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26
26
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Vivian , you, yes you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item"  you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

I am with the coach, I would have been a tad worried about splitting the brothers on teams also.

This is a nice piece it has brothers, a mom and a dad, baseball, competition, understanding and love. I like it and the descriptions of the games. I know it can happen, but it seems too idyllic to have three brothers of these ages and no discordance from them all day under the circumstances. Not that it couldn't or doesn't happen, it's just an amazing thing to see.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

“Ryan,” Coach Shelby said as he walked up with Shane beside him, “I need you and Shane to trade teams. We have too many of you bigger guys on this team and not enough on Team Four.”

There is nothing wrong with this line, but the first time through this piece I missed it or it didn't register or something (okay I am not a real sharp guy but I can't help it you know? My mom dropped me on me head when I was a wee lad). Consequently I spent a while being confused as to who was the youngest and it was hard to follow, the story that is. Maybe a bit more emphasis earlier on the youngest or the ages of the the relative position of the guys in order of birth or something might help. Of course I am just one guy and it may just be me who can't follow along.

Motioning to the game in the diamond in front of them, his father answered, "They've both won one and lost one, and their teams play each other next." Laying an arm around his son's shoulders, he added, "Ryan, don't get discouraged. You're doing fine."

I don't get why the dad motions to the diamond in front of him here?

"The score's been tied for five innings, and since one team has to win..." The boys' father shrugged as he glanced down to his shorter wife. "They're in the top of the sixth inning now, with Colby making the only hit and knocking in a player who had walked." He unscrewed the cap of the plastic bottle. "Right now Team Five has four runs, and Team Six, three."

Okay, I know I am rather dense and slow. Lots of the time I don't get it, so if I am overlooking something here please feel free to disregard this or go ahead and tell me what an idiot I am.

This is my understanding of the game's status at the moment. The game is tied, it has been for five innings. It's the top of the sixth. At some point in the came Colby got the teams only hit and got an RBI from a walked runner. And then the dad says team five is up by a run on team six, four to three. So if Colby is on a team that has had two or three unearned runs and has spoiled a no hitter. Is that correct? I can buy two or three unearned runs considering we are talking about little league and mixed ages competing. But why did the dad say they were tied at the moment? This made me put on the breaks and determine if I had read it correctly, then I went back to see what I had missed that would explain the situation a bit better, but I didn't find anything. So I am going to assume that what was really meant was that Colby got the only hit in the top if the sixth? but then they aren't tied at the moment? I know I am missing something, so what am I not seeing?

Phrases or bits I liked:

“Hey, guys, just remember all you’ve learned this week in baseball camp, plus what you already know,”...

I like this for the general information that the dad is telling all the guys but really directing to Shane, following it up with the more general comment really is a good way to take the pressure of the youngest and putting him in a different "class" of player or admitting that his skills aren't going to be as honed as his brothers. Good dad, good coach. Well done here.
This

Final Discussion/Impression:

Anything with baseball kids and dads is good, it has to be by definition, that is just the way it is.

As I have mentioned above there were a couple of things I didn't get, the first was really no big deal but the second was too much to ignore. I am still not getting it and it's a pretty important of the piece in the scheme of things and certainly in Colby's day. For me it is too large a hiccup in the piece. If you can tell me what I missed I will be more that happy to revise the score I am going to give this.

I found it difficult too keep the boys straight, specifically which kid was which age, Mainly I think this is due to the very short paragraphs and the rapid switching of talking about one kid or the other. I think a bit more time spent introducing the guys and their status, age, in the family would be beneficial in making this a a smoother, easier reading piece. that is just my opinion though and I may be the only guy with these problems, or this problem. No I guess no matter who you talk to they will tell you that concerning me problem should be plural.

What I really like about this piece is the fact it show a healthy family with good relationships with each other, I mean even the brothers get along for the day. How cool is that? I know it can happen that brothers of these ages will get along for 24 hours so it isn't a fantasy thing. The dad's comment about at least for today at the end is a great way to add that reality to the story. I think if it came earlier in the story that would really help make this a realistic piece, maybe just a shared look by mom and dad when the older guys support the younger in the car or something. then again maybe it's just me. Either way it's a great look at, and example of a good family and caring parents. In my opinion something we don't read a lot about around here.

In spite of my confusion in the fifth or sixth inning I really liked this and I would encourage you to clear up the confusion if it really is there. If it is just me you can write-off the review.
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27
27
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Bonnie , you, yes you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item"  you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

I am not sure why but I feel like I can relate to this story. However I've never chopped down a palm tree. It explanation after the title that got me to read this.

There are some amusing parts here, but there are also some typos and awkward sentences that make it somewhat difficult to follow in a couple of place. I have to read it a couple more times though, sometimes these things are clearer for me the second time around. Not that I am slow or anything. Okay, I am slow, but I've learned to live with it. Sorta.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

`This is getting old, Jules said sounding exasperated

I think maybe there is a typo here, should there be a quotation mark after the old?

`Either see she gets out-or {iyou can do the grocery shopping!`

There is a long section of this story in italicized, The italics start here. I am thinking maybe there is no end italics bracket where one was supposed to go?

This kitten had landed a good home, thought Tim, Tiger has only been gone six months, woman they soon forget loved ones and get replacements quickly{i wonders if she would replace me as quick...}

This bit seems very awkward to, I am just one guy though and not real bright so it could be me. The entire thing is in italics but it is where the long italicized part ends. I am wondering if maybe the author is trying to put this characters thoughts in italics? I put thoughts in italics, of course that doesn't mean it's right.

I am wondering if woman should be plural here it kinda sounds the guy is generalizing to include all women, at least to me it does. I think there may be an extra space between gone and six.

One of the awkward things here is "...kitten had landed..." that kinda makes it sound like the kitten intentionally went looking for some poor sap that would take it home and feed it organic chicken. At least to me, because I thought there was a bit about the kitten being stranded by the freeway or something. For me an 'in' between landed and a would sound better and make a lot more sense.

The other thing about this passage is the quick replacement part. Now I am not claiming to have any keen insight to the female psyche, as the matter of fact far from it I mean if I did my wife wouldn't be exasperated with me quite so much and I would have an inkling as to why she gets exasperated in the first place. Alas, I haven't a clue. Anyway, in my limited experience with females it doesn't seem to me that they forget loved ones all that quickly and they certainly don't replace them with real loved quickly. Granted my experience is limited, only one wife for 32 tears and a daughter and a mom and a sister, wait I think I mean 33 years, and none of them seem all that quick to try and substitute one cat for another. It just doesn't sound right to me. But then again I am just one guy. Oh yeah and a daughter-in-law.

Snooks began pawing the cabinet door, he let her out,...

How come the cat paws the cabinet door to go out and not the door?

Jules was a smart woman, lavish the cat with attention, hold some back from Tim, he will eventually come round.

Now this is just me again, but, Jules doesn't really sound that smart here, she sounds mean to me. To me withholding attention or affection is just kinda bitchy I think. Additionally, this sounds pretty out of character with the animal lover and forgiving wife at the end of this. Maybe it's just me though.


Phrases or bits I liked:

He did feel a bit guilty.looking over at the kitten while Jules went to get him a beer from the kitchen `Ok, Snooks, thanks for taking the heat on this, I owe you one!' The kitten just cowered down in the bed.'

This was good, it shows the guy actually does kinda like the cat and even appreciates what the cat went through and is taking the blame for him. Well not willingly but he is still giving the cat credit

Meeting Joe, as she was leaving the grocery store was timely. She also meant to clear away the dead chickadee that morning!

I like this line, or couple of lines because of the comedic potential. There is a ton of potential here. I would suggest breaking these up a bit perhaps and maybe giving more than just a line to meeting Joe at the store. Even though this is a pretty short story a quick reminder that Joe was the guy Tim called, Or perhaps, and I think this is the way I would be tempted to do it is let her mention meeting Joe at the store, But not have her mention it until Time has given a her a very embellished fictional story of saving the bird from certain death at the fiendish claws of the cat. I'd let her really kinda sucker him in, give him plenty of rope to hang himself. Then she could casually mention seeing Joe his friend the fireman with the firetruck.

I suppose then, and this is strictly me, she could then draw the real story out of him and do something nice like tell him that it was more the challenge of growing the tree than the tree itself and actually thank him for getting the cat out of it. Of course that is just me and happy endings.


...she simply leap of before it hit the ground. although it wasn't...

A couple of typos I think, should of be off and I think although she be capitalized.

Final Discussion/Impression:

In the end this was an entertaining story, but at times the reader, well me at least, gets distracted by some of the typos and the awkward wording. And distractions will take away from the flow and impact of the story, actually they'll kill the flow and for me I think that is one of the problems here.

I feel like I have severely pummeled you about the head and shoulders and I am really hoping you are still with me here because the potential i9n this piece is tremendous. I think the bones are here for a great comedy piece that can also show the solid marital relationship the two have, at least I hope they have. Comedy and love are there they just need to be massaged a bit. The whole cat thing and him not liking the cat is a great place to show some comedy. The wife essentially forgiving him is a great example of the bond and relationship a husband and wife can have.

I would strongly encourage you to spend some time with this story making the characters more consistent, having their actions or words show there personality and their belief in each other. I think that is there just not really shown consistently, or quite enough, but maybe if they were consistent it would show with what is here, I'd have to think about that.

Anyway, all in all the typos and awkward structure really detract from what could be a very good short story.
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28
28
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Nani - Blessed Indeed , you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item"  you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

Man, there is a lot of information packed in this piece, that in itself is pretty impressive. I was somewhat surprised that once I started reading this I was looking forward to whatever was coming next. Nice work in that respect.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

They had waited and watched and watched and waited for the first signs of their ne...

I am considerably older than the target audience, by a long shot (a really long shot), but I am thinking that there are one too many "ands" here. I think the "and" between the two "watchings" could be omitted or replaced with a comma and it would be a bit less redundant, maybe help keeps a kid's attention that way? I don't know, just me trying to think. Scary I know.

They really didn’t know how many to expect.

This could a be an adult ear/mind verses a kid's (okay, I know everyone will argue the whole adult thing, probably vehemently, but well just say for illustrative purpose only. Or how about we can pretend the average adult? I won't go into the mind part but we can pretend that too) but I think that "really" is kinda overkill here. Well unless maybe it's there to impress the lid. That is a possibility I hadn't thought of, sorry.

Sometimes it took as long as two days for the hatchlings to free themselves from their first home.

Again, it's a kid/grown-up thing but "as long as" doesn't really seem needed to me. But I am just one guy.

their parents and the other clutches of geese in their flock back here to the same spot.

A sharp kid that is listening is going to say, "Hey wait a minute, didn't they really search for this place? Why didn't they just go to the same place they went last year?" That kinda seems like a logical question to me after they "looked and looked" for this place. Don't sweat it though, I was a trouble maker as a kid too.

Phrases or bits I liked:

There really were no particular lines that stood out as better than the rest. But, overall the writing is very consistent and of a high quality. That is good. The goal set as an Informative children's short story about Canada Goose. is achieved in a very convincing fashion. I do have a couple of concerns That I'll discuss below. However, the caliber of this piece is quite amazing.

Final Discussion/Impression:

There is a lot of information in this story. The way it is written I am guessing it as aimed at the younger kids, those that don't read yet. If that is the case then I wonder about some of the vocabulary. Many of the words seem a bit advanced to the average non-reader kid, if the parent or reader is willing to stop and explain each term it's great, even better. But, I would be concerned about the kid loosing track of what is going on. That is just a concern that probably would vary somewhat from child to child but it's still something to think about. I think anyway.

The naming of many of the plants and trees is really nice I think, a great way to get a kid looking at his/her environment and noticing the differences between different aspects of it and between plants and birds and so forth, a great way to perhaps start a life-long interest on botany or waterfowl. Very nice in that respect.

As I mentioned before I think the goal set fort in this has been well achieved and with a few exceptions regarding some of the vocabulary and the home thing it's really a very good story that would be a good addition to any child's library I think.
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Review of Color My World  
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello warriormom, you, yes you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item"  you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

This was a good poem, I think there would be more impact with the first use of color changed to grey like most of the rest of the piece though. It would kind of emphasize the bland aspect of the subject.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

...
images
remain
as

a
hazy
...

I don't think there is anything wrong with the wording or flow here. I did read the description, or definition of a "Double Nonet" so I get the structure and flow stuff. So this is strictly my problem here.

It seems to me that the break, or space between the single Nonets kind of breaks the rhythm or flow, at least the visual part of it. Well no, the visual and audio portions combined. I don't have a suggestion other than no space, or maybe making a thought or sentence end with the single syllable. For a simple minded guy like me it just seems better that way, symmetrical or something.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Color my world gray, for depression

This is a great opening line. It really kind of demands the readers attention. It's extremely effective. I really like it, very nice work with this. The use of color and then grey is very effective in shifting gears and drawing interest. Strong opening, nice.

...
ever taunting
me to burst through the
ominous darkness...

Man, to me the essence, mood, hopelessness of depression is really nailed in these words. So cruel and poignant. Way scary, very very well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I don't usually care for poetry that comes in special or specific colors or fonts. I see the use of grey hare and get it, it seems appropriate but there is still something about doing that that doesn't settle very well with me. I don't have an explanation or logical reason for that though so I am not really sure it's a valid statement. But, it is poetry and so much of poetry is emotion based, especially a piece like this. The use of colors, as already sort of mentioned, goes well with this the second time it's used though, it really heightens the impact of the poem. In that respect a very good job has been done because if I am liking the color part something has to be right as far as I'm concerned.

Overall it's a very catching piece, for me it capture a portion of deep depression very well. Some of the emotion and the hopelessness of the depressed is seen in this short piece, and that is hard to do in a piece of any length, especially a poem of such restrictive form, so good work on that point.

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Review of New Beginnings  
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello aralls, I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
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Initial Impression:

Very nice, Audra (please note the comma as the author is directly addressed). I really like the way this seems to go from abstract to concrete and then back and so on. There are some very insightful and thought provoking lines in it.

And that is after only one time through.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I have nothing to put here. I am sure there are parts I am not getting, or certainly not seeing as the author wishes I would see them. But it all has a meaning to me, every line. To me that is a sign of a dang good piece of poetry.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Smiling inwardly, embracing the freedom.

I know this is part of a pair but I have separated them because even though as a pair they are very strong and go together well for me two different emotions are coaxed out of me. This is really a joyful line. Freedom and acceptance in this line make me smile, inwardly outwardly whatever it is a single line that expresses joy and contentment extremely well. And in so few,five, words. It is really amazing. Very nice, very satisfying.

World, please accept me vulnerable and raw.

Actually, I read this piece earlier today and although I liked it as a whole this is the line that made me want to come back and review it and read it again. And probably read several days from now.

I like this line because even though it kinda sounds like pleading for acceptance it really isn't. It's more like, "Here I am, this is the real me, the raw me. Take me or leave me, but I'd rather you take me." In a powerful poem this is the most powerful line. Very well done here.

Goals desired, but fear will render failure,
remain unspoken so they don’t become real.

The second line here, man I don't know about others but this line is like a whack on the forehead with a 2 x 4. It's so close to home it's painful. What emotion and feeling you have elicited with this line.

I didn't feel like I could break up these two lines, they come together, they are a pair or something. The first part is nice but it doesn't have the power or significance that the second part has for me. But still they go together. This is one I am going to be thinking on, the relationship between the two.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I am not sure what else I can say about this piece. I know this is a lousy review because there is nothing I have to add to this, well add isn't the right word. I guess I can't do anything but praise it so it doesn't really help the author at all. But man, this is a poem I am going to want to read over and over, and each time it will be fresh and each time it will be comfortable in the freedom and realization it not only revels in but that it inspires in the reader. Crap, now I just sound like I'm gushing, how embarrassing is that? Pretty embarrassing let me tell you.

Anyway, it is piece to identify with and enjoy time and again. I call it a dang good poem, crafted by a true poet. Very, very well done.
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31
31
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Beck Firing back up! , you, yes you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item"  you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

Wow, I am not sure where this piece left me. It was engaging, entertaining, and it's over. I guess I am not sure about the end, or how it ended, no I know how it ended. What was the resolution?

I'll know better after I read it a couple more times, I hope.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

...a garbage can fire and prayed my feet to get me to...

It could just be me but this sounds awkward to my ear. It almost seems like there should be a "for" between prayed and my? To me it would sound better. The first time through, and subsequent times, I had to stop and read it slowly a couple of times to try and decipher it.

I pulled my hat down over my burning forehead and ears as the wind blew another mighty gust.

I know I am slow, and that I miss a lot of obvious stuff sometimes, but are her forehead and ears burning because of the cold, because they feel cold I guess? With a little thought that is the conclusion I come to and I am pretty sure that is the intended conclusion I am supposed to come to. However, it isn't an obvious instantaneous conclusion and for me it sorta slowed the story down. If it does that for other readers also, and it may not I don't know, then it may not be a very good thing and some revision might be in order.

But it could be just me in which case you can ignore all that last bit.

I ran to the opened door on trembling legs...

I am just going to sum up the distances I have seen so far so if I made a mistake you can tell me where, okay?

In the beginning she walks by an alley with the can and fire and the bus stop is three and a half or four blocks away

The guy steps out of the alley at that point or very shortly afterward, within half a block or so?

So the bus stop is still at least three blocks away, maybe between two and three?

The bus pulls up and presumably stops at the end of the block.

She runs the half or three quarters of a block to the bus and gets on, it has waited for her.

Am I missing what happened to a couple of blocks? I am sorry this probably seems unimportant to you but I am the reader and these are the kind of things that I will notice and make stop and say hey wait a minute? And I'll go back and over until I either understand what is going on or until I determine something has been left out or I am just plain old not very bright.

To me it seems like there is a discrepancy here and I am hoping I just missed something.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I pulled my scarf around my face as the wind whipped a plastic Kohl’s bag around the base of street lighti

I kinda liked this line. I like the image and physical feeling of cold that has been shown. It gives the reader a sense of the bleak and drab street within the city. A empty bag blowing down the street. If this were a western it would have been a tumbleweed. Nice. I am not sure about the Kohl's part though, at first I sort of thought it was a Kohl's plug. Just a passing thought.

An odor somewhat like dead fish swam out of his mouth on the sea of vodka scent.

This is just a great descriptive line. The image that is created with this odor is very good. Excellent job done here. Very nice.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Okay, I understand the grandfather's message and how it applies in this situation, she took the right path he didn't. That's straightforward enough, but what is the project that brings her to this part of the city? Where did she chose to take the right path? How did he lose his future or get on the wrong path? It seems to me that there are two areas of tension, or "conflict", in this story. 1) How did this guy screw up his seemingly bright future, and 2) how or why did they completely lose touch after being high school sweethearts?

I realize this is flash fiction, if I am not mistaken it was for "Writer's Cramp" which has a 1,000 word maximum limit. This piece lists the word count at 675, significantly short of the limit. So for me, to me, it feels like the story isn't finished, it isn't brought to a conclusion. I think the introduction of the second character brings the story to him or the former relationship between the two. That would bring the conclusion to him or the two characters, one or the other, maybe both. Does that make sense?

I would think that if the author wants to focus of the story to remain on the woman and the two paths as mentioned at the grandfather's death then an illustration of how or where in the woman's path she choose her present course is needed or should be focused on. Now remember, I am just one guy and this isn't my story it's yours and I know that. I am just one guy and I am not getting this piece as it is presented and these are solutions that I would choose to make the story understandable to me. It is entirely possible that I plain old do not get this. It's your piece and it should, it demands actually to go how and where you think it should go. Which means you are entirely justified in writing me off as some crackpot idiot too stupid to understand your story. And that is totally cool and understandable. I am just saying don't put too much stock in anything anyone tells you about your writing.

That said, I will say that you have an awesome gift or talent for description that comes alive.Both lines I mentioned and a couple of others, getting herself onto the bus, physically bumping into the guy, are excellent examples of writing to the image. They literally force the reader to picture, to form an image or odor in the mind. That is some fantastic stuff, seriously.

The rating, which is really kinda meaningless but here goes. I am going with three and a half because there are too many plot thing I don't get, and that could be my lack of intelligence. The powers of description figures into that rating as probably an entire star, and I can't ever remember raising a rating by a whole star just for descriptive powers. So for sure if you aren't there (and as I hope I have pointed out you may be and it is just me) you are well on your way to becoming a very good writer.

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Review of The Best Gifts  
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's nice and the flow and rhythm is great until the last stanza I think,

accept this gift from me
I'm sending all my love

I think it's these two lines, I think each is okay with the previous and following line respectively. But something is lost in the transition between these two. It could be the "I'm" that hiccups, what if you leave the I'm out? I think it might match the rest of the poem better that way? Just me.

Also the third stanza gets kinda slow or something, there are two lines that start with "always", I'd be tempted to nix the first one myself.

Other than those two things maybe I think this is a nice piece, very sentimental, very mushy. I don't know if I could give it to anyone myself, being an ogre and all.
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Review by hbar
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Alexia Wynd , you, yes you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item"  you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

Interesting, written in a consistent, concise manner, well done there I like that. There seems to be a discrepancy or two that either I am missing or just don't get.

It is entertaining so that is good.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

...many of the diseases that we are still plagued with today.

To me, and I am just one guy mind you, this is a bit redundant, if "we are still plagued..." with them then I think it is fairly obviously implicit that it is today? At least it seems that way to me.

Their days were lived under the twin moons, Kwalo and Tynp and their nights were spent under...

This is in past tense, implying that life, or at least sentient life no longer survives on the planet. I had read this line twice the first time through just to make sure I understood what is being said. But several sentences later;

what the Q'wytian people consider their surface at any rate

I am pretty sure this is a present tense sentence/statement, I think? After reading it I immediately backed up to get my bearings, I have this thing about understanding what is happening in a piece like this and was definitely confused for a minute or three. After rereading the entry I was still confused. When I went through the second and third time I had a time reference frame to but this in and to me it seems that the first line, the 'were' parts need to be changed to a present tense.

In most any book, but sci-fi especially, an error like this will cause me to but the book down in disgust and not continue reading. I think this is still kinda in the draft stage though so it's not really a problem.

Luke seems to have recover from his injuries quite well,...

Just a typo here I think, should recover be recovered? It sounds better to my ear that way.

I have to train for months to get used to the environment.

This is from the opening entry and to me it sounds as if the mission is still several months away, as in the ship hasn't left Earth yet, then we are on the ship in the same log entry? Did I miss something? I may very well have, so it could just be me.

Phrases or bits I liked:

...they stand straight and move gracefully through the dank rock formations

"Dank", what a great descriptive word. I like this sentence, in and of itself it is interesting, we have dank and graceful together, almost poetic, very well done here.

~End Transmission~

I like the feel this gives the piece, along with the date at the beginning of each transmission. It's a very effective method of getting the narrators straight and minimized view of the facts and status of the mission. If this were to be expanded it would work very well with longer more 'informal' or personal story lines between the log entries. The emotional day to to struggles verses the 'scientific' report so to speak. Just an idea. Either way the set up here is effective and appealing, very nice.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I like this, I think that there are loads of potential in this short piece to expand this into a first rate short story or better yet novella.

The difficulty I experienced in the opening log entry are, if they exist, easily fixed and repaired which is good. As I did mention, to me there are things that if I came across in a completely finished and edited piece I would be pretty disgusted with but this isn't there yet and that is why we do this so it's good.

However, I think the author is really onto a good story and is using great technique and method to tell the story. I would most definitely encourage you to spend some time with this piece and at least expand it to a short story over a greater period of time.

The rating mostly stems from the my difficulties with the first transmission. Essentially however rating are really pretty meaningless in my opinion so don't get caught in that game.

Very well done, I hope to see a revision of this some day.
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Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Revelry new writings soon , you, yes you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item"  you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

In the beginning of this poem I was thinking about how bitter and hateful the piece is. It grew on me though and both the bitterness and hate are toned down some it seems to me, but it is then replaced by what? Self pity? I am not sure, I need to read this a couple more times to get some of it I think. At the moment I am not sure it is for me.

Disclaimer

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I'm left to burning another bridge again

This kinda stuck out, there is a bit of a hiccup here. I think it's the 'another' and 'again'. In a way it's redundant, it also raises a question, at least in my small mind, is this the same bridge burned twice or another completely separate bridge that the narrator is burning because he/she is forced to by the other?

This is one of the lines that had me thinking that perhaps the narrator is not only sarcastically bitter but also, what... not "out of touch" so much as blinded by anger and disappointment. Does that make sense? Remember, I am just one guy though and this is only my interpretation of what is there.

I'm the fake sitting on my lunacy phringe

I realize that "lunacy phringe" is in reference to either a song or a phrase in a song, but the spelling stops the poem cold for me. There was no way I could get past phringe any of the times that I read it without stopping and thinking, "Man, that is just weird."

I realize I am most likely not the target audience for this piece and maybe there is some significance to this phrase that cooler people know and I don't. But when I see phringe I get to DNA and the human genome project. If there is a connection between the poem and the human genome project I am just plain old not bright enough to see it.

with all of my regrets I'll take the pain of payment

This line struck me as kind of odd, of course that could be because I am an odd guy, and I am not exactly sure why. I think it might be the use of regrets and payment so close together and in this context. In a way they seem kind of synonymous in this. For me regrets are painful and they are most definitely a portion, a very large portion if not all of the pain payment. Of course, this is more than likely just my warped way of looking at life and dealing with my own regrets, or not dealing with them I suppose.

you say "I'm the patron saint of F*** Up's"

Okay, so this is a pet peeve of mine I admit it. But exactly who are we trying to fool with the ***? Is that the author trying to fool his/herself or the reader that they don't use that kind of language? Because the reader certainly is most definitely going to know, I mean that is what the author is thinking. Will the author get their mouth washed out with soap if they say that naughty word?

Or, is the rating trying to be kept low? What kid that reads this isn't going to know what the symbols mean or imply? And who when reading it isn't just going to have the word intended go through their head? Should a kid, or anyone, that doesn't understand what is being said there being reading this poem in the first place?

Just me and my, or one of my peeves here.

Phrases or bits I liked:

time moves faster than I can

Man, this is a great line. The image and emotion this draws out of the reader, or me at least, is great. The sluggishness of thought and movement on the narrator's part or the speed with which events happen around us is easily related to by the reader. Most excellent.

I wish I had thought of this line.

does it render you numb?

This is a nice line also, it's a valid question that can be interpreted in a variety of ways. I am not sure I like the context here as it again seems somewhat spiteful but I prefer to see it as more of a concerned question or statement. I know, I am a sap, sorry.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a difficult piece, I feel like there is a large portion of it that I just plain old don't get. I found that, at least I think, the punctuation or use of punctuation throughout the poem was inconsistent and I found that very distracting.

In the end I think it comes across, or leaves me, with a feeling that the narrator is very sarcastic and bitter. That isn't necessarily a bad thing but it seems to lack a bit of reality or honesty that would kind of balance the piece I think.

The cool thing about poetry, at least I think, is that a poem is open to a variety if interpretations. The reader doesn't have to and often isn't meant to understand the author's full intent until well after the initial reading. Stuff needs to bubble up from the depths sometimes to get the full impact. Sorry, you probably don't want to know all that.

This is an interesting poem, no doubt, it is thought provoking which is always a good thing. There are some good lines that keep the reader going and wondering. For me, some balance regarding the narrator accepting some responsibility towards the outcome of the burning of bridges and broken trusts would go a long way towards making this a more meaningful.
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Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Jenna Brennan , you, yes you, are receiving a shower from "Invalid Item"  you lucky person you. This is one of the reviews for your shower. Enjoy the hot water and fluffy warm towel. Please don't get any soap in your eyes. Well, unless you want to, in which case have at it.
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Initial Impression:

It was the title and the promise of a bit of humor that brought me into this piece. It was an entertaining short piece which at times was kinda fun and at other times not so much. But hey, I am just one guy who is basically clueless so what the heck do I know?

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Alison and I hated each other on sight.

This is pretty good and there is a ton of potential here, this can go in a number of directions that will work. By the time I was at this point in the story it was pretty apparent that the author is competent at wringing some humor out of situation. I want to know why you guys hated each other on first sight? The dating the ex-boyfriend thing and shoes seem like things that would occur or at least not be known until after initial acquaintance. I think a good opportunity was passed over here for both an explanation and a laugh or two. I was a bit let down here. Of course humor and expectations are pretty subjective so this may be a bunch of bunk on my part.

Ding! These sheets needs changing! Ding! My food is cold! Ding! I can't reach my water!

I don't know, it is probably just me on this, but this just kinda sounded cruel to me. I mean it is kinda a funny the way a guy gets the crap kicked out of him is kinda funny until he doesn't get up. It got an initial amused snort out of me, but the more I thought about it the more uncomfortable I became. Probably just me.

Phrases or bits I liked:

on Heathers. Well, except her name was Alison.

I like this line, subtly obvious. Good humor and well timed, it kinda lets the reader know that indeed there are going to be some fun bits in here. Very nice.

Final Discussion/Impression:

There are some funny bits in this, but it really kinda strikes me as a mean-spirited piece. There is a lot of potential here for a great piece that is really funny. I am pretty sure the author is more than capable of producing good stuff in whatever category or genre she chooses to attack, I get the impression she is a good writer, holy crap, maybe I just sorta am not getting it here? It wouldn't be the first time I missed something entirely. Wait a minute I am going to read it again.

Nope, seems or feels the same, kind of a mean spirited humor. On the the other hand, technically this is a well written and pretty tight piece of writing. It flows well and is logical. There are no large gaps or jolts. From the little grammar and punctuation I know it seems error free. Strictly a different sense of humor, so the problem here is mine.
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Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Allie , this is one of your reviews from
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because you are getting a shower you lucky person you.

You are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

At first I was struggling a bit, this seemed kind of awkward, then it became kind of cute, I am not sure that is good actually.

However, the ending is nice, very strong.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

A happy little tune that
is played inside one's head

This seems kinda trite to me. I don't know if it's very simple or I am missing something, which is a strong possibility being the slow guy that I am.

If it were me writing this, and it's not it's you, I would be sorely tempted to eliminate "that" and "is".

Pop! Pop! Pop!
Down!

The form used here, which is also used in the first stanza seems awkward to me

This really makes this piece feel like a poem for children to me. That isn't a bad thing but I don't think it is the authors intent here. This feels like a more 'serious' poem than this section seems to bring out of the reader, or me anyway.

Phrases or bits I liked:

it's gone forever...again.

This is the line that convinced me to review this piece. This is an awesome line, forever...again, man that is a killer, thought provoking combination of words. Most excellent work here. Nice.

Final Discussion/Impression:

For me this poem went back and forth between a simple poem geared to children and a more complex, thought provoking piece aimed at older readers. That made it a difficult and distracting poem to get a handle on.

On the other hand, that last line is so strong that I have to believe that there is a ton of potential within the poem and the author.

Keep at it.

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Review of The Forgotten Man  
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Naomi , I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
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Initial Impression:

Wow, that is an emotionally packed piece. Kinda slow start it seemed but some very powerful lines in there.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

That was the last Christmas we had spent our birthdays together.

To me this doesn't sound quite right, kinda awkward actually. I think maybe the 'had' could be left out of this. It seems to me that if it were the sentence would still mean the same thing and it would sound a heck of a lot cleaner. Might just be me though.

Mummy would always sit next to me and stroke my hair. “He’d be back sweetie. He’d be back soon.” I would fall into her bosom and fall asleep.

Again this doesn't sound quite right. It's a great image and emotion that goes with this though, but I think the impact is kind of lost in the awkwardness of the line. I am wondering if perhaps the "he'd" was changed to "he'll" it might sound better and the full impact of the sentence would be felt right away instead of going back and saying, Wait? something isn't quite right here.

If the line sounds and flows naturally it allows the emotional impact of the line or scene to get really driven home quickly, making it much more effective and interesting. That's what I think anyway, could be a bunch of bunk, I have no idea what I am talking about actually.

There were a few, more places where it felt kind of grammatically awkward, I am not a grammar or punctuation guy by a long shot, so you might want to check it out with somebody who really knows that sort of thing. Although when there are many grammar problems with a piece it makes it hard to keep the readers attention and a lot of the time the reader won't finish reading the story.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Finally, after 3 more hard years, I gave up. I stopped expecting him to be there. I stopped looking out the window every Christmas. I stopped hoping. He was dying.

Man, this is really a good passage, short, powerful, way powerful as the matter of fact. It tugged at my heartstrings, and I don't even have a heart. Very well done, nice work here.

Final Discussion/Impression:

The awkward grammar or wording in this story really steals the emotional impact that is hidden in it. This is really a gem of story, it could use some polishing and then it would be a first rate piece of work I think. I would for sure encourage you to go through this and clean it up, make it read and flow smoothly. Chance are I think if that were done, some readers would end up with a wet face.

Keep at it.
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Review of Rockin' Ralls  
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Ligeia , I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
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Initial Impression:{/i}

Nice, a good tribute to a woman that is an excellent teacher. Clear and concise well done.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

One thing I’ve always valued in a teacher was their ability to show their casual side, and Ms. Ralls’s classroom is one...

Okay, I am not an English teacher and I am not a writer. And most definitely I am not the grammar police. But I am wondering, is there a tense mismatch in this sentence? To me, and remember I one just one guy that doesn't know what he's talking about, the "was" after teacher sounds better if it is "is" instead. I am not really sure that's right though, you might want to check with your teacher.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I will admit, sometimes she can get a bit scary, but only very rarely since her anger is never usually directed towards me.


Well done, subtle, dry and well timed, very funny and very well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I can't do this I have to 'fess up, Rockin' Ralls turned me on to your port and of course I saw the title and this was the first thing I read. So, it's good though, there is some humor mixed in with the situations and explanations. It makes it pretty easy to read. Which is a good thing.

The sentiment however, really sets the essay apart, good teachers are far and few between, and in my experience good English teachers are even rarer. At least I never had one. I am going to assume that you are still in the 8th grade? If that is indeed the case this becomes all the more impressive as there is wisdom expressed here beyond your years, that's a good thing too.

Anyway, this was a very pleasant and refreshing piece to read, nice work.
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Review of I am not a poet  
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Fitz , I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
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Initial Impression:

I saw the title of this piece on the public review page and pretty much the title forced me to check it out. It was for sure worth checking out, I like it, good work.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I have yet to choke on the black and complete despair
of losing someone valuable to yourself

I think maybe this would sound better and make more sense if the yourself was myself? The yourself kinda conflicts with the "I" at the beginning. At least for me.

I have no right to speak of this either

Something about this line just bothers me, and it's strictly a personal thing so you may not want to listen. It's the right part. If everyone could only speak of what they'd experienced it would be pretty quiet planet. Wait, that would be a good thing, think of all the blowhards that would be shut-up, I have to admit that would be kinda nice. But actually if we only spoke to what we experienced, then wouldn't we miss a lot of the experiences? Stuff like love, if we couldn't talk of our dreams and aspirations, or the emotions we're experiencing that are new how would we fall in love? Or get in love or however you want to say it. We couldn't exchange theoretical ideas or write fantasy stuff. I think there is an inherent right to talk of things we don't personally know of. Geeze, sorry about that kinda a long winded thing there. I guess I do know what bothers me about that line, sorry.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I am numb to them
I am not a poet

Man, this must be my lucky day, this (like a poem read earlier) is some strong stuff and these two lines are very touching. I think it's a great descriptive image that really gets to the emotions. Coming after some of the earlier parts of this poem it's very contradictory, but very effective. Very well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I had to read this as I said, because of the title. I am not a poet either but sometimes people try to tell me I am, I have more less resolved that by telling people they can call me a poet if they want but don't try and convince me I am a poet or have a poets soul or some such thing like that. So I am not going to insult you you by trying to convince you that you're not something you either aren't or don't want to be.

I will say that for a non-poet you have written a darn good poem, nice job.

Keep at it.

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Review of In My Hands  
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Lani , I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
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Initial Impression:

Nice, with a super ending. A good job is done here with developing a rather solid thought and emotional pattern and then the sudden turn/realization at the end. I like that. It's thought provoking.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

There really isn't much to put here and really what I am going to say has more to do with a symmetrical mind/viewpoint than anything else.

First off, I am not a poet by any stretch of the imagination so it's best to keep that in mind and for all I know this could be some well established format. The final verse being a line or two shorter than the rest doesn't bother stick out or anything. However the first verse being shorter than the following sticks out to me for some sick reason. This is more to do with presentation than anything else. It really no impact on the meaning, flow, or emotion of the poem.

You know this was pretty dumb to put here huh? Sorry, my head must be way sicker that I thought.

Phrases or bits I liked:

My world
is lonely
lifeless
and dead
in my hands.

Man this is some really good stuff, for me easily the most powerful, and pivotal verse in the poem. It's like a sudden startling self-realization. The author has captured this exquisitely I think. Very well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I really kinda like this. Due to our previous conversation I think the power and subtlety exhibited in it are more apparent and far more meaningful, at least to me. The flow is good and the rhythm developed is nice. But I think it is the sentiment that is the most riveting here.

For me the sign of a good poem is one I am going to want to go back and read next week or next month and still find it moving. This is one of those pieces, it makes me sit back and contemplate my place and my relationships. It leaves me with a sense of, of what is the right word(s)..., introspective inquisition not often stumbled upon. Holy smokes this is more moving than I thought. I am going to have to change it from a 4.5 to a 5. Man, some moving internally powerful stuff. Well done.

Keep at it.
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Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Lani , I am reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and found something I kinda like, it was on a "Please Review" page, or for some other reason I can't define. Helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

Fascinating. I debated whether or not to use a template for this or not and decided to go with the template for a couple of reasons that will be noted below. Anyway I found this interesting, fascinating and well written. Well done, a mature and moving piece.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

These are why I went with the template.

I was raise Roman Catholic...

I think maybe raise should be raised? Might just be me though.

This entire paragraph or bit was interesting. I also was raised Roman Catholic, I don't know if I would say traditionalist or not. I talk with my parents now and they certainly aren't pre-Vatican II Catholics, my siblings are I think, so when I was a kid I am not sure. All I know is that my anger and rebellion left me somewhere else. After a long and winding journey I have landed in the Lutheran church which works for me, there is a lot of the tradition I find comforting and the spirituality that is a bit more open than the Catholic church of my childhood.

It is interesting, I consider myself a Roman Catholic/Lutheran person/believer whatever you want to label it. I have become acquainted with a woman here at wdc who asked me what my religious beliefs were, I told her Roman Catholic and Lutheran. She said impossible, they hate each other it's a well known fact. This was news to me but it seems to pretty much have but an end to all serious discourse between us (in truth there are several things we don't agree about but that is cool, this one seems to have pushed us over the edge or something) which is kinda sad as I was looking forward to continuing the conversation.

I guess the reason I add that is because even though many of our spiritual journeys may seem the same, in truth they aren't, they cant be. Even if we were to be in the same places at the same times with the same experiences we're still individuals and interpret experiences and truths differently. We see them through our spirit and mold them to what works and is beneficial for us. Geeze, more than you wanted to know, sorry.

Now I've had many discussion of spirtural...

Should discussion be plural here? It sounds better to me that way, could just be me though. I think maybe spiritual should have another 'i' between the r and the t?

Phrases or bits I liked:

There was a time when I was more open about my faith. But my job seems to be on one of the front lines of suffering and moral uncertainities. It wears on your soul.

This is simply an eloquently beautiful passage, most well done, well worded. Heart rending to me. The statement here is worded in a way that truly elicits the pain of the soul and the heart in coping or dealing with a modern uncaring, cold world. I wish I could write like this, for me this is simply one of the most powerful passages I have read. Stunning, I don't know what to say.

I haven't produced any fruit in along time. At least not at work. A place where I spend most of my time.

I seriously vacillated about making this a public or private review. This phrase pushed me to public for a couple of reasons. One; it sounds like you regret perhaps not being as open as you have in the past regarding your faith, and two; I do regret not having been as open as I could have or should have been in past regarding my beliefs and faith, or lack of. So there you have it.

Faith is not a gift of mine, I struggle with faith constantly. It is a gift of my wife's, possibly her strongest gift and I often marvel at that. The unwavering certainty that she possesses of God's love and compassion for her looks so comforting and peaceful from my side of the fence. How do I get that, where does it come from? Why I am I such a strong doubting Thomas and how often does god have to smack me before I truly get it? Because in all honesty I am really getting tired of the beatings.

Final Discussion/Impression:

First off, if you are still reading this, I should say thanks for such an open and stimulating piece. To me it truly is fascinating and it remains fascinating after reading it several times. That is the hallmark of some good writing I think, which clearly exists hear.

So most likely having bored you to tears I'll just say that any piece that is personal like this I tend to give it a five on general principles. Mostly because it's the author's views and emotions on display and it's tough not to respect that regardless of the quality of writing. This piece however, has also earned the five due to the high quality of writing, so I am quite pleased to mark the five deal. Well done and please keep at it.

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Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello xxx, this is one of your reviews from
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because you are getting a shower you lucky person you.

You are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

This was nice, it leaves a guy with the good stuff.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

until nailed to a cross and crucified,
never once did His undying faith subside.

There is nothing wrong with this at all, sounds good and all that. The part that kind of stopped me and made me go back and read the couple of lines again is the "until". To my odd mind it sorta sounds like after getting nailed to the cross his faith falters. I might replace the 'until' with 'when', but that then kinda sounds awkward so maybe not. I'd play with it some and see what happens. Just me though.

Admired and respected for His noble ways,

This is really the only place in the entire piece where the flow or rhythm seems to hiccup, the "respected" in here just sound kind of harsh or something, its the 'pect' part I think. It just sounds hard, which is out of place with the rest of the piece. That's probably just me though.

Phrases or bits I liked:

until nailed to a cross and crucified,
never once did His undying faith subside.

I know, it's the same couple of lines, I hesitated putting them above, but decided that that part bugged me enough to do that. On the other hand, I like the lines enough and really the rhyming words enough that they overcame any hesitancy I then had about putting them here too. Well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Overall I like this piece, its smooth for the most part. It's straightforward, simple and to the point, no punches pulled. It's refreshing. good work.
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Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Cassie Kat , I am reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and found something I kinda like, it was on a "Please Review" page, or for some other reason I can't define. Helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

This was interesting, there a couple of points I found kinda confusing though, but it could be because I am just an old slow, conservative guy. Nice message however.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

never once feeling that same joy that I did on that last Thanksgiving dinner

I think maybe this would read and sound better if the first 'that' was 'the' instead. I don't know if there is a grammar thing about this or not. It feels like there is some tense confusion in this line to me.

My father was estranged, which means that only...

I thought his dad was dead? Did I miss something?

Phrases or bits I liked:

...his bright, green eyes gazing up sleepily at me.

This is an interesting combination here, bright band sleepy. I like it it kind of jolts a guy awake or something. Wait, not that the rest of it is boring and putting me asleep or anything. This isn't going well that was supposed to be a compliment. I am going to start over.

That's an unusual combination, 'bright' and 'sleepy'. It really kinda grabs a guys attention and focuses him on what is happening, well done there.

Final Discussion/Impression:

There were another thing or two that didn't really make sense to me. Why is Tico engaged when his fiancee sounds like kinda like a hag? The point is clearly made that he is in a pretty unpleasant environment without her. Her being unpleasant makes it seem plainly hostile and I don't know why a guy would subject himself to that, before or after marriage.

Also, I think the guy is 22 if I am not mistaken, and he soon is going to have a 9 year old kid?? Clearly his partner is older then him, but I need a little background and explaining on that one. Of course I am just one guy who is not known for being real bright, and I am definitely not cool so it is probably me just not getting it.

I like the realization that thanksgiving is more than dinner, the reader is brought there is well done. For me if a few the seemly things were explained or fixed this would be a much better piece. I'd encourage the author to spend some time editing this because for one it could be much better and also because it's a good enough piece that it deserves a bit more effort. Keep at it.

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Review of Stopgap  
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello NickiD89 , this is one of your reviews from
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because you are getting a shower you lucky person you.

You are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

Entertaining and riveting, well done.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

He hadn’t stopped grinning, nor glanced in the rearview mirror, since the getaway.

This could just be me but the first time through there seemed a tense problem here, or maybe it's a double negative or something I don't know. Either way nor glanced didn't sound right the first time through and I stopped and reread the sentence and still kinda wondered what was meant. The following sentence kinda made it clear I think I know what is meant but I am not a hundred percent sure. Does this mean that Van 1: Hadn't stopped glancing in the rear view mirror or 2; that he hadn't glanced at the rear view mirror at all? I am not known for being particularly quick so it could be just my problem.

Phrases or bits I liked:

“Shut the %@#& up, don’t you see I’m on the phone?” he hissed.

This is a good line, it completely shows this guy and the relationship in a very few words.

And it really gives some explanation of Van and his current state of existence. Most very well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:


The first part would be much better, at least for me if the line mentioned was a bit clearer, but again that might be me.

This was good, from the beginning my attention was held and I needed to keep reading, that is a hard thing to do in a short piece of work, especially from the beginning. I also thought that even though the woman is a player in this her place is relatively minor until the end. For some reason I liked using her hair to show her, that was good.

Keep at it.

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Review of A Moment In Time  
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi warriormom, I am reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and found something I kinda like, it was on a "Please Review" page, or for some other reason I can't define. Helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

Interesting, the first stanza changed gears so quickly I was 'jolted' into paying closer attention for the entire piece. Nice.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

jolting me from my fanciful daydream.

I know this is just me and probably it is some deep rooted psychosis that has something to do with all the time I was dropped on my head as an infant. There is something wrong with the word "fanciful", for me it doesn't belong here, it doesn't makes the line and kind of the entire stanza, what is the right word for this, not cheapens, but... dang I know it is there I hate this getting old stuff, oh for craps sake I am going to have to come back to this part. Sorry.

Okay moving on. I see what you have done with the colors and while it is pretty clever, it is just a bit too cute for me. I think it kinda detracts from the words and their meanings in this case. However this could be the ogre/cute problem I seem to suffer from.

Phrases or bits I liked:

near the edge of a forest, where a stream passed by.
My mind immediately drew a picture of me—

These two lines seem very well done to me, they aren't the attention grabber that they were the first time through, but they still made me sit up straight and take notice. Excellent work here I think.

The crisp autumn air was what I needed to feel alive.

I like this line, it's real or something. IT has meaning and significance beyond the words. Pretty cool I think. The following line is kind of redundant to me though, and not as powerful. I don't know if it is a problem or not, for me, it sort of lessened the impact.

Final Discussion/Impression:

All in all I like this and it is well done the first stanza is so strong it's hard to top that or sustain it through the entire piece, but I like it and I like the end, which was unexpected. Well done on that Chief.

Keep at it.

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Review of Hope  
Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi totodile , I am reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and found something I kinda like, it was on a "Please Review" page, or for some other reason I can't define. Helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

I am not sure, in a way when I was done reading this I was confused and somewhat numbed and I am not sure why.

On a bit of a different note, the author's note at the end takes away form the poem for me, it seems to reveal to much and give me a direction in which I should interpret this. Which is probably the intent and most people probably like. For me though it doesn't really work. If there is a specific point or emotion the author desires the reader to get I think it should be in the body of the poem or story. Just me though and it would appear that I am weird that way.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

You hope I won't
be mad at you.

Something about this doesn't settle well. For me, I think it is the fact that it is a statement as opposed to a question. I would think that in the form of a question it would be a bit more powerful and illustrate the fact that these two people are have a tough time talking without fighting. Of course I may be missing the whole point here. It wouldn't be the first time.

My heart aches,
knowing that I hurt you.
I would say I'm sorry,
but I feel too angry.

This is an interesting stanza, I didn't know where I should put it because I am not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand it seems kind of plain, run of the mill or something. On the other hand the contradiction stated between hope and reality is quite catching and very interesting. I think perhaps I should have put it in the other liked part. Well done.

Phrases or bits I liked:

We fought each other,
but we never won.

Right off the bat, nice. These are a strong couple of lines that cause the reader to kinda stop and say "Wow, there is something for further thought." Nice.

I like the pattern you develop and keep through this, "I, you, we" it works well and connects the piece, gives it a good continuity.

Final Discussion/Impression:

The wording seems kind of formal to me, but I suspect that is just a difference in style between the author and myself so really it isn't that big a deal. In general I think the piece would be much more powerful and poignant if the "you" portions of it were stated as questions or guesses instead of laid out as fact. But that may just be me. All in all It is fairly good piece of work that is complete in itself, which is good and can be difficult to do in a poem. Well done.

Keep at it.
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Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi totodile , I am reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and found something I kinda like, it was on a "Please Review" page, or for some other reason I can't define. Helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

This is nice. I find it hard to rate and review a piece like this because there is so much reality and emotion attached to it. Additionally, poetry is a very personal form of expression. The author has expressed them-self very well here however and there is little doubt in my mind where sentiments are located in this one.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

If I have a bad dream,
I can open my eyes

This part kinda of slows me down while reading this. I am not sure, but I think it is the one line starting with if and the next starting with I. Something about that just seems kind of awkward or something. I might think about changing "If" to "When". It sounds a bit better to me but it doesn't really solve the entire thing for me. I think this needs some thought.

When you die,

There is nothing really wrong with this. For me it is a poem of love, joy, and respect, but then we see the death of the object of love. I think it kinda goes against the grain of the rest of the piece. Just me though, and I am just one guy.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I like the second verse, it shows the wisdom of the parent and the appreciation of the child. A very good example I think, great.

When you pushed me from behind,

This is great, it ties right back into the second verse. I like the repetitive use of this although I wouldn't use the "When" but that is just me again. Job well done here.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I like this, the emotion is subdued but obvious and real. That is hard to do in a subdued manner but it is done well here. The semi-switching of viewpoints with the stanzas is a very effective method of the author giving examples and explaining, well done. Keep at it.

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Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi aralls, I am reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and found something I kinda like, it was on a "Please Review" page, or for some other reason I can't define. Helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

A difficult poem, due to our conversation this morning I think I might have a clue, but even with that I am left wondering what is here and I am searching for a meaning in the words. This is reaction is good and bad I think, so don't despair.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

the majestic quality of you

Right off the bat this line stopped me cold. I think majestic is to long a word or something here. There seemed to be a good rhythm starting to develop and it sorta stopped dead for me here.

I am sorta jumping around here but for me that is the way the poetry thing works, sorry. The fifth verse really threw me. the second line is very nice I like it but I am not sure about the verse as a whole. Now the thing you need to remember here that this is my interpretation of your poem. All that means is this is what I am getting. Maybe I am getting your intent as the author and maybe I am not. For me when somebody reads one of my pieces I just think it is cool if somebody got something, anything out of the poem. So anyway, for me the fifth verse leaves me saying, "No, no, that is not the way it is at all." To me the verse is in a way saying the ocean leaves me less, less open, less aware, less a part of nature. At least that is the way it seems to end, even with the wonderful second line so illustrative of the communion of saltwater and soul.

If it were my poem and I was writing it, and I am not, you are and it is your poem and your experience and your perception, and that has nothing, nothing to do with my perceptions, experience and reality. Do you follow me here? I feel like I am rambling or something. What I am trying to say is, it doesn't matter if I have no experience with horses and you rode horses before you walked. If I right a a poem about horses and horse people jump all over me because, "No, no, that is not the way it is at all." Does that really mean anything? No way because it is my experience with a stinkin horse not theirs that I am writing about. Okay enough of that. Now I feel like I am beating a dead horse (Hah! I kill me sometimes. Woo Hoo!! kill me sometimes, dead horse, get it? Okay never mind then) So if it were my fifth verse I don't think I would use immerse there and I'd switch 'surrender resolve' to 'resolve surrender' or some combination like that maybe. I don't think I'd mention 'defenses' at all, at least in the context I think it is being used. And 'closing my senses' would probably go away. I guess I would tend to use the second line and build a new verse around that. Just me though.

In all masses of time, this brevity

This line makes me uncomfortable, the rest of the verse is strong I think and fits well into the overall story of the poem. I am not sure, well I am sure about what bothers me on this one. The 'masses of time' and then brevity. I see what you are doing here, or trying to do by using the essentially opposite words (I remember there is some English fancy schmancey term for this, I just don't remember the fancy schmancey term). You have done this in several other places, some I liked some I didn't, but this one bothers me because time and mass are being mixed, they aren't really whatever the term is of each other. More than likely this is my physics side kicking in and going whoa. But hey, it's me man.
Phrases or bits I liked:

This time was but a moment in life,
yet a lifetime in my mind.

These two lines are really good, very powerful and very moving. Most excellent work.

Okay, the third verse, for me this is kind of an eye-opening verse. I like it and it makes me think Yeah, I never really thought of it like that before, but that feels good, it feels right. I like it, I think it is one of the stronger, if not strongest verse of the piece. Nice work on that one.

Washing off earthly virginity,
giving freely your cleansing touch.

These lines are deep to me, for me they all most perfectly illustrate my relationship with the ocean. I really, really like them. They are two lines that will stick with me for a long, long time. Probably until I kick the proverbial bucket (which is going to be tomorrow if I don't quit this hacking).

New Category for stuff I don't know about:
Or even less about I guess I should say.

I didn't know where to place my feelings on the sixth verse so they are here. The first two lines are spot on for me, beautiful, the last two don't mesh with the first two I think. They actually contradict each other in my opinion. I think maybe it is the pushed me up part that makes me wonder here.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Final impression, man this is tough, There are parts of this that I really like and I can easily identify with and then there are parts I can't and make me just go "No way." But that is me and I am bringing the baggage of my relationship with the water to this poem, so the parts where I say no way are really parts I need to give some thought to, see if maybe they are in me somewhere and maybe I haven't found them yet, does that make sense? It is supposed to.

It's a good poem, I'd say for me it needs some work, the parts I have noted above basically. But there are some truly beautiful and touching parts here also, and that is what, in my opinion, makes a poem good. You have given me parts where I'm deeply moved by the elucidation of my thoughts and then you have give me things I need to think about and examine. So in the end it is a piece worth reading more than once. And that my friend means the bones are here to make a great piece. From what you were saying earlier I think you have done a fine job. I am going to give it a four at the moment. I am going to come back and read it again in a few days after I have digested it and see what bubble up then and may very well change the rating then. Although as long as I am giving my opinions here I'll tell you that in actuality ratings mean squat and defeat the purpose of reviews at a site like this. Just my opinion.

You have done a great job, I am pretty sure you can make this an exceptional poem though. Good job aralls.
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Review by hbar
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Shannon I am reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and found something I kinda like, it was on a "Please Review" page, or for some other reason I can't define. Helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

Very good, very moving. It is interesting to note that even though the piece is heavily populated with medical/technical type stuff, it doesn't detract from the piece at all. Well done.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I read Olive Kitteridge aloud as Nuel drove. The time seemed to go by faster this way.

To me, and I am just one not so bright guy, there seems a mixing of tenses here, the read and this clash I think. Is it okay because they are in different sentences or am I off base to begin with?

Phrases or bits I liked:

It was so quiet--the silence rang in my ears.

Man, this is a good, strong line, very powerful. It really punctuates the events that have occurred. It is almost scary. For me this line is stronger then the last line of the piece, and the final line is extremely descriptive and moving. Very well done

Final Discussion/Impression:

Man what to say. This piece is very well written, it is very impressive. It makes me realize how far I have yet to go in my own writing. The mixture of strong emotion and strong description in the same words at the same time is really well done. I am not sure I have ever really noticed that anywhere before.

The story is good, it makes sense, it is paced well, all in all it is a first class piece of writing I think. Very well done.

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Review of Stepping Stones  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi musicgal17 I am reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and found something I kinda like, it was on a "Please Review" page, or for some other reason I can't define. Helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

Kinda impressive, moving but it suddenly felt kind of rushed. Uh oh, that could be because time seems to speed up as we age. I am going to have to rethink this. Nice job.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

But their friend pulls them out

I like the way the poem has been going, a nice pattern of time descriptions had been occurring in the third line of each stanza up until this point. The break in the pattern was a break in the rhythm for me the first time through this piece. A subconscious hitch but one I at the time inexplicably noticed.

The third line of the following stanzas all begin with an emotion of sorts, this just kind of seemed out of place to me, not really fitting with the rest of the piece. Maybe there is a transition sort of word that would work? Maybe I am just seeing something that doesn't matter. Which is probable.

And now for something completely different. The hurried time thing mentioned above. To me, and remember I am just one guy that isn't a poet, it seems the later (relative to youth) adult stages of life are rushed through and kinda given short shrift here. That is where the hurried feeling came from initially. The poem goes from infant to toddler to child to teen (twice) to 21 and then right to middle-aged and then old and then even older. What happened to young adult, and young or first time parent? Or the place between middle aged and old when there are no more kids at home?

It made me feel kind of hustled out the door. But again, I am just one guy here.


Phrases or bits I liked:

The middle age parent trudges forward
Grimacing, stepping with hesitation

These two lines are powerful and descriptive, harsh, but moving. A job well done here I think.

Knowing that their life has been fulfilled

I sit here, somewhere in the second half of my life and read this last line and think to myself, Man, how cool could that be, would that be, to know that my life has been fulfilled. This is a killer ending, no pun intended, in a sense it is sorta a repeat of the previous verse, but way more poignant. Very nice.

Final Discussion/Impression:

For me, even though I felt the adult stages of life are somewhat shortchanged, the later portion of the poem really overpowers the earlier, longer portion of the poem. The second part is much more descriptive and much more emotional. I suppose there could be different reasons for that. One has to make me ask, Have I forgotten what it's like to be a kid? That is kind of a terrifying thought actually and I really hope it's wrong.

I think the emotions pulled at in the latter part of this piece overshadow the time sequence in the beginning. In my opinion if it were all emotional or all time it would be a much better piece, the flow and consistency would make it much stronger. As it is however it is no little thing, there are some powerful and poignant parts that make the reader, well me at least, sit back and ponder. And that is what writing is all about I think.

I am going with a four (instead of a 4.5) on this, but, only because I think the talent is here to make this better. I would for sure encourage you to keep writing poetry. Because unlike me, I think you can probably do it.

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