truth is stranger than fiction.
I read a book about writing once, and the writer said that the best stories were told by women sitting around the fountain at the center of the village.
they talk simply about simple facts of life. If one could write just as they talk, it would be great writing.
I agree with you, sometimes, facts of life are just simply great!! (like the story about Zaire's fall)
I like the challenge. And boy! Entries and prizes everyday!! I am impressed!
I am sending you some GPs, because I think Flash Fiction is a great way to improve writing and get motivated.
Regards,
Flo.
I did not read all of it (the middle part was very hard), I must admit, it is very very touching, and I cried as I read through the part of telling others and looking at mum cry and hurt.
I can't comment on style, feels to me like entries in a journal, maybe you should leave it as such.
I visited yourport again when you talked about folders, and I foudn this story, which I felt compelled to review
BEGINNING
Right from the start, the reader gets the idea. Jack and Jill are to be taken seriously.
PLOT
Great story, wonderful idea! You changed the face of Jack and Jill for me forever. Considering the characters as actors is great (Am I repeating myself??)
SETTING
The expression you use, for example, the fact that they have an agent, fire him etc, talk about Mary and other tales characters makes it totally real.
Surprised me ……………
ENDING The end goes back to Jack and Jill rhyme in an interesting manner. I must say it surprised me and definitely amused me very much.
IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
This is a wonderful piece and hey, Nomlet, may I suggest you come up with something like this for the next Fireball? Either this or I'll steal you idea!!
I wonder If you think it might be a good idea to name he characters before they speak, in the way a scenario would be written. I must admit I did loose track at some stage of who was talking.
I am traveling in your port for now, and having a fun time.
With kind regards,
Flo.
Very helpful, thank you so much. It helped me a big deal. I am still looking for a way to include a link like you did to "Wannabe" port. Can't do that yet!!
Kind regards,
Flo.
This was fun, thank you for sharing. I like the way it starts and ends. And also the change of the classical rhyme. I am pretty sure you could do the entire song "Casey-style". What do you think?
Anyway, well done, and good luck in becoming a writer.
Flo.
Waou! What a sweet poem...!! The beauty is in the eyes of the one who loves
BEGINNING and ENDING The start is full of hope, the end shows remorse.
Made me That always, it is other people who have the key to open happiness.
Surprised me the way your poem is constructed in paragraph and the structure is clear. I like this very much.
I wonder Do you think it would be ok to put a "!" at the end, to celebrate the new feelings, the fact that she now regrets the years she obviously wasted. Let me know what you think. I think it would give the idea that she has things in her hand now.
Thank you for sharing this story. It certainly sent a shiver down my spine.
PLOT: Escaping from murder one, running to a safe place (Mexico), keeping his daughter. Grrr! Can't believe it seems so real!
I can't really comment on the overall style because to me, it sounds very good (I am French!). It is more on the story line that I want to add something.
Made me In a way. The innocence of the girl, the way she keeps asking and the way she might have just made it all collapse.
Made me The tension is running all through the piece, and at the end, I too, could feel my heart ponding.
Surprised me By the last words, the "business of living". Can one really be that determined? But I think the plot still stands. There is no moral here, the bad guy is a kind of a good guy and justice remains undone.
I wonder How about a sequel? Just don't like him to get away with it !!
BEGINNING and ENDING It starts with the girl asking a question. That dialogue puts us right in the mood. the girl is confused, something went wrong, Dad is obviously busy with something else.
It ends with an open road to a new future. "Mark and Josie were free", I just wonder about the girl becoming an associate to murder. What do you think?
I hope this is a litle useful. Thank you again.
With kind regards,
Flo.
Thank you for sharing this poem. I also am in a state of ecstasy so I can really relate...
May I suggest to add something before the last sentence. It seems to cut the ending a little short.
Maybe you can think of a question you could ask yourself, and teh last sentence would be the answer.
I liked the way you are passing feelings through this poem. Grand parents are like stones, they have always been there, they didn't move for years, and suddenly, they are out of the way....
This is what I read in this poem.
May I suggest some changes, if you don't mind.
" Smart and Witty he once was ", maybe :
---- Smart and witty he once was -----
"How terrible must be his fears", I would change for :
---- How terrible must his fears be ----------
One thing I wondered, he does not have his wife anymore, so who is the grand-mother? I guess it means that he is alone in his own little world, just it is not so clear when reading it.
"It’s as if he has already died", I think it would sound better with ----- It's as if he had already died -------
"Through his eyes there is a speck of life" , I would shorten it into :
------- Through his eyes there's a speck of life -----
I like the games between the reflexion and the reality. You talk about the image in the mirror and one doubts effectively, would it be true?
I like the idea, and I lik ethe ending of the poem, too.
Well done,
Kind regards,
Flo.
I really like it, sounds like a song. I lik ethe redundant parts, feels like chorus.
I think you put the right words in exactly the right places.
Kind regards,
Flo.
Nice ending! I just love loops, thank you, this was very inspiring.
I could not comment on syntax, because I am French, but the overall is nice and flows gently.
I just want to say "well done!"
Kind regards,
Flo.
Can't comment on structure, I was too oppressed by the content. What a shame, what a shame it is to die like this!
My friend's mum said the next morning after his death "What a failure, loosing a child this way!", as he was the drunk driver.
I, too, lik eyou, feel the guilt of not having done something about it, not on that tragic night, of course, but beforehand.
May I suggest something for your text:
<<<It all simply starts with a hedonist on Saturday night.>>
Nice re-mix. Well done, I like the way it sings.
For children I would suggest changing the "let me feel your bed" into another expression "lie me down on your bed" or something that would only suggest sleeping...
Maybe you think it is silly, let me know.
Kind regards, and again BRAVO,
Flo.
Me again! I like this one because it is short and expeditive. the meaning is all here.
Can I comment on something (well, I taught French literature.. so... picky!! picky!!)
Second strophe: second verse: what do you think if you found a way to keep up the proportions of the first strophe: 6 instead of 7 (what do you call them in English, in French, they are feet... like syllabus...)
Let me know,
I enjoyed looking at your portfolio and again on a coffee break at work, so a little speedy...
It made me laugh. I lik eyour text, I really like the idea. A little blasphemous, as you "hid" in your text, but very funny.
I also like the ending, getting back to normal life.
Just one suggestion: would it be possible to work your text so you could keep talking (writing... hm!) about James all the way until the end?
What do you think?
Have anice day,
Flo.
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BEGINNING 
SETTING
Surprised me 
IN MY HUMBLE OPINION 
I wonder 
