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Public Reviews
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126
126
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
An interesting piece i think, definitely a question to ponder.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I could not see any spelling, punctuation, or grammar errors. But be careful, I get hammered for that sort of stuff all the time (read I know squat about spelling, grammar, and punctuation ).

Not because fifty is old, but rather because I view it as a milestone.
Oh how true is this, net yet old but reaching a milestone. But many others look at this as old, or somehow worse?

Had anyone inquired of me what the meaning of life was, I probably would have answered, "I have absolutely no idea", and I would have meant it,
A telling, honest, observation. Very well said and most admirable to admit. Very well done.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Until then, I will continue to do the things that make me feel that I am contributing to society and that make me feel good about doing them.
Okay, this isn't so much I don't get it as it seems to me no different than earlier decades. Further explanation here would help I think.

The teenage years are quite selfish years, and very rarely do teenagers give any great thought to the meaning of life.
In the following sentences it is clarified that there are exceptions to this statement, but they are rare. I think I would argue this point vehemently. If much of the material here by younger writers is read I think it can be seen that the meaning of life is not an uncommon topic. I feel that this is a gross over-generalization and perhaps limited by experience.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I found this piece very interesting, it always is interesting to discover, or hear about another's view on the meaning of life. It is always a personal and almost revealing statement/confession/realization.

I think you have expressed yourself very well here and made clear your feelings on the question and that is not always an easy thing to do. Very well done. Personally I feel that there are some areas that were 'glossed' over, or very broad generalizations were made. And, there is now way that an author can be faulted for a difference of opinion.

So, I think for clarity and effectiveness of your writing that you earned the 4.5.

Thank you for a thoughtful and good essay on this, well done I think, keep up the good work.
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127
Review of The Sea Witch  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Initial Impression:
I had a difficult time finishing this piece. And I can't really pinpoint why at the moment

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I coughed up blood.

I sighed with malcontent. I‘m not going to last;
Okay, this is a bit humorous, the blunt resignation, nice.

Parts or bits I don't get:

It was if I were laying atop shredded glass within the bowels of a brick o
It was as if I were laying...

I’m not dehydrated, and that’s good enough to make me feel the least bit confident that I’ll live,
I found this sentence confusing.

There were no signs of the ship, or even a wreckage;
There were no signs of the ship, or even wreckage;
I think it sounds and reads better without the 'a'.

not hoping to aggravate them.
hoping not to aggravate them.

there had to be no more than at least
This seems some pretty awkward wording to me, I would write it as;
there were no more than

Then I felt something, something hard - like the butt of a stick - hitting my right shoulder. My I twisted my head around, and to my horrified expression one of the natives was standing there - the large body of a man with similar markings of the elder.
think there is a bit of a pov problem here, swithing pov in mid-entence?
Then I felt something, the butt of a hard stick against my right shoulder. I turned to discover, to my horror, a large native with markings similar to the elder's.

Overall there is some very loose writing in this piece. If it were me, I would attack it a paragraph at a time. Pick a paragraph, decide what the point of the paragraph is and then get to the point in the least words possible. Then go back and add the descriptions and any of the larger words you would like. I think at times the point gets lost in the abundance of words used.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I had a hard time finishing this because there seems to be a lot of extra writing and the use of some words just for the sake of using them. It is good vary word usage, but I get the distinct impression the story is getting lost in the words.

Most of this piece could use some 'tightening-up', that is a bit more economy in word usage, the words don't need to be simpler, there just needs to be less of them. Just my opinion here.

I think the story is interesting and at times some humour is evident. So I suspect you are onto something good here. I would encourage you to take a bit more time to go through this and then perhaps re-post it. Keep at it though, the vocabulary and imagination are certainly present for a good story.
128
128
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Initial Impression:
Not so much rambling I'd say, there seems to be a common thread running through this. I'll need to finish this review before I determine my feeling about this piece.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

...but refusing to give in to it.
Ah, how true, courage is not the absence of fear (that would be stupidity or ignorance), but the realization of it, and then dealing with it. Very good point in a world were "No Fear" stickers and t-shirts proclaim too many beings ignorance. Very well put I say.

Parts or bits I don't get:

spoon fed dreams
It is not that I don't like this, it just seems a very gross generalization to me, I would argue that there are many individuals with their very own, unknown to others, personal dreams. It's just they aren't the ones with no fear shirts or all black wardrobes in the name of individuality.

I would argue with the last paragraph. Who does an individuals thinking and deciding? The individuals parents? Teachers? Children? Society? Peers? When does an individual take responsibility for his or her actions? I would think, and it is my opinion, that current societal values do indeed nudge an individual toward accepting no responsibility for their actions. Would not courage, dreams, and individuality be gained by the individual accepting responsibility for the individuals actions? And, then holding firm to them? Just my two cents.

Final Discussion/Impression:
A fairly well written piece, not as rambling as the brief description would lead one to believe I think. There are some gross generalizations in this piece which I think detract from the overall effect of the essay. On the other hand, there are some very good points made also.

All in all, being a fairly well written piece, and considering the thrust of the argument, I think it is fairly clear and concise with the points presented. So in that respect it is very well done and I say well done to you, keep up the thought and the good work.

I am waffling between 3.5 and 4, but I feel this should be a 4 if for no other reasin than the clarity of the points and support presented.
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129
Review of Charity's Garden  
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Initial Impression:
Definitely creative! Easy and interesting to read.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

With my eyes on the herbs, I could more clearly smell their fragrances.
This line just jumped out at me, I really like it. Stronger smell because it is enhanced by vision, really original and really cool I think. Well done.

The contrast between treasure trove waiting to be explored and court of air and darkness was well done and paced well. The transition soft and almost scary. Again well done.

Parts or bits I don't get:

victims clothing by the unrelenting thorns
This is a pretty good line I think, but if I were to write it I might take out 'the'

victims clothing by unrelenting thorns
That seems a bit cleaner and even a bit more powerful to me, it kind of gives the thorns a bit more menace it seems like to me. There were a a few places in this piece where I think it would be beneficial to take out a word or two, and it would make a description a bit more vivid.

One more thing (sorry): I turned back to the depraved world I called up. I am not sure what word I would use here but if it were I don't think I would use depraved, many of the connotations that are associated with depraved are too human for the world Charity conjures into existence. That is probably just me though.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Overall I thought this was an interesting and creative piece, same space different worlds, different interpretations. Very enjoyable and interesting to read. Perhaps if it were tightened up a bit and with some word usage thought about it would be a very strong and engaging piece of work.

All in all well done I think. Keep up the good work.
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130
Review of times harvest  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Initially, I liked this piece until I got to the crown if thorns part, where I was a bit taken back.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

The last two lines are particularly strong, and very well worded I think. I am not quite sure I understand the the:

burdens the boundaries of the box

The surrounding lines seem to imply crucifixion? But for me 'boundraies' of the 'box' comes back to the mundane. On a spiritual level, with crucifixion involved, which lines three and four lead me to, I am not sure mundane is really where this piece is going.

So overall, even with the beauty and strength of lines four and five, I am left somewaht confused. Of course in matters of faith and spirituality confusion is a common (mundane) state, so maybe it does all tie together? In that case this is well done.

I am going to stay with the original four stars, I was thinking of going to three, but the whole confusion bit was where I srarted from after one read.

Well done and welcome to WDC Silas
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131
Review of The K-Rations  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
Well written, good detail, good terms, good stories. What's not to like?

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:
There is too much to pick out a particular phrase or paragraph that particularly stands out. Lots of powerful emotion throughout. I really liked the second piece on the landing craft and subsequent storming exiting and storming of the beach. I think you captured scared, nervous, determined men very well.

I also liked the piece of the woman at home working in the factory, it really kinda shows how tough on everyone it was. To me at least it's a part of the war that is not mentioned much, or maybe it isn't on my radar, not really sure there.

The first piece was powerful just for the subject and horror, or maybe realization, of what we will do in violence. Kinda scary I think. A very strong piece. In many ways I think it is the strongest of the lot.

Parts or bits I don't get:

had almost been hit by a German Luftwaffe
This may be a technicality and not important to you, but I am under the impression that German Luftwaffe is the German air force, a branch of the service and not any single particular model of aircraft. In that capacity this part doesn't make since to me. If I were writing this I would name a particular aircraft or just leave it at a 'German plane'. There was a mention of Luftwaffe earlier in the piece that didn't make sense to me also

Other than that it was a good piece, the 332nd shot down three Me-262's which was quite a feat as the 262 were the first operational fighter jets, but I digress, sorry.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Anyway I think this is a very good read and covers many aspects of WWII and the different theaters of combat.

I liked it and think you have a very worthy piece of writing here, well done.
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132
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
Pleasant, this seems a pleasant poem.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

A warm evening in spring,
with the feeling of summer.


Two engaging lines that set the tone, well done I think.

The last stanza is very strong, this is a piece that makes a person smile inside.
133
133
Review of Drinking Memories  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a Pretty cool poem, I like it.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

I did not know what B-choice cups were, so thanks for the afternote, but I do know my favorite mugs make my coffee taste better and favorite glass makes my beer better. The memories that go with some of the cups are good, but probably better left alone for now. But that was expresseed in here very well I think.

The whole syllable thing is very impressive, actually pretty awe inspiring to me.

So in the end this is a very enjoyalbe, quick poem and one that will be read again (which to me means it is a good poem).
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134
Review of Hanging On  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Okay, this is good.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Even though I am not real big on the girlfriend/wife/infidelity thing this is a good piece from beginning to end I think.

The first line sets the desperation so to speak, and the:

I look up into the face of my wife... and the girlfriend I brought here
Brings it home. Well done.

Again I am amazed at how much can be packed into 55 words. If you formatted this as a paragraph would it be more of a story than as the prose or poetry it looks like now? I am just wondering I don't know if this makes a difference.

Either way that is a lot of information in 55 words and I like it.
135
135
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
Okay, I'll buy this explanation/justification/guide. A review is the opinion of the reviewer, and should be presented in that way (note disclaimer paragraph below), and most definitely that should be clarified in the review process.

I still argue however that giving a piece a quantitative value is rather ambiguous if the review part is opinion. Because what is the rating based on? The reviewers opinion as to the value of the piece to him/herself? The accuracy of the piece within the reviewer's understanding? Or, maybe the reviewers opinion of the piece as to the pieces use to society?

All that being said, in my opinion piece here was clear and logical in meaning and explanation. Additionally it is a very useful piece. So in my opinion on readability and logic 5 stars. In my opinion on usefulness to this site 5 stars.

Let's see that averages out to...ah, 5 stars.

Esxcellent and very well done Brookester, you are far too helpful.


Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.
136
136
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (3.5)
Initial Impression:
An easy flowing style that is attractive I think. At times I got lost in the relations to the speaker. I'll have to read it a bit more carefully to see if it was me.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Seeing my brother crying made everything seem real, and him seem a lot more human.
This is a powerful couple sentences and very real. It would be interesting for the reader to know why the speaker didn't really consider her brother as 'real' or a 'person' before this though.
Parts or bits I don't get:

I got to visit him twice in three months, which was ok with me, my mother died at home and watching her suffer still haunts me till this day.
I am not sure if there was a relationship with the father or if she didn't want to watch him die over this period?

Final Discussion/Impression:
The piece flows nicely and is written in an easy conversational style which is nice I think. At times however the brother, half-brother (I am assuming this is the same person?) gets confusing, especially with the addition of the sister-in-law and stepson. If I were writing this piece I think I would differentiate between the two or call him half-brother all the time, it seems like a lot of characters for a short piece like this.

Overall it was nice and there are some very emotional lines that would be more powerful with a bit of explanation.

Keep writing!
137
137
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Initial Impression:
I am ready for more, The first few paragraphs did not do much for me but, by the end I wanted to continue.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

“You have to promise me that you will never take another class of mine again.”
This is a great real life line, if only it could really be said.

He snorted at his own joke.
You gotta kind of like a character that snorts at his own joke. This is a pretty good development tool in a short sentence I think, much better than physical description in my opinion.

Parts or bits I don't get:

She had been complaining to him for six weeks about her inability to come up with a solid research topic for her Doctoral Thesis
This bit strikes me as somewhat unrealistic?

“I’ve found an unusual energy signature.”
This is the sentence that kept me reading this piece, it hints that perhaps this is going to be a real science fiction story. But then I got to:
The whisper quiet sound of a motor was barely audible as an area of the wall to the right of the Knight slid out of the way to reveal a steel door with a glowing control panel.
And I thought oh no, more fantasy masquerading as science fiction. However, this turns out not to be necessarily so by the end.

Final Discussion/Impression:
By the end of this chapter, and I am assuming that this is the beginning of a longer piece of work, it is open as to what the work is and what direction it is going to go. But, I am intrigued as to what happens next regardless of the genre chosen to present it.

I think this is well written but Sheldon seems to trust Mottavelli with very little thought, even if Mottavelli does have tons of money.

All in all, I think this is pretty well done and looks promising to develop into an interesting story, I say good job and keep going with it.
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138
Review of 'Me' Time  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Initially I think this is a somewhat amusing piece. It is original and from a different perspective which is refreshing.

“I need this absolutely for today. Work it out.”

You gotta' like this guy, dealing with this type is always worth a warm fuzzy or two.

but the toilet seat isn’t cold anymore

Lovely line, or bit, my favorite in the piece.

Overall this is an entertaining piece, and the style is different enough to keep it interesting while not being over the top. It seems a bit of a buildup to get to the final punchline however.

I will be interested to read more of your work.
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139
Review of Forever  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review a result of being highlighted at the Talent Pond


Well certianly chilling and definitely well written. I would not normally read this type of story but my interest was piqued from the beginning and I was complelled to read on and determine the secret and the outcome.

The suspense is good and the tension is carried well through the entire piece.

Well done.
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140
Review of True Name  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Initial Impression:
Parts are fairly well written and then parts revert to either a different style or too common phrases

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

The silence of the night lay thick and heavy around me, as though a muffling cloak stiffled even the chirping insects.
Clearly you have description of some circumstances down. This stood out as a bit different than the rest and was quite refreshing.

no mood to deal with the refractory creatures
An odd use of refractory, but effective I like it.

Parts or bits I don't get:

filtering through the narrow window seemed to lightened somewhat.
A typo? lighten?

Lucien took no notice of my ill temper - a further sign that something was up
The end of this sentence does not seem to fit with the style so far displayed in this piece, it sounds to common, to human.

I stared at him, still unsure whether he was serious or not. He returned me look for look, the beginnings of a scowl on his face.
This is somewhat confusing as in the beginning I though it was made clear that this creature {dragon?) wan't to make eye contact with it's master?

Final Discussion/Impression:
Well I must admit that the descriptions of blood lust, hate, anger and hunger are well written but in my opinion there is just too much of it and it is too often. The storyline however is good I think.

As mentioned earlier there are times when the writing style seems to change dramatically, and not just when a human or mage I suppose becomes present. There are times when the dragon's thought process and speech pattern becomes foreign to previous examples of though and speech.

Overall the writing is effective in displaying images and cold emotion, the story line is good but some images and emotions become so usual they lose their effectiveness and the reader would prefer to skip over them to the next advancement off the plot.

I certainly think that this is a piece worth some polishing and editing and should encourage you to keep on with it.
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Review of Rise and Shine  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
Man Sue! How do you do that? All your poetry is so vivid yet seemingly simple. This one just takes the reader in and the cadence alone keeps me going. It is a good description of the morning struggle and point in a mother/daughter or parent/child relationship were change is beginning and the 'apron strings' are being tugged.

Just darn good poetry, there is no way around that.
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Review of Nature's Quilt  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
Again well done, the images and the simplicity are very, soothing, they draw me in so quickly and effortlessly, very good.

The only suggestion I would make is the use of the word 'crazy' it just seems to kind of jar the piece a bit.

Other than that it is another one of your splendid pieces.
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143
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (3.5)
Initial Impression:
There is a lot here, probably most of it over my head. Well written with some intriguiing thoughts/impressions. Overall I have to admit I am not sure if I understand the message, or if there is a message/point.

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Alex sits at a table in a familiar French restaurant because the previous Tuesday, in a rare moment of genuine spontaneity, he crossed off number seventy five on his "101 Things To Do Before Turning Thirty" list:

75: Ask a complete stranger out on a date.

I like this, the way it is written, what it says as much for literally as for the emotion that almost escapes. More about this in the Final Impression.

It is a decision, like most, he now regrets

Simple, powerful, in this piece sadly humorous. Very nice.

Parts or bits I don't get:

"... but for me, Capote's fiction is sullied

This entire paragraph kind of just loses me certianly on the first time through there was just too much...too hip I guess, Is there really any question as to why Alex's mind wanders in this conversation?

The second and third times through this particular paragraph reinforce my initial impression, I am a simple guy and all, but this seems to reinforce Alex's need for lists and preffereing to view/experience life from insude as the woman is saying? To me this validates Alex'' 'philosphy later revealed.

It is small and sentimental, the only type of gift of which his mother approves. It is a framed photo of him and his mother.

It's is not so much as I don't get this part, I think anyway, or not like it because I think this a wonderful pair of sentences, and by themselves quite powerful and descriptive. But there is somethimng here bothering me and I am having a difficult time determining exactly what it is. I have read it again and just can't quite place it. Sorry.

Final Discussion/Impression:{/b
Overall I thought this was a fairly enjoyable piece to read and even though there is something about it that doesn't settle quite right with me (Note the me part, I am one guy and may be missing the point)I still am somewhat attracted to this piece. So that is good. One thing I don't understand is whay asking a stranger on a date is on this guys to do list, it seems completely out of character for an obsessive list maker?

Bringing the dinner conversation back at the end in relation to the mother's gift is very good however, well thought out and excuted. I like how you did that.

It's just that short dinner bit, maybe it's the woman's 'tone', the rambling dropping of cool phrases or something. I am just not sure I am sorry. I am going to give it some though fpr sure and I'll get back to you when it comes to me.

Overall pretty good though and I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Review of A Day in the Park  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
I usually have a list of things I go through in a review. My initial reaction, the disclaimer, things I liked, parts I dont get, what I would different if it was my piece, and then my final reaction discussion.

I am not doing any of that because the world needs more parents like you. So having nothing of value to add but my admiration for this clean and direct piece with some funny bits thrown in I will just add I have two chidren currently attending U of O, one is leaning local the older has developed a bit more tradionally, only a bit mind you. I am confident that with time the second will come back to a reasonable point of view.

If I had any GP's left I'd send them to you, sorry.
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145
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (3.0)
Initial Impression:
I like the story part, a lot. I am not a grammar, technichal expert by a long shot so for the most part I review almost strictly on the story part. With that said I really liked the story. Don't tell anyone but I am kind of a sucker for this kind of stuff. Unfortunately, there are quite a few, grammar, spelling, amd punctuation errors in here, I think. If I noticed them others will and this piece might get hammered, more that it deserves in my opinion. Please read on though and don't give up because it is certianly salvagable and worth the effort.

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

She is so fierce that even the air stewards and stewardess are afraid of her
This is a great line I think very descriptive in an emotional way more than picturesque. Very good. There may be a tense problem with the surrounding lines/paragraph however.

Sadly, miracles do happen
Oh man, how true is this, great!

“Hey, I got to go to work. I’m late for work already.”
“… funny isn’t it? What? Oh…see you then…” Amelia’s smile disappeared
I think I like this more for the fact it is the first hint at Amelia's humaness, perhaps a bit abruptley but I am really not sure, it is a short story after all.

“Do you know how awful you look with that hair? It’s terrible. Oh and your clothes? Are you colour blind or something or you’re so poor that you had to dig those clothes out from the lost and found?”
Beautifully aggressive, like being hit in the face with a 2x4, gotta' love it!


Parts or bits I don't get:
Okay I am just going to give a few examples here that are obvious to me and I am sure that you will see them also, I suspect that many are typo's and perhaps rushing through the editing because of the excitement of finishing a piece. I know I do that.

Thanks for you tip!”
I think it should be your. This is pretty early in the tip and there are several awkward sentences prior to this. Stuff along these lines could cause a reader to stop and go somewhere else and at that point you have lost a possibly good/helpful review.

Ways I might write it:

I had been sitting in the airplane since two hours ago and that lady had been getting on everyone’s nerve – being obnoxious and irritating.
This is an awkward sentence I think, there is/are probably some puncuation problems in there also. I would be pretty tempted to make it two sentences, something like
We had been on the airplane for two hours. The woman had immediately been on everyone nerve's, she was obnoxious and irritating.

I fell onto my button and I saw a bicycle swerve hit a tree.
This one isn't so much awkward as I think perhaps it can be clearer in a few less words
As I fell on my bottom I saw a bicyle swerve past and hit a tree.
Okay maybe not less words, nut I think ireads cleaner and seems more compact.

Final Discussion/Impression:
As I said I think you have a great story here, it could actually be expanded and still be very good. One logic flaw that I suspect has a reason but is not explained, if she is a doctor why is she working as a cashier? And if the guy is so sharp how come he doesn't as her this?

There are places where this piece could use some work but I think it is well worth putting the effort into. I also suspect you have more ability than is evident in this piece.

I would heartily encourage you to revise this piece and continue writing. I would be most interested in reading more of your work.
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146
Review of How bad is Acne?  
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
I didn't even vote on this any guy over 18 or 19 that did doesn't deserve a woman.

Same 48 year old jerk.
147
147
Review of Most unattractive  
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Well duh? Fliteritng with another guy while on a date is stupid, not real bright and incredibly rude.

Same 48 year old guy sorry
148
148
Review of Best personality  
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I am the same 48 year olsd that screwed up your last poll.

i am presuming you mean emotional strength. Tis is very closely followed by, if not actually 'tied' with intelligence, humor, maternal instincts, and maturity.
149
149
Review of Most attractive.  
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I am 48 and well beyond your polls desired age range but I kinda like women so I decided to vote annyway. I voted for face but that is followed very closely by a womans rear end and legs.

More important would be facial expression and posture. For example is she warm and welcoming or is she a cold bitch? Does she have some pride is she intelligent? How about a sense of humor, does she have one of those?

Just kinda curious.
150
150
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
Initial Impression:
Interesting piece. Thought provoking which I like. I am going to admit now that this is going to be a tough piece for me to rate and review with certian or absolute objectivity

Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Our lives are but a vapor
A new phrase to me, but very appropriate in here, I like it very much.

We may be powerful within our realm of influence, regardless of whether our significance is seen or even acknowledged...
A good statement, it is a thought that in my opinion should always be kept in mind.

This is a very interesting and thought provoking piece. I think it is laid out well and the logic is very good - as long as the reader is of the same...persuasion may be not the correct word but I am not really sure, religion is not the right word but there most definitely those overtones within this piece.

Parts or bits I don't get:

The paths we take and our upbringing help to conform us into the images we become.
I wonder if conform is really the right word here? If I were writing this I would be very tempted to use form instead.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I have to admit to going to your port and checking out your 'bio' before deciding to review this piece. This is the difficult part, it is a very well written piece I think. The problem for me (and please note here it is my problem not yours) is that I want to play devils advocate to some points instead of reviewing it for the writing and what I think of the entire piece and not necessarily the points I think it would be interesting to bring up and discuss. I hope that makes sense?

The reason this is a tough review is because it is well and clearly written. Hence, the ability, or perhaps ease of ability for the reader to find the points of agreement or disagreement.

Very well done and I will most definitely be back to read more of your work for both the intellectual quality and the quality of writing.
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