This is a review of your piece: Cracked out of Place
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
Impressions: A nice short poem, could have used some elaboration.
Strengths: I like the form you've used here; the longer phrases followed by the itallic word adds emphasis to your meanings and, while it would be disruptive in a long poem, is good for a short one like this
Nice, careful word choice
Suggestions: I would add some more to this- I think you're trying to symbolise through the simple act of cracking knuckles some larger themes and your use of words such 'manipulate' 'governed' and 'resistance' certainly made me think of larger ideas, but I'm still a bit confused as to what your message was specifically.
Perhaps having an isolated ending sentence could help with the above and to make the ending more satisfying, as now it does not have a definite feeling of conclusion since it is much the same as previous lines.
Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!
Free_RIP
This is a review of your piece: A Dance With Delight
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
Impressions: An atmospheric poem with strong imagery and careful language choice.
Strengths: Your careful choice of language in choosing words with positive and free connatations creates a great atmosphere!
Good use of alliteration to add to the rhythm and add emphasis
Really strong imagery, I could see this clearly and vividly!
Suggestions: Some of the lines seem like they should be several lines, or are broken in the wrong place, and it breaks the flow a bit. I know this was an acrostic poem but you might want to look at rephrasing or taking out some of the details to give it a smoother flow.
I really enjoyed this, great poem!
Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!
Free_RIP
This is a review of your piece: My Imaginary Winter Day
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
Impressions: A creative, fun story which could benefit from a little editing on technical points
Strengths: Creative, unique story-line Cute, believable protagonist Story went at a good pace, helping to keep readers attention Good job on giving just enough background information for a story this length Good reactions and characterization Good moral and message Believable, child-like narrative voice
Suggestions: You don't need the 'about' in the first line. It breaks the flow a bit.
'No, honey it's snowing' has the pause in the wrong place for what he's saying, making him sound a little weak. I'd put the comma after honey.
I'm a bit confused about the start. She seems to be in the kitchen or a main room in the house, not her bedroom, so 'I opened my eyes' is a misleading start. Also, it doesn't have a lot of dramaticness or mystery to draw the reader in- I'd take out the sentence before 'The dark sky...' as this leaves a more powerful beginning and gets into the action faster to keep the reader's attention.
In line one, you don't need a space between 'over' and 'head'
In your dialouge, you have a bit of a listing feel with the 'what ever is said' then 'I/daddy/Hula Balula' in whatever way it is said. I'd suggest mixing it up a bit on a couple of them. For instance, we know the line 'But it's always snowing!' is said by the protaganist from the previous conversation, and we know that it is a protest. You might put something like 'Why did I never get to do what I wanted?' or 'Irritation surged through me, causing my voice to raise until it squeaked.'
Nearly all of your non-dialouge sentences begin with 'I'. This again is not good for the flow, creating a listing feeling. Try mixing the sentences up so some start with action words eg 'Grabbing my novel before laying down on my bed..'
The bit where you have how it is pronounced in brackets breaks the flow of the story and stops the reader from getting sucked into it. If you want to give the prounciation, I'd suggest putting it in authors notes at the end, or having the actual character think to herself that 'he prounounced it with an foreign roll: who-la...'
One problem with the ending: I think the point of an imaginary friend, and definetly in this case where she physcially heard something in the attic without knowing what it was prior, is that the child doesn't know it is imaginary. Therefore, you should say 'lots of fun with Hula Balula' not 'with my imaginary friend'
Once again, putting direct messages from the author in brackets breaks the flow. Try to work in her age some other way.
'That night before I went to sleep...' is a run-on. I'd replace 'because' with a full-stop.
'Then, just as...' perhaps 'suddenly' or 'without warning' instead of 'then'. Just spice up some vocab in this a bit and I think it'll help make it an even better read!
Hope you found this helpful, these are all just my suggestions, so use what you want and disragard the rest! Keep writing!
Free_RIP
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
Impressions: A well- structured short poem with an up-beat feel; fun to read.
Strengths: Good rhythm- especially during the 'nervous to start, nearing the start' lines. The use of alliteration and short sentences after the long ones created tension and built up for the conclusion. You maintained an up-beat atmosphere though your use of story in the poem. From the first line, you show that the person achieved what had been thought impossible, and then linked that to the last line, providing a satisfying feeling of conclusion.
Suggestions: While the ending was strong, I felt the beginning needed something more to draw the reader in. The first line has a bit of a sense of mystery (the reader doesn't know exactly what 'it' is), so it might work, but the second seems to repeat the message a bit and needs something more. Maybe something like 'Even eclipsed in shallow presumptions' (not suggesting you use that particular line, just that you bring in a new idea of some sort as 'thought' and 'believe' are used to mean basically the same in this and so the lines are the same idea.) The line 'nor looking back' seems a bit out of place. The 'nor' suggests you've just said she's not doing something, and that she is also not doing whatever comes after the nor. However, since the line before was something she did do, I think something like 'never looking back' would work better.
Hope these suggestions were helpful, this was a good poem- keep writing!
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
I agree with everything you've said and you express it succintly and convincingly. Your examples, evidence, and straight-to-the-point attitude make this a flowing, worthwhile read. I love the line 'yes I... bases covered'. There's strong emotion in this without it sounding whiny or preachy or anything bad like that. The only thing I would say is I'm not sure why it's in columns like a poem- it's your choice, I just think it would look better visually in short story format with paragraphs going across the page. Also, you should capitilize the 'n' in no in the description of your piece, and add a fullstop at the end. I enjoyed reading this, keep writing!
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
This poem has a great haunting yet beautiful atmosphere that makes it really enjoyable to read. Its such a simple story, yet so much emotion and meaning is packed in. I like how you've added your opinions without breaking the flow- the poem really does have good flow and kept my attention all through. The poem holds a lot of tension due to your eloquent and careful use of language. A great piece- keep writing!
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
The style leaves gives quite a visual impact when you first open the poem. I like the messages in every line of this, they're all conscise, well-portrayed and meaningful. My favourite bit has to be 'overshadowed.... future' these two lines are amazing! Both so unique, great half-regretful emotion, and so true- a nice statement on humankind's tendancy to never appreciate the moment or the little things. The only suggestion I would have is that these read a bit like seperate statements and therefore don't have the best flow, but that is probably just the constraints of the style. Either way, I enjoyed reading this- keep writing!
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
It was a symbolic poem, but it was still concise, eloquent and meaningful. I really liked it! It draws you in from the very beginning and the last line has a satisfying sense of conclusion to it- it's very dramatic and fits well. You've managed to hold the metaphor all through without repeating or growing boring- it flowed incredibly well. I love the line 'refuse to succumb to valiant failure'. Whether it was the meaning you intended or not I can't say, but I drew a lot of messages out of this about the constrictions in modern society and the price's people pay for them eg loss of freedom. Thanks for writing this, it was an enjoyable read!
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
Strengths: This piece has very strong emotion and meaning in it, along with a good flow and rhythm. It's short, but it says a lot and has some good use of repitition. I like the middle of the poem the best, the lines at the end of stanza one and start of stanza two are great.
Suggestions: The last line seems a bit of an understatement in comparison with the rest of the poem. Just my opinion, but simply 'a very bad day', while it does have good rhythm, seems to undermine the poem a bit.
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
Great build-up, I liked how you managed to give us so much background and motives, it's a really in-depth story for 300 words. Emotion came through clearly and the last line is great, quite funny. In the paragraph with the cat you use rhythm really well to build tension and it sets it up perfectly for the end. Only one small suggestion; the last sentence of the first paragraph seems like a minor run-on, you could break it in two. I enjoyed reading this!
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
Common topic or not, you've added your own spin and made a really enjoyable poem!
Strengths: The rhythm of this poem is really impressive- the first three lines of each stanza always flow quickly and well, and the last one always seems to go a bit slower and leave a lasting impression. Nice job! Repitition is used to very good effect here and really brings out the piece 'While teachers teach and lawyers lie' Great line! Your use of contrast and story in writing this (eg 'as peasant, king or greedy knave') makes it much more original, flowing, attention-keeping and fun to read! You seem to have very careful word choice and it shows in a polished final piece
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
This was an emotional poem with good flow and a few really standout lines.
Strengths: The start drew me in Strong narrative voice 'Hiding my...tough facade' this is really well-phrased and a great line! Satisfying ending- it felt very conclusive
Suggestions: There are a few cliche lines eg 'stick to me like glue'. I think it's more important you find original and meaningful lines than ones that rhyme well. You might like to try rhyming only every first & third, fifth & seventh etc line to give you more freedom. You might want to break it into a new stanza after '...break my heart', as this is the turning point of the poem and I think it would work better that way.
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
You portray a lot in a short space here and the emotion comes through clearly. Your first couple lines set the scene well and are attention gripping. I like your characterization and original topic. You have a very flowing style that made this a fun and enjoyable read!
I can't see evidence of any of the prompts here. If you don't incorporate one, I'll have to disqualify your entry
Suggestions: The last sentence is a run-on. I'd suggest breaking it in two. 'Will I ever see you again?' From what this portrays of the world, I would assume she'd already know the basics. She has brothers and sisters who have already gone through it. It might be good to change this line a bit.
This was a fun read and I wish you luck in the contest! Don't forget to add in one of the prompts, if you have any concerns just email me. I enjoyed this story, keep writing!
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
This is an original idea and is quite well- written. I like the first few sentences, they set the tone wonderfully and have great imagery. In terms of technical skill, you've done really well; I didn't see any spelling or grammer mistakes. Just a few suggestions:
'Mr.God' and 'Jesus Drive' seems a bit overkill to me. I get that you're trying to portray the idea that heaven is the same as Earth, not some pearly place in the skies and I like this message, but having just 'God' and a name like 'Justice' or 'Honesty' for the lane might help the piece, I think. I'd like a little more description in here, you don't say much about where they are. If you want to rethink the main assumptions of what heaven is, you should give a more comprehensive description of this version. Once again, elaborate. I have trouble believing that within two minutes of seeing eachother 'Mr.God' and a new angel, who he makes seem is a common thing, decide to get married. And in such a casual way. This story has great potential for some sort of message; maybe the angel gets to her new home and realises she's just one of many... put something darker in. As it is, there's no obstacle to the happy ending and that makes it a bit weak. I'm a bit confused as to the message; it seems to be that heaven is just like earth, but you don't have any darker elements so it seems contradictory I can't see use of any of the prompts in here, if you could either change it to incorporate one or email me and tell me how you've used it that'd be great. Otherwise, I'll have to disqualify your entry
Thanks for entering, I think this piece has a lot of potential to be meaningful and original with a little work, you're a good writer. Keep writing!
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree!
Impressions: An entertaining little romp!
Strengths: 'And the tiara. Did I mention the tiara?' Great line! You have a humourous way of writing, almost dripping irony and sarcasm, it makes for an entertaining read! Strong narrative voice I love the little devil godmother! Such a cute character, and the accent was a nice touch The dialouge is very homorous and carries the story along at a good pace Nice twist at the end A fun plot!
Suggestions: having so many lines between each paragraph makes it a bit disjointed and distracting visually; I'd change it to just one blank line between paragraphs In paragraph one, the comma should be a semicolon or a dash You've got a lot of run- on sentences. Try looking for places that don't have to be comma's. For instance, you could have 'could almost handle. It was the ball gown that threw me.' paragraph three sentence starting 'No way...' is a run-on. I'd end it before the 'and I tell you'. Make that a new sentence. You've put paragraph breaks in places where there doesn't need to be and, coupled with how big the breaks are, it disrupts the flow. For instance, paragraph three and four could be combined, you don't need a break in between. 'for a fairy godmother not to mention that you’re a dude' a little grammer here would help show emotion and make it flow better. For instance, 'fairy godmother? Not to mention.... you're a dude' close the speech marks on 'what?'. You've only got them on one side Look through, there are loads of places where you've missed out comma's in the speech when you should have them and it breaks the flow up and makes it less believable The protagonist seems to get over her shock and start making witty remarks a bit quick. I understand she's drunk, but a bit more shocked emotional stuff would add some more depth You have the wrong bracket closing an itallics bit and so half the story is now in itallics! It's an easy fix, but really distracting at the moment There's a lot of grammer mistakes; things like missed comma's, no fullstops, unclosed speech marks... just a quick read- through would really help this piece!
End comments: Most of the mistakes in this are technical and easily fixed; the plot and characters are both good. With a little work, this story has a lot of potential. I enjoyed reading this, keep writing!
This is a really charming piece! The relationship between the grandfather and child is touching and I love your description so thier feelings toward their respective special places. This kept my attention all the way though and had an atmosphere of adventure and peace that made it a great read!
Strong phrase; sounds almost like a proverb. I like how you have portrayed emotion and meaning in such a short space; this is more meaningful for it's brevity. I think this might be a good line to put in a longer piece, or to use as inspiration for a longer piece; it has the feeling of a story and life behind it.
Nice short poem! The flow at the start is a bit bumpy, having them seperated by comma's would be better I think. The last line is very nice, a good rhythm and emotion. I think this poem needs to be elaborated on, perhaps with this as a last stanza- it doesn't seem complete to me as is. However, the last two lines are very nice and it was a fun little read.
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree! :)
I think this is fairly well- written, what is there, but really needs some expanding on. It doesn't feel complete to me. Nice emotion and plot in the stanza you have, though- the atmosphere is clear and there are no technical mistakes barring that you may want to end with a full stop. A fun read, keep writing!
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree! :)
This is a short but really meaningful poem. I love the line 'save man's hesitant soul'. It's a great description and evokes a lot of images about phschology experiments where people realise how evil even the majority of the upper class, 'cultured' people can be. I really liked the start of this poem, it was to the point and well-put. Thanks for a thought- provoking read- keep writing! :)
These are just my opinions, feel free to disagree! :)
This is a really descriptive piece, you use imagery well to create believable scenes and I didn't see any technical mistakes to detract from that. The story has a flowing, attention- keeping style and builds emotion well. It's a poignant ending, too, the photo's were a good sybolism to use; unchanging, captured moments... it also reflects some of the themes in the story. Overall, well done, this was really enjoyable and well- written!
Nice short poem, Kneedeep! I like the imagery and last line. You're right, it is the same message; what it does to people to have to make those descions, must be horrible. I like how you added the bit about society creating this problem and guilt, making the emotions worse than they were through medicine and law, even if medicine and law saves, supports, etc many people, with the line 'what ever happened to...'
Impressions: This was a very flowing poem with a strong, consistent message and tone.
Strengths: Use of repitition; it worked really well The last two lines were really poignant I like your descriptions of the responses some people give; 'turn your face away'. The examples added depth to the poem and brought the message out a bit more You stopped at the optimum point, instead of drawing the idea out past what was good
Suggestions: None. Didn't see any technical errors, either.
Impressions: This is a short but nice piece! It's got a good message in it and I like the last two lines, very upbeat.
Suggestions: In line 4, you want 'enjoy' not 'injoy'. It might help the flow of this poem to consider using a few comma's instead of '...' For example, a comma after 'today' in the second to last line. The '...' breaks the flow a bit in the first line, although it is fine in the other two places. If you want, you could try and reorganize the poem a bit so the syllable counts are more even, it could help take away the choppy feeling when reading it.
This is a nice piece, it flowed well and the emotions and message were clear. My favourite line 'that I am familiar with by nature, not by history.' I think that gets to the heart of the poem and is an original line. One thing I would say is some sort of order with syllables or rhythm might help, because at the moment it reads almost like a short story. Maybe you could try playing around with the phrasing, breaking ti up at different points, looking in a thasaurus for new words...etc. That's just my opinion, though, and it was still very good. Keep writing!
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A nice short poem, could have used some elaboration.
The rhythm of this poem is really impressive- the first three lines of each stanza always flow quickly and well, and the last one always seems to go a bit slower and leave a lasting impression. Nice job!