"Marry me someday" doesn't mesh well
With spending skin money"
After I read that, I thought- skin money? Cool! "Skin money" is such an awesome phrase. It can mean so many things- tattoos, pornography, money spent on strippers- whatever! I love it!
Clearly, this work represents someone tired of their signifcant other's hesistance to make good on the hopes and dreams that were once professed when the relationship was originally undertaken. Also- to convey the damage done by the callow actions of a false soulmate.
This poem reminds me an awful lot of Alan Dugan's Love Song, I and Thou, which happens to be one of my favorites.
The only suggestion I can think of this perhaps swapping out the second "plunge" with the word "deep" instead. "Plunge" twice in such close proximity is a little unusual. Just a thought.
I like the way you write and I enjoy your perspective.
I especially like your phrase, "Was this culprit a volunteer?" Nice work there- especially since your title faked me out a bit. I thought you were going to be writing a war poem, but you ended up writing a life poem.
Oh how I wish you had lyrics for the FULL version of Medusa/Rudolph! I wish for that so much!
So- I have come to beg-- please, please, please, please, PLEASE????
I'll do ANYTHING!
For what you've got- it was great for a laugh. I could really use the whole spoof song though- I think you are really on to something. I have only one issue with it.
It's not even Halloween yet- and you have already put an insipid Christmas Carol in my head. Thank YOU oh so MUCH! No, really!
So I figure- the only way you can make restitution is to complete the parody.
Well- it's pretty obvious what Octavius is- he's a Griffin! And I'm not talking about Merv!
I checked- there are at least three alternate spellings of the word- "Griffin, griffon, and gryphon."
Griffin is the spelling I was most familiar with in my childhood, when I read books of myths.
Helpful suggestion: if you are going to have a thumbnail where you say, "guess what Octavius is," and then you come right out and say it before the end of your poetic riddle- it ruins the effect.
Witness:
Me: "Guess what I have in my pocket?"
You: "Okay... uh... let me think about it.."
Me: "It's string! Have you guessed yet?"
Kind of defeats the purpose. Not saying you should change the poem, just maybe the thumbnail.
Odd choice that your second line extends out- while no other verse does so. My suggestion, pare it down to two seperate verses, or have other verse continue as you did with the second line.
I would replace "It floats" with "Floating," as that would match your other terminology better.
I think you should swap out "no one knows" with a different way of phrasing that.
Instead of "gets," why not consider something like- "Closer and closer to its destination it journeys" Just a thought.
Not to promote an "amoral" lifestyle- but I can think of plenty of people off-hand who didn't let this little couple's problem stop them.
That aside- I can feel the sadness and regret of your protagonist- desiring something that can never be fufilled, wanting someone who will never be with him.
You capitalize every line of verse in this poem save one, "not to drown you with misery." Since the others are capitalized- this looks like an error. It may be intentional- but it could be viewed as mere sloppiness. Think on it.
Second- you end the poem on a comma, "To that which waits beyond," This could be intentional again- as some sort of "leave you hanging" kind of deal- but the end of your poem is the end of your poem. If I stare at your words, nothing else is going to show up- not unless you send me a revision. The comma at the end is bad form.
I'm not exactly sure how "uplifted" I feel about death after reading this- but you didn't hurt my perception of it either. Call it a push!
The idea of a menstrual cycle being vampire food was a little gross, to tell the truth.
I appreciate you clueing attentive readers in with the whole "twenty eight day" reference earlier in the work. I knew it was coming (pardon the pun) but I wasn't anxious to go there.
And then you went there. Yipee!
Quick questions- if she is looking for him, waiting for him, scanning the skies- why would she confuse him for a bird in the beginning? You might try the opposite device- she thinks she sees him- oops, only a bird. Ever waited for somebody to pick you up on the side of the road? All cars start to look like the car you are waiting for... Same concept.
Second- if he's got the ability to fly, why not have your heroine just walk away from the boring guy and look for a clearing? Your bat is doing a holding pattern over the landing area- we aren't talking about a jumbo jet and a landing strip. Any clearing should do- once she is in eyesight (or radar sight) if the bat. Just another idea for how she could get away from the boring guy- without just waiting for him to leave himself.
I don't like the cliched opening line, "It was a good day." I think you should replace it- or failing that, just start this work with your second sentence.
I think an adjective would do nicely before the words "leather seat." It could be a color, a texture- both, anything. I want to be in this car- tell me what I am sitting in.
I know why you describe the car as an '82 Monte Carlo- but not all your readers will know what that means. Consequently- some may feel when they read this description that this work is merely for car aficiandos- but I think your work has a broader audience. Just a suggestion.
Since I'm driving the car now as you write- what color is that carpet interior? What does the interior of this car smell like? What does my windshield look like? Clear as a bell, or pock-market with dead insects and chips & cracks? We got the radio on? CD or radio station? Or is it Sirius Satellite- you tell me!
I think you should place a space in between "black surface-no" to make it "black surface- no"
Has great potential! I think it could be even greater.
After our last experience together- I was keyed to the fact that you like writing your "puzzle" stories- so the concept of an insect epic was quick to mind.
I can't decide if it's ants, bees or wasps. All have a hive mentality- moreso the ants & bees- and all have the ability to fly- certain types of ants, anyway.
I especially like the term "burst" as jargon for insect death. This work is imaginative and highly inventive. The best part- it's a good story, no matter who it is about.
Watch spelling errors. In your thumbnail- you misspelled "Halloween" and "goes"
Halloween is a holiday- so capitalize it each time you use the word.
Some of the activities Mark and his friends engage in for Halloween (egging, shaving cream on cars, toilet papering) tend to make your protagonist and his buddies less likeable. Perhaps this is your intention- but consider how a victim of Mark's would react to Mark's demise. "Oh no!" or "Good riddance!" Just saying.
A few more spelling/grammatical errors:
"Forty five minutes," not "Fortey five minutes."
"Screamed" not "screemed"
"heard their story," not "heard there story"
This story could be interesting, but it seems like you rushed it. Imagine if you were telling the tale of Titanic. "And then the ship sank," may be a factual account of what happened- but it lacks artistry. The thrilling conclusion involving the axe wielding wild man is the essence of your tale. Why wrap it up in a mere seven sentences?
I like your phrase, "Will soulful lust, Become a reality?" It's hard to tell if you want it to or not. I think the ambiguity of that helps make your poem.
I think you could get something more out of this poem as well. This poem is about, as titled- the "need to want." Why not explore the other side- the "want to need?" It could make an excellent follow-up, or even a great counterpoint in the original work. Really get to the bottom of the themes you are exploring.
The thing I don't like about science fiction writing- the prose can end up suffocating the work.
Imagine you changed the local and theme of this story to a Western. (Go with it)
Would you call your characters "Cowboy One," or "Horse Three?" Doesn't really match up, does it?
My point- don't let the gimmicks of Sci Fi kill your story. Star Wars- the original trilogy- you have all kinds of gadgets and aliens running around. But the story plays out like an old time movie serial- and everybody loved it! Reach beyond your genre. Tell me a story- a story that just happens to be sci fi.
This poem is a real downer. I assume that is what you were going for, so mission accomplished.
I admire your rhyming discipline. I am not a fan of rhyming poetry, but you carried it off quite nicely, with the first and last, second and fourth, and third and fifth couplets. Impressive.
I had the chance to read an earlier version of this that you were working on, and it appears you have ironed out most of your early kinks. Good job!
To be honest, the first thing I thought of when I read this poem- is this the Scott Peterson "I'm Sorry" card to his murdered wife Lacy?
A little black humor there- but remember, unintentional comedy still can affect the way your work is percieved. Think of Ben Affleck!
Stylistically- I wish you didn't use color to differentiate your poem's refrain. What's the matter- don't you think your audience is going to get it? Riffs & Sea- you make mention of them each three times. We get it.
I like what you have to say. I suggest you try to refine the poem a bit- maybe "lost among the riffs" and "bottom of the sea" should only appear once in the poem, twice max.
I think you have great talent. If the breakup was yours, I'm sorry. Although- pain can be a fertile area to write about.
I assume "midnight run" refers to a late night booty call, to use an indelicate term.
The funny thing about the poem is it almost makes the "sacrifice" you are making seem heroic, giving the damsel in distress a few minutes in heaven before you return her to her prior state.
You say you'd bear the burden with her- only if you could?? What's stopping you? Is this a cheating situation for you? If so- why not explore that aspect of the situation in this work? Could add more thought provoking stuff!
All in all, a fascinating work. Keep writing!
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