I read this because I wanted to participate in the competition coming up.
I really liked this story, on how it has magical elements on it, as long as a reality. It also shows how people were able to do bad things with magic generations before, and how it is in need right now. I also liked how the story ended with a question; a cliffhanger. This shocks the reader and makes them think about the story longer after they finished reading it.
It was awesome, and I think I got the idea of the level that this competition needs.
i think it's an interesting story, where Matt falls asleep and dreams of getting murdered by his wife. I think I can relate to this, as people sometimes dream of their worst fears. i can see that Matt loves his wife dearly, and it must be his biggest fear to lose her. I like how at last, the story finishes on a mid-sentence, as it shows that he wakes up.
I read your story because the title seemed interesting. I'm guessing that this is a short story? Well, I liked how the story only showed details that are necessary, and there were no extra and boring paragraphs that describes too much.
Hm... There are two things that confused me. One of them is, who is the main character? This may seem a silly question, but I see Cassidy talk more about herself than... This person narrating the story. Yes, you should've included his name at the first, unless this is a prologue or some kind, or you have a specific reason to not include his name.
Oh, and is it just me, or do I see "words escaped me" when he couldn't respond to Cassidy? I suggest that you should make it clear.
Okay, so the other thing that confused me, is how the story changes. First, it starts from Emily (or the guy. Did he do the same thing as Emily at last?) kissing her/his ring. And then there comes a guy, thinking about his love. And at last, Emily does exactly what Emily/the guy did at the first. I think you have to make who-is-doing-what clearer.
These are all just suggestions. You don't have to do everything I've told you :) Feel free to ask me questions too!
Your writing and grammar is getting better, and I didn't have any places that I pondered, so the grammar is good.
This is my suggestions: Maybe you could explain more on why AllyAnna's captain and Oliver's captain opposes each other? I just feel like it's missing.
I think that's all.
It's interesting how it makes me wonder how AllyAnna's part merges with Soledad's!
Good job :) I look forward to chapter 3!
Oh by the way, do you think I should post my chapter 3? Because I've already done it, and I just feel like it's too early, since I just posted chapter 2...
Oh cool, so Soledad is a Seer? I think this chapter explains a lot of things, like why she had the medallion, and that she is a Seer. I don't know, it's your choice, but maybe consider capitalizing it? Because it sounds important.
One small thing I was confused it, is Samantha and Silvana the same person? Lidia calls her Silvana, but at the same time, the description introduces Samantha.
I think that's all. Good job, and I hope to see chapter 2!! :)
Hello, Allyann! I decided to pay a visit to your portfolio, since you reviewed my items :)
The prologue sounded mysterious and a little scary, as prologues should be. Lorena, Miranda, and Jorje talking to Soledad made me think of the story that follows to this. Thinking that it might circle around the cursed treasures. But my mind wakes up as Soledad shows her ruby medallion, and I go like, "what!?", which I think you intended to do.
I really like how it's going so far, and I'm sure the story is an exciting one!
Well, I have some suggestions.
Where it says "She looked as if she were expecting something to happen", I don't think you should use "were", as "were" is always used for plural sentences. "she" is only one person, so it should be "was".
"fisherman from this very town went fishing on the tiny island that is located beyond view a little out to the sea west of that shore" this makes me read it over and over again until I finally understand it. To make it easier, you should put commas in it. Try "fisherman from this very town went fishing on the tiny island, that is located beyond view; a little out to the sea, west of that shore." It is a long sentence, so I also suggest you to split it in some way.
Hello! The title seemed interesting, so I started reading it!
What I like about this chapter was, that it can relate to many people who have younger siblings. Like, many of the parents tend to scold more of the older sibling, and the younger is left alone, undamaged. I can relate to the feelings, though I don't have siblings (--> I have a naughty younger cousin, and he causes havoc all the time. My parents excuse him saying "He's still small", and they scold me for other stuff)
This story has a great start, and it could lead to success if you correct some grammar mistakes. Like, try not to use much proper language between the family. For example, "do not do that" should be "don't do that", and "it is" should be "it's". Also, you could think about the point of views. I assume that it is a 3rd person, which describes Ellowyn as "her" and "she", while leading the story from her point of view. So try not to use "I" or "me" in sentences. You should also check for typos >.<
The best thing you can do, is to read it out loud. Then your mistakes would come out loud and clear.
The storyline is very good, so it's the grammar that is the only thing to revise!
You really used many realistic situations to give out the message. Actually, this could really happen. Like me, who is constantly on Facebook and stuff, not only it is highly addictive, and lots of energy would be wasted, it is also fatal to your health if you spend too much time in front of the screen.
At the last part, I noticed that the most remembered memory that John had was not the technologies, and it was the natural moments of his life. After all, technologies and trends were not so important as the people he loved. I was touched.
I really like that it has a mysterious sound to it, even sounds frightening. Overall, I can feel that this baby is a very curious baby, as many other babies are supposed to be. This shows the curiosity of the baby very well, and it gives out messages. One curious question; where is his/her parents?
Wow! The story sounds amazing, and I'm bewildered that it is out on sale!! When I have enough money, I will definitely buy it, since I really want to read it! I really like the concept that the living robot's name is Majesty. It sounds very powerful and intimidating!
I like the first few sentences. "There was a hint of a rain, just a hint." It just sounds so... mystical. Like, looking at a hint of rain is an ordinary thing, but you make it sound like a mystery. I like it. However, why is Jackie anxious about a hint of rain? If you express it in words, it sounds good, but in real life, a hint of rain is just an ordinary thing. There should be a reason why Jackie is anxious...
I think the first few paragraphs has too much information and introduction in it. Maybe you should introduce the story throughout dialogues? Well, when you read a book, what do you mostly look forward to? I think it's the dialogues.
Good luck!
I think that this is a very good start. I like the first sentence of the chapter, as it hooks the reader in. However, the old prophecy that Riven states doesn't strike me as important as you think it is. After all, it's the title of the novel. So, a suggestion from me; make it rhyme. There are several sources on the internet that you can use to find rhymes for words. And you should use italics for the prophecy too, so that it would seem important. I have an inkling that this prophecy would come in handy somewhere in the story. By making them rhyme, the reader might be able to remember it. I think that's it.
Good luck!
Helloo!
I read your first chapter, and I personally love the plot about these kids able to control stuff! I look forward to read the next chapter :)
well, there are some funny parts that I want to point out.
First of all, what is the relationship between Stephanie and Bobby? Are they neighbors or siblings, or friends, etc,?
Next of all, in the first two sentences in the third paragraph uses too much "immediately". I don't think you need the "immediately" on the second sentence. Discard it.
Next, is just my own opinion. I know that the characters wants to boast their new-found abilities to their friends, but if I was Bobby or Stephanie, I would've kept it a secret. Or, I would've let the dark-cloathed woman to say "do not tell anyone about this." or something. I just feel like it should be a secret. But if you want the characters to boast, then its fine. Its just, that I can't relate to their feelings.
Hm... And their teenagers right? I (being a teen myself) don't think (if i was bobby) I would talk about my own day, much less ask my friend(sibling?) about it. Like Stephanie, I would be more excited about my abilities... I guess it's Bobby's personality, but yeah...
Overall, I think that you have to relate your own self to the character. Think about when you are(maybe were?) a teenager. Would I say this? What would I do if I was in this situation? What if I was this character? etc.
Good luck! In case this comment was too straight forward, I will send you 145 gift points, so I hope you would "Write on!".
It was very interesting, since you have kept the mystery a mystery even after the story ends. I really think that short stories should have a mysterious ending, since you can only write so much. But think, don't you think you would be a little bored if you describe every time the sound comes out? Maybe you should simplify some of them, like "The sound came out several times afterwards, annoying me with its presence" or something, so that you could simplify it.
But I really liked this particular short story. It was short and mysterious.
Good luck!
I like the plot, and how Balthzar has to find all the crystals, and how a girl who doesn't even know what she has, has the most important one. However, I think a reader would get a little bored(sorry) with all the explanations on this. From around the center, it has more dialogs and stuff, so it gets interesting. However, at the first, there is too much explanations, that the reader might skip that part, even though it has the vital information in it. What the reader always wants, is dialogue. Remember this. So maybe, you can start the chapter by Balthazar threatening a person to tell him where the girl is or something. Then the reader will understand the stuation without reading a whole lot of explanations.
One more thing. If you explain the situation to the reader from the first, the reader will be dissatysfied, and put the book down, because the book doesn't give the reader the space to guess what's happening. But don't let him/her wondering too much. The first few sentences must make the reader question, "Why?", "What's going on?", and then after a while, the reader must know what is happening. But not from the first. Read some other books. As you would notice, it mostly starts from a whole unfamiliar plot, that you wouldn't understand. That part of the story is called the "hook"(you may know), and that draws the readers attention.
I hope I didn't sound too strict! ><
Good luck, and best wishes for success :)
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