This is a review of your piece: "The Shell Necklace"  [18+]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest 
Impressions:
A romance which builds steadily and believably, with several conflicts along the way. It keeps the readers interest and provides oppurtunities for the reader to guess where the story will head, allowing the reader to become more involved in the story through this and feel the emotional impact of certain scenes more strongly.
Note:
The review seems to be a bit lopsided, more suggestions than strengths. This has nothing to do with the quality of your piece - since you were specifically looking for constructive feedback I have spent more time on this then on pointing out the strengths. Most of the suggestions are relatively quick fixes, due to the requested help on grammar, which is quite simple to fix and line by line at times. For those suggestions that mention there being a fair few of a type of error - and therefore I haven't pointed out every instance - after you have edited I will be happy to come back and re-review so any you have missed during editing can be fixed up then. The suggestions that are for single lines go in order from the beginning to end of your work so they are easier to navigate.
I hope you find the review helpful
Strengths:
 The plot advances steadily with several conflicts to keep the interest of the reader. There is a lot of character development which is fully explained by the situations - the reader is able to see these changes happening and the conflicts developing, which draws them in.
The contrast of Abena and Neil makes them a good couple to read - their meeting are always filled with emotion - whether it be sadness, longing, confusion/misunderstandings or humor. You've got all the trappings of a classic tragic romance, including the foreshadowing of events: the reader can see where it is headed even as the characters cannot or refuse to, which lends a feeling of tension to the story.
I enjoyed it, it was well-paced and well-written.
'I greeted the news of Rosa’s continuing illness with uncharitable glee' This simple statement is a great advancement of plot and shows just how far Neil has fallen, to be glad at the illness of a friend/someone he knew fairly well. Stated in such a simple, matter-of-fact way makes it even more powerful. One of the plot points in terms of single lines, I think.
'"You are leaving," she said between her sobs.' The simple way in which Abena states things makes them all the more poignant. This is much more powerful than something longer, for instance - the bluntness also contrasts well with Neil's approach and all the reasoning etc he puts on everything. It makes it very emotional, good job.
'“Mr. Neil why don’t you come inside our house' Very symbolic, the one person who calls him by his first name first time. Where he usually wants that, it now becomes tainted.
The ending is very strong emotionally - the fact that nothing really passed between them save a kiss and emotions made it more powerful. Also, I liked how you revealed throughout her motivations for doing things - first how far she walked, then that the cocoa was already paid back and she was doing this for something else and finally his realization of why she dressed up. The tragicness of the situation is clear and seeing such a strong and composed character finally break down completely is very effective in its contrast, more sad even then Neil's sacrifice. It all builds together to a great climax of emotion that leaves the reader thinking about the story and symphathizing with the characters. Very good writing.
Suggestions:
At the start, it might be best to put something about the barrage of comments from the boss before the actual comments - as it is, I thought the second line was some sort of response to the first as it was formated like a conversation. Another way to get around this would be to put it all in one set of speech marks eg "Are you mad? You do realize..." or to put it all in itallics to show it is memory.
'company policy."' There should be a question mark, not a full-stop.
'time, you repeat this mistake, there will be serious' You don't need either of these comma's, it would flow better without them.
'uncomfortable return journey from the location of our Country Head Office, hadn't helped matters either' Both of the crossed out sections are redundant - it must be the location of which where they went was, and the either is bad for flow. You also do not need the comma after 'Office' - once again, flows better without.
'I had just reached Kwakorum, my base, a couple of hours back' This sentence was a bit awkward to read. 'Just reached' and 'a couple hours back' seem to contradict eachother. I'd try a phrasing like 'It had only been a couple hours since I reached base.' The inclusion of 'my' is also redundant as it can be assumed.
'Miserable and depressed, I sat down for breakfast.' Rather than stating emotions, it would be more effective to show them. Something about 'slumping into the chair', or 'fighting weariness as he spooned food...' would allow the reader to visualize it better.
Around now some more description of the house would be nice. All we know is he is a rich buisnessman at a table. For example, instead of annoucing Rosa through dialouge you could describe the echo of heels on polished wood that alerted you to her presence, or something like that which would give clues as to the surroundings and make it easier to visualize.
'Makes me feel strange."' It would be good to put 'me' in itallics to make it flow on better from previously where she says it makes 'them' feel strange. Just to make the speech sound more natural.
'I mean, Neil. Actually we are not used to calling our bosses by their name.' Something about the use of the word 'actually' here just doesn't seem to flow naturally - it seems a bit rude, which her reluctance to call him other than sir would suggest she is not. I would replace it with something meeker such as 'I'm afraid' or 'we're just not used to...'
'Not one of my favorite fruits, yet it didn't occur to me that my caretaker Rosa wouldn't have bought them' Otherwise it seems like the second part explains the first, rather than apposing it.
'hung so heavily in the air, and I paid scant attention to their presence in the fruit basket on the dining table' This is a bit of a run-on, so you want to shorten it. I also think it flows better this way.
'She beamed with pride.' she didn’t get them herself, so perhaps ‘beamed at my happiness’ or ‘beamed at the praise’ would be more appropriate?
Check your sentence startings. You have a lot that start with ‘I’ or ‘She’ or ‘This’ or ‘The’. This type of beginnings, when there are a few in a row, tend to be bad for flow and leave a listing feeling. I’d try to use more of the ‘Table, walking, surprised, scents’ etc type of startings. This will add variety, be good for flow, help the piece seem more action-y (mind’s gone blank as to a real word for that  ) and bring the piece out as a whole. Often it can be achieved by simple re-phrasing or, if necessary, adding in a line with a different starting to break a row.
Careful of cliches. While having the character react to being called ‘sir’ is useful in setting his character quickly, relying on it and coming back to it with various characters makes the piece seem less original as this is used in many other texts and films.
'Not today, atleast.' Quick fix, just needs a space between 'at' and 'least'.
'This time, I let out a deep breath and held myself back.' Again, you don't need the comma. This is a continuing error in the piece, so I won't point it out every time. I'll just say if you're unsure whether to use one to read it aloud with and without and see which flows better - if it flows fine without a pause you generally don't need one.
'I responded bravely' Wherever possible, it's better to describe how they responded in a sensory way and let the reader make judgements like 'brave'. This helps the reader get entrenched in the story, visualize it and become more attached and drawn into the story. Again, there are multiple instances so I won't mention them all - but have a look through the story and wherever you have listed an emotion try and substitute it with actions (eg tightening jaw)/what is heard (eg long sigh)/what is seen (eg downswept eyebrows)/ etc.
'Though only ten in the morning, the African sun's furious glare from the cloudless, late- September sky served a grim warning againstof the scorching afternoon that lay ahead.' This is a bit of a run-on, so I'd take out the 'cloudless...' bit - it can be basically guessed from the 'furious glare' anyway. If the month is important, I'd work it in later. Once again, I won't point out every instance whereby there are statements that are already implied, merely say that the reader is good at such things and if something implies something else it generally does not need to be further clarified - this slows the story down. Look through in your descriptions, especially the longer ones, and you will be able to fix many of these. I'll point out any you miss when I re-review
'vagaries of nature ' and 'eked out a parsimonious existence ' I had to look up 'vagaries' and 'parsimonious' and 'eked'. Varied vocab is good, but not to the point where the reader is unsure of some words meanings as this breaks the flow. Of course, this might be just me not knowing them - I've read stories before where I don't know some words because they are typically used in America and I'm from England and living in NZ. If this is the case, just ignore this comment.
'parents can be, my only regret ' semi-colon, not comma.
In general, be careful of 'telling' instead of 'showing'. So far there's been a feeling as if we are hearing a story told, rather than in the place itself. This is partly due to the fast pace as you tell us of his life, partly due to not describing locations and sensory details and partly due to writing out emotions as emotions instead of actions. Working on any of these would make the piece more gripping.
'I had always craved for both freedom and power, and my new job allowed me plenty of both - of course, only within the defined norms of the Company.' Take out the comma after 'power', a dash not a comma after 'both' and add 'only' after 'course'. All of these changes will make it flow better and the grammar be more accurate.
'ItEverything all seemed ' There's nothing inherently better about 'everything' rather than 'it' - you've just used 'it' and 'I' a lot in the past couple paragraphs as begginings and this will add a bit more variety.
'Though intrigued, I quickly forgot her and also about the bananas at breakfast, the moment I reached office where a mountain of paperwork sat on my desk. ' This is awkward phrasing. You don't realize why he forgets until the end of the sentence and it's a bit of a run-on. Something like 'Though intrigued, the mountain of paperwork awaiting me was quick to dimiss any thought of her. Forgotten, too, were the bananas of breakfast.' This breaks the sentence up and flows better.
'child clinging to her back' Was this a toddler, or a baby? If so, I would call them that, instead of 'child'. If it is just because he is sick and is unusually large to be carried that way, that too would be worth mention.
'I could only see the child's tiny feet and hands as it clutched to its mother's sides who stood facing me.' The last bit of the sentence is awkward phrasing - it reads as if bits have been added on. Something more intergrated, such as '... and hands clutched around the sides of the mother before me.' might be better. Only an example, you might want to re-phrase the sentence into two.
You have a lot of sentences of about the same length. This is bad for flow and creates a listing feeling. I would suggest that you intersperse longer lines with short ones - this will add variety, tension, help the pace and keep the audiences interest. Since you are editing anyway, now is a good time to work with that in mind - while you are re-phrasing sentences, split some so you have long and short statements.
'corners of her lips.' Plural, there are two corners.
'Her elaborate, hairdo captivated me' No comma. By the way, the last couple paragraphs were great - they got the emotion across clearly and were easy to identify with.
One problem with the character's - Abena's - situation at this point. You describe 'elaborate hairdo's', 'makeup', 'creams', 'baskets of vegetables' and 'rich clothes' which all indicate she is fairly well off: yet the family did not have enough saved up to pay medical care for the child. I wouldn't make her quite so well-off in terms of possesions - maybe food if she works/lives on a farm, but not clothes and hair and makeup. It creates a picture of luxury you wouldn't assume her to have just after using all that money - they'd want to be saving some.
'I paused slightly unable to bring the words to my lips' Add a comma after 'paused'. I'd take out the slightly because it's a black or white thing - either he says it or he doesn't. Also, I'd put the what he was thinking of saying first so the paragraph flows more smoothly and we know to what words you are referring. This will also nulify the need for 'I wanted to enquire' as his attempting to say it will imply this.
'Whatever may be the case, I certainly the sweet smells that emanated from her being.' I think you meant to put something after 'certainly' such as 'liked' or 'appreciated'.
'My little episode of the advance was quickly forgotten and forgiven because - bolstered by a record harvest - my current performance surpassed all expectations.' Either dashes, or brackets, something to seperate that statement for the sake of flow. Alternatively, you could re-phrase.
'basket full' a dash connecting these two.
My impressions on the plot so far: the plot is building steadily and the characterization and positions of the two are clear. The conflict and infactuation are both becoming apparent. You have a good pace so far and the plot is easy to understand. I would have liked a few more specific scenes, such as the first meeting - these have more emotional impact and hold more interest than general statements such as 'over the next month', or 'as a habit'. Good use of the motif of the 'slight smile' to link the events with her together and therefore the whole story together. It helps make her character consistent and provides good contrast to Neil, who, as you say, has 'trouble concealing his emotions'.
'Abena will be there from ' Wouldn it be, 'be here', not 'there'?
'and expressive eyes, bewildered me' No comma.
'you goget home'
'Don’t worry. I leavelive nearby.' Comma, not full-stop.
The interaction between the two for the next little while is great - you can clearly see the cultural differences in how he keeps trying to help. This should go in the strengths section, but I figure if I put it here you'll know which part I'm talking about You've created characters whose personalities bounce off eachother remarkably well - they're quite a humourous and endearing couple.
In terms of the title, I would think about what the shell necklace means and play around with some emotion in it, like 'Just a Shell, Just a Life.' or go for what the shell necklace is, something like 'Most Cherished' or 'That Most Cherished'. Don't know what you think of them, but I'd try to intergrate a feeling of loss into the title.
'The food was the tastiest ever since I had left my parents’ house' Awkward phrasing. Maybe 'The food was better than any I had tasted since leaving home.'
At this point, I'd suggest being careful of making Abena 'too perfect'. Not in terms of her situation, which of course is far from it, but in terms of personality. Everyone has flaws and having more of these showing through will help the reader connect more and in the end bring the piece out and make the romance even more tragic at the end.
'say insincerely because secretly' Dash between 'insincerely' and 'because'.
'our hands. I observed ' The sentence just stops here. Did you mean to continue it, or merely forget a full-stop? Either way, needs fixing up.
'You know, George' No comma.
'excuse me. I have ' Dash, not full-stop. It'll make the talking sound more natural. If you listen when people speak in real-life, there are generally a lot more sentences suited to dashes than anything else. It can be hard to write believable dialouge, but using more dashes and longer sentences (in general) is a good start. Another way to check if it sounds natural is saying it aloud yourself, or thinking of what the character wants to get across and then talking how you would to say that - makes a good starting point.
'with motherliness making her look ' Either you need a comma after 'motherliness' or you need to re-phrase. As a more general phrasing thing, it sounds better to connect two statements connected by content with something like 'that' or 'because', then to just put them one after another. For example, this sentence would become '...motherliness that made her look even prettier.'
'affection , and I couldn’t help but envy' You don't need the 'I'. This is another continuing error. If you've already stated 'I' in a sentence, the person who the observation comes from will not have changed so you don't need to state it again. You need the 'but' for the sentence to make sense.
A strength again: I like how little things, such as Abena's good english, are introduced early and explained later on. This helps link the story together and hint at the larger world than the story, making it more believable.
'You can also maketell/check by the sound' Unless you have her speaking wrong on purpose in order to show she is new to English. If so, it is not an error that makes it hard for the reader to understand.
Having the child come to give the cocoa was a good touch, much more emotional and creating a feeling of longing and sadness which a direct contact would not have.
'report of supplier’s with outstanding,' outstanding what? You need to put something there, such as 'outstanding debts'.
'the credit entry long time ' need an 'a' between 'entry' and 'long'.
'otherwise all I would have, forever, believed' No comma's, take out the 'all'.
'heavily agaist my chest' misspelling, should be 'against'.
'one meeting ' on, not one.
End Comments:
And... done! Hope you find some of that helpful
I enjoyed the story, it was well-constructed and has some good potential once the technical issues have been hammered out. The characterization and plot are sound, which are the aspects that really matter with a first draft. Additionally, the emotion in the latter half of the story, at certain points, is very strong: especially the ending. Once you've edited, drop me an email and I'll be happy to come back and re-review. Good luck with the editing and keep writing!
Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |
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| (3.5)
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