentioned but not pursued any further and we do not know exactly what has happened. This is a controversial technique because of the lack of smooth transitions, linear storytelling or flow, although I think it worked well here with the aesthetic of this story as there is something quite poetic and very mysterious that goes well with this particular writing style. It is coherent but not really, which is rather interesting. And it really works in this piece!


That being said there are some areas that could do with a bit of improvement. There are some lines that were difficult to understand and there were some areas that could do with some tweaking.

"It was also a song that had been singing for 30 years." (I did not understand whether the song had not been sung for many years, or it had actually been continually sung for the 30 years)

"I didn't sing for a long time, so I couldn't sing better." (tense usage could do with some editing here. You could say: "I couldn't sing it better, because I hadn't sung it for so long")

"She was an English beauty teacher in her thirties. She wore high heels on her sleek feet." ("a beautiful English teacher" would work better here.)

"He was a man named Sakata in the same class." (it might be better to describe him as a boy not a man here since they were still young).

"That night, when I was hiding with my parents and smoking," ("hiding with my parents" or do you mean "hiding form my parents")


"The woman was a small, clean and pretty person who wrote a poem to our coterie." (describing a love interest or any woman in general as 'clean,' in a context like this, is a tad bit awkward, actually very awkward. I would suggest finding another word).

"I know her house, don't you go?
Sakata said.

I think here it would be better to say: "do you want to go?" and it is also good to have the dialogue and the marker on the same line so the: "Sakata said" part would be on the same line to make it easier for the reader to keep track. This is repeated throughout the story.

"We ran a bicycle." (did they run or ride a bicycle?)

" I was excited about my expectations." (awkward phrasing I would suggest paraphrasing this part)

"As I wrought about my partner," (wrote)

"The next morning the newspaper delivery lady gave me some bread. He preached for a long time that "You're young, that's not good." (is she a lady or a 'he?')

"I was calling with Mr. Mori. My relationship with her continued without progress like this. I applied to her for a date that day. Where are we going?" (again if she is a lady then referring to her as "Mr." is very confusing).


And the following are lines that I found difficult to understand. I did not know what you were going for here:

"I did not know right now what the cause of the cause." (?)

"She said she was trying to sew the space between the desk and the desk." (?)


"What kind of place?"
I'm twisted. After that," it's dark ." (?)


"he had a sassy point for a high school student who was trying to set things up diagonally." (?)

"I think that's the building of the area." (?)

"embers of the same group gathered and launched." (?)

"Sometimes I stole her and her mother." (?)

"were drawing balls with bloody eyes.." (?)

"It was caused by the father's whistle now for no apparent reason." (?)



"I see him and I think I would do nothing about myself. That I don't know anything makes me uneasy. My mind is floating in the dark air." (?)

"Human beings are not good for clean things. (?)

I would suggest going over these lines again and explaining them further.

Overall this is an interesting story and was very refreshing and enjoyable to read. With some edits it could be even more amazing.

Thanks for an interesting read.

Red,

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12
12
Review of Ain't Broke Yet  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey there,

So I happened upon your story while looking for something interesting to read. The title and the description caught my attention. They made it feel like a story with a soul. And you did not disappoint. The story definitely has a lot of soul, it is mainly driven by the main character who we get to see quite clearly although we are not told much about his life or background.

It did feel like as a reader I became familiar with him and his philosophy on life as I read on which is quite a feat to accomplish without a lot of exposition.

Lines like this made his personality abundantly clear:

"It was a warm night and I knew that a dip under water would do my head some good. Tylenol isn’t the safest product in the world to consume, but neither is most of the s*** I put in my body. It’s still a temple and all that."

You also have a true gift for descriptions, from the weather to the girlfriend, to the friend at the back and right down to how her boss looked. It is very cleverly described, giving your reader a very clear idea of what was going on in the story.

I also think that the use of first-person for narration was a very good choice here given how character driven this piece is.

That being said, my only critique of the story is that it did not seem to go anywhere. It is right there in the description, the story is quite random. At the beginning I was hanging on to every word and every description as I thought that you were setting something up. I kept expecting something to happen but by the middle of the first scene it started to feel more like a writing exercise than a story (and maybe that was your intention). And after that realization hit I found myself skimming through paragraphs trying to find something interesting to stop at.

This is definitely well written but without a plot it becomes difficult for the reader to connect with the story and remain hooked.

You're an excellent writer and I can only imagine how amazing it would be if your amazing characterization and descriptions are to be paired with a solid plot.

All the best,

Red,

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13
13
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I stumbled across this story on the "Please Review" page and thought I would give it a read.

I must say that when I realized that it was two chapters long, I skimmed through the story and thought to myself "this better be good."

And it was!

It has been quite some time since I read a story like this. And by that I mean, a story that I actually want to keep reading.

You have done a wonderful job of not only creating suspense, but of also maintaining it and keeping the reader hooked all the way through.

You integrate the mundane details, i.e. hanging out with friends, Penelope's work presentation and pain in the butt of a boss, masterfully with the more suspenseful scenes.

I especially enjoyed the nightmare sequence and you seem to have a rare talent for accurately describing the intricacies of feline behavior.

I have no comment on the way this is written except to say kudos, this is beyond well written; stock full of vivid imagery and metaphors.

When it comes to characterization, I feel as if I need to get to know Penelope more than I currently do, which is fine given that this is still the first chapter. She seems brave and not so easily affected and as a reader I would like to know why that is. What made her that way. Getting out of the car when a fox is standing right there is impressive. Most people would just drive off. She is also seemingly unshaken by the accident on her porch.

Brave is the word that comes to mind to describe her so far and I really hope it stays this way as the story progresses. Some authors tend to accidentally write foolish main characters who seem to adopt an inexplicably nonchalant approach to their survival. This is not what is happening here and I hope that it stays that way as the story progresses.

This story flows nicely and is very entertaining to read. It is a testament to your incredible talent at cultivating intrigue that your reader continues to have no idea where you aim to take the story.

Only guesses I have is that the fox is a type of human shapeshifter that might be somewhat related to the guy Yuna mentioned lives near Penelope's home. Other than that. No idea.

I would love to read more of your story.

Thank you for an enjoyable read.

Red,


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14
14
Review of Why Me?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there,

I stumbled across your story on the "Please Review" page and found it quite enjoyable.

The contrast between the first two paragraphs was very interesting. You start by talking about the narrator's life being governed by guilt which gave me the impression of a deeply introspective piece. The next paragraph moves to a theater setting shifting more into the everyday realm. This got me very intrigued to see how guilt would play into this story.

What I liked about this story is that you somehow managed to keep it entertaining from start to end, even while giving information about how many quesadillas were ordered vs. how many arrived. I think that is because you have very strong characterization.

Your narrator is very well crafted we can see many aspects of her personality in scenes like the ones on the train and the contemplation of whether or not to get up and open her phone and call and the fact that she did not want to make potential harassers feel bad and was very mindful of how they felt. She's hurt, she wants to rebel, but there is also a part of her that cares for her mother and experiences guilt but she is trying to push that side away.

Knowing the character like that made me invested in reading the entire story from start to finish.

Another thing that I liked was that you did not take it upon yourself to do an information dump at any point. We got to know what happened with her mother gradually and even without knowing who the narrator really was, her name, what part she played in that play, or how she looked like, as a reader I still felt like I knew her. You gave the information we needed and did not go too far with routine info dumps.

The story is also very well written, I enjoyed your word choices the whole way through.

The only exception is this sentence which could do with a bit of rewording and possibly losing the "to": "are starting to make my bladder to explode"


The only thing I can say by way of a critique is that the first statements set up big expectations: "I suppose that’s why when I tried to cast my guilt aside I went full out."

To me as a reader (and it could just be me) this made me envision a person going wild, getting herself in dangerous situations and possibly harming herself or others. In contrast to that what happened next seems tame. She did not even partake when people were doing drugs and wondered at their stupidity and when she finally gets home her mom is already asleep. To me it seemed like she did not really go "full out."

That being said, people have different definitions of going full out and maybe to her that is full out which would in itself be saying something about the character. I would maybe lamp-shade that inside the story to draw the reader's attention to the fact that this is her own definition of "all out." This would help to assuage the high expectations set up in the beginning.

Other than that I quite enjoyed reading this story. It takes great skill to make mundane life details so very interesting to read about.

Brilliant characterization and a marvelous smooth flow.

Thanks for a great read.

Red,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
Review of Fears of a Newbie  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your first sentence grabbed my attention right away and kept me hooked.

I think you just put every writer/aspiring writer's fears into words.

You're very honest here and a lot of what you said resonated with me.

"I could never make the theme stand out without actually preaching it"... My God! Isn't that the ultimate struggle.

For a subtle critique of your writing this is beyond well written. Sentences like: "it's weak and about as subtle as a blowtorch to a snowball" had me grinning.

And the irony of this sentence: "so I could never write a long, beautiful sentence that breathed itself to life and kept breathing until the reader was breathless just for following through" being exactly what you proclaim not be able to do was not lost on me. I wonder if that was done on purpose.

And I also wonder if the fact that almost all writers have the exact same fears as you do would offer you any comfort.

You seem like you have a wonderful story in mind. Well-thought out and heartfelt. You seem well read and well-researched when it comes to the art of writing.

I say dare to fail. Just put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), what's the worst that could happen.

If this piece of writing is any indication, I would say you'd churn out a book that puts all other books to shame.

Looking forward to reading more form you.

Red,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading this poem.

You paint a picture.

What drew me in and kept me reading is that I could clearly imagine the sight in my mind of the narrator (I envisioned a girl even before reading the description) riding her horse in the wind. I could hear the sound that the galloping horse's footsteps made on the wet ground and I could imagine both fear and determination filling the girl even though I have no idea what she was racing towards or running away from.

You set the stage with the first line and continued to add more descriptive imagery to the scene. I like the display of the horse's fear and how the rider tried to comfort her. Knowing the gender of the horse brings the reader even closer to the characters.

You did great with capturing the emotions in this scene and the ending with the sun breaking through finishes it all off with a positive flourish.

You have a very nice flow in this poem and your rhyming is on point except I would say in these two lines:

"Soothing words caught in wind,
Hearing thunder crack from behind."

This felt like a rather abrupt transition and a bit of an awkward rhyme.

Other than that it was an amazing read and it's quite impressive how much you managed to capture in a few short lines.

Thanks for a great read.

Red,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
17
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The description drew my attention right away and made me laugh: "A poem about a respected underdog’s journey to defeat." That's clever, wasn't expecting the defeat part.

Based on that I was expecting a clever poem with a sad/bittersweet ending. This was not the case, at least as far as sad and bittersweet go.

There is a lot of positivity lurking between your lines. Determination and will-power just flow through.

Lines like: "Lion’s dens inspire youth;" and "What you’re aiming to achieve
Is just and simple - just believe." make that abundantly clear.

But it's also very realistic. Your narrator acknowledges pain and hardships and is aware of the ever present danger and yet does not allow that to turn him/her sour. Instead, they hold on to their principles and fight on.

This is not a sickeningly sweet motivational poem. You know, the ones that manage to completely miss reality and sugarcoat everything including salt. No, yours is a realistic poem that acknowledges pain but manages to not be defeated by it. The true definition of resilience.

It was very interesting to read.

The format of this poem gave it a great flow and a rhythm that is very hard to miss. I quite enjoyed reading it.

And you have very clever lines. This was my favorite: "Right the ship and keep becoming!" "keep becoming" is such an impactful choice of word to use here. It makes it clear that what is being described here is a journey, namely life.

Very well written.

Many thanks for a great read.

All the best,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
18
18
Review of Game Models  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
"an augmented reality game that used you and your current situation to give you quests, dailies, and achievements that forced you to learn, keep in shape and progress in life"

What an exciting premise!

I got a "Black Mirror" sort of vibe while reading this, I wonder if this is what you were going for.

I can only imagine the practical applications of such a system. I am a therapist and I work with people who struggle to find motivation.

This struck me as such a wonderful way to get people moving by adding a reward to every little action.

I wonder if people who use this program would be psychologically healthier. But I also could not help but consider the psychological toll that people would have to pay if most of their actions are motivated by an external reward system akin to unlocking an achievement in a game. Would such people be able to find the will to act in any other domain in life that is not covered by this system? Would talking to their family members or spending quality time with them, have to be included into this game at some point?


This is what I like about this piece, it gets you thinking about all the wonderful and the not so wonderful possible outcomes of the world-wide implementation of such a game. Making people think is the mark of a good story.


I also enjoyed the way you described the process of writing this project. The ease with which the narrator's ideas flowed and that unmatched feeling of sure-footed creativity.


This is also very well thought out, you covered many domains, even gardening is accounted for.

This is why I can easily see this fleshed out into a Black Mirror sort of story. You have all the elements of your futuristic universe already there. I would love to read more on how you see this unfolding.


I would also love to know the narrator a bit more. Having invented such a game, while still a student, that must have had a huge impact on this person's life.


Very thought provoking, please keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Shamrock* Welcome to Power Reviewers March Mayhem Review Raid *Shamrock*

What I liked:
         *Owl1* So I stumbled upon this by accident and I am so glad I did.

         *Owl2* I am a counselor and I often work with people who suffer from (and sometime enjoy) ADHD. And just yesterday I was having a conversation with someone who so confidently asserted that ADHD is and I quote: "just a myth." Needless to say this irked me to no end and we ended up in a very heated dispute. So reading this was actually very refreshing after that conversation.

         *Owl3* I like the title and how comical you make it all seem. I like your sense of humor, that is exactly the mindset needed in this situation and while some of those situations seem horrible I kinda felt like smiling.

Favorite Lines:
         *Owl4* This was my favorite:

"Sending an "ass selfie" to your boss by mistake."

To have been a fly on the wall in your next meeting.

         *Owl5* I quite enjoyed reading it. I liked the comic spin you put on this topic and I also like the list format. It makes it even more lighthearted.

Suggestions:
         *Owl1* None... It was a very nice read. I would love to read more of you on this topic.


         *Owl5* Many thanks for sharing this!


         *Owl1* I quite enjoyed reading it.

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20
20
Review of DRAGON QUEST  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Shamrock* Welcome to Power Reviewers March Mayhem Review Raid *Shamrock*

What I liked:
         *Owl1* It has been a very long time since I had to double back and re-read something just for the fun of it. Your poem got me smiling all the way through. It is very well written, and it has a very nice flow and an exciting rhythm. It's like one of those songs that warriors sing to raise their spirits before they go to battle. I don't know why but this is the impression I got. I feel like this could be the song that psychs writers up as they prepare to put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard what with modern day technology and what not).

         *Owl2* There are many things that I enjoyed about this. I like how catchy its rhythm is and I also like the rhyming scheme you employed. This piece also has a very quick pace. I found my eye instantaneously jumping to the next line which made this all the more interesting to read. Never a dull moment.

         *Owl3* But of course, what I enjoyed the most is the content.

At the beginning I was drawn in by the subject of dragons. I was expecting a mythical piece about a dragon hunter or a warrior. But, alas, you took a different path.

         *Owl4* The parallel that you drew between writing and dragon hunting was delightful.

Favorite Lines:
         *Owl5* This line is so interesting:

"Words out wanting
To be born
Into the minds of man"

I like how you gave words their agency. They want to be born. This is their desire. They are active and searching and seeking their own writers. This was very exciting for me, since I often feel (like most writers) that the words and the stories have a life of their own. It's like they existed somewhere before they came to me. They had lives, they were ongoing and known at least to themselves before they found their way to me. And I think you've captured that feeling perfectly in so few words.


         *Owl1* And this was my absolute favorite line:

"Perhaps the words
must struggle too
To touch the writer's mind"

Once again I like how the words are the ones struggling here. They are the knights and not the writer. And I find this reversal kinda intriguing. You would expect the writer to be the one struggling to capture the words. Instead they must struggle and the writer is the prey and for some reason that makes a lot of sense.

Suggestions:
         *Owl2* None... I have none. This was perfect. It should be the 'writers' anthem.'

         *Owl3* Many thanks for a delightful read!

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21
21
Review of A Shaman's Faith  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Shamrock* Welcome to Power Reviewers March Mayhem Review Raid *Shamrock*
What I liked:
         *Owl1* I am often delighted at what writers can accomplish using just a few words. And in about 500 words you managed to capture my attention, take me on a an exciting journey and deliver a potent ending.

         *Owl2* Your characterization is on point in this. I could just envision the desperate wife pleading with the shaman for her husband's life. After all, she has nothing to lose with him in this state. And then there is the shaman who lost his faith and eventually agrees to take the risk if only to regain his confidence and his pride. And of course there is Char. Char is only concerned with his prey and with getting to devour it.

         *Owl3* The tone of this piece is also quite exciting. I like how you used the first person for this. It makes it more personal. Meanwhile Char refers to itself in third person, which is a very nice contrast.

         *Owl4* I like the idea of battling disease in this way. I like that other people could get involved and get a few punches in and I like how concrete you've made this whole thing. It is oddly comforting to get to see and hear diseases instead of being intimidated by their stealthy and silent ways. So although you've made it into a demon, somehow it seems less scary.

         *Owl5* One of the things that I liked the most was the universe you created, with the familiars and the mysterious beings all around. And I was excited at the beginning when the shaman mentioned that an unknown person was enshrouded in the web.

         *Owl1* The ending was my favorite part though. That was so unexpected. I don't want to make this into a spoiler but I really really didn't see it coming.

         *Owl3* Finally, I quite enjoyed the fact that this is almost all dialogue. The fact that you managed to get your point across using mostly dialogue is a testament to your abilities.

Favorite Lines:
         *Owl2* Without giving it away, my favorite line was the last line. I could just imagine her tone of voice when she said that "oh my."

That kinda made me laugh. Horrible person, I know.

Suggestions:
         *Owl3* If I were to suggest something it would be to write more of this. I want to know what happens next. Also this world sounds interesting, I would like to learn more of its rules and its people.


         *Owl4* Many thanks for this very interesting read.

         *Owl5* Nicely done!

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22
22
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hello there Joto-Kai,

*Owl1* First of all let me start by saying that I really enjoyed reading this. This story is written in one my favorite genres and I am always awed by those who construct their own worlds with rules, expectations, and terminology as distinct and fascinating as yours. So, many thanks for giving me the opportunity to read this.

What I liked:
*Owl2* There was a lot that I like about this. To start with you constructed your characters very well. I quite enjoyed the fact that Ryan and Vivianca are both very strong willed and filled with conviction. I could clearly see where they were coming from and why they were doing what they were doing. I especially loved Vivianca and her pursuit of free will that caused her to fall from grace.

There was a line in there where she said: "Usurpers. Arrogant little beasts that think they are in the image of the Father. It isn't fair!" But right away the other side of the duality unfolds and she realizes that Ryan does remind her of "father" and that there's something about him worth admiring. I like that juxtaposition, it shows her more like a human than an angel or a devil. And it was rather heartwarming near the end when she felt as if heaven was in fact her home. She was pulled in so many different directions and in the end she did make the right choice. And the fact that she is not perfect is what made me like this character.

*Owl3* You also used dialogue to show your readers everything they need to know. This is quite amazing given that with stories like this people tend to want to flesh their world's out using drawn out descriptions (God knows I do) but you didn't take the easy way out; you definitely showed with very minimal telling.

*Owl4* The fast pace of the story was also quite enjoyable. I did not experience any instances of boredom and after the first few paragraphs I was hooked.


*Owl5* You also pulled off the flashback nicely, it did not seem awkward, although I must admit I was more than a bit confused in the beginning.


Favorite Lines:

"You've no idea the human capacity for hope. It passes from soul to soul like a virus, making them immune to reason. Every life this man touches passes from our reach."

This line, delivered by a devil, in what I assume was a tone of contempt, was by far my favorite line. Very clever, very inspiring, and it put a smile on my face.

And also,

"She couldn't conjure a lucky charm from a box of cereal"

Not only was that one funny, but it also showed Vivianca's confidence as well as her sense of humor.

Suggestions:

         *Owl1* As I said before, I did get a bit confused in the beginning, especially when it comes to the Fury/Wrath, and I do not think I fully grasp the concept of it even after going all the way through and rereading the whole story just to be sure.

So, she fell in love with the human, and to save him she went back to heaven to ask for help and from what I understand she herself seems to have "beat the system" and is now no longer a demon/devil/Satan's minion. But what of the wrath? That is the thing that saved Ryan from the rampants right? How? What did it do? umm... yup, confused. So maybe it would be better to flesh that part out a bit to make sure that simple folk like myself get it.

         *Owl2* Another area that confused me a bit had to do with Paul: "In moments like that, Paul did so remind her of the King of Heaven." Sometimes, I had to pause and remind myself that Ryan is Paul since his name is Paul Ryan, so I feel as if it would have made for a smoother read to pick one and use it in the narration, and maybe have her call him paul in dialogue for familiarity purposes. The narrator shifting from Ryan to Paul is what threw me.

         *Owl5*
Also those lines:
"Paul dropped his chin and opened his arms. "I thought I recognized you."

Vivianca tried to hiss out a scream of warning and pointed at the door.

Sirraine smiled and waved, staying outside of the Pastor's building."

After the first line, I thought: "wait recognized who? recognized her? He didn't know it was her?" and then it suddenly shifted to her hissing out a scream and then a well intentioned demon at the front door. I think this part needs a bit more detail.


         *Owl3* Finally, while I love your pacing, I also think that this has the makings for a much longer, multi-chaptered story. I would have loved to get a glimpse of the initial encounter between the devil and the paladin, I could just imagine all the tricks she pulled and the frustration she went through as she failed once and again to get him to cross over. It would also be fun to explore the many cases where she led him to save souls, maybe with some flashbacks to her life as an angel and her fall from grace.

You know, I could just imagine this whole thing turned into a series (or even an anime) with the scene starting with her watching him from a distance with a mixture of disdain and admiration.

I guess what I am saying, basically, is that I want to read more of this. It would have made their love much more understandable and would have made the moment where Ryan finally succumbed even more impactful, because it seemed a bit too easy, even though I know he refused her over and again. But still I would have wanted to see him battle it out with himself and hesitate before that kiss.

*Owl1* Oh, wait, one last thing that I forgot to mention above, they say the devil is in the details, and before I go I must tell you that I loved your details and the subtle symbolism. The scene when he's driving and she wants to take the wheel was very very VERY clever. Also the violin playing detail made this story even more enjoyable for me. You also described her appearance without really dwelling on it which made for a very smooth read. Your style of narration made it so that I could just envision everything, from the flames reflected in her purple horn to Ryan's brief smile when they first met.

         *Owl4* All in all I really enjoyed reading this!

         *Owl5* Many, many thanks for sharing this great piece.





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23
23
Review of Dark Apparition  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
*Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo* Fall into Halloween Raid *Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo*



*Owl1* This really is spooky. Now I am all excited for Halloween!!


*Owl2* Wow, there are so many things that I liked about this. To start with your word choices were on point. What with lines like: "Weirdo witch chants in bliss" It seems like not a single word in this sentence was wasted. Each one creates more meaning and adds another stroke to this beautiful and rather spooky portrait you've painted.


*Owl3* This line is what first drew my attention and got me hooked: "Where Satan's angels call"

Such a beautiful and thought provoking description. Satan's angels, I wonder what that would be like. Well, Satan is supposedly originally an angel, so it kinda makes a lot of sense.


*Owl4* And those were my favorite lines: "Horrible wraiths are so blithe
On cutting heads with their scythes."

Such vivid descriptions!

*Owl5* Reading this I could just picture all those creatures rising one after another. This felt like the storyline of a halloween based music video. I could just hear the dramatic music as I read this and because of your descriptions I could visualize everything, even the horror of the stupefied onlookers.

*Owl1* The structure that you employed made this even more fun to read. I love how you made it seem as if they all started to move in sequence and I absolutely enjoyed the beginning where the narrator leads off and introduces us to the horror that is to come.

*Owl2* This is also quite well written. It has a very smooth flow and a catchy rhyme.

*Owl3* This was a delight to read.

*Owl4* Nicely done!





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24
24
Review of Vampire Voodoo  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
*Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo* Fall into Halloween Raid *Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo*

Hello Dave,

*Owl1* Let me just start by saying that reading this piece was a delight. I must admit that I am not familiar with the original song (although after reading this I absolutely must give it a listen), yet I still quite enjoyed reading the parody.

*Owl2* The premise is quite interesting. The fact that it is written from the point of view of the vampire makes it all the more unique, especially given the fact that it does not attempt to romanticize the vampire and rather portrays him/her as the predator that he/she is.

*Owl3* This line portrayed the predator quite beautifully: "Fangs in the dark, seeking your lifeblood"

*Owl4* And those were my favorite lines:

"When these cravings are softened, I’ll return to the coffin.
‘Til then you’ll yearn to be my slave."

So the vampire is just interested in satiating his hunger, meanwhile the human cannot resist the appeal of that perfect being. Very nice! Amazing characterization done in just two short lines.

*Owl5* And of course given that this is originally a song, I quite enjoyed the rhyme and the repeated stanzas.


*Owl1* Very beautiful!

*Owl2* Thanks for an intriguing read.





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25
25
Review of Black on White  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Raid Review to thank you for hosting a party event at WDC's 15th Birthday Bash! *Balloongo*

*Owl1* The description of this piece drew my attention, and so did the picture you've chosen. They reminded me of the many pictures that my grandmother used to keep. We would sit in front of boxes containing hundreds of pictures and she would proceed to recount the stories behind them. But now that she's gone, those pictures have become mute. And this is why this poem is so beautiful. It captures that sense of finality and mourns stories and lives no longer remembered.


*Owl2* "Black splotched photographs of white faces
peer out at me and plead,
"Please remember and tell about me.""

This is quite a moving line. It made me ponder: what if it were my story? What if it were my own life? I would have definitely wanted someone to tell about me as well. As people, we always want to be remembered, to leave a legacy; we seem to find comfort in knowing that even though our lives might be finite, our memories might live on. Which is why, I believe this poem has such a huge impact, for it touches upon one of our biggest fears, that of being forgotten.


*Owl3* "Some hint of dark secrets,
while others paint bright images
of the people they left behind."

These lines reminded me of how intrigued I used to be as a child when I gazed upon those pictures. They did seem like they had a lot of stories and led full and interesting lives. And I always wanted to know more about them, just like I want to know more about those faded faces you wrote about.

*Owl4* This is really beautifully written and quite thought-provoking.

*Owl5* I loved reading this.

*Owl1* Many thanks for a great read!





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