Hello warriormom, I am reviewing this piece because I was asked to, or it was on some please review page, or I stumbled across it and want to. Real helpful huh?
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Initial Impression:
I read this again to refresh my memory before commenting so it is really kind of my second impression, but my second reaction is the same as it was a week ago or whenever it was. I am not sure what to think here. It's a pretty good story but I find it somewhat disturbing. It is kinda an emotional story to me. It is written in an emotional way so that is pretty good, in all honesty though I don't know if I can say I like it or not. I don't dislike it, but it bothers me I guess.
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.
Parts or bits I don't get:
As it turned out, my effort was perceived as merely what was expected of me.
I found this to be a pretty heartbreaking line. It shows a poor little kid that just wants some attention but even perfection isn't appreciated. For me, it leaves very little room for a child to grow or develop, essentially only two ways. either always hurt and disappointed at the lack of notice for his/her efforts and essentially developing into a perfectionist, or a real hell raising I am going to do what ever the heck I want kid. Both are hard on a person as far as I am concerned.
Grown-up girls don't skip in the kitchen.
Hey?! Yes they do, at least my grown-up girls do. As the matter of fact one of my grown-up girls skips everywhere, actually I am not sure she ever really touches the ground.
...so I went straight to filling out the order my mom had given me.
This could easily just be me here and I am just one clueless guy here, but the use of 'order' here sounds kinda stern, harsh even. I know the word 'list' was just used but I think I would prefer to see it again as opposed to order. Maybe even just 'items' or something, possibly reworking this section.
To my way of thinking, which is suspect I know, These couple of sentences here really kind of kill any intimacy or easy conversational tone that I think is trying to be set or established with the reader? A story like this one, especially one where there is a mixture of humor with a kinda bittersweet personal memory/emotion conveyed or being attempted that is being told in a casual way the use of words that keep the tone a bit lighter work better. For me anyway. In a sense I, the reader, am interpreting this through a ten year old's eyes. Or maybe I am trying to see through a ten year old's eyes. If the ten year old is a stern, cold kid than maybe it works, but from the get go I get the impression in this story that we are reading about a warm kid that is kinda starved for warmth and looking back at the incident with an attempt to do so humorously.
Not that this isn't being done with humor but that the humor is kind of a mask, or buffer for some of the disappointment and guilt or shame remembered with the incident. Or, maybe I am reading too much into it.
Phrases or bits I liked:
I carefully inspected each item before placing it in the cart, making certain it matched the item on the list.
I know this comes right after the part I just commented on, but I cant help smiling at the image of a ten year old girl carefully "inspecting" items in a grocery store, reading all the labels and ingredients and stuff, it just sorta cracks me up for some reason. The second part of the sentence kinda sobers me up quickly though.
I avoided looking to my left. I barely kept myself from jumping at the chopping sound coming from the butcher's corner.
This is very well done I think, I immediately wonder why she is avoiding looking left, and then just as quickly I am told, and I imagine the butcher with with his cleaver whacking away on some carcass. Nice work with good imagery I think.
Additionally, it reminds me of our daughter when she was about that age. We did a lot of hunting at the time she would not go in the garage when there was a deer or elk carcass hanging in there. She was usually okay with it once we had the hide off and as long as there was no heads anywhere in sight. Eventually it got to where she would help butcher it once we had it quartered. Anyway, it is very relatable line, well done.
As it turned out, my effort was perceived as merely what was expected of me.
I know this is in the above section, but it is a great line for the same reason, it tugs at the readers heartstrings, there is an immediate sympathy developed for the girl. Very well done.
t would be a battle for me throughout my adolescent years.
A very telling, poignant line. Well done.
Final Discussion/Impression:
In a sense I wonder at the tone set in this piece. It's an intimate fact or story, at least in my opinion or interpretation, and I think that there is an attempt at intimacy in the telling of this story. But I never really get a feeling of intimacy from the piece and I guess that leaves me confused in a way, I am not sure what the mood of the story is, does that make sense? I know it has been several days but I need to chew on this more. Not much help I know, I'm sorry.
Even though I have read this a few times now and have "slept" on it for a few days I still feel like I need to sleep on it to determine whether I like it or not. I suspect I am not going to know because every time I read it. I kinda like it but it kinda makes me uncomfortable also. Maybe it's the pressure on a kid I see or maybe it's the being around the perfect little sister that makes me uncomfortable I am not sure.
Either way a good job has been done drawing images and emotions from the reader and that is not an easy thing to do, especially emotions like the confusion, wonder, and restlessness I am left with. That alone is worth a job well done.
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