Initial Impression:
This was pretty good and some very funny lines, I like it. I experienced some initial confusion however.
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.
Phrases or bits I liked:
The old King, Dashrath, was dying of heartbreak and taking a long time about it.
Man you have got to love this line. It's descriptive and meaningful on a number of levels. Plus it is very darn funny. Well done.
“But, Dadeeeeee...., when next you go to sleep, how long should I wait before I set fire to your shell?’
So true, this is what happens when an answer is not carefully considered and phrased.
Jeev’s horror-struck eyes implored mine for a solution, all ideas of a gentle afternoon siesta shattered by ingenuous child logic.
This is possibly the best line in the entire piece. It is certianly my favorite. It is like our house was when the kids were home, my distracted, quick ill thought response and following horror. Then desperately waiting for my lovely wife to bail me out. Perfect
Parts or bits I don't get:
There was a part that confused me but I need to go back and find it, hang on a minute...Got it.
The third, fourth, and fifth paragraphs left me a bit confused (easily done so this very well could be my problem, but I read them a few times), okay after reading it one more time maybe it is a cultural thing.
Anyway, in the third paragraph I am understanding that a sumptious breakfast is coming up. Then in the fifth I am getting that vegetable stew is being made? If vegetable stew is a breakfast meal at your house than everything is cool, if not I am a bit confused. I don't really see a transition in paragraph four from morning to afternoon or anything. Although the fourth paragraph is a good one and very entertaining.
Final Discussion/Impression:
This is a very funny yet heartfelt piece. I really like the way some frustration and exasperation has been expressed in a poignant almost heartbreaking way yet softened with a wonderful sense of humor. I for sure will be checking out your port and other highlighted items.
Hey thats a pretty cool piece of writing. You are rather patient to let them eat your garden.
The two noticed when I switched on the light and stood there, standing completely still.
The only real suggestion I have is that standing after the comma seems kind of redundant, unless you are referring to the narrator and then the deer? In which case it is very confusing. Actually now I am really confused and I am not sure if it is the sentence or me? Either way that might want to be cleaned up. Maybe something like:
The two noticed when I switched the light on and stood completely still.
I don't know I have myself throughly confused now. Mr. Helpful, that's me.
They think my garden is their personal salad bar.
I really like this line it's descriptive and funny. Well done.
Overall I really kind of like this piece except that one sentence. It' short and picturesque. Detailing a pretty cool experience.
First read through they all seem pretty good with a couple of stadouts I think.
I am just one guy and not much of a writer and these are of course my opinions and impressions. Nothing is intened as criticism or attack. Please remember that as the rest of this is read.
Actually there all quite good I think.
The first one, Mitchell Brown, is very descriptive but, seems to go on a bit long. I think there may be a bit much there for all at one time. Then, I supose that would depend on the prominence of his character in the plot.
Aaron Goldskink: Very good I like the brevity and the amount of information packed into a few short lines. There is enough there for an idea and I get to fill in the rest. I like that.
Man in the doorway: This one didn't do much for me, I don't really care how he is dressed, and I don't care about the belt buckle. Although I would guess that the buckle/symbol is going to play some part in the plot. Actually, I don't think I care for this description, sorry.
Rajiid: Lots of good lines in this one but for some reason it doesn't do much for me. Choking on his adam's apple is a great line. It could be that this description is so through that there is nothing left for me to picture?
The Woman: This is my favorite one, very brief sketching of her physically but, the emotional/psychological description bring her to life. Excellent in my opinion.
Six year-old girl: I like this one also, although how do they know she is six. The line that makes this description for me is the look in her eyes, well done.
So there you have it. Over all pretty good I'd say.
My initial impression, I think I like it, but I have to admit I am more than a little confused. There are a lot of good lines in this. Very funny, but confusing
First the disclaimer bit which I know that you know, but for legal purposes it needs to be stated, kinda' like my Miranda Rights. All opinions are completely mine and just that opinions. I am by no stretch of the imagination an author so please keep that in mind as you read the following comments. They are comments and suggestions only. No personal judgements or attacks are meant or intended. If any offense is taken I sincerely apologize as none is intended
Okay right of the bat Hank's name should be changed to something else, use John or something. As the good name of Hank The Cowdog (some of the finest American literature there is) is being besmirched here! We just plain old can not have that.
Second the following line is inaccurate: butt ingloriously thrust into the air
This is not possible for any woman, the inglorious part. Okay maybe my sister-in-law but other than that they are all good.
Okay, seriously, I kinda like this, but at the moment I am not at all sure I would go on to chapter 2. I realize there is more to come and that an author always wants to leave an unknown so the reader has to turn the page because the reader needs to know what is going happen. I think that has sort of been done. But I would guess it's a no show at the church for Syd, leaving Hank in the lurch, so to speak. And that's cool I'll turn the page to see if I am correct.
But, and this is a pretty big but (no pun intended) what's up with this best friend George guy? If he can see her with mascara running (heaven forbid) and eyes and nose red and puffy, if he is such a swell guy why doesn't she marry him. Or, as I think has been hinted at but I am to ignorant/slow to know (and this could just be a slow male thing I guess). Is George not attracted to women (talk about your politically correct phrasing)? If that is the case I think (remember just my slow, ignorant, hack, opinion/observation) some stronger hints are needed other than the guy wears tacky shoes, expensive tacky shoes sorry.
Other than all that I think you are onto something, your humour comes out strong and it is very funny. A couple of typos and stuff (pretty odd coming from me huh?) but that is because you are so excited about this I bet.
There is a good story here and different places to take it. I hope I get to see where it goes.
Initial Impression:
Kinda funny in places, I think I like and will come back for more.
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.
Phrases or bits I liked:
more tolerable stories… besides, you don’t want to scare your readers away with a dissertation.”
This is a pretty good line I think, so pretty much previous stories have been intolerable? (little smiley face guy here)
Parts or bits I don't get:
then suddenly you life turns
Just a typo here in the first paragraph.
Ways I might write it:
There is nothing in particular that I would offer as needing to be changed, but in general I think there are bits that could be condensed or shortened to keep the funnier stuff closer together, which would I think keep the reader smiling.
An example would be that as a reader I don't really need to know that you have already spent two years in Seattle and wouldn't normally go. It is interesting and does fit in sort of, but I think if the intent is to make the reader laugh than that bit could be omitted.
Final Discussion/Impression:
An interesting story, certianly some very funny lines, but perhaps too much story. The few "asides" that you have are funny, I like that style and think it works well for most authors in comedy, more of it would help I think.
Overall I think the flow of the story was reasonable, but some polishing and editing would help. Certianly it was worth the time to write and read, and I would certianly encourage you to keep at it.
I came in search of your "Adventures in Marriage," Is this one of them?
In my initial impression I don't get it at all. I have to go back and read it a couple of times, at least once slowly. There are some words/phrases that make me want to go back and 'get it,' So that's a good sign. I think
Allright! I like it.
I like the pace and flow, and there are no lines that stick out as not belonging. It is very thought provoking, for me anyway. I am a pretty slow dullard.
I am thinking (always dangerous I know) that what is written in the note comes as a surprise, a pleasant surprise, to the author of the note. And, that is a very comforting and peaceful thought. Now, I could be off, way off and if there is a definite point you are trying to establish here I would love to entertain it, so please don't hesitate to share that if I have missed.
I like the brevity of this. There is much more going on than the length of this poem would indicate. I am going to come back and read it again later. To me that is the sign of a good poem, if I want to come back to it.
So, well done I say. Please continue writing as I would like to read some more of your stuff.
Initial Impression:
This is Kind of interesting, I think I like the idea and the approach
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.
Phrases or bits I liked:
Idiot, I think to myself. He has no idea what he's getting hemself into. Those two maniacs will tear him limb from limb and spit out the bones. Oh, how I'd love to be there.
I like this entire paragraph, the dog's descriptions of the neighbors and then wanting to see the bones spit out. Pretty cool.
- I call them the Duo -
Sinister sounding, well done I think.
Parts or bits I don't get:
I'm lying here in my favorite chair watching out the front window at our great Magnolia tree.
This seems an awkward sentence and someting of a weak opening compared to the rest of the piece.
Ways I might write it:
I lie in my chair, where I am not allowed, guarding the front yard when I spy through the window an intruder in playing in the great magnolia tree.
I like this better it seems clearer to me. It adds a few more words but right off we get the idea were talking some sort of pet. It gives the impression we are not talking about just any dog here, this is an important dog, a dog with a purpose, keeping the front yard safe from intruders.
I lie in my chair, where I am not allowed, guarding the front yard when I spy an intruder in playing in the great magnolia tree.
I like this even more although there is no mention of the window and hence we don't know we're indoors. I am not sure if that is important to you or not.
I think if I were writing this I would redo the fourth paragraph to show the dog's disgust with the squirrel's not heeding his warnings as opposed to the dismissive attitude the squirrel takes. I just like that more. But, it's just me and this is your piece and again, it should go where and how you want it. There is nothing wrong with it as is.
Final Discussion/Impression:
The more I think about this story/idea the more I like it, it's very creative, very original I think. There is much that could be done with this idea.
Some polishing and perhaps some careful play/rearrangement of words would help the flavor of this piece.
I would most definitely encourage you to keep writing and to take this piece further. It is very creative. Well done.
Ah hah! I just learned how to clear and rerate an item. So the first thing I did was come back and fix the grevious error of under-rating this awseome piece.
Initial Impression:
xDang S. Everything I read of yours just grabs me by throat and shakes. I like it. A lot.
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.
Phrases or bits I liked:
Should you giggle when you wiggle?
This is about the coolest line I have ever seen. I am going to remember it at thanksgiving.
Would you jump to touch the ceiling
but you haven't had the chance?
There's a joyful, not melancholy...but maybe it's...sobering is what it is, part to this, it says, 'man you better jump and touch the ceiling now if it's something you want to do.' Very well done I think. Joyful and sobering, cool.
Parts or bits I don't get:
Dreaming without doing
is just shimmy, hold the shake.
I had to read this twice before I got it, could be a lack of intellect, or it might be a bit awkward?
Ways I might write it:
I was going to suggest shimmying and shaking as that goes well with the previous line but then it wrecks the fit with of the moves you'd like to make? So I am not sure what to suggest, actually I have no suggestion, sorry. Shimmying may not, probably isn't a word, so I am going to fall back on lack of intellect.
Final Discussion/Impression:
Again, I am envious of the way you can right these 'simple' childrens poems that contain more for adults than they do for kids. I am going to quit reviewing your stuff because it depresses me knowing I can't do it and each review is starting to sound the same (little smiley face guy here).
Initial Impression:
What a sad sorrowful, story, yet the ending gives a hope and view of realized maturity. I am not sure what I think of it yet.
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.
Phrases or bits I liked:
They had begun to discuss that there was more to life than work
A common yet true statement that fits very well here within the context of what we, the reader, have learned thus far.
Yet, on routine inspection the doctors face fell grim.
What a powerful, ominous sentence. Very well done I think. The brevity heightens the impact, and confirms the suspicions that are creeping into the reader's mind. Exteremely well done I say.
Parts or bits I don't get:
She would have like to interrupt his stampede to the top
Oops! just a typo there I think ...would have liked to interrupt...?
Final Discussion/Impression:
I think it is a good story, well written for the most part. I have to admit that it doesn't settle right with me, which really doesn't mean anything other than either I don't get it (which I don't think is the case), or I just don't care for it. Please bear with me here because ther is nothing wrong with that, either for you as a writer or me as a reader. It doesn't matter what an author pens there is always going to be someone who does not care for it. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it, because I do, clearly you have put effort and your heart into this and that is admirable regardless of the readers opinion of the piece.
I would most certianly encourage you to keep at it, look at my intial impression What a sad sorrowful, story, yet the ending gives a hope and view of realized maturity. An author does not get an emotional response like that unless they have done something correct.
I am envious of the way you write this stuff. I think this is better than 'Walking My Dog'. The emotion and imagery evoked in this is amazing considering, especially because of (something like this, I am not sure how to phrase this) the rhyming and double rhyming.
ink pens that leak - sneakers that squeak
I can smell the dust and hear the creaks. I even dream of my lost past with the man in the moon.
You get a 5 for this one, absolutely amazing young lady.
You are good at this, I like this one also, not as much as walking the dog but a alot.
It's simple (I think), straight forward and to the point. It is also one to come back and read again and again. I think I have told you that to me that is the sign of a good poem. I don't know if I would call it inspirational, but there is something there to remind me about life and what is going on.
It reads, and sounds nice with a solid rythm/pace.
I am not sure, there are some conflicting emotions (mine, not in the piece) that go along with this. Parts of this that give strong positive images and emotions, and then parts that give evoke negative images and emotions, and I am not sure if it is tied to the lifetyle or not. I am going to read it again a couple of times before I continue.
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to had that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't intend to.
Phrases or bits I liked:
Forsaking interest in anything other
than you, and holding you tight.
Please always show me that you care
I am your vessel of devotion.
I like these phrases, both positive and expressing love, devotion, and need for a lover. Well done I think.
Parts or bits I don't get:
You released the shackles of my mind.
It’s now my freedom I lament.
This is what I don't get, and it is strictly emotional on my part, so there is probably nothing wrong with it. These two lines imply that freedom of the mind is to be lamented? That's what I come away with anyway. For me it is too bad this comes so early in the piece.
imagined offenses that I do
I pay for their commission.
This just plain old distrubs me. I think I realise that it is part of this lifestyle, but getting punished for thoughts just doesn't seem right, seems very 'Orwellian' to me. If everyone were to be corrected for thoughts the world would be in a sorrier state than it is.
Ways I might write it:
Because this is a poem and as far as I can tell poems are pretty much very personal and very subjective as to what and how an author expresses ideas/feelings it is not right for me to share any, if they even exist, things I might do differently.
Final Discussion/Impression:
I think after further thought and such that I kind of like this even though there are aspect I don't care for, the parts I don't care for are strictly personal/emotional reactions that really have no bearing on the quality of this piece, which is likely quite high.
Ideas, and emotions are clear and I don't think there is much hidden here. Pretty good I'd say.
It is so nice to read a positive, happy poem, a relief actually.
I like it and think it is well done. I really like:
closing her eyes to the world
exposing her own flights of fancy
These are just cool and very expressive, 'closing her eyes to the world' there are several ways to interpret this and those that immediately evoked fit so well.
Not being a poet I have no suggestions to offer you, sorry.
I kind of like it, but I don't get/see the last the last line:
Patience!
I think get the whole meditate bit, and this is more than likely just my ignorance showing, but I thought meditation was devoid of hurry, worry, patience, and most everything?
I really like the first two lines:
Sit in meditative space.
Meditate on sitting space.
I like the way you have used the same words to evoke similar yet completely different pictures/emotions, very cool.
powerful stuff I think. The first two lines did not really get me going or something, the final three and especially the phrases above are very descriptive, and personal at many levels. I'd call them gut wrenching actually.
There are pictures and emotions that go with those lines I would just as soon not see, even though I am drawm back to them.
I started out with a rating of four because the first two lines left me flat and did not really seem to 'go anywhere' (Note: This is just me and I know this poetry stuff is highly subjective so everything about this comment needs the 50 lb bag of salt, except the good stuff of course - little smiley face guy here). But then the last three line hit and it's like whoa!
So I go back and read again, then a couple more times and the first two lines fit and have some impact but, more than some actually, but for me they aren't as devastiting as the final three, so I bumbed it up to a 4.5. Something I don't usually do.
I am not a poet by any stretch of the imagination but I really like your stuff, and I am looking forward to reading more of it. Please keep it coming and have a rip-snortin day.
Hey man, thats more than 'just' another boy and his dog story. There's adventure, there's romance, there's suspense, and there's mystery. There are also a some typos but I am sure you will find them as you go through this.
I like the way you go back and forth between Winston's and Gus' point of view, I think that is pretty clever way to show seasons passing and keep the reader interested in both Gus and Winston (and his new family).
If it were me writing this, and isn't it's you and your story so these are just my suggestions and you need to make sure your story is the way you want it, not me or anyone else for that matter.
Anyway, there are a few places where I would use less words or shorten things up a bit. For instance:
Winston barked back an agreeing bark.
Just then the doorbell rang.
If it were me I might write that like this:
Agreeing, Winston barked back as the doorbell rang
To me that seems a bit cleaner and we're say the same thing in about 2/3 the words.
Also, I am not sure about this, but I think it might be a grammer rule or something but I do know that conversations are easier to follow if there is only one character speaking in a paragraph. It makes it easier for me anyway.
I think you have a neat story going here and that with some polishing you could have a first rate story. So I would encourage you to keep writing and if you have any questions feel free to ask me, I may not know as grammar isn't my strong suit, but I do know what I like to read and I enjoyed reading yours!
I must be an extremely simple guy, something about children's poetry just sucks me in and I am no poet, not by a long shot.
I think this is a cool little poem, it sounds like a child talking/thinking excepth the fourth line;
Her leash connects us,
There seems to be something about that line that doesn't quite fit, but I can't put my finger on it...
Maybe it's the word connect?
Yup I think that is it, to me everything sounds like something a kid would say or use except connect. Now that could be me because I am not real bright so if you think it works that is what's important.
Either way it's a great poem I think, I wish I could write like that.
I think there is a good story in here somewhere, it needs to be sorted from 'jumpiness' that seems to permeate what is happening, I think.
There are a few typos and a few sentences that just dont make sense to me;
Awwwwwwww!" said the little girl that once was afraid what the door revealed.
I am no grammar guy but I think there may be a few grammar problems with this in addition to the confusion this sentence creates.
If I were to write a similar story I think I might break it up a bit and perhaps be a bit more specific about what is happening, for instance;
suddenly the door opened and closed and the wind was blowing hard against the window.
might read something like;
Suddenly a great gust of wind ripped the door open and rattled the window, all the students looked up in surprise as the wind just as suddenly stopped and the door slowly swung shut.
It's a bit more descriptive and sets a tone of suspense, making me wonder what is coming next. Then I would start a new paragraph at;
When the class resumed to their...
I think with some polishing and work you could have a pretty suspensful, scary story going, as vicious cute bunnies can be very unnerving.
A powerfull piece of writing here miss. I've given it a four just on raw emotion, and it is raw. I can feel your nerve endings screaming.
I don't think I can give you any criticism good or bad on this piece, I suspect it's more a theraputic passage than anything else. I think it is effectively written it yanks at the heart strings and then holds on, with a tight, fearful, grip.
People such as Ben say such things because they look for some one to blame for Lex's state or actions, but they can't yet blame Lex, that will come at some later time with harsh realization and maturity.
The last line says it all, with depression that deep it is no one's fault, not even Lex's.
I am not even a good amateur writer so I'll just say all the grammar and punctation looks good to me.
I don't know that there is necessarily anything missing here as you keep the article limited to what you think about heaven and angels. I am going to assume (and it's an awfully large assumption) that this article is for some christian publication?
What I do see as a problem however, and please not this is just my subjective opinion and pretty much meaningless, is that the traditional christian assumption is made of good and righteous people going to heaven. This is probably not that big a deal, but I would like a definition of the 'good and 'righteous,' what or who are they?.
The thing that you may feel is missing and what I believe you would/will get a debate on is your view this is yours and be definition is not wrong it just could be different from some one else's and that doesn't make it wrong or bad, just not the same. It seems to me you have put thelimitations of the human on God and the interpretation of heaven and angels described, with no argument or fact to back it up, just beliek or faith. Now, ther is probably nothing wrong with this if everyone who reads your article has your belief and faith, but what about those of us who don't have your faith?
As noted this is just my opinion and in the big picture meaningless. I think you have clear, well written article that presents your belief well and what I have responded with is nothing that is missing but essentialy a couple of qualitative points/arguments by the 'devil's advocate'.
So.. to make a long story short (to late I know), I can't really see anything missing unless you are trying to convince your audience of someting as opposed to telling them what you think.
I hope that something in all this was helpful to you.
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