"Invalid Item" 

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I have read your item and I would like to share my review with you.

BEGINNING/OPENING
From the beginning (and just in case the title did not give a hint!) the reader knows this is a love story. So, what more does he want to do? Read on, of course. A love story is a winner anytime.

PLOT
At the start Amy has one friend: Brad. She meets Luke and the relationship goes on. The story seems to focus on the relationship and what happens to university students. It might be useful to concentrate on the plot, per say. If the story is about students'life, it should have three equal parts, before, during, and after Luke. The plot can also concentrate on the love story between Luke and Amy (as the title suggests), the plot can also be Amy's story only where University, Luke and Brad would have equal participation...etc etc...

SETTING-Place and Time/DESCRIPTIONS
I like the description of the library. I would have loved to study there too. The libraries I know in the U are cold and huge, not really a tempting place to be in.

CHARACTER/S
Amy is described through her studies and her will to succeed.
Luke is more shallow and the only descriptions that concerns him are through the bet (with the big girl) and the very last sentence.
Brad is a little undermined in the story.

Made me I have a soft spot for stories that go from the beginning to the end. It makes me sad but I love it!

Surprised me That Amy finally ended up with Brad, who had been there the whole time. Makes me feel like the story should be "Amy and Brad" because Amy is the central character (so her name should be first) and Brad seems to be "the one".

ENDING
A little sad as far as Luke is concerned, he did not look like someone who would just stay lonely. Happy ending for Amy and Brad who finally recognized each other.

I wonder
- ...know as "Amy and Luke" --> knowNas "Amy and Luke"(and should be "Luke and Amy" to match the title.
- It might be a good idea to give an hint from the beginning that Luke and Amy are not together anymore. Just because it is good to know where we are going, so the reader would read to find out what tore them apart instead of reading to enjoy a love story, safe and sound since "they had always been together".
I often write it in my reviews, and I think it is true: Hitchcock (spelling?) said that it was always better to show the murder weapon in order to build up suspense, rather than have the murderer surprisingly jump out from behind the curtain. I think it is true.
If you give a hint that Luke and Amy are now apart, it would put the reader in the right ambiance from the start and he would spend the whole time reading wondering where "it" is going to happen.
- In the same respect, may I suggest that you develop the Amy-Brad relationship a little more (I understand that you were given little time to write this story, of course, it is a very good job, done in fifteen minutes, BRAVO!). The reader would then feel the weight of the Brad character from the start.
- May I suggest to describe the characters a little more.
- I would like to suggest also adding some dialogues in order to "show" actions and emotions.
- May I also say that paragraphs would make the reading easier.

IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
I think you have the good ground for a nice love story or a story about growing up. I like the way it starts and ends, as I said earlier, I have a soft spot for this kind of stories. I like the way you describe university life, and students aspirations. I think you did a wonderful job in fifteen minutes.

I hope this review is helpful.
May I invite you to consider joining the group I am starting "The Golden Archer's Terrace" , if you wanted to work on this particular item, the group could help.
With kind regards,
Isa.



"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
Author:Benjamin Franklin

** Image ID #993515 Unavailable **

Here is my review of your item

TITLE/OPENING
I must say that I read your article to counteract the bad influence of the anonymous reviewer, so I cannto comment on whether the title is "catchy" or not.
However, once I read it, I must admit that the title and the subtitle are not bringing light to the story.

Just FYI, here is another item called "The Ocean" and of course, it is about an ocean, but maybe it will inspire you in how to link your item to its title.
"The Ocean"   by W.M. Francis

PLOT
It is very important that the item should have a plot, in the case of your essay, a question it will answer to. Sometimes the question is contained in the subtitle. I did not really understand the plot in your item.
I must say that maybe it is because I am not familiar with the context.
There are some obvious part in your argument: Canada, Japan, WW2, US.
There is something about the hat, and maybe you could explain what it means to "wear the hat".

ENDING
I am only guessing that maybe it is an allusion to Canada's national anthem, but I cannto understand the link with the women. It would be nice to actually state the sentences form the anthem (in italic) and explain more about the women.

IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
You obviously have an opinion about what you are trying to get through. I avise you to think of a plot, a question and then, divise your arguments, organize them in paragraphs, work on the ending.

I hope this review is helpful and I invite you to come and visit my port when you have some free time. Please let me know if you decide to edit your item, and I would be please to re-cisit and raise my rating.
With kind regards,
Isa.

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
Author:Benjamin Franklin

As a conclusion, I give you Isa's palms for your start at WDC.

Well, Nomlet, you have a way to make your stories so realistic!
I am giving you a 5.0 just because I know it is supposed to be for perfect of the perfetest.. (and I hope the judges don't read this )

Everything is in the story and in such a confined space. I learn a lot from you, Nomlet!
That show/tell thing, I think you really know how to go around it.

Well done!
Flo.

I have read your item and I would like to share my review with you. Thank you for asking my feedback

BEGINNING/OPENING
It is always a trouble for me to understand US writers speaking about their country. East/West/Howard... it would help to have Howard Uni placed for me on the East or the West coast.

PLOT
The main character has moved all through his/her childhood. Still on the move, he wants to experience life on the East coast. Fast-paced, exciting. He expects people to be different that the folks he had known before. But they are just the same, despite the exciting life, they too, prefer to stick to one neighborhood.

SETTING-Place and Time/DESCRIPTIONS
Needs a little geographical precison, for non-US. Of course, a little thinking, calculating, can give the reader hints, but then, without having to work so hard on geography, one could concentrate more on the main character and his thoughts.

CHARACTER/S
After reading the article, I still don't know if the character is male or female. It might be interesting to know in order to relate to him/her.

Made me to realize I know zilch about US geography!!

ENDING
open ended, but no worries, because it is said in the intro that it is uncompleted.

IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
Interesting subject. Needs to be developed. I wonder what result your investigation brought??

I wonder Just a few minor things, and I am not 100% sure about them all!!

- my third year at Howard University. I had only , should really be a comma between the two segments.
- And yet as hard as I tried my sunny, golden complexion, maybe a comma is needed after "tried"
- was no competition for the stiff winters I think maybe it would be useful to add "the stiff winters of..." (excuse my ignorance)
- For me this meant, changing neighborhoods I would take away the comma after "meant"
- to all the neighborhood schools How about "nearby" instead of the second "neighborhood"



I hope this review is helpful and I invite you to come and review my last piece "Talk to Me"   by Florence C.
With kind regards,
Isa.

Welcome to writing.com! I have read your item and I would like to share my review with you.

BEGINNING/OPENING
With a few technical words, we are in motion. The first sentence gives the evidence of the setting.

PLOT
Sean and Cal meet and they then get ready for their mission.

SETTING-Place and Time/DESCRIPTIONS
We are in outer space, if I believe the gravity issue. The descritions are strong (I am not familiar with the technical terms) and precise.

CHARACTER/S
Sean is a roudy pilot and Cal a new guy. Sean will help Cal and support him. He knows everyone around and he is rather resourceful. Cal is innocent, unexperienced and devoted to doing his job well (for now, do what Sean says).

ENDING
Nice ending with a dialogue, it makes it fast and entertaining. It also gives an impression that something is coming, and even though it ends here, makes the reader want to know more.
A love intrigue is always a good incentive...


IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
May I suggest adding something about the goods Sean has ordered in the first part of the item, so that it would become the Plot per say. It could be done by just having Sean say something like "Follow me, the shop will close very soon and etc..."
Also, it is nice to separate (with space)the dialogues from the text (I have been told this when I first joined writing.com and it makes sense).

Some typos I have noticed
As the stranger reached out THE THE wall
ship’s doctor if your DEPERATE




I hope this review is helpful and I invite you to come and visit my port when you have some free time.
With kind regards,
Isa.

Inspiration: "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
Author:Benjamin Franklin

Hi, Nomlet, here is my review of your entry for the Serial Flash.

I cannot unfortunately give you the in-depth review I promised, and you will easily understand the reason.
Your piece is very nicely done and the vocabulary is way out of my league. I would not dare and review it because I did not understand all the words.

I liked the tone and the language from another time. I liked the game with "this or that" and it works really well.

Even if I don't get everything and cannot comment on plot and characters etc... it sounds very good quality in the language and I give you a for starting out with a description (but I know this time around, you had time... 500 words!!).

Well done, and good luck, judging tonight I read.
Isa (it's Flo, of course, I just thought I should have the handle to go with the name!)

I have read your text and I would like to share my review with you. You asked about the main character, I have focused on that (characters) while reading

BEGINNING
Long description of the cell. It is obvious to the reader that the character is confined some place and that he does not really mind being there.

PLOT
This chapter gives a descrition of the place, the situation and gives the reader an insight on the character.

SETTING
Good descrition, seen through the eyes of the main character. By the end, we understand the situation. The man has killed several times and he is --certainly- insane. Doctors are trying ot figure out (this is only the start) to which extend he is in charge of his actions.

Surprised me That the character is not a little more maniac about his environment.

ENDING
One side of his personality. A little of a sadist, I should say. He enjoys having a strong effect on --weak-- people.

IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
An interesting character (I would never like to meet him!!). I am not sure if it all works though or if he is too intricated (I mean if he displays too many "siseases" or not, maybe you need an expert, maybe you are...)
He is a maniac because he is clever. Through his life, he had to be. Maybe you can show a little more of this trait in the first part of the chapter, when he describes the cell. Maybe insisting on the noise or the cold, something he does not like.

The main character is interesting, and the doctors too. You have a nice panel of personalities here. I wonder if it might be a good idea at some stage, to spend time on them, because they show different atttudes in the chapter and I wonder about them too (at times strong, at times weak).

I wonder If I was in charge, I would not send women doctors to this guy!!! Do you think it would be good to reduce the number of women among the doctors?


I hope this review is helpful and I invite you to come and visit my port when you have some free time.
With kind regards,
Isa.

As promise, here comes my in-depth review of your entry.

BEGINNING
I definitely start liking dialogues at the beginning. It gives a great understanding of the characters' personalities. Plus the fact that Dad is worried about safety and Mum about love. It is so simple and yet so true and right-on the button...

PLOT
Something will definitely happen. Until the last bit, the reader does not know what to expect. All the way, he gets dragged into the scientific observation of the jungle. He follows the daily routine of the Amazon seen by two specialists.

SETTING
Clear setting of characters. The parental couple, the PhD son, who needs more than concrete to be happy and satisfied.
The jungle is described in an enchanting way. Not so easy to do in 300 words, but you managed to describe the setting and make the reader feel like he is walking through the trees, hearing all the animals, feeling the heat on his arms...

Made me "Something beautiful", two meaning if I believe the end. He found an amazing orchid and love.
It made me laugh to think about the two couples: the orchid and the frog and the two characters... I'm just kidding!

IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
I like your entry and I think the setting is quite different from the day to day story.

I wonder If the judges will be clement enough to let you get away with not using the exact prompt... Do you want to fix it or are you going to chance it?


I hope this review is helpful and let me know when you post your entry to the Serial Competition.
With kind regards,
Flo.

Congratulations on winning today's Flash Fiction contest. When I read your entry, I had a feeling you would get first place, bravo!

BEGINNING
Description. Th ereader gets into the setting from the word-go.
SETTING
It feels like the reader should know the place. All what is missing is the exact address. This description (like a guided explanation for a first time visitor) makes the reader picture the exact place. I found myself trying to imagine it, down to the trees around the trail head which is not even in the text...

PLOT
Sarah is looking for something that should appear in the sky. Then it comes "the ball", and she can let go, and say all to this witness.

Surprised me The title already gave it in, but the fact that the Moon is a "He" confused me (in French, it is a "She"), also it goes together with "heavenward", so for a moment, I thought I had it all wrong. the surprise worked well for me. It kept me thinking and waiting.


ENDING
Sarah only needed "someone" to listen.

IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
No wonder you won!! I liked your entry very much. Would have liked to know more about the "ass hole" but I guess it can be in another entry... tomorrow... by the lake...

I hope this review is helpful and I look forward to reading your next entry.
With kind regards,
Flo.