I have read your poem and even though I am not a specialist of poetry, I would still like to share my ideas with you.
Personifying (maybe this is a French word... Thunder and Lightning and Sun is a great idea, one that pleases my mind.
May I suggest you rethink the tense you have used. First past and then present, then past again. I wonder if it is not necessary to keep only one tense (present maybe to keep the surprise of Lightning.
Here are some other suggestions, which I hop eyou will find useful.
the quiet atmosphere of the land,
Shaking the land to life, I found that the repetition of "land" weakened the imagery.
Suddenly, Mr Thunder feels tired I would put only "he" instead of "Mr Thunder"
Also, I am not 100% sure, but I think you need a full stop after Mr and Mrs (Mr. and Mrs).
Thank you for sharing this poem,
I enjoyed it,
Warm regards,
Isa.
PS: let me know if you change your item, and I will re-rate it.
I have found this short prologue very intriguing and leaving me wanting to know more.
May I suggest spacing out the paragraph as it would make the reading easier and be more inviting.
Let me know when there is a follong chapter.
With warm regards,
Isa.
Welcome to WDC. I hope you will find this place as enjoyable as I do.
I have enjoyed reading your poem and even though I am not a poet, I thought I could share with you some ideas.
May I please suggest the following changes:
Everthing you do - EverYthing misunderstood & twisted misunderstood AND twisted But, just hang in there a little bit longer I would suggest to take away JUST in this sentence.
I hope you will find these suggestios helpful,
With warm regards,
Isa.
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"Heart of Gold Raffle"
I have to give you a 5, not only for the perfect lay out, but I have to admit being totall bought into your idea of cemetary being friendly places.
As a child, I, too, would spend hours in our village cemetary. I neer felt threatened then, and just remember the peaceful atmosphere there, among people I knew and others I invented the life of.
Now, of course, like many others, I have watched scary movies and many happen around cemetaries. My husband does not agree when I take my child to the cemetary tp "meet" his ancestors, but I find nothing wrong in this.
Many cultures see cemetaries as places haunted by spirits awaiting a body to enter and continue their life on earth. This is why cremation is a common thing in some countries in Asia.
I do not have this culture. My parents live in the "family" house, still inhabited by the spirits of many older generations. I believe they protect us and look after us somehow, of course, they are not wizards so cannot undo unhappy events, but they surround us with their everlasting love.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I have to say, it is the first time I read somethign about the dead so close to what I believe.
Warm regards,
Isa.
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"Heart of Gold Raffle"
I can relate to the first part recollection of childhood. I have an older sis and she is my rock. We live miles apart but she is always here
I lik ethe way you rounded it with "holding hands". May I just suggest you use the same construction of sentence like you did in the other paragraphs Betty would come to me and hold my hand., just to make it more circular... kind of... sorry, I can't really find the words, but I'm sure you get it,
Warm regards,
Isa.
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"Heart of Gold Raffle"
What a poignant story! It sounds real true even in the form of a poem. You have a knack fo rtelling a story in a very short form. Everything we need to know is there. I could not find anything that woul dneed to be changed.
With warm regards,
Isa.
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"Heart of Gold Raffle"
Thank you for sharing these wonderful words of love. You might consider joining JudyB's group. Take a look at her port and see if you'd like to become a member.
Just a few suggestions:
I don't thing Soldier needs to be capitalized.
Also the formating is a little out. The spaces between the paragraphs are not even.
I feel like you should sign "Mummy" or something like that and also write your son's name instead of J. If you are afraid to disclose it, you might use a pseudonyme, it is ok.
I hope this helps you a little.
Thank you for sharing emotions with your friends at WDC,
It is beautiful!! I can truly relate to this. We are so clueless when they cry but then, with a simple caress, a gentle word, sometimes just a look and a smile, they just melt us away...
I believe this poem will touch the heart of many a Mum or Dad.
Very nice poem. I just wonder why it is in the erotica genre. You know, some people simply won't read it if you categorise it so. It is mor eromance than erotica,
With warm regards and thak you for sharing your poem,
Isa.
We have a new exercise posted for the project so see the forum.
May I suggest you adding something the man said that can make the reader think about the romance that will take place.
I think you need to link both aspects (the thriller and the romance)... maybe the lady friend could be somehow linked to the old man...
One more suggestion I have is to enter the story a little bit late: why not with the question on the next bus, and then you could place your paragraph as he is waiting for his bus, what do you think?
Good luck, Dave and bravo on joining our project,
Warm regards,
Isa.
Our first long term project has been completed.
Announcing our second project!
I came to your poem expecting to find the answer. I think it is because of the title.
Here are a few suggestions I would like to make, but I don't know much about poetry, so, please accept my apologies in advance of I make a fool of myself.
- May I suggest changing the title to something more vague "soul searching" type of title. The fact that you quote a verse of your poem but without the question mark gives the reader a different expectation when reading the poem.
- 3rd verse: I would suggest taking away "is". I think the verse should have the same length as the first one to flow better.
- 4th verse: would you like to make this a full sentence by taking away "as"?
I liked the last verse, this is probably why I suggest changing the title, as I feel it depreciates the last verse. It is wonderful to think that with "rainbows kissing your face", one can still wonder about the true meaning of her life. It is beautiful!!
Thank you for sharing,
Warm regards,
Isa.
Our first long term project has been completed.
Announcing our second project!
I can only give you a 5 for this article. the first reason and the most obvious one to me is that, even though google is my favorite searh engine, I never researched anything about this actual site. I did not know there is such a thing as an advance search page.
You have no idea (well, actually, you probably have!! how much this will help me in my every day life.
I invite anyone interested in finding out how to make their researching job easier to read this article.
I so enjoyed reading this short poem. It rings so true to my ear and I like the end. It made me smile, I could not help, as I imagine the scene.
Of course, the pun on "concrete" gives the poem another dimension.
In just three lines, you captured the essence of freedom and carelessness only small people enjoy!
I can't believe how so much can be achieved in just three lines, well done!
How funny!!
I really enjoyed reading your item. It had enough little anecdotes to keep me smiling and being entertained.
Just one suggestion: I learned that there's a limit to the amount of cooperation between the human body and the brain
I am not a specialist (I am French) but I think you should keep it all in past tense... (I learned that there was a limit...)
What a wonderful job you have! I really cannot imagine myself going through what you are seeing every day, but I have a feeling this is why you are such a nice person.
Thank you for sharing this story with us.
Warm regards,
Isa.
PS: I am sending you back the GPs you offer becaue I know I did not suggest anything to make the piece better but I just had to comment on it.
Thank you for sharing this picture. When an animal dies, we are just lost, with everyone around telling stuff like "He was only a dog"
But we all know what they have meant for us, the sole companion in read times, when no one else was around. Then when it is time for us to grow old, they seem to age beside us and never, ever complain that we've grown fat, or bold, or teethless...
I am so thankful for animals' presence on earth,
Warm regards,
Isa.
I really like the way you end up this essay on a wonderfully optimistic note. You built up your argument with skills and you vocabulary is outstanding,
I am pretty useless at reviewing poetry, but I have something I think could be interesting... If I dare, I would put "seas" instead of "sea" because I think if you are using a metaphore, you should put it plural...
Very nice idea to see your ideas as Titanic survivors, I recently saw the movie in Czech (I saw itonce in Thai...) so I sill do not know the "heart" of the story, but the survivors part, yes, I got it! Nice image!
Thank you for sharing this story with us. I have found it interesting and capturing, and I think you have a great start for a wonderful touchy story.
Let me just go through the typos I found and then I will give you my opinion:
-theY called home
-on the corner OF his bed
-Downs Syndrome sufferERs
-But the six months in the shelter, they were walking a fine line : I DID NOT GET THIS SENTENCE
-Andrew was still wheezing when her mom walked in
the same feeling that Sage had had as her dad walked out the shelter door was now overcoming her mother YOU ARE CHANGING THE POV, SHE CANNOT KNOW HOW MUM IS FEELING
-Andrew was oblivious FORMAT THE PARAGRAPH
-For a fifteen-year-old she sure isn't to embarrassed SHE WAS 13 AT THE START OF THE STORY
-and with Ana over at (our) THEIR house
-he said that this happened to most SENTENCE ENDS HERE? Sage's mother wasn't satisfied
I have an idea that your story needs to be more structured: center character: Sage. Then the family situation: Andrew, Dad and Mum. Then the friends, and Ana.
Before you start, it might help to ask yourself 4 questions: how does the story start? How does it end? What is the setting? What is the plot?
If you are a little confused about some answers, then, structure yoru story accordingly.
Once you have structured it around the characters for example (or you might prefer to treat it chronologically...), then ask yourself the 4 questions again.
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Thunder and Lightning and Sun is a great idea, one that pleases my mind.
