Please remember these are my opinion and don't take it the wrong way.{/b}
A great story about an old oak tree. The tree has seen any family gatherings and children playing. I like the title, it fits the poem and it caught my attention. The description is good, I could see everything unfolding.
Please remember these are my opinion and don't take it the wrong way.
I will start by saying that I believe you have a good start to a story here. However, there is room for improvement.
Suggestions:
All sentences need to begin with a capital letter and end with a period. It is hard to follow the story without punctuation. Also don't tell the story. Let the story unfold through dialog, let the characters tell the story.
"the line had was open from 1901-1921 the line only ran for twenty years" You only need one of these lines you are saying the same thing twice.
With some work this could be a great ghost story.
Keep on writing.
Please remember these are my opinions and don't take it the wrong way.
The beginning is strong, you pulled me in. Good job. You kept the story moving at a good pace. I didn't see the part where the explosion destroying everything coming. I liked the ending where Joe realized that he was a rich man and not because of the oil.
I believe the title fits the story. It is well written.
Suggestions:
Give some character description of Joe and Scott.
"A flash of lightning exploded through the room, and Jeff bolted upright. “What the hell?” The blackness once again surrounded him, but he saw just enough to be plunged into the terrifying awareness that this was not his bedroom. “Where am I?”" These lines really caught my attention more than the open lines.
It left me wondering what the payment was and was Rob going to be able to make it? Would he have to sacrifice more?
I was draw into the story and could see it being played out.
Please remember these are my opinion and don't take it the wrong way.
Gypsy Ann
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